doin' 55 in a 54

i hate when i'm all like ready to go and hug it out but then niggas be all idle and shit

oh man i need to stop listening to jay z

now we're going to skewer the torkey.

what my parents bought for thanksgiving:

• sliced pork and beef for hot pot
• honey baked ham
• a rotisserie chicken (???)
• potato rolls
• chips
• pecan pie

we are at a crucial time where i could either buckle down and cook the rest of the stuff for an american thanksgiving... or be super asian and do hot pot.

either way, we need a bottle of prosecco before this night is over. and martinelli's cider. because come on, peeps.


for all the unhappiness of the year, it was because such wonderful things to miss. the people i met this year and the brief time we had before it all ended or went to shit-- i would do it again in a heartbeat. and for the things that didn't end, so much the better. there's an inordinate fondness i have for you all, and i remember it in startling detail. going to the star bar with jennifer, talking every single fucking day with lauren. i wish i'd have known when i met you in second grade that thirteen years later we'd still be here. sleepy time with bisca and steph, super mario galaxy on weekends with emily. the butts brigade. walking around tipsy in the woods at midnight, oh god.

shooting the shit with jeff and those two great months for all they were worth with tim. all of taiwan. all of it, even days when i was sick of sweating and family politics. i can't even think of those people; it would take too long. i would get too-- something. reminisce-y. daniel tong stretching my facebook and just being there for me, and getting beer at brickstore with sang. damn that scotch ale was strong. mike and his nametag and the pineapple ice cream and his apples that i liked better even if mine were sweeter.

you aren't ever the same after people come into your life. blah blah carl jung blah blah pieces of others.

for all i thought i was lonely or fucked up this year, i was blessed so much. even if i dont ever or can't ever show it the way i want or should, i love you all.

delusion

feelings should be reciprocated. in equal amounts, mind. everything should be quantified, and people can like each other the exact same. no one would like someone more or less. no one would settle. no one would be scared, or be with someone safe just because they were hurt in the past by someone they really loved. everything can be quid pro quo, and whatever you give of yourself to someone, you receive the weighted amount in return.

 there will be no uncertainty. no variability. no one would be left, no one would leave. no one would cheat, or feel anything at all, even. except for the knowledge in the back of their head of depending on a person, as solid and instinctive as 2+2=4.

so fuck you. maybe somewhere in the vast universe there are other beings and maybe it's like this. and maybe they wish for a world where people are swayed by their emotions and to put love in a box like that would be to disrespect it.

but fuck that. i'm going to live in a world today where everyone misses just as much as they are missed.

lost in the world

kanye's album. buy it. listen to it. download it. i can't stop plugging it because it's so different and so, so, SO, GOOD.

used to date a guy who was way pretentious about his music. i think i still am too, a bit. lol i wouldnt let emily play katy perry at under the couch when she was here yesterday. but hey, music is music, and if you feelin' it, you feelin' it.

if you like justin bieber or miley cyrus though, well i'm just sorry because you are wrong.

i decided against hooking up with Guy. at this point, my honest motives would have been mostly vindictive, and that is never ever ever a good idea. i hope Other Guy still wants to be friends, that would kinda suck if he didn't. oh well. there's an elephant in the room and i'm bout to call its punk ass out.

so apparently there are these things called SKITTLES WITH CRAZY CORES? and they're like SKITTLES? with CRAZY CORES? what is this i don't even. WHO IS GOING TO BRING ME THESE MAGICAL CANDIES?

speaking of candies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 it's almost christmas time. and you know what happens at christmas time?

see's candies.

the files are IN the computer

pros and cons of hooking up with this guy:

pros:

• we have past history. 
• no strings attached. absolutely none. he goes back up north after thanksgiving is over
• we click well. it's easy. no jealousy, no claws, no masochism. no mind clouding affection.
• sometimes it's nice to just have fun. 
• did i mention the no strings attached? 

cons:

• someone else sort of has prior claim
• i'm too old for this shit
• it feels vaguely like betrayal even though it isn't
• doesn't mean anything =>waste of time? 
• it's probably not a morally good idea, or something 

um. >_o

prepositions. propositions. tomato. tomahto.

