but i would be okay living quietly with you, and having it take years and years.

必然

so word on the street is, K and his girlfriend broke up. yeah, nobody saw that one coming, what with his moving to a different state for a girl he'd started long distance dating for less than 6 months.

some people just don't have any sense. and it's not like a girl from new york is going to humor him just because he's in love with her.

better luck next time, i suppose.

i really have to ask though--

what did you really think was going to happen by asking someone to fill an emotional gap that you never learned to fill yourself?

residual bitterness, ok, maybe a little. i'm working on it.

oh my god

who the hell would ever want to do this relationship shit?

3 days in and all i can think about is how much free time i had and how much accountability i had to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE but myself

too bad i kinda like this one.

well shit.

me:  yeah well

 Linda:  ?

 me:  i'm kinda waiting for the ball to drop

 Linda:  what you mean?

 me:  there's gotta be something wrong with this guy

 Linda:  lol

so paranoid

 me:  there's no wa y ok

he's super well read

and exercises

and is nice and makes jokes with his dad

and gets my stats nerd outs

 Linda:  ppl like that exist okay

 me:  I DONT BEVLIEVE IT

 Linda:  lol

and you may have snagged one of the few

rejoice

okay gn

tired

 Sent at 10:51 PM on Monday

 me:  still dont believ it

pickup truck

i wanna be the type of person that hangs out with you when i'm happy and free. not when i need a shoulder or an ear, or when i'm running away from someone (myself or otherwise). everyone uses people, it's true. we as humans like to be needed, or useful. but sometimes, when things are good, we just wanna share that goodness.

friends are tools, but not just that.

Just sayin

Can we skip all this uncertainty and just get to the part where I wife this dude?

weird tuesday musings

sometimes you do have to apologize. don't, if you don't regret it. but just because you don't regret it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong, and it doesn't mean an apology isn't owed at some point.

know what i mean?

in other news, i've been wondering if i'm cut out for asserting dominance in relationships. i can't ever do that thing where if i see a boy talking to another girl, i go and pee over everything. i still remember annie walking up in front of me and kissing elliot about two feet in front of my face. that's how to do it in the animal kingdom, right? otherwise ~interests get formed~ and ~danger happens~. maybe i'm just too lazy, or naive? on the one hand, trust is necessary. on the other, shit happens. maybe i place too much stock in the other person. but shouldn't we? isn't that what love means? isn't that the point of all this?

steady on

everything's all "i have no time and i'm working on projects" until you meet a guy you might potentially like.

then it's all, "i have no time and i'm working on projects"
but now you can't think straight and want to shirk all your responsibilities and just go play on playgrounds and eat things with them.

but i am going to follow through, distractions or not.

boys come and go. you stay with yourself considerably longer.

switches

when i talk to mike, i become witty. sardonic, and sharp, and i wish i could be like that clever with everyone, but i suppose i'll just have to accept that it's something he brings out in me because he is always the unattainable.

green

I wish i could say that i'm not jealous, but i am, and i really wish i knew how to clear the gross gunk out of my heart. because according to the great louis ck, the only reason you should be looking into your neighbor's bowl is to see if they have enough. not to see if you have as much as them.

and it's kind of a paradox too, innit? hang out with amazing people and they're always making cool shit happen and being better than you and making you feel inadequate. or getting engaged or some shit like that. but hang out with not amazing people and nobody's pushing you, and frankly it's kind of shallow and brain numbing. sometimes even toxic.

i must define my happiness by my own self.

i must also get a fucking move on.

still waters

realizing: all the people you care about and the people you admire that drive you to new heights-- they're in california. new york. chicago. boston. they're not here. very little is here.

all your friends are a patchwork because you flit, because life is too short not to meet new people, to be comfortable and stagnant. but then that means you don't integrate or solidify your ties, you don't settle in, and the people who are meaningful to you aren't meaningful to each other. dinner with friends separates into pockets of conversation. people give you weird looks when you show up. you miss the woodruff study lounge with sang and minhee. under the couch with the midnight society. you enjoy the nights, but with one or two other people. you miss when you were able to sit down at a big table and talk about something meaningful and real.

i just don't get it, you know. and i need to figure it out. it all feels so superficial. so... dependent.
so convenient.

i want a mike.
(not mike, god no, but a mike.)
i'm tired of meantime people.

