thoughts on a late night

I think a lot about the nature of mediocrity these days. what does it mean to be mediocre? sometimes i think it means to be average, which isn't altogether a bad thing. the problem is when it means that there's a great deal of potential, and not enough execution.

it leads me to this fundamental question about how to conduct a life. is it ok to live life being content as you are, with no intentional forward progress? is it ok to surround yourself with friends who will take you to fun places, but won't have the hard conversations with you? is it ok to be lulled into a sense of false importance at solving the little problems, but avoiding the underlying root cause? more and more i find that the answer to this is yes, yes it is. but damned if i am going to be that way.

i've been trying to be more sympathetic these days, but it's hard when dealing with bitterness or resentment. what's easy is to say, fine-- if you've left me, then go forth and see what you achieve now, without me.

we're all of us gods in the chrysalis. mediocrity stems from seeing the beauty of the shell and mistaking it for the end game. so yes, if there must be a fundamental separation between you and me, let's make one thing very clear.

I will not celebrate mediocrity.
I am not done.

ten things i'm thankful for

1. A roommate: someone who seems, on the whole, pretty great. 
2. A loving family that, despite being dysfunctional and tiring, is deep and constant in their love
3. A turntable to play at night, to play jazz records, to ease the loneliness
4. Cooler weather and soon, all the fall things!
5. Soft, fluffy omelet style eggs: i learned a new technique. it's fantastic. they melt in your mouth
6. Picking up photography again
7. Picking up video editing again
8. My ability to cook some stuff, and curiosity to cook more stuff
9. A good eye, useful in photos, resumes, books, the list goes on
10. The ability to fall asleep in 30 seconds flat because I know people with insomnia and oh my god. 

forcing yourself to look for the good helps your brain rewire to start looking for the good everywhere, or so I hear. I'll report back the findings. Until then!

We were on a break

it might be time to start writing again.

i think what happens when you start dating someone is, suddenly you have someone to tell all the things to! and then writing no longer becomes a necessity but a luxury.

but, i don't think it ever stopped being a necessity, especially for those of us who are overprivileged and middle class and doing things like contributing to 401ks.

hopefully i still have things to say.

On Facebook

"People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say." Kurt Vonnegut in Cat's Cradle

I think that's true. Especially of social media these days. I think we're addicted to all that fluff, the pictures of food, the 30th vague status, the irrelevant check in-- because we hope at some point, at some place-- we'll know someone who will say something meaningful.

Maybe somewhere among all the trash, is something worth reading. Something incendiary and sticky in your head, something other than how much fun your high school acquaintance had at mardi gras, or what the weather was like that day. Something worth a god damn shit.

++

sick, on my period, interviews, and currently working extended hours for the biggest project our entire department has had in a decade.

but it aint no thang, because hell, remember grad school?

hahahahahahaa positivity really gets me sometimes. and i get it.

phile

 me:  what brand?

 Sang:  audio technica

 me:  BEATZ BY DRE

jk

dont kill me

 Sang:  ok

im gonna be busy for the rest of my life now

 me:  hahahaha

 Sang:  bye

but i would be okay living quietly with you, and having it take years and years.

必然

so word on the street is, K and his girlfriend broke up. yeah, nobody saw that one coming, what with his moving to a different state for a girl he'd started long distance dating for less than 6 months.

some people just don't have any sense. and it's not like a girl from new york is going to humor him just because he's in love with her.

better luck next time, i suppose.

i really have to ask though--

what did you really think was going to happen by asking someone to fill an emotional gap that you never learned to fill yourself?

residual bitterness, ok, maybe a little. i'm working on it.

oh my god

who the hell would ever want to do this relationship shit?

