:0 :0 :0

visual cussing?!?!

oh come on!!

ETA: my care face, let me show you it --->  :| 

doesn't matter what i do (i don't take it out on you)

so today i realized perhaps the work i'm doing is actually maybe important, by which i mean oh crap. because first the senior database engineer stopped by to ask me about it. i heard you were working on it, he said. yeah, i said. then my supervisor came and asked. passed straight by my coworker (which never happens because she's kind of the first thing people see; charismatic etc etc) too. and then when my supervisor's boss came and asked about it, i kind of stopped and was like ok what the heck azz is going on here. 

i remember, yknow, when i used to shy away from responsibility last semester. i saw an opening for an internship and didn't even apply when i read 'weekly project reports expected'; that's how intimidating it was. and then all of a sudden you're being pushed into something that actually requires thinking and you realize you can do it because you have to. it's a strange feeling, having the things you do affect other people. as opposed to just studying for a test or something. idk. 

eta: NOT CUSSING IS HARD. =_=

dinner was fun! we went to this italian place called avanti's, and i got to spend more time with the group. zack and cute diesel guy didn't come though, since they both went home to missouri this weekend. 

oh! so i said i'd post a picture of those ridiculous windshield glasses:

are they not kind of awesome? :D

i actually have this internship to thank for me getting over my crippling insecurity of not having hair in my eyes 24/7. no joke. who knows what'll happen next; by the end of this semester i may be looking at people when i talk to them or not staring at the ground. stranger things have happened, like duck billed platypuses. 

this is me attempting to wave at atl people, who i miss a lot. a lot a lot.

and in conclusion,

third time in a doorway with the lights all on around us

jeebus. work sucks when they start elevating you from the grunt work to the REAL work. because while grunt work is boring, at least you're not like. ho crap how am i gonna program this to actually create a database. and WTF is that crazy smart gear analyst even talking about? i can't do that to a database! and he probably thinks i know what i'm doing because i keep nodding and smiling! stop nodding! stop it! ahhh!! 

i took a tour of building SS today, where all the tractors actually get assembled. it is hands down the coolest thing i have ever seen. .. this year. the d11 carrydozer? the lowest part of the track (you know, how it kinda looks like a triangle) is TALLER THAN ME. that thing musta been like 30 feet. 

and you know what else? today my supervisor made a short joke. i kid you not. 

• brandon: yeah those things are really crazy because you have no idea how big they are until you stand right next to them.
• me: it's true! it was so cool! i was shorter than the undercarriage! and didnt even come close to the final drive!
• brandon: well, you're probably shorter than the wheels on the d6's, actually.
• brandon:
• brandon:
• brandon: you know, you're probably shorter than the wheels on the forklifts.
• me: aklsdjfahklsdhfaliufahlksdjahkfljlhfahusdilfas

but yeah. looking at these super complicated engines and like. the transmission and these huge freaking tractors, it was just the coolest thing. also i was like WOW Diesel Mechanic Guy works with these. [looks at complicated contraption]. dang, he just got like 10 times hotter. not going bowling today, though...sigh. i figure every other week is probably a good idea. sucks. curse my weakness for tall, snarky blondes! >:O 

in the same vein, i probably should not have cooked that rib eye steak in butter. man, if i don't come back 40 pounds heavier, the world is going to exact its karmic revenge some other way.

argh, going to bed. seriously, what i wouldn't give to be on the beach with a corona and lime. 