#@

in the world of social media: either do something original, or beautiful, or both. otherwise, nobody gives a shit. we're not furthering the lives of anyone with the 15th picture of your baby in that exact same pose.

you're on a stage, honey. it's not about you anymore-- it's about what you're offering to the sharks.

condolences

your friends can be friends with your ex.

and they would like you to understand that it's nothing personal.
in the same way that your relationship with him could never be the same as their relationship with him,
your relationship with him is not the same as their relationship with him.

but you still think less of them for it.

i know that.

as the friend, as the ex, yknow, i've played every role. i'm playing every role.

i know that.

behind it all is the barely bitten back 'but can't you see how much of a complete asshole he is?' and how can you be friends with someone who did that to me--how can we still be close when you are friends with someone like that. you might as well be friends with a puppy kicker. a candy stealer. a heart breaker. 

i know that.

i wish you were sorry. i know i am.

praying

i was on reddit just now and some dude posted an album of these baby praying mantises hatching.
it made me think of this one time, back in grad school, i walked outside of the lab only to look down and find a 3 inch mantis with one leg stuck to a stray cobweb on the floor. i wanna say it was the first time i'd ever seen one in real life. i felt moved to pity, and repulsed at the same time, and every time i got closer to freeing it, it would move a certain way and i'd recoil. i still remember my stick being inches away from the web and at the very last moment, i noped the hell outta there.

i still regret sometimes not having freed it.

among other things, i think a large part of life consists of those moments where you struggle with yourself internally, and the grit your teeth and make a decision.

molting

i HATE when people ask me, how's the website going, how's the job search going, how're the projects going.

because it forces me to confront those things, and think about them, and pressures me to continue.

so please don't stop.

i'm growing, and these are growing pains, and it is all worth it. it's always worth it.

yesterday

sang leaves atlanta next tuesday.

i'll fucking cry over every goodbye i want to and if you have a problem with that you can go straight to hell

because you knew me when i was a younger me

if the person you are with is not

teaching you anything
making you a better person
making you more of a person
doing something you admire
being someone you admire

then you are not with the right person.

i know you wanted someone to accept you as you were. i understand the comfort in that.
but we're not here to comfort each other. we're here, on this earth, because we have an eye blink before we're gone, and we're meant to poke and prod each other into something more. something greater. something more beautiful. we cannot ever be stagnant, we cannot ever stop learning, and we cannot ever stop searching for someone to inspire us to start.

got invited to a party today where the only person i'd have known was the person i came with.

fuck.

you're my ticket out, will.

i just wish i didn't have to worry about things not being platonic. between you and myles, i think my life could be radically different.

qu'est-ce qu'il faut faire?

edit: FUCK IT, I'M GOING, #YOLO9

i know, okay, i know it's normal to see pictures on facebook of her new boyfriend. of his new girlfriend. new relationships, people still friends, yada yada yada. tagged photos of old loves.

it still seems heartless.

the cone of shame

dudes that have a cologne that smells amazing and lingers: i hate you.

because there just isn't a non-creepy way to tell you that. or ask you what you're wearing.

or surprise cuddle you and never let go.

v___v;;

man, i feel so bad for any ex girlfriend of annie's now-boyfriend. i really dunno how you'd handle such complete and utter upgrade devastation. like it's not even fair

edit: WAIT i meant annie b. the girl that just got a boyfriend today and is probably the prettiest one i know. i only realized ex post facto that kevin's gf has the same name, lmao oh geez. how dumb would that have been: "I SURE FEEL BAD FOR KEVIN'S EX GIRLFRIEND" /shakes head

tell em all to go to hell

i'm doing this thing where i try to be less critical and back talky.

i have SO MUCH to complain about. and so much to be critical about. people to complain about, circumstances to get mad over.

but i'm presented with this opportunity right now and every moment henceforth to not do a single fucking thing about that, and well.

let's give that a try.

it's so haaaaaaaaard :( etc etc etcrawrawrawrawrawrawrwrwrawrawr

i met a guy randomly at party in the park today.
i really should have chased after him when he left and just said, 'hey do you wanna get coffee sometime?'
instead i let fear and social norms and shyness dictate what i should and should not do, and i spent the rest of the night regretting it.

who knows, maybe it could've been really cool.
i dont want to live with any more regrets like that.

next time i'm doing it.

