thoughts on a late night

I think a lot about the nature of mediocrity these days. what does it mean to be mediocre? sometimes i think it means to be average, which isn't altogether a bad thing. the problem is when it means that there's a great deal of potential, and not enough execution.

it leads me to this fundamental question about how to conduct a life. is it ok to live life being content as you are, with no intentional forward progress? is it ok to surround yourself with friends who will take you to fun places, but won't have the hard conversations with you? is it ok to be lulled into a sense of false importance at solving the little problems, but avoiding the underlying root cause? more and more i find that the answer to this is yes, yes it is. but damned if i am going to be that way.

i've been trying to be more sympathetic these days, but it's hard when dealing with bitterness or resentment. what's easy is to say, fine-- if you've left me, then go forth and see what you achieve now, without me.

we're all of us gods in the chrysalis. mediocrity stems from seeing the beauty of the shell and mistaking it for the end game. so yes, if there must be a fundamental separation between you and me, let's make one thing very clear.

I will not celebrate mediocrity.
I am not done.

ten things i'm thankful for

1. A roommate: someone who seems, on the whole, pretty great. 
2. A loving family that, despite being dysfunctional and tiring, is deep and constant in their love
3. A turntable to play at night, to play jazz records, to ease the loneliness
4. Cooler weather and soon, all the fall things!
5. Soft, fluffy omelet style eggs: i learned a new technique. it's fantastic. they melt in your mouth
6. Picking up photography again
7. Picking up video editing again
8. My ability to cook some stuff, and curiosity to cook more stuff
9. A good eye, useful in photos, resumes, books, the list goes on
10. The ability to fall asleep in 30 seconds flat because I know people with insomnia and oh my god. 

forcing yourself to look for the good helps your brain rewire to start looking for the good everywhere, or so I hear. I'll report back the findings. Until then!

We were on a break

it might be time to start writing again.

i think what happens when you start dating someone is, suddenly you have someone to tell all the things to! and then writing no longer becomes a necessity but a luxury.

but, i don't think it ever stopped being a necessity, especially for those of us who are overprivileged and middle class and doing things like contributing to 401ks.

hopefully i still have things to say.

On Facebook

"People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say." Kurt Vonnegut in Cat's Cradle

I think that's true. Especially of social media these days. I think we're addicted to all that fluff, the pictures of food, the 30th vague status, the irrelevant check in-- because we hope at some point, at some place-- we'll know someone who will say something meaningful.

Maybe somewhere among all the trash, is something worth reading. Something incendiary and sticky in your head, something other than how much fun your high school acquaintance had at mardi gras, or what the weather was like that day. Something worth a god damn shit.

++

sick, on my period, interviews, and currently working extended hours for the biggest project our entire department has had in a decade.

but it aint no thang, because hell, remember grad school?

hahahahahahaa positivity really gets me sometimes. and i get it.

phile

 me:  what brand?

 Sang:  audio technica

 me:  BEATZ BY DRE

jk

dont kill me

 Sang:  ok

im gonna be busy for the rest of my life now

 me:  hahahaha

 Sang:  bye

but i would be okay living quietly with you, and having it take years and years.