OH SHIT. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

HAHA I STILL GOT GAME.

jason mraz

after an afternoon
Face to palm, Tear to tear
& Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Say, “I am in love”
Oh, Heart to ground
I am in love


very cute song. :)

#.021

over the courses of day

i fluctuate and sway like a drunkard

over trite comparisons of your intoxicating being.

at noon, i have resolved to knock down your door

demanding recompense and answers.

mid morning, i state you are too warm, too sharp

and deserving of brown

sweet

doe eyes; spaghetti hair

and fuller figures.

early evening, when my tangent thoughts

run most swiftly towards conclusions.

late evening,  like cracks in concrete

like caulk in tiles

like trails of birds flocking toward southern refuge.

float like a feather in a beautiful world

so here's what i'm wondering.

you know the whole, idklol where people are like this is DIFFICULT i am going to ignore you for a good long while and then after a few months, feelings have suddenly diminished or gone away entirely?

if feelings can be dampened and if they can disappear like that, can you likewise foster them through SERIOUS HANGING OUT TO THE MAJOR N-TH DEGREE?

i was never under the impression that feelings of attraction could be forced and or manipulated like that.

but you know, if falling out of 'love' by avoidance actually works*...


however, i'm in no state to test out this theory. someone will have to let me know. take one for the team, COMPLETELY GLUE yourself to the chick you're into and see what happens. you know, assuming no one fucks it up and then starts proving the other theory. which, there's no groundbreaking work to be done there, kiddos.


*take this word with a grain of salt. i mean relatively speaking

i think i have found it

Just got back from a great dinner/night of pool playing with some really great people!

I can see how if you surround yourself with laughter and keep yourself busy, you don't think about anything or anyone at all.

"it's been wonderful, sweetie. it really has."

"but i think we should call it quits."

_QC

list of demands

plz to give me 1 massage..................

and 1 vacation................

when that whole mad season comes around

and since i'm immature, and didn't really feel sorry; i dont' know. i just wanted you to feel like i was feeling. 

dear self,
walk it off. 
there i said it.
 sincerely,
self. 

i'm still not sorry, and i probably won't be for at least a few days.   

woop woop

it bothers me to a certain degree that one of my friends just bought a balenciaga purse. she can afford it now that she works full time, which is good on her. i don't mind.

i just think about my mother staring longingly at the display case in neiman marcus.

so fyi, once i start working full time, that's what you're getting! :)

it does seem like a lot, doesnt it? until you realize that's what you'll probably make in one week.

i cannot wait until i can start spoiling my parents.

possibly i'm going crazy

so apparently each of these four algorithms on one of my homework problems takes around 4-5 hours. IT IS ON. IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. BRING IT.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS VEHICLE ROUTE MY BITCH.

[WAR CRY]

how to win friends and influence people

dear self,

be mature. be mature. don't ignore your group members because they ignored you and started doing useless shit. talk to him. be mature. you're better than that.


 ...
 ...


maybe i'll reply in an hour or two

we would take trips but never pictures

ok. so this is srs business, because i had a warehousing project review in one of the isye conference rooms and the entire time all i could think of was how fucking awesome these chairs were. they were ergonomically designed. they were soft and cushiony, and they leaned back like they were designed to. they were heaven. i wanted to marry this chair. i wanted to make a shrine for this chair. i wanted to buy this chair nice things for the awesomeness it bestowed upon me.

mostly, i wanted to get on the floor and check the tag because i'm sure this upwards of 200 dollar chair would be making an appearance in my house once i have a full time job/am rich enough to afford it. alas, this is impossible with so many people around, includin gyour professor. i also thought about stealing it, but that would maybe be impossible too. with people around.

oh god i need to plot.

---

you give pieces of yourself away. you get some in exchange. the rate of exchange is incidentally never equal, and life is learning how to be okay with that.