Let's meet up in 25 years, then we'll see what's going on

it's a little disorienting when i stumble on an acquaintance's fb page to find that they've grown up to be completely gorgeous. i kind of stared at her picture like. confused, a la she's an actual person and we know each other, and she's normal, yet really... really beautiful. i don't...understand this.

i'm giving up cussing for lent. even though i'm not catholic. but i intend to do it, because 40 days of fasting is hardcore. ok that's not the real reason, but whatever. 

o, mg, C++ is the WORST THING EVER. also, my dad is so cool. ever have those moments where your dad is just your dad until you discover first hand that he's, like, brilliant at what he does? 

see this? this is gut check time. or it's the bunny slope, which i respect not. 

polar opposites don't push away

tru fax: ever since i was little, and we bought fresh baguette from the harry's farmer's market, i would take it home and dip it in coke. or sprite. it is SO GOOD. and today i bought some!!

last night i had a dream that. well actually a lot of things happened. i was in the room with a video game-refrigerator and i was at the SEKKRIT LEVEL when it turned into a fridge and i got all disappointed...then i opened the blinds to the window and outside were thousands of college kids and desks outside and chalkboards and it was all so....aesthetically pleasing. i mean, think brooklyn brick buildings with ledges and thousands upon thousands of desks and bowling lanes and flags and vending machines just perched outside, and in disarray. kind of like how howl's moving castle is like. A MESS and yet everything has its precise place and it's this big, beautiful, chaotic bitch of a masterpiece. it was kind of like that. 

fuckin' a. okay. okay okay okay FINE this summer will ALSO be dedicated to learning SQL. jerks.

man, today was rough, but still better than yesterday. i kinda just wanna get high, eat cookies, and listen to radiohead. is it friday yet?

(nah, i'm only kidding. i'd never listen to radiohead.)

argh why so late? :0

If I lay here; if I just lay here,

 

today sucked.

:/

boring filler post

i wonder what life is like for an art major. to have your home consist of an easel, and charcoal and countless types of acrylic and oil and paper. to have your textbook be a painting and your paper be a sketchbook. for your exams to be graded on subjective aesthetics, uncertain and intuitive. instead of on a curve, against an answer key. i wonder how it feels to walk into a giant classroom where there are no desks, only models. 

what would have happened if i had followed that dream?

 

in other news, when i get back, it'll be summertime! and i want to try tons of new things. i wanna go into h-mart and buy those tiny cute cans of coffee or those strange candies. or those 1L bottles of apple/aloe/milk tea or whatever. you know, those things that are intriguing but that you never really throw into your cart. we can buy them and head over to the bakery and buy a pastry or two. currypan! and go to the pool and that can be that. but then we'll get bored and someone will end up being pushed in.

i say this with all the love in my heart. 

hehhehhehehe. i mean....all the love.

 

ate lunch at 3 again today :( which means my schedule is all screwed up. 62 more days. 

in other other news, how do i get myself into these things????????????????? all i want is to go eat zaxby's. mmmmmm hot wings dipped in ranch. with texas toast. and fries. MMMMMMMM. and a cherry coke. 

everything gets better with a cherry coke. 

brush the hair from your eyes; for once

you don't want to miss this. 

snow  flakes,  bigger than you've ever seen in your

whole half-lidded life

soft and dying on your cheek. 

tempus fugit.

i bowled a 200. (divided by 5.)

i went bowling today!!! woke up like hmmm how do i get out of this and then realized i said i'd go, so. so yeah. and it ended up being really, really fun. besides the drama that i had no idea existed within that group, still really fun. but fucking fuck, i need to stop flirting with the cute diesel mechanic. possibly should not go bowling every thursday to avoid this? and of course a group outing can't go by without some form of sexual innuendo. aside from the 'ow, my finger got caught in the hole so the release was really awkward' ">_> that's what she said" "what'd you say?" "NOTHING"

• sean: dude, you took like two bites out of your burger.
• zack: lay off, she's chewing!
• brian: yeah, unlike some people. we all know sean just swallows.
• me: *chokes on burger*  omg. 

