yesterday

sang leaves atlanta next tuesday.

i'll fucking cry over every goodbye i want to and if you have a problem with that you can go straight to hell

because you knew me when i was a younger me

if the person you are with is not

teaching you anything
making you a better person
making you more of a person
doing something you admire
being someone you admire

then you are not with the right person.

i know you wanted someone to accept you as you were. i understand the comfort in that.
but we're not here to comfort each other. we're here, on this earth, because we have an eye blink before we're gone, and we're meant to poke and prod each other into something more. something greater. something more beautiful. we cannot ever be stagnant, we cannot ever stop learning, and we cannot ever stop searching for someone to inspire us to start.

got invited to a party today where the only person i'd have known was the person i came with.

fuck.

you're my ticket out, will.

i just wish i didn't have to worry about things not being platonic. between you and myles, i think my life could be radically different.

qu'est-ce qu'il faut faire?

edit: FUCK IT, I'M GOING, #YOLO9

i know, okay, i know it's normal to see pictures on facebook of her new boyfriend. of his new girlfriend. new relationships, people still friends, yada yada yada. tagged photos of old loves.

it still seems heartless.

the cone of shame

dudes that have a cologne that smells amazing and lingers: i hate you.

because there just isn't a non-creepy way to tell you that. or ask you what you're wearing.

or surprise cuddle you and never let go.

v___v;;

man, i feel so bad for any ex girlfriend of annie's now-boyfriend. i really dunno how you'd handle such complete and utter upgrade devastation. like it's not even fair

edit: WAIT i meant annie b. the girl that just got a boyfriend today and is probably the prettiest one i know. i only realized ex post facto that kevin's gf has the same name, lmao oh geez. how dumb would that have been: "I SURE FEEL BAD FOR KEVIN'S EX GIRLFRIEND" /shakes head

tell em all to go to hell

i'm doing this thing where i try to be less critical and back talky.

i have SO MUCH to complain about. and so much to be critical about. people to complain about, circumstances to get mad over.

but i'm presented with this opportunity right now and every moment henceforth to not do a single fucking thing about that, and well.

let's give that a try.

it's so haaaaaaaaard :( etc etc etcrawrawrawrawrawrawrwrwrawrawr

i met a guy randomly at party in the park today.
i really should have chased after him when he left and just said, 'hey do you wanna get coffee sometime?'
instead i let fear and social norms and shyness dictate what i should and should not do, and i spent the rest of the night regretting it.

who knows, maybe it could've been really cool.
i dont want to live with any more regrets like that.

next time i'm doing it.

...
UGH, WHY, I AM SUCH AN IDIOT

me:  exciting!

there's an app idea some dude mentioned to me the other day

that you should try developing on android

something about a caldenar

lol misspellings~

 Chris:  :) i won't judge you too harshly

 me:  to*

 Chris:  Now I'm judging.

 me:  judgeing*

 Chris:  it's amazing how fast someone can become unattractive

 me:  amazeing*

 Chris:  stahp :|

lol.

 me:  stop*

 Chris:  v_v

 me:  i'm a terrible person.

 Chris:  yeah, it's true

in any case

but i do have a few things to say on the matter.

1. if it weren't for the way elliot treated annie, i would be taking this a lot harder. which is to say, he left lpei and treated her like shit, and then found someone else he liked better and treated her like gold. and if i hadn't been eased into that by him, if i hadn't gotten gradually used to the fact that that sort of thing will happen, honestly i dont know how much worse it would be to see that kevin actually takes pictures with this new girl and puts them as his profile picture. how much harder it would be to accept that he might actually treat her well.

2. the mike thing was terrible. it was terrible. he broke my heart and then i left for the summer and he found someone new and brought her to utc and all his friends were my friends and it was terrible. but i resolutely didn't unfriend him because i knew, i knew one day that i wanted someone like him in my life. he is irreplaceable. watching him perform on stage singing the isley brothers wearing blue shades, hair in disarray, he just. felt life so deeply, and there's no one else like him. i can't cut him out of my life completely, even if i want to, because he's gold. he's fucking psychedelic and it's painfully wonderful. 

what

about kevin

is worth keeping ex post facto?

and i wanna tell someone. i wanna gchat elysia or anyone really and proudly proclaim, i did all these things. and i felt nothing (much). he's gone now. and then i realize, after the initial desire, i just don't even feel like bringing it up. the thought of having a conversation about it tires me out, and i think that's when you realize you really getting over it. 

unfriended, blocked, and it feels so good.

is this the point where you realize you don't have very many meaningful friends (in large part a self sabotaging thing) in the sense of, default, comfortable, don't want to hook up with you, meaningful friends, and then you decide to join the baseball team, or the book club, and then suddenly find a bunch of people with shared interests who inspire you and shit?

isn't that how it works most of the time and in the movies?

i don't know. but something does have to change, i think.

the singular obsession with "finding someone" is starting to get to me. 

do you think meeting a woman (or man) is going to magically make you get your shit together?

GET A JOB. HIT THE GYM. FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE OR CALL UP YOUR OLD BUDDY FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

jesus christ. if you even met the girl of your dreams, would you be someone worthy of her?

#nofilter

i have a really fancy shmancy camera now. but there's nothing quite like that feeling when i first got my holga, unrolling the film and taking pictures. seeing it develop with that grain and that muted feeling of summer that no amount of photoshop or filters or what the fuck ever could reproduce.

even though film is dying, like vinyl is dying, i'll tell you why it held on for as long as it did:

because it made photography an experience. you captured moments that were precious because you had 12 shots and that was it, and you never knew what you were going to get. for me, it captured summer and that one specific time in my life, and it was wonderful.

and it might even be a reach, but that low-fi, fuzzy quality? it feels like it should.
like, do you remember shady afternoons with the screen door open, quietly slurping watermelon from a tupperware bowl on the counter? it's peaceful and muted around you, and somehow, somehow, that's what you get from that dark space in a film photo. that softness.

fuck instagram and everything it stands for. life is not supposed to be skeumorphic.

back, back in the day

when the full force of their love hits you, it washes you under like an unexpected wave, bright and salty. cold. glittering.

until they kick us out

fuck, that beat is so hot.