Wednesday, February 29, 2012

i wanna give things to people who won't give them back

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

the grapist

"i'm gonna tie you to the radiator...and grape you?"

"why were they running?! why was that child screaming 'mom'?!"

Monday, February 27, 2012

no, i don't think it's hilarious at all that i'm soon to interview with K's company and today i just got a call to schedule one at B's.

the parallels are frighteningly similar. interviewing isn't like dating. it is dating.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

title track

there is no discipline of forgetting.
but it does happen because we let it, too.

death cab for cutie's we have the facts and we're voting yes is SO GOOD.

some people's moods and habits are influenced by the weather. for some people it's the clothes they wear. would they not be so influenced if we, their audience, didn't reflect it back at them?

soon, when we put ourselves down, there is going to be no one to reassure us. instead, we must reassure ourselves, that we are strong, and powerful, and capable of anything...

i remember that brief year i didn't date anyone, and said i was using that year to get closer to God. looking back on it now, i wonder if he would have wanted me to stop using him as a crutch and to spend that time learning how to be with someone instead. which isn't to say i didn't, yknow, have a more personal relationship with him at the end of it. but we as christians tend to hide behind him because it is just so damn easy, so much easier than facing our problems. we take a lot of liberties with our God.

anyway, just some random thoughts as lent draws near. WOMP WOMP

the great minimum

In a time of sceptic moths and cynic rusts,
And fattened lives that of their sweetness tire
In a world of flying loves and fading lusts,
It is something to be sure of a desire.

_gk chesterton



Tuesday, February 21, 2012

fine, darling. you want me to be persistent? i can be persistent.

i want it, and i don't care if i've pissed off senior management or fucked the recruiter or other various things i give fuck all about. hypothetically, obviously. metaphorically, maybe.

i'm getting that interview. if you don't think i'm a good fit, you can kiss my ass.
i'm going in over your head anyway. is a website that lets you sent letters to yourself any time in the future. i recently found one sent to me, written in 2006 and sent in 2007.

(The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Thursday, August 10, 2006, and sent via

so hi...

how are you doing now? are you happy? i hope that one year into college hasnt changed you too much, but at the same time i hope you've matured. are you STILL 4'11?

i hope not, anyways. have you found a nice boyfriend, or maybe started to get rid of your commitmentphobe?

maybe most importantly, are you still faithful in your walk with God?

i want you to remember to keep a part of yourself, no matter what the world takes away, no matter what gets destroyed by materialism. i hope you remember that every relationship you had or will have, dysfunctional as it is, is special, and significant.

i want you to remember you're at georgia tech and you're doing an engineering major that you might not always like because above all this is to support your family, which means more than anything.

how is that, by the way? are you dying? are you eating well, have you learned to cook?

by the time you get this, one year will have passed, and i know that year will be hard earned. i hope, though, that you'll stick with your major...and get one step closer to that degree. because it's your obligation, and you have to remember that.

are you still tithing ten percent, and did you finally learn the grieg concerto like your brother did? are you closer with your brother? because at this moment...that was one of the things you really really wanted, you know. is he married to his girlfriend yet, and does he have his own life six years older and six years apart from you?

i know it feels like you're throwing your life away by going into engineering for the next six years, and working in that field for the next 30. you dont even *like* engineering. but please remember that this is what you you and everyone you cared for could maybe have a little bit of a better life. so please...let that make you just a little bit happy. and let that make this a little bit more bearable.

i hope you still love southern comfort food, and that you finally look into what the heck T.S Eliot's The Wasteland means. i hope you still keep up with people like scott and whoever, and that maybe you understand e.e. cummings a little more.

please dont forget what rawlin said...that everything in literature and everything in life has a purpose. everything you feel has meaning and everything you experience is for a reason. keep growing. keep growing.

and above all, be true to yourself.

you know, right before mike left for the actual very last time,
he scooped up a ladybug on a piece of paper and gave it to me
but then it flew away because it was a living thing

Monday, February 20, 2012

i've started doing yoga x

and while i have a few choice four letter words for while i'm doing it

afterwards there is nothing but good things to say about it.

oh, i guess also, them yoga bitches be crazy. dat crane pose.


i dunno why, but i just now thought to google matt smith.
to which my general reaction for the next twenty minutes was something along the lines of
holy shit holy shit holy shit oh my fucking god