--

can boys stop being such little bitches? seriously. i'm sorry i dated your brother and he ended up finding another girlfriend he's now super happy with. please maybe acknowledge me when i say hi to you! :)

 i'm sorry we ended up not doing as well as you expected us to in senior design. we got an A and almost made finalist! please talk to me. i'll be calling you tomorrow and demanding you be my friend again. BE MY FRIEND AGAIN OMG


sorry i-- well, actually, you are just an unpleasant person. i think you just don't like me, and that happens with everyone. sometimes you just have a feeling about someone, and nah, i can't begrudge you that. though on the whole, i would consider the circumstance of you sucking to be more of a bad thing for you, really. because my feelings get hurt whenever i talk to you, but you? suck. and that's unfortunate.


yeah, i dont understand. it actually takes more effort to be unfriendly and to go out of your way. though i guess if you are pissed at a person, it's deemed worth it. maybe once i get the balls, i'll stop bitching about it on blogspot and deal with it the normal way. w00

shoot it's late.


HAIRCUT TOMORROW

truer words never spoken

"this is not a song. it's a mathematical equation. designed to make every girl who hears it melt."

_hirthy, on john mayer's Gravity

hahahaha [is bricked]

the best advice i can try to follow, and that i advise others to take up:

stop being a little bitch.

now, you may think me insincere. but let's think about this for a second. 

if we all stopped being bitches, can you imagine how much better life would be? how much more we would get along? it would actually probably contribute way more to society and friendships and personal relationships, and what not. 

and if you're a girl, you're not excluded. you can keep this in mind as well. 

i got a girl but you look good tonight

have you ever, ever, ever, even once in your life, allowed yourself to be vulnerable with someone?

c.s. lewis said, to love at all is to be vulnerable.

now, i didn't say stupid. if homeboy be lookin' at other girls left and right, you better dump his ass.

but, well...to give of yourself to someone. it's not trusting that they won't break your heart, because that's naive.

whatever, idk, i'll think about it later

fragmented and tampered

it's not that they "know" you or "understand you" more than anyone else. they're not magical, or better than any of the rest.

you just want them to, and so that's who you tell your shit to. you want them to know your favorite kind of cookie, your favorite color, your childhood memories. your dreams.

so, that's what that is. don't be fooled into thinking it's different. it's not different. they are.

(to you)

rebuilding and cleaning

we date people we look like, and people on the same level of attractiveness, usually. with a few exceptions, but when have there not been exceptions?

so many many times, i'll see people who used to like me or still do or idek what and they'll have pix of past or current girlfriends. it always corroborates with aforementioned law of numbers, and then i'm like, well where do i fit in?

i look nothing like any of you, or your types.

the true problem is possibly this: maybe i don't believe myself worthy of the kind of love i want.

just some food for thought as i try to finish this damn homework

i want to lull you to sleep whispering my favorite french poems into the crook of your shoulder.

fun in advanced engr econ

[insert complicated things here]
Hackman: so i offer you instead of the market price of 18.18, C portfolio choice at $18. you buy it, the next day, p=0.8 of the market increasing to 125 from 100. what are you gonna want from me? the 25 dollar profit, right? so what can we conclude about the consumer and the seller?
m.s. from germany: *makes a driving steering wheel motion with two hands*
Hackman: what... what is that. *makes it too*
m.s. from germany: it means "i screw you"

[presumably in second language accented english, that he got a better deal out of it than if he had bought at 18.18. or, hilariously.]

Hackman: so tomorrow morning, you're going to call me up and say "dr. hackman, i screwed you."

Hackman: so, you would be [snicker] basking in the glow, so to speak, in the sense that you would be gloating.


this class is, collectively, five years old. too busy cracking up to mind too much.

i probably can't make this any clearer

I LIKE YOU.

round and round and round

i believe:

• homosexuality is not a sin
• you don't need to be baptized to get into heaven
•               -(though you should be baptized if you believe)
• women can and should be pastors or religious leaders
• sex is something incredibly intimate between two people dedicated to spend their life together
• straight divorce should be fixed before gay marriage 
• abortion should be allowed if the mother was raped and/or unable to provide for the child
• marijuana should be legalized
• the death sentence should be illegal 

maybe people don't want to stir the waters, and step out of the safe bunkers of neutrality. but if you have a belief and you are too afraid to stand up for it, then you don't deserve to believe in it.

*assuming, you know, you're not gonna be killed by the government or taliban militants or something.