hey, you!

i realized i forgot your gtID! and as someone who actually does remember everything, like the brand of that empty bottle of wine you kept on your desk, that's how much i pay attention to fucking detail, i got up and thought today,

i'm not gonna try and remember, even though i could with such great ease.

now i wait for the day i'm over you enough to be completely apathetic and stop posting emo posts after i wake up from weird, vivid dreams. soon, though. i'm so close, i'm so close i can taste it.

one of these, not like the other

today i took my parents to little five points and they really liked eating at the porter.

i felt like a sheep herder in a pasture of hipster cows and homeless wolves

short emo post that i'm going to spare twitter

some people make you feel lonelier when you're around them

some people make you feel more alone when you're around them

they're not the same, and they're both bad.

demain

tomorrow my dad wants to go out and eat breakfast and then walk around/climb stone mountain.

i on the other hand would like to sleep in and surf the net. can i get a what what

he keeps saying he'll wake me up so we can go, and i keep refusing.

but secretly, i wonder if i should. i wonder how much time together we have left, and how many other people in the world aren't as fortunate. how many people would kill to spend time with their family.

it makes me feel a bit ashamed.

my parents are awkward and we don't speak, and we have a whole host of issues i can't even begin to get into. we'll never be the type to take pictures together, embracing. we'll never say i love you, or even voice any feelings resembling that.

but i've never, ever, ever doubted how much they love me, because they show it every day. my mother, in the way she frets and cooks for me; my dad in all the little things.

that's why the details matter so much to me. you can see everything in them. i look at the mundane life of my parents and see so much love, even though i don't know anything about my dad.

but i digress.

it will be incredibly unfun tomorrow...but maybe i should go anyway?

in retentis

oh my god

i think i'm free

dishwasher soap

tentative photoshoot this weekend.

FIRST ONE EVER.

got some ideas rolling around in my head...

get excited.

/ragequit

today is the first day i actually felt..

... angry.

as the implications sunk in-- as i realized--

i'm not hurt or sad or angsting or trying to work out my feelings.

i am angry, and i legitimately think you are an asshole.


not some wonderful person who messed up. i actually think you are just an asshole.


now i'm fairly certain this isn't a good thing. but i'm not entirely sure it's a bad thing either.

enoughhhhh enough with defending you.

i am listening to a lot of angry fuck you music and then i'm moving on because i no longer think you're worth it.

ETA: and it's about damn time

in praise of the underground

jesus fucking christ.

for about two years, i was obsessed with blu&exile's album below the heavens. i dont think three days went by before i cycled that album.

now, i'm on spotify and i discover albums upon albums of exile's stuff. on youtube, there's an endless maze of J Dilla, Johnson and Jonson, Fashawn, Blu, and Exile with his hand behind all of it.

Exile's radio remix, good god. and a new b&e album coming out soon.

to the underground players in hip hop, you define the art of the eargasm.

you can damn well be sure i'll be drinking to you the next chance i get.

god, you have no fucking idea how much i love them.

ars poetica

maybe i should start writing poetry and veer away from the prose. that way, it seems less like a catastrofuck when i open my literary mouth.

you know what i love about poetry? reading other people's poetry? i love that when they're in love, or when they're enthralled or heartbroken or any feeling at all, really, that you can see it in your heart. it's not written out for you like a patronizing gift, sure; you'll have to work a little for it. but you get to see that this boy is absolutely head over heels for some girl and he's all like what the fuck, i hate this and fuck fuck you have the prettiest cupid's bow smile i have ever seen in my entire life. 


maybe i write a lot, and through so many mediums, because that kinda shit is important to me. maybe i wanna be the type of person who has things to say about things, overflowing and never ever ever stopping. because you write what you feel, and i wanna feel everything. even if it's shit and angst and about boys who don't deserve it.

