i didn't want to review the year, so i'm not going to. it's a bit difficult when you're a student and the school year is different from the real year, with a giant summer in between. i imagine it'll get easier as t approaches infinity. oh god. in any case, i had resolutions last year and i managed about half of them. not great, but not terrible.

i'm a firm believer in resolutions though. i know people say it's pointless because you end up breaking them, or being unrealistic, but then. why get married? why love, or aspire to anything? it's always worth a shot.

1. read a book a month. (this will be easier now that i have a nook and can read trashy novels instead of impressive classical literature)
2. www.reddit.com/r/projectreddit
3. yes, i do still want to do BMP. 
4. run my first 5k! and run a six minute mile. 
5. halfway through hanon, somewheres with rach
6. go somewhere outside of the country, and do it right. 
7. talk to someone i've lost touch with or haven't talked to in a while, at least once a week. 
8. apologize to the people i should apologize to. this is actually just minhee. 
9. be kind. 

I GIVE YOU TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF TEARS
TEARS OF JOY
TEARS OF UNMITIGATED BRAIN TRAUMA

when i have a house i wanna keep it completely empty (minus bed and shit) and slowly fill it with things i love.
like lights in mason jars, and canvases that say "IS IT ART YET?" and ceiling to wall bookshelves and tables placed just so.

win some money

they're trained from the start to go for the jugular, the only difference is when.
and if you forget it for a second, so much the better for them.
just because you're playing poker with a nice person does not ever mean you've stopped playing poker.
nice means they bleed you out subtly, but you don't bleed out any less.

at its very core, it's a game of ruthlessness.

and that's the last about it that you'll hear from me.

that awkward moment when i realize jin is sang and nash combined and then jacked up to +50 intelligence.

that subsequent moment i realize i may have gotten myself in over my head....

suddenly--


--

i find i have so little to say.


but these things come and go, like they always do. a brief intermission before the resumption of play.

i have a significant crush on the eleventh doctor.

god, why is this show so good.

the anonymous love meme

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/467532.html

words and words and words and memories

jamais vu

i'm gonna buy a camera before i go to taiwan next, so you can understand.
one of those fancy shmancy things that makes everything look better than it is
because i remember everything better than it was
and the significance of things holds more weight by far than their actual existence

green

if we were really sure we were one of a kind, there would be no envy. my envy demeans both of us-- no wonder it is the hardest sin to confess. it says i am not who i think i am unless i have what you have. it says that you are what you have, and i could have it.

no one will ever know exactly how close i cut it every semester...

=w=

meaaaaaaaawr we haven't talked or seen each other all day but i'm definitely not sulking.

i don't care if i get out with a bang or a whimper or on my fucking knees kissing the asses of all my professors.

i just. want. out.

intro

Jin: k
later stupid head

me: night dumb butt
 Sent at 2:09 AM on Saturday

this is what we've progressed to :|

Never Tell (exerpt) _ James Christy

Hoover: you know how you said you needed a change?
Liz: yeah.
H: I'm the change.
L: How are you the change?
H: I don't know how to say this.
L: Just say it.
H: [exhales] You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. [beat.]
L: really?
H: yeah.
L: when did you decide this?
H: today at work. but i didn't decide. i had this sort of vision. and you were in it. you were all over it.
L: i was. so what about me, do i have any choice in this?
H: choice doesn't really enter into it. this is fate.
L: oh, it's fate. you didn't tell me it's fate.
H: it is.
L: the rest of our lives? that's, that's a long time.
H: right. so it's a bit sudden. but the point is, it'll be a better thing for you, us being together.
L: a better thing?
H: i mean, i think there's something wrong. with you.
L: this is how you pick up women? does this work?
H: i'm just saying i think i could help. and these [panic] attacks, they won't happen when you're with me.
L: why not?
H: because you won't be scared anymore.

alksjdfhaskljasfhd

Jin:  I just yawned, and my chapped lip thing hurt

 me: aw :<

get some chapstick

it's not girly if you get the kind with the black label

 Jin:  never, chapstick is the most annoying thing ever, it's like constantly having something on your lips

 me:  yeah

something that keeps it from being dry and or cracked

 Jin:  Hm. Sounds too girly.

 me:  in general though, vaseline is the best

or burts bees

 

 Jin:  I've seen the guy checking out of the grocery store with vaseline, and I know what I don't want to be:

The guy checking out of the grocery store with vaseline.

we're gchat friends now!!!
:)
more later on general thoughts of pursuing someone who by nature makes a habit of ruthlessly learning and cutting people down with that sharp tongue.
BUT FOR NOW FINALS

sunny day

 "It's Real" nails the feeling of when love goes from being The Great Intangible to something that settles in your bones. --Martin Douglas

taken from the pitchfork top 50 songs or something. and that new real estate album is pretty damn baller, not gonna lie. but something about this wording, is just so. true. not true in the binary sense; true in the way that self respect or the soul is true.

being able to recall someone's face from memory, rather than intangible birds eye views of clothing and movement. because they are familiar now.
understanding, really understanding them, and making allowances for when you don't.

love never really stops being The Great Intangible, but all that mystery and wonder and fierce feeling takes residence in your bones and flows through like DEADLY NEUROTOXIN

wait
insert something poetic instead of a Portal reference
..
nope gonna keep it

zach braff-ness

him: why are you always here?
me: well, who do i see here that i don't see anywhere else
me: the more i talk to you, the braver i get 
me: I'M WEARIN' YOU DOWN, BABY, I'M WEARIN' YOU DOWWWWN
me: my computer at home is too slow

CHASE//runaround

from the skinned knees or the scars on your arms or your face or the way athletes walk with a subtle limp and the callouses on a guitar player, you carry your scars with you everywhere. imperfections are wonderful despite (or because?) skin is sacrosanct and i intend to spend every minute of my life giving it its due reverence. 

from the hollows of your collarbone to the dips in your hips.

, WOMP WOMP


also: my reaction to things that happened last night? this.

no but really

i'm trying to condense my squee so it doesn't overflow twitter and make brian even more disgruntled than he already is, but all that's happening is i'm bringing it to blogger.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he's here and he's wearing That Shirt and and he's here and he said hi, even --

oi. i hope this strange phase ends pretty soon.
JUST KIDDING I'M GOING TO MARRY THIS BOY
juuuuust kidding about that.
cough.

crushcrushcrush

we talked for nearly two hours yesterday. on chat (-_-) while in the same room (-______-;;;;;)

but i got to hear him quietly laugh at the things i wrote.
and i guess he got to hear me burst out laughing in a nearly silent lab. 

and i was telling him about the urban planning paper i was writing and how i wanted to work for something like the beltline one day and then he goes, he goes, oh i know a beltline kid. they gave me some of his work to correct.

at which point i was like wat. this! you! this!
IS THIS BOY EVEN REAL
ok, enough with the histrionics.

back to work.

lakjsfhasdfas happy

that moment you realize giving your crush candy may actually be the key to getting him to like you.

#mylife

boundaries

i had a meeting with someone from my urban planning class at the CULC today (he was pretty cute, not gonna lie) but holy crap, so many young people and.. and attractive, lively people..and ... and english speakers..and... young people...

...

phd kid is not ever allowed to venture farther than the student center.

>:|

i will thoroughfare for public interaction that shit. or plan a giant skyscraper obstructing it.
see, this class is proving useful already.

&#^@^

i honest to god blushed when i saw him today.

fuck it, it's a lost cause.

HE LOOKED SO GOOD ALKSDJFAHKLSDJFAHS;KASHDFLAK
i don't even care if no one understands. because i get it.
(i get it really, really bad.)

needle to skin

had dinner with my brother today. you know those leadership/business books where they always talk about having a mentor, and how it changed them in x amount of ways? i really believe that's what daniel's set the course to becoming. and i'm unbelievably blessed for it. it's frustrating a lot of times, but. idk, i actually took so much away from our meeting. he said this:

you have to have a plan. you have to be working towards it. it could be overarching, or long term, or it could change at the drop of a hat. but you can't just be floating. it's ok to not know what you want to do, but you should have an idea of what you want. 

and after thinking about it, i might just have an idea. it's really scary, because that means you take responsibility for it now, right? but i'm thankful.

in other news, i was mulling a bit over the E and M situation in my spare time on the bus, the one that may be unfolding UNBEKNOWNST to me. i don't want him to sleep with her. i don't want him, knowing she's offering a no strings attached hookup, to be the kind of person who would take her up on it. i'm not being selfish because i don't want them to be together. they can be together; they might even deserve each other. i'm being selfish because if that happens, i don't want the knowledge that i liked a complete asshole.
salvage value's still something, innit darling?
meanwhile, popcorn's still in the microwave.

if someone asked me who the person was that was able to make me cry most easily, i'd probably say daniel. with alarming, embarrassing efficiency.

but at the end of the day, the pros outweigh the cons, (which is the most important thing), and i guess i'll always be glad to be my brother's sister. he's blood, and that means something.

fuck, i have to go to sleep, and i've still got so many thoughts and i don't really know what to say
i like someone and i think i see something in them that people don't really often see, you know, they just call him weird but i think he's wonderful and belligerent and maybe a little boring like me and we could get along if he ever knew the me that i knew. the one that doesn't giggle.

but it's stupid because we both know i'm leaving in less than two weeks and for him to do anything about it would be to hold him to standards of courage i'm unwilling or unable to assign to myself.
and i'm not fucking prepared for finals and i can't ever get up in the morning, and fuck, i just need to settle down because in the outcrop-- ahhh i have no idea what i'm talking about. this is the last time i read questionable things before bed. the end.
i have cinnamon rolls and panettone in the fridge that i will never finish.

pinolillo

giving things to people makes me happy. giving things and cooking for people, and leaving my mark. i could hardly bear to wear those cheapo heart shaped glasses for fear i'd scratch them, and it's a shame that mike will probably never understand something like that (though i shouldn't be so quick to cast aspersions on his character, right? so it goes.)

it's not because i'm trying to be a good person either. maybe it's even the opposite of that.
i've never really thought about it before, honestly, but i think what it is, is that when it comes to other people,

it's the only manifestation of love or affection that you can ever control.

there's no telling if someone cares about you like you care about them, or feels anything at all. but if you do, then you should outpour it. because you can.

a lot of thought went into giving chad my last twix, okay?! 

i want to remember this forever

http://nedhepburn.tumblr.com/post/5415576989/let-it-be-known

out there are people like ned hepburn and richard siken and merlin mann and you just get the feeling that, oh, people are made terrible and cruel but sometimes people are made extraordinary.

 

on le corbusier and the plan voisin: the hell was that hippie up to?

you cannot love people who do not ask for love

 a poem from....someone i don't know IRL? but admire very much
 

What My Ex-Boyfriend Will Tell His New Girlfriend When She Asks About Me
(with apologies to a., who knows to never trust poetry)
That we met in exigent circumstances.
That he had a thing for girls built like me, and so —
That to him I was always like a cartoon character, something half real.
That he was in love with someone else at the time, and I mocked him for it,
and that’s why he was drawn to me.
That the girl he was in love with broke up with the man she was dating —
a no good philosopher with a hard on for Marquis de Sade
and a tendency towards obnoxious prose —
so he had to break up with me, and he thought I’d understand, and he thinks I did.
That once he texted me while I was driving back from a road trip,
and I almost drove into a pick-up truck, and I picked up
a candy bar for him from a gas station, and it was all the more romantic for it.
That the first thing I ever said to him was this is why you can’t trust poetry,
and it is still the truest thing I’ve ever said.
That he thought I had body issues, commitment issues, religion issues,
daddy issues, sexuality issues, trust issues, him issues, me issues.
That we never had a real conversation.
That it turns out he didn’t understand what he wanted from me, and
I didn’t want anything from him.
That you cannot love people who do not ask for love, and
I never asked him for anything.
That you cannot love people who ask for love, and
he never asked me for anything.

like cleopatra, joan of arc

we weren't meant to fuck and run.

justify it however you want. but the only reason we do it is because the other person isn't enough to make us stay in the way that we crave.

you really think that if someone came along that turned your world upside down in the best way, you'd say, 'yeah, i'm not really looking for anything right now' or 'i don't do long distance' or something?

bull shit.

you know it, i know it, everybody knows it. because life is about opportunity cost.

and when something's worth it to us, we damn well know.

we don't fuck and run.

what really is the quest for truth?

do we pursue it at all costs?

here's the way i see it.

if someone out there can be ridiculously endearing and charming and all those wonderful things and be completely oblivious to it and not even try --

well, maybe somewhere out there is someone that likes me just for me, as i am.

maybe?

#pining

you smiled at me and it was all over.