3 days in and all i can think about is how much free time i had and how much accountability i had to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE but myself

too bad i kinda like this one.

well shit.

me:  yeah well

 Linda:  ?

 me:  i'm kinda waiting for the ball to drop

 Linda:  what you mean?

 me:  there's gotta be something wrong with this guy

 Linda:  lol

so paranoid

 me:  there's no wa y ok

he's super well read

and exercises

and is nice and makes jokes with his dad

and gets my stats nerd outs

 Linda:  ppl like that exist okay

 me:  I DONT BEVLIEVE IT

 Linda:  lol

and you may have snagged one of the few

rejoice

okay gn

tired

 Sent at 10:51 PM on Monday

 me:  still dont believ it

pickup truck

i wanna be the type of person that hangs out with you when i'm happy and free. not when i need a shoulder or an ear, or when i'm running away from someone (myself or otherwise). everyone uses people, it's true. we as humans like to be needed, or useful. but sometimes, when things are good, we just wanna share that goodness.

friends are tools, but not just that.

Just sayin

Can we skip all this uncertainty and just get to the part where I wife this dude?

weird tuesday musings

sometimes you do have to apologize. don't, if you don't regret it. but just because you don't regret it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong, and it doesn't mean an apology isn't owed at some point.

know what i mean?

in other news, i've been wondering if i'm cut out for asserting dominance in relationships. i can't ever do that thing where if i see a boy talking to another girl, i go and pee over everything. i still remember annie walking up in front of me and kissing elliot about two feet in front of my face. that's how to do it in the animal kingdom, right? otherwise ~interests get formed~ and ~danger happens~. maybe i'm just too lazy, or naive? on the one hand, trust is necessary. on the other, shit happens. maybe i place too much stock in the other person. but shouldn't we? isn't that what love means? isn't that the point of all this?

steady on

everything's all "i have no time and i'm working on projects" until you meet a guy you might potentially like.

then it's all, "i have no time and i'm working on projects"
but now you can't think straight and want to shirk all your responsibilities and just go play on playgrounds and eat things with them.

but i am going to follow through, distractions or not.

boys come and go. you stay with yourself considerably longer.

switches

when i talk to mike, i become witty. sardonic, and sharp, and i wish i could be like that clever with everyone, but i suppose i'll just have to accept that it's something he brings out in me because he is always the unattainable.

green

I wish i could say that i'm not jealous, but i am, and i really wish i knew how to clear the gross gunk out of my heart. because according to the great louis ck, the only reason you should be looking into your neighbor's bowl is to see if they have enough. not to see if you have as much as them.

and it's kind of a paradox too, innit? hang out with amazing people and they're always making cool shit happen and being better than you and making you feel inadequate. or getting engaged or some shit like that. but hang out with not amazing people and nobody's pushing you, and frankly it's kind of shallow and brain numbing. sometimes even toxic.

i must define my happiness by my own self.

i must also get a fucking move on.

still waters

realizing: all the people you care about and the people you admire that drive you to new heights-- they're in california. new york. chicago. boston. they're not here. very little is here.

all your friends are a patchwork because you flit, because life is too short not to meet new people, to be comfortable and stagnant. but then that means you don't integrate or solidify your ties, you don't settle in, and the people who are meaningful to you aren't meaningful to each other. dinner with friends separates into pockets of conversation. people give you weird looks when you show up. you miss the woodruff study lounge with sang and minhee. under the couch with the midnight society. you enjoy the nights, but with one or two other people. you miss when you were able to sit down at a big table and talk about something meaningful and real.

i just don't get it, you know. and i need to figure it out. it all feels so superficial. so... dependent.
so convenient.

i want a mike.
(not mike, god no, but a mike.)
i'm tired of meantime people.

#@

in the world of social media: either do something original, or beautiful, or both. otherwise, nobody gives a shit. we're not furthering the lives of anyone with the 15th picture of your baby in that exact same pose.

you're on a stage, honey. it's not about you anymore-- it's about what you're offering to the sharks.

condolences

your friends can be friends with your ex.

and they would like you to understand that it's nothing personal.
in the same way that your relationship with him could never be the same as their relationship with him,
your relationship with him is not the same as their relationship with him.

but you still think less of them for it.

i know that.

as the friend, as the ex, yknow, i've played every role. i'm playing every role.

i know that.

behind it all is the barely bitten back 'but can't you see how much of a complete asshole he is?' and how can you be friends with someone who did that to me--how can we still be close when you are friends with someone like that. you might as well be friends with a puppy kicker. a candy stealer. a heart breaker. 

i know that.

i wish you were sorry. i know i am.