SO HEY, FOROUD. i think your tumblr is cool and so's your brain and half of it is resentful captivation of some girl but i like that you're not open at all but that you're open in that extent, about that thing, in that way. it's more than we get from, well, anyone these days, and it's not even half of the real you.

but i digress.

i have too many words everywhere, on facebook, gmail, twitter, blogger. i think too much, maybe. too many opinions and feelings on things. it gets a bit tiring, i know.

i'd rather some histrionic deluge flow through my fingertips than have nothing worth writing about. if you're not expressing, what are you feeling? and how worthwhile of an emotion is that?

conversations

 GA: ROMEO AND JULIET.

AND RIVAL ZOMBIE SLAYING CLANS.

 me:  why not rival zombies.

 GA:  Eh.

It's not a sexy script.

"BRAINNNNNNNNNNNNNZ."

get into writing, kids. you get to have conversations like these.

sitting, waiting, wishing

i know a lot of guys, and girls who don't deserve them. and maybe girls with guys who don't deserve them, and maybe some girls that deserve some guys more than other girls.

but in the end, it doesn't matter, because love and all variations thereof do not operate on a point system. 

it's not fair; it never is. it's messy and fickle and searingly brutal. it takes so much dedication, especially against the irrationality and the gradual lessening of passion. and it fucks you up, god damn. that last one's the kicker. it really fucks you up.

so you know, if you can make it work, then more power to you. maybe you don't deserve him, and you're gonna screw it all up. and maybe she's jealous of the girl who left you, that incredibly smart girl who has a radiant smile and a good relationship with her father and is Going Places. but, idk. it's kind of a shitty world, and maybe you've found someone else  and, you know, i'll be happy for you because it's just not that easy out there. and everyone deserves someone even if. there's still soupy feelings coming in from the other side. THE DUMMY NODE, IF YOU WILL. *nerds out*

or you, i don't have to like you. aaaaand i don't. but everyone deserves happiness.

no matter who it hurts. this is important. everyone deserves happiness.

the kids on the bylines who got caught in the crossfire will just have to grow the fuck up and try to understand that. 

why am i writing so much these days? what's this shit that i'm trying to get out? 

well. hell if i know, darling.

IN OTHER NEWS!
i hung out with midsoc today and it was the happiest i've been all week.
i love sitting there listening to paul talk about strange cotton shirt blends and thomas debating about pokemon cards and eli's face as he encountered a tapioca pearl for the first time. if there was ever a facial manifestation for the term, "--THE FUCK IS THIS?" it would be eli's face. and getting to see evan again, which is the always best thing ever. there is some sort of deep, deep fondness that wells up inside. i think it's the product of my incredibly annoying sentimental heart.

fuck it. you guys are my favorite. <3

don't carry it all

don't take it personal. he was always going to mean more than you.

it's what makes us human, what makes it possible for some poor schmuck to wake up, turn over and quietly, reverently trace the eyelashes of some blonde haired thing.

it's kind of interesting to think about, right? the way you'll never mean anything, really, to some people. the way you might mean everything to someone, one day.


...in other news, i have seriously gotta stop with the stoners/potheads. i better not have some sort of involuntary affinity to them, because that's kinda what it looks like right now

hey you

yeah, you.
you can suck my dick.

SIGH that's not a very nice thing to say. oh well, i'll be unrepentant for for a least a good few hours.

what what

...huh.

how do i put this.

I AM TRYING TO HIT THAT.

just kidding. mostly.

tv guide

oh JGL. inception was the best thing you ever wore.
i watched it again on HBO and i know the plot is amazing and the filming and the soundtrack, but damn. i just wanna stare at arthur's three piece suits some more.

girls get this infinite variety of ways to dress, but boys. boys, you get dunhill, and simon spurr, and armani. my god, have you any idea. and you get italian leather briefcases, you lucky sons of bitches. there's a few things in this world people should appreciate, and one of them fine tailoring. whoo-er. start appreciating. go watch inception. again. those lines. *fawn* and don't even get me started on everything that tom hardy is.

jesus christ.




er. i've been watching a lot of tv lately. a lot of romantic comedy/drama/dramedies too. you know what i've noticed? a lot of time, to create conflict, there will be a love triangle. and it's pretty clear which one the guy should get with (it's usually always a guy) and towards the end, when he goes up to Wrong Woman, it's pretty by the book. he'll notice earlier in the film something that makes Right Woman special or different. things like knowing about perpetual motion, or being able to do laundry.

even though Wrong Woman is gorgeous and exciting and wanted by everyone, Idiot Man will realize he wants someone with Inner Beauty. as he converses with her, he slowly realizes the error of his ways.

