still waters

realizing: all the people you care about and the people you admire that drive you to new heights-- they're in california. new york. chicago. boston. they're not here. very little is here.

all your friends are a patchwork because you flit, because life is too short not to meet new people, to be comfortable and stagnant. but then that means you don't integrate or solidify your ties, you don't settle in, and the people who are meaningful to you aren't meaningful to each other. dinner with friends separates into pockets of conversation. people give you weird looks when you show up. you miss the woodruff study lounge with sang and minhee. under the couch with the midnight society. you enjoy the nights, but with one or two other people. you miss when you were able to sit down at a big table and talk about something meaningful and real.

i just don't get it, you know. and i need to figure it out. it all feels so superficial. so... dependent.
so convenient.

i want a mike.
(not mike, god no, but a mike.)
i'm tired of meantime people.

#@

in the world of social media: either do something original, or beautiful, or both. otherwise, nobody gives a shit. we're not furthering the lives of anyone with the 15th picture of your baby in that exact same pose.

you're on a stage, honey. it's not about you anymore-- it's about what you're offering to the sharks.

condolences

your friends can be friends with your ex.

and they would like you to understand that it's nothing personal.
in the same way that your relationship with him could never be the same as their relationship with him,
your relationship with him is not the same as their relationship with him.

but you still think less of them for it.

i know that.

as the friend, as the ex, yknow, i've played every role. i'm playing every role.

i know that.

behind it all is the barely bitten back 'but can't you see how much of a complete asshole he is?' and how can you be friends with someone who did that to me--how can we still be close when you are friends with someone like that. you might as well be friends with a puppy kicker. a candy stealer. a heart breaker. 

i know that.

i wish you were sorry. i know i am.

praying

i was on reddit just now and some dude posted an album of these baby praying mantises hatching.
it made me think of this one time, back in grad school, i walked outside of the lab only to look down and find a 3 inch mantis with one leg stuck to a stray cobweb on the floor. i wanna say it was the first time i'd ever seen one in real life. i felt moved to pity, and repulsed at the same time, and every time i got closer to freeing it, it would move a certain way and i'd recoil. i still remember my stick being inches away from the web and at the very last moment, i noped the hell outta there.

i still regret sometimes not having freed it.

among other things, i think a large part of life consists of those moments where you struggle with yourself internally, and the grit your teeth and make a decision.

molting

i HATE when people ask me, how's the website going, how's the job search going, how're the projects going.

because it forces me to confront those things, and think about them, and pressures me to continue.

so please don't stop.

i'm growing, and these are growing pains, and it is all worth it. it's always worth it.