(thank goodness no one said anything about choking) 

also while bowling:

• brian: *bowls*
• karla: yeah, brian has the prettiest release out of all of us. you should ask him for tips.
• sean: yeah brian, you have such nice release. 
• brian:
• brian: 
• brian:...stfu. 

ahahaha

among other things i found out: 

• it really, really sucks to be the roommate of someone who is attractive. cuz then she gets a lot of attention and then you're like "..." yeah. my coworker gets that feeling a lot..but to be fair, at least she's out of all the drama that's going down.
• corollary: attractive people get attention. and also drama. ==bad. (it's a boolean!) 
• if someone objects to your being attractive in any way (i.e too blonde, too tall, too short, ew no), it still means they're objecting to someone who said you were.
• it's easier if some people are jerks because it makes it easier to like them less. unless they turn out to be actually really good guys, and then you're just fucked. 
• i am very, very small. and also bad at bowling. 

crap, it's really late. ok night

 

When you came I woke from many sleeps
One day I'll tell you what you did for me 

irredeemable

argh

i don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

my phone is doing that stupid thing where it won't ring when people call me. =/ which i suspect is because eggwhites seeped in the front. and the back. and the sides. and it wasn't my fault, in the sense that it was totally my fault. how was i supposed to know the egg would break in that bag on my way to matt's to make a birthday cake???? eggs never break! (yeah...they always break)

dude my mom is shipping nian gao and tai yang bing to me. \o/

i finally downloaded 14:59 and i am kind of disappointed. :( on the flip side, i now haz a summer mix. it's pretty epic.

so apparently in germany, they have beer vending machines at work. if it ever runs out, someone has to go and buy beer or else everyone quits and goes home.

• heiko: that was bernd's job.
• bernd: *glares*

butyeah...they go home this thursday. the spindle cell's new mechanics will be heiko's colleague and bernd's boss. o_0 lol nice timing, we're running 80 parts next week. i'm really glad though, that they can go back. they've been here for a year, after all. i kinda wanna go to germany and drink a lot of beer..

in other news, i woke up today and savored the feeling.

quoting willa cather

i wish i had taken more pictures with my family.

this summer i want to grow a garden. i want to know what it's like to preserve something. 

maybe at the end of summer i can sit on my lawn with a glass of iced tea after the sun has nearly set and the world is a cool, muted blue. 

hey, don't you wanna be happy?

why is today the first day my chinese name didn't sound foreign on my lips? 

also lying is bad. i won't do it again. i feel horrible now, even if it was a small thing. sorry..

i finally got all my investments in order. now all that's left is the learning. so much information!

the things that grab your attention are usually bad for you. the things that you give your attention to are usually worthwhile.

i have so many plans when i get home.  

lesson no.48: if you don't trust someone, why do you expect them to trust you? 

lesson no.92: priority determines capacity

lesson no.33: direction determines destination

lesson no.82: no one ever believes the reasons you give, especially if the real reason is 'because i want it' and the covers are 'we moved in together for financial reasons' 'this 49k benz is a safe car' 'he's nice and could possibly change' and 'we bought a big house because we like to have ministry here'

lesson no.83: we eventually start to believe our own reasons, even if nobody else does. 

work stories

12 hour work days are rough. spindle cells still amazing. multibillion dollar spindle cells, apparently. they were talking about pictures and cameras. pictures and cameras are a no no, or else they take you out back and run you over with a finished track type tractor. ok that last part may have been an exaggeration.

the one thing i did get out of it was this pair of safety goggles. they TAKE UP HALF MY FACE. i'll have to post a picture of it some time. they're like those huge sunglasses that scemo kids wear, only less gay. (i kid.) they're actually just as gay, but they can stand uv and high velocity projectile. so. 

i met the deaf guy in our building today. it was nice to put a name to the strange noises i heard around the place. he's one of the nicest guys ever. it sounds cliche, but when i saw him communicating with one of the german emag spindle guys who only speaks rough english, i kind of gained a little more faith in humanity.

that being said, the fall out from last night happened to be that the lines stuck in my head all day? went something like "ohhhh your sex is on fire.....ALL THE SINGLE LADIES (all the single ladies!)" and then my left eye started twitching.  

the d11 spindles are FUCKING HUGE. at first you see the d6's and you're like O HAI, SPINDLE. and then they run the d11s and those things are spinning at like 3947237rpm and you just feel like its massive size can kill a guy with one blow, literally. and then you see d6's again on the second runoff and are all like o hai you adorable little thing. you are like 5x smaller. yeah that was random

the german emag guys are awesome. there's something so cool about people who can glean information from unintelligable papers. engineers, mechanics, architects, specialists. it's incredibly, incredibly impressive. hehehe the one whose operation i time is really funny. his name is heiko, and the other's is bernd. apparently they're common names. 

