oh my god

who the hell would ever want to do this relationship shit?

3 days in and all i can think about is how much free time i had and how much accountability i had to ABSOLUTELY NO ONE but myself

too bad i kinda like this one.

well shit.

me:  yeah well

 Linda:  ?

 me:  i'm kinda waiting for the ball to drop

 Linda:  what you mean?

 me:  there's gotta be something wrong with this guy

 Linda:  lol

so paranoid

 me:  there's no wa y ok

he's super well read

and exercises

and is nice and makes jokes with his dad

and gets my stats nerd outs

 Linda:  ppl like that exist okay

 me:  I DONT BEVLIEVE IT

 Linda:  lol

and you may have snagged one of the few

rejoice

okay gn

tired

 Sent at 10:51 PM on Monday

 me:  still dont believ it

pickup truck

i wanna be the type of person that hangs out with you when i'm happy and free. not when i need a shoulder or an ear, or when i'm running away from someone (myself or otherwise). everyone uses people, it's true. we as humans like to be needed, or useful. but sometimes, when things are good, we just wanna share that goodness.

friends are tools, but not just that.

Just sayin

Can we skip all this uncertainty and just get to the part where I wife this dude?

weird tuesday musings

sometimes you do have to apologize. don't, if you don't regret it. but just because you don't regret it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong, and it doesn't mean an apology isn't owed at some point.

know what i mean?

in other news, i've been wondering if i'm cut out for asserting dominance in relationships. i can't ever do that thing where if i see a boy talking to another girl, i go and pee over everything. i still remember annie walking up in front of me and kissing elliot about two feet in front of my face. that's how to do it in the animal kingdom, right? otherwise ~interests get formed~ and ~danger happens~. maybe i'm just too lazy, or naive? on the one hand, trust is necessary. on the other, shit happens. maybe i place too much stock in the other person. but shouldn't we? isn't that what love means? isn't that the point of all this?

steady on

everything's all "i have no time and i'm working on projects" until you meet a guy you might potentially like.

then it's all, "i have no time and i'm working on projects"
but now you can't think straight and want to shirk all your responsibilities and just go play on playgrounds and eat things with them.

but i am going to follow through, distractions or not.

boys come and go. you stay with yourself considerably longer.

switches

when i talk to mike, i become witty. sardonic, and sharp, and i wish i could be like that clever with everyone, but i suppose i'll just have to accept that it's something he brings out in me because he is always the unattainable.

green

I wish i could say that i'm not jealous, but i am, and i really wish i knew how to clear the gross gunk out of my heart. because according to the great louis ck, the only reason you should be looking into your neighbor's bowl is to see if they have enough. not to see if you have as much as them.

and it's kind of a paradox too, innit? hang out with amazing people and they're always making cool shit happen and being better than you and making you feel inadequate. or getting engaged or some shit like that. but hang out with not amazing people and nobody's pushing you, and frankly it's kind of shallow and brain numbing. sometimes even toxic.

i must define my happiness by my own self.

i must also get a fucking move on.