...
UGH, WHY, I AM SUCH AN IDIOT

me:  exciting!

there's an app idea some dude mentioned to me the other day

that you should try developing on android

something about a caldenar

lol misspellings~

 Chris:  :) i won't judge you too harshly

 me:  to*

 Chris:  Now I'm judging.

 me:  judgeing*

 Chris:  it's amazing how fast someone can become unattractive

 me:  amazeing*

 Chris:  stahp :|

lol.

 me:  stop*

 Chris:  v_v

 me:  i'm a terrible person.

 Chris:  yeah, it's true

in any case

but i do have a few things to say on the matter.

1. if it weren't for the way elliot treated annie, i would be taking this a lot harder. which is to say, he left lpei and treated her like shit, and then found someone else he liked better and treated her like gold. and if i hadn't been eased into that by him, if i hadn't gotten gradually used to the fact that that sort of thing will happen, honestly i dont know how much worse it would be to see that kevin actually takes pictures with this new girl and puts them as his profile picture. how much harder it would be to accept that he might actually treat her well.

2. the mike thing was terrible. it was terrible. he broke my heart and then i left for the summer and he found someone new and brought her to utc and all his friends were my friends and it was terrible. but i resolutely didn't unfriend him because i knew, i knew one day that i wanted someone like him in my life. he is irreplaceable. watching him perform on stage singing the isley brothers wearing blue shades, hair in disarray, he just. felt life so deeply, and there's no one else like him. i can't cut him out of my life completely, even if i want to, because he's gold. he's fucking psychedelic and it's painfully wonderful. 

what

about kevin

is worth keeping ex post facto?

and i wanna tell someone. i wanna gchat elysia or anyone really and proudly proclaim, i did all these things. and i felt nothing (much). he's gone now. and then i realize, after the initial desire, i just don't even feel like bringing it up. the thought of having a conversation about it tires me out, and i think that's when you realize you really getting over it. 

unfriended, blocked, and it feels so good.

is this the point where you realize you don't have very many meaningful friends (in large part a self sabotaging thing) in the sense of, default, comfortable, don't want to hook up with you, meaningful friends, and then you decide to join the baseball team, or the book club, and then suddenly find a bunch of people with shared interests who inspire you and shit?

isn't that how it works most of the time and in the movies?

i don't know. but something does have to change, i think.

the singular obsession with "finding someone" is starting to get to me. 

do you think meeting a woman (or man) is going to magically make you get your shit together?

GET A JOB. HIT THE GYM. FIGURE OUT WHAT THE HELL YOU WANNA DO WITH YOUR LIFE OR CALL UP YOUR OLD BUDDY FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

jesus christ. if you even met the girl of your dreams, would you be someone worthy of her?

#nofilter

i have a really fancy shmancy camera now. but there's nothing quite like that feeling when i first got my holga, unrolling the film and taking pictures. seeing it develop with that grain and that muted feeling of summer that no amount of photoshop or filters or what the fuck ever could reproduce.

even though film is dying, like vinyl is dying, i'll tell you why it held on for as long as it did:

because it made photography an experience. you captured moments that were precious because you had 12 shots and that was it, and you never knew what you were going to get. for me, it captured summer and that one specific time in my life, and it was wonderful.

and it might even be a reach, but that low-fi, fuzzy quality? it feels like it should.
like, do you remember shady afternoons with the screen door open, quietly slurping watermelon from a tupperware bowl on the counter? it's peaceful and muted around you, and somehow, somehow, that's what you get from that dark space in a film photo. that softness.

fuck instagram and everything it stands for. life is not supposed to be skeumorphic.

back, back in the day

when the full force of their love hits you, it washes you under like an unexpected wave, bright and salty. cold. glittering.

until they kick us out

fuck, that beat is so hot.

they go right through you

but i am truly sorry that someone burned and salted the earth of your heart so thoroughly.

one day we'll float like feathers, and i'll find you again.

we can roll around our past in our mouth thoughtfully, like an acquired taste.

that's all the past is, anyway.

the big apple

i dont think of you very much at all these days, but julian's in new york and all i could think of was how when i was there, i'd send you texts and emails and pictures of things and, at the risk of sounding like adele, try to make you feel my love. that is, btw, her only good song. and it is phenomenal. but i digress--

that was the beginning of the end, because i knew that all my messages henceforth would be outgoing.

and when you were there in new york a few months prior, you left me a voicemail. and your tone wasn't boisterous, or obnoxious, but genuine and somewhat affectionate as you told me about your day and asked me to call you.

but, good thing i deleted it, you lying sack of gorilla poo.

gaer;asdhslkd;ajd

everything is terrible right now. ant bites ==>swollen fingers, friction burn on achilles heel, cuts in random places. vague soreness in shoulders. HAIR WONT STOP DRIPPING WATER, OH MY GOD what the fucking fuck, why does long hair exist, i freaking swear --

deeeep breath. these things are all deeply annoying, but they dont feel significant enough to warrant outright telling someone about them. friction burn is seriously the worst.but then i thought about ant bites on friction burns, WINCE, and yeah things can definitely be worse.

warrior dash was yesterday! it went about as expected. my cardio seriously sucks balls, i need to get it together. i really wanna do it next year and actually try it to some degree of non-half-assery. training begins....as soon as i buy new running shoes.

i thought to myself,
when are you going to stop sabotaging yourself?
and then i didn't click on his changed profile picture to get a better look at the girl in the photo.
and my life was better for it.
and then i went to go work out,
but seriously,
i'm feeling a tiny bit triumphant!!

peas and beanie

i was loading pictures into dropbox and i found a folder called 3.27.12 full of pictures of emily and me.

a year ago, almost to the day, i think we were somewhat of best friends.

maybe i should go get her back?

is it even worth it? things are all decimated.

but....

Vici

Lessons learned from last night:
Date an engineer intellectually
But take a lover who's an artist.

See through was fucking insane. I could explain it but there's really no way that I could do it justice. It has to be experienced, because people who make art are freaking weird and amazing and their brains work in such a different way. Everyone I talked to last night said they read the event page and had no idea what it was all about. I went and still have no idea what to say about it. It was so overwhelming and intense and chaotic and shit, artists are just so. Fucking. Out there.

They kiss like they're conquering something.
And they touch you like it too.

tempus fugit (3)

somehow, working in medical software had convinced me that in hospice care, since patient documentation and billing and care plans were taken down every 90 days, people admitted had that long before passing.

it's really not the case at all.

sometimes it's weeks. most of the time, it's days.

so i really didn't mean to tie this into anything; it was just a passing observation. but, when i do think about it, it's fitting right, that even in life-- the time you allot does not always equal the time you have.

Cusps

as this fresh smelling, beautiful breeze rolled in through my window, i thought, man i'm gonna miss having someone around during the spring and summer, even more than i did in the fall and winter. then i thought about how great it would've been to have someone around in the fall and winter.

and then i thought about how beautiful and remarkable life and seasons are.

it's...rather astounding, and i wish i could have a million of these quiet, wonderful moments of appreciation.

despite our perceived problems, i really do love life, and all it has to offer. and it offers open windows!

IN OTHER NEWS I'M GETTIN MY ASS BACK TO CHURCH

hindsight

it's cruel, but you can't expect people to stop living their lives.

it wasn't like he was a very nice person to begin with, either.

he used to say he was a nice guy on the outside, but actually an asshole, and deep down under all that, still somewhat good.

the knowledge now is that he's an asshole wrapped around a layer of asshole with an asshole coating.

who'd have thunk?

voler

i haven't defriended you because one day, when i'm happy with someone else again, i do want to be friends again. do you think that's impossible?

people think about this all the time, but-- the fragility of human bonds is truly astounding. that you can be so intimately close with someone half a year, a year, 2 years ago, and be complete strangers now--

how very--

very--

refractive.

in other news, i know you like someone else now. and i seem to be the only one of a bajillion exes that seems to be bothered by or even care about their old love moving on. am i just doing it wrong? qui sait..

(vice)versa

guys always talk about how the sex is good/the only redeeming factor with crazy girls, as if it isn't the exact same case with dysfunctional boys.

hint: it is

(i dont know why i'm upset you deleted that picture of us in decatur from your profile picture album. i was the one that deleted the totoro photo from my album first.)

i really need to not talk about boys as much on this blog.

but..everything else is acceptable to talk to people about. these are the secret things.

baby blue

dan probably thinks i'm easy because i'd have hooked up with him the second time i saw him in person. he single handedly got me to act like one of those girls that just meets someone and takes them home from the bar/party/anywhere. unbelievable.

if he only knew that literally everyone has tried within the course the past 5 years, and the closest anyone ever really got was a freaking model.

i hope he asks around about me. but there's a party in 2 weeks, and we're both getting sick of dancing around each other.

who's that lady?

at the end of the day, i still want someone like mike.

passionate, and full of life, and so so colorful. he would laugh with his whole body, shaking and folding in on himself. when i was with him i felt jittery and inadequate and blessed. how strange, right?

i remember watching him sing that isley brothers song on stage at the show with those ridiculous sunglasses on, and thinking he was the most goddamn beautiful thing i'd ever seen.

ahh, nostalgia. but yknow, everyone's got that person that they're always going to be a little bit in love with.
but you know. back to our regularly scheduled programming.

the new order

sometimes i ponder about the genealogy of our past loves.
like if they were to take on a physical representation. if each heartbreak was a scar, if each crush was a faint blushing mark, if each love was a deep and permanent wine colored bruise.

i think it would say a lot about the relationship you had with them.

but it would probably say a lot more about you.

feeling

only when i see someone in the throes of heartbreak do i realize i am no longer there.

it does, however, make me want to feed F cookies and read him poetry.

sometimes i think in a different life, we could have been best friends.

invective

i should've known.

back when that picture of him and mia surfaced and i felt numb and didn't think about him for a week after, i should've known.

all it takes to get over him is the knowledge that he's over me.

and the knowledge that he is going to start the cycle all over again--

oh, how dull. the way he approaches all his romantic entanglements is so very dull and predictable. i could write out the story of it before it even begins, because you can't be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself, and i don't think i've ever met someone quite so unhappy.

whether they stay together or whether they fall apart eventually, wherever you go, there you are. and yes, that is indeed a very large dose of bitterness and a very decent sized dose of contempt.

but that's what you get for trying to cover up a gangrenous limb with band aids.

have fun! see you in a couple months to a year or so.

year of the dragon

you might think i'm overly superstitious. i tell people around me not to point at the moon, i sleep with the red envelopes under my bed, and always check the lunar calendar before making a big decision like taking a job, going on a trip, and eventually buying a car or house.

but i was in a rut last year, and i still am, except i finally have a direction now. i'm starting from scratch while everyone's miles ahead, but i know what i want to do with my life, and all that really means is that i'll never not have something to learn. also it' s going to take a couple years to come into fruition. but i'm going to start now and i think it's going to be really, really good.

tl;dr i know what i want to do with my life.

and i know how i'm going to get there.

so i'm not saying year of the dragon was 100% bad luck or anything. but it's not my year of bad luck anymore, and i think i can do this.

catharsis

so this is dumb to rehash, but you know, whatever.

i'm sorry, but i remember the first meal i ever cooked for you. and the last. and, actually all those in between. painstakingly deveining the shrimp, pan frying the eggs. hehe, the first time i made curry for you, i fucked it up (you took it in stride). i hate cooking for myself these days. it's not bad, i just don't put as much thought or love into it. oh well. one day i'll cook for someone again and i suppose the cycle will repeat. i just miss you, probably. you always wished i'd be more vocal about wanting you to stay over, instead of "sure, you can if you want." but expressed that in every lunch i packed for you.

i have a hard time getting over a lot of guys, for different reasons. with you, no matter how obnoxious you'd get, or all your freaking issues, it's because i would marvel at the fact that we were together.

the first time i met you, i was immediately infatuated for weeks. you were in my chemistry class during 2nd year, and for some reason i thought you were the cutest boy i'd ever seen. no idea who you were. (dark blue shirt, by the way. 7 rows down. you don't remember. i know that's kind of creepy but i'm not lying when i say i remember everything.) all i did was sit sort of close to the front and hope that you'd at least notice me a little. i remember being introduced to you a short while later, and it was the first and last time i'd talk to you for a few years.

when i ran into you again, i was completely drunk from pregaming and you were sitting with thomas across from us at rocky mountain. and i was interested in james, the dude sitting next to me i'd also just met (he was wearing a blue xkcd sweater. you were wearing a black tie.) and i didn't like you then; 6 more months would pass before i'd even start feeling the seeds of any sort of feeling.

but i remembered you.

and ours is not some epic notebook love story or some asian drama bullshit like that. maybe this sort of thing is actually incredibly common. but when we were together, i'd think about how i'd steal glances at you when i was 19. how i'd started to care for you out of literally nothing. how i'd picked you out of a crowd of 100 on a random day, and kissed you years later.

this tiny part of me always kind of thought we'd end up together.
and a part of me will always think it would have been nice to.

maybe not nice. maybe... natural. way back last year in january i wrote here that i didn't have any feelings for you at all. and yet i kept writing because it felt like drawing to a conclusion, like a shaky foal learning how to stand.

so i wish our conclusion had been different, that's all.

autoimmune

when i read about your unhappiness, i become unhappy too. not because i feel bad for you, or because i want to fix you, but because your malcontent genuinely infects my heart like an insidious malady.

but i can't stay away.

because i still care for you. and it's still killing me.

i'm so sorry.









god, this shit's angsty as fuck

vulnerability

there's quite a bit riding on tomorrow. but if grad school's exposed me to anything, it's the idea of putting all your last hopes into a variable factor and then having them summarily dashed.

so if tomorrow pulls through, great. if not, it's nothing i haven't seen before.

but i'm still gonna hope. because we must.

oh i guess relationships too, i was still putting hope in that one til it flickered out.

but we must.

on star provisions

i dont think it's possible want to love star provisions more than i do. despite that my chocolate croissant was a little crispy today, and the people sitting next to me make me feel rat race-y with their Senior Consultant jobs and Expensed Bacchanalia Dinners and Working At Scoutmob, i love the rows and rows of mexican wedding cookies and chocolate crinkles. the tray of brightly colored cupcakes, and fridge full of lemon meringue tarts and valrhona chocolate cakes. the ham and gruyere croissants, and house made sausage, and the wall in the back of crispy baguettes and olive bread, this beautiful brown golden color just like in paris.

i love the guy who recognizes me already, and who saves a chocolate croissant for the girl who comes in every saturday, and all the regulars, and the friendly cute guy who comes in after 12.

you get your breakfast pastry, and just sit there daydreaming for a bit, taking in the ambience. the tiny birdcages with gold birds inside the size of your thumb. the rows of premium steak lined up, next to the charcuterie and stack after stack of beautifully formed pate. the old people who get it, who get that if you can afford the bougie schtick we're in, then life is about the subtle enhancement of the everyday quality of life. the 4pm lemon cookie. the buttery croissant. the wooden spinning top the size of a quarter.

and then you realize there is no need to buy your meat at publix and freeze it. you can buy a fresh cut here, and drive two minutes to your house. there is no excuse to forgo the wine/bread/fruit/pate picnic when the weather warms up, because these are the things that make your life subtly better.

sure, new job. bigger car. nicer house. date up. do the big things.

but do the small things too, and love every second of the art of becoming familiar.

i'm not happy when other people are happy, and i'm not happy when others are sad.

i don't particularly feel like examining this, but either way, aint nobody got time til they got a new job.

drinking the kool aid

one of those days where you're just drained, and you don't know who to talk to or what to say to them or what to do in order to fix it.

it's these times i miss you the most.

not because i think you would've solved anything. but because maybe what i want is a hand to hold and the crook of someone's neck to settle into.

reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaach reach inside for the numb

futility vs. resistance

it's stupid to say, i would have worked the hardest to make you happy.

if that's how it worked, i'd be with andrew already now.

that being said, it is 99% of what matters.

ugh, idk what i'm talking about. spent most of today being wired off one cup of extremely good coffee.

but we press onwards.

masochism

i will be the first to say that for some reason this weekend, things have been a little more vulnerable than usual. that weird ache when i think about kevin dating someone returned, but hopefully it'll go away soon. it's like, a really dumb twinge though.

it's become really easy, you know. to say to people, 'you'll get over it soon. it'll just be numb, and you eventually stop thinking of them.' because i was there. to an extent, i still am.
but i remember those attacks of nostalgia in between the days of slow recovery. how awful it was, heartsick and frozen with fear.

elysia's feeling particularly vicious today. and because i'm feeling vicious towards myself, this is probably the day i'll ask her how he's doing.

i couldn't ask her on a day she'd even think about sugar coating it.

why do you care?

btw i can guarantee you that i'm not going to remember that post i just made. because i already dont remember what the fuck i wrote in it. just...just puttin that out there.

Old stomping grounds

Sometimes I ponder about the fact that after everything, I still couldn't call you my boyfriend.
But also I'm cold and pleasantly drunk and I went to cafe nineteen and was served by the waitress you thought was so hot, and I remember all my reservations and why I never would have wanted a boyfriend to disrespect me like that. So maybe it's sad on two counts. Pyrrhic victories all around. Tha k god for autocorrect

metamorphose (v.)

by the way, dear, i'm not sure if you noticed, but you were on the cusp of something very new right when we broke up.

it was in your considering eyes when i mentioned an art show.
it was in the gym shorts newly rested on your sofa.
it was in the way you asked to cook together.

it really is a shame.

you were a god in the chrysalis.

mnemosyne

yknow, i did have some great times with kevin, though. i haven't laughed that bone crushing, gasping for air kind of laugh since we broke up. even though i don't feel much now, i can see why i felt there was so much of him to make my peace with.

and at the end of the day when he's done being the fake him that he thinks will impress people, i hope his thoughts drift to me once in a while and in those moments, that he thinks of me fondly.

viices

crush on D waning, just like i was pretty sure it would.
interesting new side development: starting to be okay with casual dating.
as long as i'm single, and as long as i'm here...
well... might as well enjoy it~

the paradox of wanting to tell people you don't care anymore, but by doing so you prove yourself wrong.
so far i think i'm doing okay

Perils of being a techie

Context: received a fb notification that K invited me to a gt alumni happy hour. The first thought to enter my mind: "I wonder if Kevin wrote a script to send invites to all the Asians on his flist, because why the hell would he invite me to an event he is going to be at." ...the hell? Automation is the only possibility I can think of atm. My thought process can't be normal.

BREAK IN CASE OF INFATUATION

i'm full, thanks

i wish i could get past the frozen in place, can't eat, uncomfortable nervousness of the crush.
to the part of me that could maybe be just a little bit charming.
so that i could win over that part of you that's just a little bit charming

it seems so easy for everyone else

the no bullshit version: daniel will probably be the jin equivalent from way back when.

you could do worse though, sweetie.

あのさ ... sometimes mike still crosses my mind. and even though it sucked, god, am i grateful that he happened.

it goes to show, it's like that dude said: better even the swiftly fading moment of blah blah blah than the epoch long unconsciousness of the stone. or something.

nothing hurts forever, and that right there; that's some wonderful news

ever wonder if i will ever like someone as much as i liked him? anyway.

god, i want you out of my life so fucking bad.

ohhhh that dirty bastard, he figured out how to fire his shots so they hit, and of course it would be through music.

orion

i am okay with this mild and harmless crush i have on you being the most poorly kept secret in the world.

maybe then you'd know that if you ever wanted to, you could do something about it.

you know. not that it's the right time,

but if the stars ever aligned.

day after snowboards

everything hurts so bad but

• everyone else boarded way harder than me
• my friend is currently dealing with road burn
• soreness always goes away

so i'm just going to sit here and feebly mew on my blog 

olympic airwaves

it doesn't hurt anymore.
i dont visit your facebook or feel the need to talk about you to other people online.
it's like, when you moved on, suddenly i realized that i did too.

soon, i won't even mention your name. not anywhere, not even here. that's how i'll really know that it stuck.

and then after that, you won't even cross my mind.

defriending kcho was the best decision i ever made. if your name follows, i daresay it won't be skin off either of our backs.

!

god, i can't explain it, but i feel so fucking fine today.

it doesn't hurt anymore, and i don't know if it's a one day thing and i'll relapse, or if it's the start of something better, but oh my god, i'm okay, holy shit, i've been waiting forever for you. even if it goes away, i know without a doubt that this, this is the first time i've been default better. and it feels amazing.

i'm doing great!!!!!!!!

:D