• me: *pokepoke* *points at RED SIGN on giant control screen*
• heiko: argh. 
• pm: *mildly concerned*
• heiko: ( determines datum a face and bottom is uneven after much work). bernd! you gave us scrapped parts! (bernd runs op 10, which comes before op20) 
• heiko: (hours later when we are filling in data) write "bernd fucked up the tool change."
• karla/me:
• karla/me:
• heiko: in the comment box right next to the operation time data. 
• karla/me:....we're not going to write that.
• heiko: but it's more interesting that way! 

then there's this other german dude who's like 65 years old and probably smarter than. really really smart people. he started talking to me about heiko..:

• other german guy: you have to yell at him because he doesn't listen to me. hit him! hit him in the head! with anything you find! 
• me: O_O
• other german guy: don't be afraid of his size. just. just right over the head. like so!*demonstrates with empty water bottle*
• me: 
• me:
• other german guy: here, have a peppermint candy. 

jeebus. german guys are awesome. 

and the drums, (ah ah ahh ah)

 

all it takes to make me happy these days is being able to wear skinny jeans and chucks. 

 

awesome.

also, secret service guys are way cool.

and today after dinner, we went to walmart for some grocery shopping. this cute little baby turned around at the granola bar section and was all like :D and i was like 3.84 for a box of granola?! *turns around* *stares at baby* 

• baby: :D
• baby: :D
• me: awwwwww *waves*
• baby's mom: marion, stop flirting with girls.
• baby: *coo* 

<3

ahgh! bed time.

stranded in a spooky town

k my coworker has been pissing me off ALL DAY with her attention stealing, one upping antics. fine. fine if you're threatened, maybe that means i'm doing my job. whatever.

but you don't DISCOVER THE EQUIVALENT OF WREK 91.1 AND THEN CHANGE IT FROM KINGS OF LEON TO BEYONCE. I DONT CARE IF SHE WANTS TO RALLY ALL THE SINGLE LADIES. 

-100000000000 cool points. 

sorry officer, is there a certain age you're supposed to be?

you'll never, ever guess who is coming to my building tomorrow. in my cafeteria. and i will be watching it on cnn as it happens because it is all exclusive and only 80 people get to see him. except for my supervisor, who got a "special invitation". half of me is like are you kidding me? and the other half is seriously not surprised at all. when i say he's a badass, i am totally not kidding. 

today was raincoat day! sometimes my mom splurges just to spite me. i guess she thinks these things are important, and knows i'll never buy them myself. which is why i have a really, really nice raincoat. moms always seem to know their kids best, which i know shouldn't be weird, but still is.

some things are dangerously easy to get used to (fuck that). 

amidst all the oblivious people i'm around, an occasional bit of awareness always takes me by surprise. it's strange to think maybe i can't assume the worst in people.

i'm gonna say this periodically throughout my stay here: german engineering is amazing. i was in the gear lab today and saw quite possibly the second most accurate measuring/probing device in the world. the world! spec limits within 3 micron. jeebus.

speaking of which, work sucked. ok cpk studies were cool. but then we finished and they were all HEY can you do this thing in the mainframe and i am all like what? you know, the things with the black screen and the neon green type? and if you type a wrong word or you press enter (you don't click things because using mouses (mouses? mice?) is bad. possibly the world implodes). i'll say it right now: that shit is ridiculous. props to every cs-adept person in the history of ever. while you are worthy of everyone's respect for being mainframe savvy, i suspect you all might be touched in the head because some guy out there had to design this. and i'd really love to know what he was thinking.

i got a pair of scissors at work and now i can't stop cutting things. o_o

btw, 'happy valentines day, charlie brown' is adorable. so adorable.