Wrong Woman: what's the matter, billy/tommy/bryce/alex?
Idiot Man: it's nothing. .. can we talk about something else, like perpetual motion? (Have you ever done your own laundry?)
Wrong Woman: huh? what's that? (huh? what's that?)

and he'll end up with Right Woman because Right Woman is smart and strong and independent or something.

now, i have to ask:

when the hell does that ever happen in real life?

j, listen to me, j. i got this girl who wants to sleep with me and i don't even have to like, buy her dinner or anything, but you. you like dancing in the rain and can implement algorithms! that is special! i am going to invest in you!

please.

the truth of the matter is, we're getting to an age where it's getting stupid to play games. i'm tired of stupid he said she saids, indecisions, fears of getting hurt, competitions, subterfuges.

if i like you, i will damn well let you know. and it'd be nice if you could do the same. i don't have time to watch you pay attention to other girls, or waffle. if you dunno, just tell me you dunno. why should it be complicated? why should girls have to wait N days before calling, or put out on the third date, or have some giant network of gossip and mutual friends fucking everything up? and if you don't feel the same way, well, the world won't end, kiddo. walk that shit off, but go at your own pace.

it kind of, all of it... all of it kind of boils down to, well--


how much trouble could we save if we just cut through all the bullshit?

undue attention to detail

i was at Ross today searching through random knick knacks and looking at an aluminum water bottle with my horoscope on it and it said 'you pay a lot of attention to detail, which can be good, but also means you dwell on things much more than the average person.' and i started laughing hysterically (on the inside)

you know things i hate?
dentists.
blehhhhhhhhh!!!

in other news, i think i did something stupid and gchatted M. i mean, on one hand, there's the whole cut off all communication until you're with someone else and completely over them argument. on the other, besides from the initial trepidation, i didn't feel much. and that's good, right? because it means i'm mostly done. i think. it was kinda interesting too, to observe it now. made me realize how damn hard i had to try, all those months ago, to converse with him. and it shouldn't be so hard, i think. especially with someone you date; they should be interested enough to fifty-fifty the convo. anyway, just some thoughts. i doubt we'll talk again because he never makes the first move anyway, and i'm accepting the distance more with each day. i was wasted on him, maybe. but at least this way we're acquaintances, or something. we have the capability to talk, even if there's no inclination. it's a shame, to be sure. he was an amazing, funny, intensely colorful person. still is. but you really can't make someone care about you if they don't.

so it's on to the next beautiful thing, innit?

unofficial rules

if you can't tell me within 500 points where the DJIA closed, don't bother asking me out. i have neither the time nor the patience for people who have their financial head in their ass. 


in other news, the best piece of awesome i've seen all day: http://t.co/lx7yjNX

colly strings

you know what i love? i love that the first time you fall asleep with someone, spooned in their arms, you don't really even sleep. you just lie there, willing your hummingbird heart to slow down long enough to catch some zzz's. you think about how right it feels, and as it moves from 3:59am to 4:00am you're still thinking about it as you close your eyes out of polite pretense. because, hey, might as well keep some semblance of trying.

i love that they look over your shoulder at you for long moments like you're the best fucking thing that's ever happened to them. your eyes are closed but you're awake and god, what if you'd been asleep then? what if you'd never known what that's felt like?

and everything's careful, and you don't wanna move a muscle even though you're cramped and too hot and uncomfortable. because it's worth it, and you wake up the next morning just dying, from it all.

