addendum

for the record, you asshole, there was so much to save.

what was your 2012 like?

i said it almost bitterly, but really.

it was absolutely wonderful.

even though sometimes it feels i'll never be able to let go of 2012 (i know it's a matter of time),

i wouldn't trade the way i laughed for anything.

i gave all the love i could, and it was absolutely wonderful. 

Ghosts

I should have left more of myself with you so that you'd be haunted like I am.

everyone is trying to hang out and do things and go places this weekend or even today and i just can't

dante

i know you have to be pushy as a guy, or else someone else will swoop in, and i know they wait in the wings.

but could you give it a fucking second?

it takes me a long time because i am immersive in my connections.

bigger graves take longer to dig and longer to fill.

it's a volume thing.

fish bones

i can't think about the memories or else i'll choke on them.

i did, for the record, have a great christmas. lots of good food, and cheer, and a fuji instax, and also spanish wine.

hey, remember that one time you just got back from charlotte and walked over from art foundry to meet me halfway from amli? you had this goofy grin on your face as we caught each others' eyes and you picked me up and spun me around (clockwise, you were wearing a white shirt and i was wearing a fluorescent yellow one), and we kinda just stayed like that for a few seconds with the 7 o'clock sun in our faces before walking over to yardhouse holding hands.

GOD DAMMIT why the hell do i REMEMBER EVERYTHING when i have a kid they're not learning piano because i'm convinced this is to blame

also i got a harmonica

it's all like fish bones stuck in your throat
either way you can't say a word

but i guess you can sing the blues because you now have a harmonica

il vaut la peine

stomping grounds

this post is complete vindictiveness, and honestly, i give no fucks.

you're not gonna know all the good restaurants to take her to, anyway.
because your turf is midtown and buford.
mine was EAV, and L5P, and the highlands, and decatur, and grant park, and inman park, and poncey highlands, and every fucking where.

it's getting hookah next to the variety playhouse and knowing where to park. it's buying spicy sipping chocolate from cacao and drinking it while looking at cards from the paper source or preserved lemons in bella cucina. it's cakes and ale, and bsp, and leons, and krog bar and the goat farm and the atlanta cupcake factory, and the earl and urban cannibals. it's ria's bluebird and dancing at noni's, the elvis shrine in star bar and wowser bowser at mjq. it's tiki night at the bookhouse, and a sazerac at octane, the carpaccio at atmosphere and wrecking bar and octopus bar and dr. bombay's underwater tea party, carver's kitchen and the king plow. the 529 and not only the masquerade but the playground on the beltline next to it. you can take her to holeman and finch, but you don't know their best cocktail, the indulgent and complex pleasure of putting your name down for a burger at 7:30 and whittling the night away with bone marrow and drinks until the horn sounds. you see, as much as you missed new york, atlanta is actually full of wonder. its heart is gorgeous. you just didn't see any of it, because you were too busy being uncomfortable.

so try your hardest, kiddo.

give it your best fucking shot.

in repair

wow, so... in a detail that i absolutely should not know, M arrives in atlanta tomorrow.
i would be a lot more filled with dread, were i not so morbidly enthralled. in the sense that i would like to get some popcorn and just watch this as a movie and see how it all plays out. will he get with her? will he forget about me? will it have the tiniest modicum of something meaningful? will i cross his mind? will he continue to be wracked with ennui? who knows! i wish it weren't as fascinating as it is, but there you have it.

in other news, i rode on the back of daniel's bike yesterday, and uh. whew. that thing they say about bikes being chick magnets. he accelerated and i was so delighted and i couldn't help but think, oh man, i have the world's tiniest crush on you now for no rational reason whatsoever. not that, you know, i'd ever date him, because, my life can't be normal, but. whew. he, uh. he's. y'know. he's cute.

...

/flustered

one day i'll have a new years eve kiss.

i'll be patient

!

i hear about you going out drinking, 'going nuts', flirting/hooking up with girls, and i think it's safe to say, in a pique of irony,

i feel sorry for you.

but then, i can't find the meaning for you. and you couldn't find it for yourself anyway.

slow it down

i know i'm not that close with them, and was never a huge part of it, i know, but still, vaguely, sitting at dinner today,
i wish you could have met that part of my life.
that time back then was immeasurably precious to me, and i wish you could have known that.

iron

i feel so... strong.

(not in general, mind. in relation to what i felt like before.)

working out is pretty great.

i'm not doing as much as i could, but i like to think i am reaping the results of a consistent, sustained effort.

table for two

sometimes when i'm particularly proud of the things i've made (especially these days), i can't help but irrationally wonder how you could've broken up with a girl that could cook some damn good food.

i'll eat it all myself, but i'd rather have shared it with you.

more power to the drunken hook up
to the meaningless hook up
because sometimes you just need to take a break from the sadness and shit
and in the moment, i feel like i really, really understood kevin
and why he would do what he's going to do.

and don't get me wrong, i love the work and the comfort and the quiet loveliness of a relationship with a future.
but i love the tension and the tactile sensations of a potentiality that i possibly never even noticed before.

and looking at his pictures now, he seems so much like a stranger.
and looking into the other's eyes as he was leaving--
i could have run after him in the hallway--
i could have grabbed his shirt lapel--
i could have wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to meet my lips--

--

--

afterparty

shoulda hooked up with him.

and i would have, too.

damn.

the way things work

me:  there will actually be a cute girl a the party today

though she has bf apparently so w/e

need more cute single girls

 Linda:  aww janet

she doesn't count as a cute girl then..

Stray thoughts

Was I your first anything at all?

history

just got back from brunch with a good friend.
he tells me i'm amazing, and stunning, and the things i say set such a high standard for him, because we learn so much from each other.
he looks at me like i'm the most incredible woman he's ever met,
and then he tells me so too.
and he is hands down one of the best people, the best people in my life.
we have this deep, deep mutual respect for each other, and when we talk it feels like we've known each other for years.
i think if i pass this up, i'd be just as stupid as kevin.
but-- oh, i don't know.

AH WELL, JOB STUFF FIRST

April

the sudden sincere realization that i want your happiness for you.

before, i believed you to be happiest with me (and maybe you were, but didn't know it). and that's why it seemed right to me for you to be sad when we were apart.

but i want you to be happy; true, deep happiness that reaches down into your soul and pervades through you.

and i want you to have this more than i want you to be with me.

fine. hook up with her if it makes you feel better.

活该

qu'est-ce que tu voudrais que je dise?

c'etait toi qui m'as quitte

there's this rotund bird outside my office window, it's this cardinal i've named clifford.

i wonder if he will in any sort of lifetime or universe realize that he brightens my day whenever i see him!

he's really fat.

physics

my motivation decreases the longer i haven't seen my brother.

today, let's be thankful for the people in our lives that propel us forward. they make us not want to be them, but to be better versions of ourselves.

i have a wide spectrum of friends, no lie. but if you're the type of person that is inherently inertial to me--

i want to start investing in you.
and i want to start returning the favor.

expect me, is what i'm saying.