p.s lawl steph, it's from motion city soundtrack. though it does worry me that of the three, you picked the lipstick to be concerned about :P

lipstick, powders and pills

FAILFAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL

i like to make really good impressions. it shows people i'm mature. that i'm a leader, and that i can handle things with grace and dignity. observe: 

• project manager: *walks in*
• me: AHH. *spaz*
• pm: hey, can you blahblahblah?
• me: sure sure *looks down at keyboard*
• pm: *looks down also and stares at the open agenda, where various cartoon dinosaurs are drawn in*
• me: ...shit.

today:

• me: so...sleepy....*falls asleep*
• pm: *stops by*
• me: AHHH *jolts awake, bumping into pen and flinging it across the cubicle*
• crickets: [chirp]
• pm: how are you girls doing? not falling asleep, are we?
• me: O_O
• me: i am so mortified i do not think i can move. 
• me: HAHAHA BY THE WAY I LEFT THE DATA SHEETS ABOVE THE CMM REPORTS ON YOUR DESK O_O
• pm: okay, thanks. see you guys later.
• me: O_O
• me: O_O
• me: O_O

jeebus, work is like a frothy cup of fail with fail straws and fail whipped cream topped off with a giant cherry FAIL.

-________________- 

asjlkdafksdjaklfhilahfialhdfasdkjlankwkelajfha

shit, i do not know how to use ms access. 

also i have a feeling i will come back the girliest girl ever just for sheer overcompensation. seriously. seriously when i come back, no more of this steel toed shit. best shoe ever, but really. there is a line in the sand. 

klasjdhflkasdf SLEEP

WOW

Aren't there any girls out their who like good music? I need to and want to meet them. My favorite bands are Overkill River, The Nife, Songs:Ohio, and Nuetral Milk Hotel. Please let me know if your into indy music and like to go to show's and drink beer's and makeout.

hahahahahahahahahaha. you know what i'm into? comprehensible grammar and spelling. 

what a feeling in my soul

omg, i just went outside in a long sleeve shirt and jeans. and flip flops. 

1.no more snow! weird! really weird!

2. IT'S SO NICE OUTSIDE. it's all sunny and i didn't want to curl up into a fetal position upon leaving my apartment!! so wonderful. 

3. i haven't dressed like this in a month. it's always either business casual or imitation boy. 

4. the air smells so. good. 

5. FLIP FLOPS!

i need to stop cursing.

look! a mildly controversial topic!

gentlemen, gather round. protective cups are in the back.

so here's what i've gathered about boys, on a purely observational and possibly flawed scale. 

they all think one girl is better than the rest. most often it's a girlfriend. no, it is not true, they say. ha! it usually goes something along the lines of "sure, other girls may be like that. but not [insert girl's name]." or they hold her to a higher standard. i'm not talking about prettier, more intelligent, or what not. i'm talking a better person. i'm talking worth. and now let me tell you something.

that is the biggest piece of bullshit i have ever heard in my entire life. 

girls are all. the same. which is to say, if you like her, sure. the sun is gonna shine outta her ass. but someone else loves his girl, and so what makes yours so much better? your opinion? because that's all i can think of. and if that's the case, what makes your opinion better than the next guy's? 

and let me address that thing above. that whole sure other girls blah blah blah? no. i don't care who the fuck you are. if you're a girl--no matter how different any of us are--you understand other girls better than any boy, ever. maybe just a little bit more. maybe a lot more. it comes from being a girl-- which guys will never be, except in extreme cases that involve operating tables and possibly silicon. but i digress. if you're a boy, you will never know what it's like when a girl's heart is broken, or when she's pms'ing, or those times she's grumpy just because (you know what i'm talking about). not because you've never had a broken heart, but because you don't know what it's like to be a girl. it's the same reason all my attempts to understand and talk and write about boys in this entry will fall short. no one will ever know, and the only thing left is sympathy.

so when a girl makes a generalization about other girls, you don't assume yours is above that. because we know what it's like, from the crippling insecurity to the concealed but ever present vanity. 

we need a companion, not a fucking pedestal. (...if shune makes a short joke here, i'll eat his soul!!!) 

what i'm trying to say (and what you probably won't believe) is that your girl is not better. sorry. the value of one is the same as any other. the fact that you love her just makes her that much more beautiful in your eyes. and that's nothing to look down on. 

 

 

in other news, i got schooled in excel today. my supervisor is so badass. 

thoughts as i eat more fries doused with more mayonnaise followed by a milky way bar: 'i'm going to die. really really early. yum.' 

trust is a two way thing. 

that giant cliff-like dropoff into the forest in the back of my apt building? a group of guys was looking curiously down there. not sure if they were college kids or professional whoserwhatsits. i was just hoping they weren't looking for a body or something. all i know is that on my way up the stairs i pass another guy off to the side, looking at them from about 100 feet away with fierce concentration and opening/shutting his pocket knife. yeah i dont...really wanna think about the implications. 

i smiled a lot today. (thanks) 

does anybody use mint.com? is it any good? quicken lags.

you're falling back to me (defying gravity)

i was eating corn pops today and two of them had merged together. i was like O_O

sometimes you can see it. you can see other people about to head into a proverbial TRAIN WRECK, and you are all like STOP STOP STOP and they are like i see your point. but what can i do that involves not stopping? and you know, doesnt leave piles of emotional baggage and scarring that will later just cause drama? and you are like YOU IDIOT but only in your head because they're your friends and you don't really wanna say anything.

well, sometimes i can see it with me. shit. SHIT. 

sometimes, as much as this restlessness and longing and loneliness just simmers underneath the surface, i'm so, so sure (word of the day: aver) that things will be okay. i don't know if it's because i'll become complacent, or if i'll decide to do something completely crazy and work abroad, but. but it'll be okay. it'll be okay. 

...

..

CHILIIIIIIIIS

BABY BACK RIBS

that's where i'm headed to now. and NOT buffalo wild wings and bowling. because de-hermitizing is a GRADUAL PROCESS. 

just keep swimming

so as i am dragging roughly 80 lbs of groceries up to my apartment, i look down on the stairs. i see

 

a fish. 

 

 

a live fish. well. not anymore. =x it was about four inches long. rather cute. kinda flat. 

 

i would say more, but i. i mean.           ??????????

 

rock on, fish. 

 

ETA: 

it just occurred to me that the fish, being dead, may find it difficult to rock on. oh well. 

this was a triumph.

i've gotta say one thing. and that one thing is that french fries in mayonnaise is amazing. anybody who's been around me knows i drench everything in mayo or sour cream. how i held off on fries for 20 years, i'll never know.

dude. polo button up shirts are the same for boys as they are for girls. was that common knowledge? because seriously, i spend like 5 minutes longer in the morning trying to button my shirt with my left hand. 

so! so! so!!!! at first when Supervisor was like 'k let's get you guys CPS green belt certified' i was all like. dude. way to cop out. i don't want cat production system certification. where's the 6sigma D: but it turns out you have to be 6sigma before you can be CPS!!! which means we're getting certified!!!!!!!! [/nerd]

do i really have to accept delta phi lambda's friend request? i'm almost tempted to ignore it based on the fact that they give their sisters retarded names. no one should have to be subjected to middle names of 'lecoeur', 'gravitee', and 'lumiere'. 

i found out earlier this week that 'aperture' means 'hole'. suddenly Portal makes so much more sense. 

i got valentine's candy today! from a guy who nicked it from the receptionist's desk. now, you know. you know that on february 15th, a tiny asian girl is going to walmart and buying 3 pounds of chocolate. don't even think about reaching for the chocolate caramels, buddy. 

it was the potted plant, i swear.

slowly, slowly....

so as not to attract attention or incur any notice...

...slooowwwwllyyyy...

...stealing every pen in the supply closet....

did you find what you were after?

i'll be crash coursing in investing for the next month or so. 

don't expect me to get involved or do any of the following:

• boys
• dramas
• online games
• boys
• youtube

oi vey.