hot doorknobs

i wonder if other people felt what i feel with jason. when i see him understand that he can do better, that he deserves better. what went through people's minds when i stood on newborn legs, shaky with undodged bullets and unfinished wants. i can't help that brief bloom of --of something, when he opens his phone and then closes it again, "i'll text her later", the brief canine internal conflict before "nah, you and chad are here and i'm gonna hang out with you guys".

the knowing is enough for me, i suppose. back when i was lost in the haze, and mike could do no prosecutable wrong, and everyone, everyone, saw something frail and watery in him that i didn't-- so of course i would rather jason find someone more...more. i'm moderately satisfied if he goes into it at least knowing it's a bad idea. better that than some bright delusion. but how do you even look after someone you know nothing of, and simply feel some unexplained, illogical affection for?

hope does spring eternal, mind. lightning rods exist for a reason.

but--but-- i see that unhappy tilt of his mouth and all i can think

of is when i stuck my head out the window of a smoky room and breathed that sweet, clean air