i love every second of it.

it will never mean any less than it does.

till you make it

just discovered sparklehorse and it's making me sadder than death cab which is A FEAT but it's so damn good i can't stop. it's like someone mixed in a pseudo lo fi post rock with Fields, Death cab, Iron and Wine, and One AM Radio with the express intent of hacking through my heartstrings. damn, so good.

things are happening. change is happening.

can't linger forever, y'know darling?

hopefully seeing mid sock soon and i cannot fucking wait.

has anyone seen those commercials for zaxby's strawberry cheesecake milkshake? IT LOOKED SO GOOD. someone go with me, ok? or yet, bring it to my doorstep. yes...yes...perfect. i have a new resolution to gain 10 pounds by the end of the year, and i think it will be easier with these milkshakes. help a brother out.  facilitate this weight gain by bringing me fattening foods and allowing me to move as little as humanly possible.

or maybe, jennifer says, i should just drink beer?

there are worse ways to do it.

relief

i've pretty much forgotten what some things feel like

thank fucking god.

some strange part of me thought i would never get over.

but all you need is time

the protocol

i miss you, and all that good stuff, but i'd rather be alone ten times over than together when you don't mean it.


jet lag is a bitch

BUT

it's not like we slept in spain anyway

banana cream pie

banana cream pie

whisk together in a heatproof bowl:
1/2 c. sugar
2 T. flour
1 T. + 1 t. cornstarch
1/2 t. salt
2 eggs

boil 1 c. milk

pour hot milk into egg mixture, whisking continuously.

return milk + egg mixture to stove and stir until it thickens and boils in the middle.
remove from heat and add 6 T. butter, 1/2 t. vanilla.

slice 2 bananas into a blind-baked crust pastry or cookie crust. pour pastry cream over top. chill.

how i got over

dude, what the hell is wrong with you?

stop drinking excessively. stop self medicating. stop being who you're not. so you're not one of the cool kids, and maybe you like quieter evenings. that's your prerogative. if you wanna see what the other scenes are like, go for it too.

be happy. be patient. be strong, because you are a diamond being. you don't need bitterness towards life, and women, and people who sleep well at night. you don't need a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

you'd be surprised how little you need.

so it's a... calm the fuck down, thing, innit

you're fine. we'll be fine.


tl;dr people be saying and doing stupid shit on facebook and it's stupid

epicuriangastronomy

UGHHHH i'm so malnourished. imagine how skinny i was last semester, and then times that by two. once i get better i am going to eat SO MUCH it's gonna be nutttttssssssss

SO MUCH FOOD
ALL THE FOOD


ALL THE FOODS

roots

still


recovering


f r o  m


barc elon  a


but i'm home. 

an open letter part deux

I`LL TALK TO YOU WHEN I`M OVER YOU, OK. DON'T RUSH ME. I'M ALMOST THERE. BE PATIENT AND GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE TIME.

in other news, annecy is beautiful and sketchy. but boy, do they make em good there.

things universal in europe:

• graffiti
• pda
• attractive people
• getting hit on excessively
• trains?
• backpackers
• beauty
• confusion
• bread

incroyable

OHHHHHH MAN.

my freckles are back and i miss y'all and i learned i have a southern drawl when i'm sleepy and have to talk and let's face it. we're in europe. we're homesick, but it's also kind of mind blowingly awesome. heading to lyon tomorrow~

on leaving italy

never have i been happier to not have any attention from guys. my god, italy was one long "do you have a boyfriend?" after another. catcalls, passing remarks, 'what are you doing later tonight?'s. THOUGH! i did get hit on by a very cute vendor who sold me a leather purse. he even kissed me on the cheek! though, it would be totally creepy if he weren't cute, wouldn't it. ahhhhhh oh well whatever.

we're in switzerland now. things very expensive. beginnings of malnourishment. but it is jaw droppingly beautiful. definitely one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen....