l'esprit de l'escalier

There's this acquaintance i have named foroud and he posts things on tumblr that connect to his facebook, which shows up on my feed, and when i read it it makes me think we are writing soulmates, because everything he says is everything i want to say, and i think we'd have such meaningful things to say to each other, but unfortunately just because two people are similar in such a wonderful way doesn't mean they can or will or even want to be friends.

Old stuff

Old stuff, a photo by ceilingdistrict on Flickr.

photos from a year ago

pwnt

SKIPPED MY RUN AND NOW I'M RESTLESS AND IRRITATED AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT 

TOO MUCH AND NOT ENOUGH ENERGY

RAWRAWRAWR

saved by the bell

steven said something today that made me crack up for who knows how long.

Steven: she's a big fan of the "entire sermon ripped from the bible" school of thought
me: you dont need the bible to learn how to not be an idiot
Steven: .........
i see
well, her favorite NYC church basically sermoned from the Bible
boring as fuck
me: being a good person isnt completely dependent on being a christian
Steven: with me sitting there the whole time thinking
me: oh
graet lol
Steven: so.......if i think your book is full of shit
but no
i don't think the Bible is full of shit
i think it's a lot more outdated than it should be
that's why i thought up a potential sitcom
to modernize it
Jessica loved my idea
Derek said it was the worst thing to happen to Christianity since the Crusades
me: hahaha oh derek.
Steven: but yeah
here's my 5 minute pilot idea
Emmanuel is a freshman in high school
parents are like, "you're too shy and introverted"
me: HAHAHAHAHA
Steven: join a club
Steven: .........
me: i second the crusade thing
Steven: so!!!
Steven: being in California
he joins the beach volleyball club
me: LOL
me: THIS IS HORRIFICALLY BAD
me: OH MY GOD

this continues for another 10 minutes. he's not even done yet. there are wrestling matches with The Rock (get it? i almost wish i hadn't)

and that's how i spent the evening laughing harder than i have in weeks.

il faut en finir

gross, i'm being dramatic again. and it's only 1:30 in the afternoon. DERP DERP

other people are so good at saying things you feel. maybe that's how we connect to each other; we are all so different and all the same. our guts, and roots, and wants (and we never stop wanting)-- the only thing people ever die of is hunger--

anyway, i've mostly stopped the tweeting, and talking about it, gchatting, facebooking, what have you. this blog was really the last place i was lingering. as was expected; writing, O solace through the years. the last...greedy pocket of feeling that i was hoarding. this, below? this is exactly it. something i doubt i could have ever articulated, a final letting go of something that shouldn't have meant as much to me as it did. as it still does. but we press on, we must press on.




---
Love_meme, I love you, I love posting on you but it's an hour until New Years and this year, 2011, I am not going to post about her at all. Not even one time.

So, this is the last time I'm saying it. I love you, I love everything you are and next year I'm going to be okay with you not loving me and our plans for a future not ever coming true because even though we haven't been together, I still love you and I love everything you are and you're an amazing person. You don't need me, heck, I think that's been proved for a while now and...idk, I guess it's fine, like, you don't. Ugh, I don't know how to word this at all. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't need you to love me, like me or even talk to me anymore because it doesn't really change anything at all, and that's okay.


lol how pathetic is it that I started crying typing this because letting go hurts so much. Man. Okay, last time. Iloveyou, iloveyou, iloveyou never ever change.

_anonymous
---

2:54a

oh, my god, i really was treated like such shit, wasn't i?

wow.

do you think he even realizes?



...


naaaaaaah.

priorities

if you're asking whether i'm willing to carry a six pack of westvleteren beer in my backpack for 30 days across 14 cities, the answer is yes. if you're asking whether i'm going to, the answer is hell yeah.

ass and titties

so i rode on marta again today, and it reminded me of this one time, i was wearing this super low cut black lace top during the summer. i got stared at by creepy mexican guys, hit on by a creepy black dude, and followed home and asked to get into the car of a creepy asian dude. after saying no, he followed me to my house and waited outside for a good five minutes before driving away.

that day was probably an extreme case, but it made me realize something i usually keep in mind with me at all times, at least on some level:

if you dress like a commodity, you'll be treated like a commodity.

andy says that fishermen choose which fish to catch by the type of bait they use. so if you use your body as bait, all you'll catch is that type of guy.

i know it gets attention. the girl there with the D cup and the short shorts and low cut tank is gonna get tons of attention. but i think i don't want that type of attention anyway, because maybe, maybe that's not the type of guy i want. all guys will look; i'm not naive. but for some people, maybe personality is more important.

i wanna be mind bait. or career bait. or heart bait, or something worthwhile.

if you wanna take up with someone who puts out on the first week, be my guest.
i can do better than that; than you, with me, on all counts.


TL;DR suck it, bitch

30 rock

"it's not that simple. now what if they try to trap you, like nicole tried to do on the bus? bitches can be tricky. i'm going to get some strawberry milk."

