even in the afternoon

i miss now the things we could have been and the places we could have gone together--
decorating a christmas tree in your apartment
going on picnics
discovering atlanta together
cuddling in the holidays
holding your hand

but i realize now

you were not worthy

and while i can't help the emotions i feel for the memories of the past and potentiality of the future
i will not continue putting my energy into those who do not deserve it.

karma II

How selfish i was back then.

Wed, Dec 30th 2009

i wonder if we'll ever talk again. i wonder if the 'x period of time' is really just code for, 'indefinitely'. you've stopped going on gchat, which i suppose is also for the best. when you're there, i just kind of stare at your name in a completely, completely pathetic manner.

this is exactly why i was prolonging the inevitable. because, strangely enough, i face a lot of guys confessing. it always seems to follow the same pattern, actions-wise. so if i am a worse person because i wanted to continue this whatever-we-had as opposed to the complete demise of our friendship, then that's what i am. sure it was unfair to you, who are looking for a long term girlfriend. mea culpa.

but with any of them... save that one REALLY persistent guy; if i could have had their friendship over pained silence, i would have feigned ignorance.  and i did. call me weak. i did it voluntarily.

you said, at some point you just have to grow a pair and do something. was there no way we could have remained friends? that eventually, you would have gotten sick of me, and the infatuation would have just faded away? is it really easier to get rid of the feelings forcefully like this? i don't agree.

but i am the one who made the decision.

so my agreement means nothing.

karma

an entry that i wrote years ago, addressed to tim
that i now would like to address to myself:

---


"what are you so afraid of?"

right? that's what you asked. here, then. here is a list.

• that you aren't the right one for me.
• not even that, but that i don't want you to be.
• if sometime down the road, i decide i dont want you to be,
• that i'll break your heart.
•  
• that i'll let you down
• that i'll actually be happy being with you
• years of rationalization
• the same things everyone is afraid of
• that you, that i, that we are not enough to overcome these fears. 

---

it is now, and only now, that i begin to see very real and very cruel parallels.

twin sized bed

comfort:
if there was life after him
there will be life after you
and after you the you that follows
apres tout, la vie continue

when other people break up, it feels like nothing. it's just something you hear or talk about. when it happens to you, you are crushed and haunted with all the space you will live without someone that you once ate and slept and made plans with.

i know it's a dumb 7 month dating excursion. nothing compared to one year, two years, five years, marriage.

but it still hurts and stuff.

qui sait?

Countdown

Okay, I give it one month. If I'm still feeling raw by then, we begin with the systematic defriending/unfollowing. It took me fucking forever to get over mike, so I suppose that's an optimistic estimate. But... I can't continue being friends with him like this if I keep feeling like this.

In my opinion, I don't understand why he is sad or drunk or mildly belligerent, because he clearly didn't like me enough to even want to try. Sadness reserved only for those who were broken up with, kthx. Fuckers trynna have their cake and eat it too.

I woke up today because I suddenly realized, oh. The talk that there are others that fit us better, the question of whether or not I believe in soul mates, the knowing tones of all my guy friends-- you broke up with me because you were waiting for someone you liked better. Duh. I realize now that aside from distance, this seems to really be at the heart of why everyone breaks up.

It's such a predictable pattern by now that it's almost laughable too. Here, lemme write it out for you. Guy is interested in girl, pursues her hard. Girl is hesitant, but eventually agrees, they date, girl likes the guy more and more, guy begins to wonder if he is settling. Girl has taken her time and now is ready and wants to solidify things, guy is now unsure, girl is blindsided, gives ultimatum, guy refuses and or breaks up, everyone is back to square one. Or, alternate ending, guy accepts and lives a married and lukewarm life.

There are exceptions of course. But out of ten couples, I'd tell nine not to hold their breaths.

The end. Hope you enjoyed the story

Le temps perdu

I'm going to make a running list of the universe's most painful questions. I begin below:

1. Do you want me to go?
2. 
   

denouement

why does everyone else get to stay together?

why was i not enough?

i wanted so badly to decorate a tree with lights, humming bing crosby and tugging on the hem of your gaudy christmas sweater.

i don't miss the memories; i miss the possibilities.