peas and beanie

i was loading pictures into dropbox and i found a folder called 3.27.12 full of pictures of emily and me.

a year ago, almost to the day, i think we were somewhat of best friends.

maybe i should go get her back?

is it even worth it? things are all decimated.

but....

Vici

Lessons learned from last night:
Date an engineer intellectually
But take a lover who's an artist.

See through was fucking insane. I could explain it but there's really no way that I could do it justice. It has to be experienced, because people who make art are freaking weird and amazing and their brains work in such a different way. Everyone I talked to last night said they read the event page and had no idea what it was all about. I went and still have no idea what to say about it. It was so overwhelming and intense and chaotic and shit, artists are just so. Fucking. Out there.

They kiss like they're conquering something.
And they touch you like it too.

tempus fugit (3)

somehow, working in medical software had convinced me that in hospice care, since patient documentation and billing and care plans were taken down every 90 days, people admitted had that long before passing.

it's really not the case at all.

sometimes it's weeks. most of the time, it's days.

so i really didn't mean to tie this into anything; it was just a passing observation. but, when i do think about it, it's fitting right, that even in life-- the time you allot does not always equal the time you have.

Cusps

as this fresh smelling, beautiful breeze rolled in through my window, i thought, man i'm gonna miss having someone around during the spring and summer, even more than i did in the fall and winter. then i thought about how great it would've been to have someone around in the fall and winter.

and then i thought about how beautiful and remarkable life and seasons are.

it's...rather astounding, and i wish i could have a million of these quiet, wonderful moments of appreciation.

despite our perceived problems, i really do love life, and all it has to offer. and it offers open windows!

IN OTHER NEWS I'M GETTIN MY ASS BACK TO CHURCH

hindsight

it's cruel, but you can't expect people to stop living their lives.

it wasn't like he was a very nice person to begin with, either.

he used to say he was a nice guy on the outside, but actually an asshole, and deep down under all that, still somewhat good.

the knowledge now is that he's an asshole wrapped around a layer of asshole with an asshole coating.

who'd have thunk?

voler

i haven't defriended you because one day, when i'm happy with someone else again, i do want to be friends again. do you think that's impossible?

people think about this all the time, but-- the fragility of human bonds is truly astounding. that you can be so intimately close with someone half a year, a year, 2 years ago, and be complete strangers now--

how very--

very--

refractive.

in other news, i know you like someone else now. and i seem to be the only one of a bajillion exes that seems to be bothered by or even care about their old love moving on. am i just doing it wrong? qui sait..

(vice)versa

guys always talk about how the sex is good/the only redeeming factor with crazy girls, as if it isn't the exact same case with dysfunctional boys.

hint: it is

(i dont know why i'm upset you deleted that picture of us in decatur from your profile picture album. i was the one that deleted the totoro photo from my album first.)

i really need to not talk about boys as much on this blog.

but..everything else is acceptable to talk to people about. these are the secret things.

baby blue

dan probably thinks i'm easy because i'd have hooked up with him the second time i saw him in person. he single handedly got me to act like one of those girls that just meets someone and takes them home from the bar/party/anywhere. unbelievable.

if he only knew that literally everyone has tried within the course the past 5 years, and the closest anyone ever really got was a freaking model.

i hope he asks around about me. but there's a party in 2 weeks, and we're both getting sick of dancing around each other.

who's that lady?

at the end of the day, i still want someone like mike.

passionate, and full of life, and so so colorful. he would laugh with his whole body, shaking and folding in on himself. when i was with him i felt jittery and inadequate and blessed. how strange, right?

i remember watching him sing that isley brothers song on stage at the show with those ridiculous sunglasses on, and thinking he was the most goddamn beautiful thing i'd ever seen.

ahh, nostalgia. but yknow, everyone's got that person that they're always going to be a little bit in love with.
but you know. back to our regularly scheduled programming.

the new order

sometimes i ponder about the genealogy of our past loves.
like if they were to take on a physical representation. if each heartbreak was a scar, if each crush was a faint blushing mark, if each love was a deep and permanent wine colored bruise.

i think it would say a lot about the relationship you had with them.

but it would probably say a lot more about you.