_tracy jordan jr. ~10yrs (maybe)

bric a brac

AHHH, POST WORKOUT THROWING UP. GRAET. I SURE MISSED THIS

p.s going to westvleteren abbey in belgium. this is so important to me. you have no idea how happy i am that i'll be able to go here.

my mom was talking about my dad and how he was getting sentimental over our childhood pictures. which made me realize, oh, uh oh, maybe i get it from him.

the title of this post is from a t s eliot poem. not sure which. pretty sure i loved it though!

world not ending guyz? :/

come on, skinny love, just last a year
pour a little salt, we were never here

ever since mildly separating myself from twitter, it seems to have lost some of its appeal. are people just not posting or is it one of those things where you realize how strange it is after leaving? can i call it facebook-itis? but where will i put my SUPER DEEP SIMPLY STATED THOUGHTS?

saw a recent picture of tim with his girlfriend. he looks really, really happy. i hope i can find someone like that too, soon.

the thing about twitter is, am i now thinking less thoughts?

et qui va promener les chiens?

apologia

i'm tired of guys saying girls are crazy, and i'm tired of saying boys are assholes. or that they suck. or the whole "girls is conniving bitches" spiel. we should stop with the generalizations. yes, girls and boys do sometimes possess their... particular and distinctive traits.

the truth of the matter is, we are all responsible for each other. most of us will be children till the day we die. so how are we to expect kids to know how to treat something infinitely precious?

this is not to say we don't feel capacity for love, which is one of many things that redeems us.

mostly though, it's that we just suck at taking care of each other. or we're selfish, and things like 'sparing their feelings' or 'not wanting them to get hurt' spawn lies that down the road hurt even more.

so anyone can choose to be bitter and say that girls will just hurt you in the end. that they're smart. or that boys are assholes who will always be assessing other girls.

but each person is a diamond being. and we may be masochistic idiots, but when you venture to fall in love, that real love*, it's only with one person.

and you could not possibly generalize them.







* j has no idea what this is, and has only ever come close. but it exists, which is good enough for the purpose at hand

.0827

the more i talk to boys about their girl problems, the more i realize:

BOYS

ARE

IDIOTS

:@

boundaries of language

accept that you are not going to be able to go everywhere you want to go. that tempus fugit, and there is never enough of it. so even though you're on some island off the coast of spain that has the most beautiful beaches you've seen on paper, even if you're about 20 miles away, maybe it's just not feasible at the time. maybe there are constraints.

that's fine. that back alleyway in montevideo or the thermal pool in pantelleria will have to be left for some other person's eyes. we can't mourn the places in the world we'll never be able to go, because it's trying to count grains of sand and hold them all in your hand. we get one handful. maybe two, if we're lucky.

we'll just let them pass through our fingers, and let the tide move us where it does. 

make a sound

yeah no.... those were not...that day was not..  spent... sober....

also! growing my hair out! until this again.

i would cut it off dramatically, claiming a NEW CHANGE in which i am a strong, competent woman! deep and powerful and able to move on, and needing no man to quantify my worth! ha HA!

but, i was already all of that.

so, long it grows. 

retrospection again

This is a long ass entry. Ahhhh the end of the school year. This was actually one for the books, I'd say. Don't think I ever would have seen it coming. So much heartbreak. MY MOM THREW AWAY MY FAVORITE PAIR OF PJ PANTS. God that still kills me. okay but really, I stepped foot off that 20 hour flight and a few hours later, started working at under the couch next to a newly introduced mike. (I hate that I can actually remember the day we met, because it was the first day of school, and, that makes it like, god damn my memory)  (aug. 23rd)  I was so 'homesick' that week I could barely sleep for the dreams where you'd wake up with your hand in the air, someone's name on your lips, because you'd dreamed them here, not oceans apart. You dreamed them whole, and able to watch you grow old. And then two weeks later, a misguided confession in the grass that I couldn't stop shaking to, whereupon everything afterwards quietly stung like a papercut because of this color and these bovine eyes.

Then school really started, and I swear the only thing that kept me sane was utc and the few smears of people left that hadn't moved on with their lives already. Sang and Jef were givens. Ben was new. Dev is, I think, so close to being my sister sometimes I think I believe it. And then it was being overwhelmed to the point of tears a lot of days, because of the coursework.

Then a bunch of mn people decided to go to rocky mountain one day, and I found the mid soc. God, I fucking love you guys to death. Many a beer was drunk over conversation of oh shit, I think I like hirthy for real, enough to completely risk it (never happened before) all the way to its end of oh, shit, mike doesn't like me enough to treat me with a modicum of decency (never happened before).

In the end, it was eli's quiet conversations tinged with overprotectiveness, and evan's constant reassurance that I was someone worth loving that just-- they just, I mean I don't even-- where would I be without them? Where would I even be without them?

But don't get me wrong. I don't regret mike, most of the time. Some days, I do believe that some of it was genuine. He was the first I actually really liked, and I took a chance, and that's fine. That's what you're supposed to do, because was the risk so great that it was better to live without him? And on the days of indifference, and being treated like shit, the risk was still worth it. We (I, really) gave it the old college try. And I'm still glad I was more a fool than a coward. Up until I ended it, he genuinely made me happy because of who he was, and sad because of the sheer amount of power and affection I placed in his clumsy hands. I suppose now, I'm waiting until I can meet his eyes again. Or smile for real. Or just get over him so we can be decent friends. (for the kids who are grubbing for gossip, don't say I never did you any favors)

In any case, the year's done. I know not a lot of people care, or even think about it. But I have attachment problems, and I linger, and I remember everything. From the first midsoc pitcher of sweetwater happy ending to the pattern of ben's sweater as I hugged him for the last time. The shape of the table Dev and I studied at, in an abandoned IC, Yohan's thursday dinners. The taste of cheap sangria in a slightly sandy cup in south walton, where people walk out of their houses to food stands strung with christmas lights. and hirthy's bright blue basketball shorts when we met for student center training. That sounds creepy, doesn't it? I just-- it's just detail. Everything in life is startling with its vivid intricacy. Those three soft kisses that one cloudy morning, my favorite thing of it all. The thing I would keep if I were allowed to remember one minute of our entire 'togetherness'.

I clinked glasses enough times at sweetwater, so here's a proverbial cheers. It was one of the most meaningful years so far, in my limited and tender time, and I never want to repeat it again.

TL;DR MY MOM DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME BEFORE SHE THREW AWAY MY PJ PANTS

dino boy's got a dirty mouth. i like it.