BMP 8/19

BMP 8/19: Went ice skating. 


I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE

list making

i kept a running list about you in the other blog. (god, yes, i know, another blog, i am so full of WORDS EVERYWHERE, so many words everywhere, god, it's absolutely fucken ridiculous is what it is, why do i write so much, shit)

i titled it 'A Running List of Things I Like About You' and i dated it january 29th, 2015. this made sense to me at the time, since i was convinced i would keep finding things, and dating it that way would keep it at the top. for me to see. whenever i was on there. for me to easily add to. it was a good system, if a bit .. indulgent.

contrary to my belief, it's an interesting retrospective read. there are things on there that i forgot, really wonderful things that i'm glad i had the prescience to write down. i wish i knew what prescience meant. i'm pretty sure it means what i think it does.

i dunno, just thought it kind of funny like. and i read it, and read it, and thought of virgil and how he said Sed fugit interea fugit irreparabile tempus, singula dum capti circumvectamur amore, and unrequited infatuation, and deleted it without a third thought.........................................

But meanwhile it flees: time flees irretrievably, while we wander around, prisoners of our love of detail.

BMP 8/18

so one of my resolutions this year was to do one thing a day that scared me. the first time i'd heard of it, i blinked. and then the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. do things you wouldn't normally do. conquer petty fears. adrenaline spikes. soul strengthening.

so i'd been trying to keep it up throughout the year, with moderate success. i think it would have helped/been nice to record it somewhere though. so better late than never, right?

so i'm calling it the Bogey Man Project. it was very nearly the Clown Project, as clowns are immensely more frightening than, oh, anything in the world, really. but i digress.

they really won't be anything big, either. well, sometimes they will. speaking up to someone. changing lanes. i dunno, it'll be what it is, because these fears are not contextualized by your experiences. they're contextualized by mine.

8/18:
Went on a late night drive with my father for no reason.


we are not, and never will be, the type of family that hugs and talks about feelings. we are the family of stilted conversations, awkward dinners, hurt feelings. we do not say i love you. we carry scars from decades of emotional abuse in all directions.

outwardly expressing desire to spend time with my father, of whom it took me years to forgive for past transgressions, --such an ordinary, everyday thing-- felt like such a huge concession. it's just not done. but........

cmere you

i need an affectionate guy friend to be my body pillow on a semi regular basis plz. one without a girlfriend.

feel like snuggling :3

i joined tumblr! under the same name as this blog. and mostly for all the tumblr accounts i wanted to follow.
great, just what i need, another form of media wherein i express too much.
maybe i'll use it for poetry.

hay girl hayyyyy

  ~ Matt damn girl, you fine. you fine.

can i have your numba?

can i get your numba?

can i have the digits that will enable me to contact you via the telephone?

can i get yo numba?

can i get the area code and seven digits?

and that is how i get all the chicks

repeating history

something interesting happened today...

it made me lose my breath.

it may be a bad idea.

i'll keep you updated, anthropomorphic literary dumpsite for the emotionally confused.