Sunday, February 19, 2012

i know you miss her
and i'm sorry
i wouldn't wish missing on anybody
even you

Saturday, February 18, 2012

tempus fugit

there are no truer words than these
at least, at this point in time, at this time of day:

when things are gone, it's best not to miss them.

she said to me,
she said, i think it's good that you still trust in people
and that you still want to want
it's okay that sometimes you get heartsick from goodbyes
that you couldn't avoid

i think the world is a mysterious place, and everything has its time
and it should be like that

Friday, February 17, 2012

emo post is a little emo

sometimes it's better not to remember. it just is.
i find myself wishing that i didn't remember anything. about anything.
and that i wrote nothing down, because you know, yeah
and fuck the dude who said you'll look back on things with fondness.
yes, it was wonderful, and you remember very vividly that it was, and that you no longer have it.
and you're still going to read the entire journal because that's how it works.

so much of our humanity, i think, lies in the act of missing people.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

i think...

i'm going to go get you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


my life is again a mess.

i have the kontrol freek job if i want it. but i'm worth double what they're offering, and it's a high risk high return job. i'm tired of talking about it again.

vday date with blake went well. i kinda blew him off today because of job freakout, so idk. i think we would be better as friends though, and we're on a path now that i'm not quite sure how to veer from. we are wonderful as friends. blake is pretty awesome, i can't lie.

kevin too. only with a lot less subtlety. the best way i can describe this particular relationship is that soon, very soon, we are going to have to take this to its logical and inevitable conclusion. fuck if i don't have a terrible weakness for competency. with this one... there's a frisson of tentative curiosity and pleasure that comes from that rare experience of feelings developing from nothing (as opposed to instant [potential] attraction). less like a tidal wave. less like a gust of wind and more like the slow shaky legs of a foal learning to stand.

what am i going to do about this job????? i can't believe i'm leaning towards leaving it on the table with no other interviewing prospects on the horizon. AGAIN. god dammit

tl;dr luvstep 3!!! i have too many boys and not enough job offers

Monday, February 13, 2012

give and take

how today has felt professionally/at the career fair: 


how today has felt socially:


Friday, February 10, 2012

in light of valentines day

and oh, i love valentines day, even though i never got flowers or had secret admirers in school or all that good shit, god those lollipops are awesome, the heart shaped ones that taste like cherry, and all those cute valentines and, oh, i dunno, if it weren't for all the ads on tv for lube and condoms, this might be one of my favorite holidays. and, you know, maybe one day, right? in any case, the following is a poem for all to enjoy before i go eat pringles in the shower. got a problem with my multitasking? come at me bro. cmon.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a knife get in the van

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

oh my god why is this my life

i have valentines day plans

for the first time ever


him: "so...i was wondering if you had plans next tuesday."
me: "..what's next tuesday?"



sometimes, you think, sometimes the glint trigger. his skin is so smooth, and you feel suddenly sick with desire.


y'know what i hear a lot these days?

"does anyone want to ______ for me?" 

insert things like 'kidnap scarlett johansson', 'drive me to the dmv', etc etc etc. and i just think, heeeey actually, not really. after reading so many social engineering articles and thumbing through all these networking/conversation books in my brother's room, i've come to realize just how important wording is. especially after reading 'great ways to sabotage a good conversation'. e.g the art of never saying 'but', and this phrase up here is just. so much less effective than it could be. than if someone asked,

"is anyone willing to _______ for me?" 

because let's face it, we're pretty selfish people. actually if i went freudian on errone's ass, i could almost strip down the things we want to do down to sex and mommy issues. wait. i ran away from myself there.

the fact of the matter is, one statement touches on our desires, a la 'but what's in it for me?" and the other touches on our magnanimity. it's saying 'sure, maybe you might not want to do it, but would you be willing to anyway?' it levels the playing field a bit because the asker is now aware that they are the ones reaching out, understanding they are the ones for whom a favor is being done. (instead of 'a ha, i have deigned you are worthy to take me to the dentist!')

anyway, just some daily thoughts.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

ohhh, i want this job somethin' fierce.
 me:  tomato tomahto
 Sang:  tomahto is a completely wrong way to spell tomato
imma punch u

Monday, February 6, 2012

things that made me smile today

on the serious discussion of jumping off a roof:

K: Unfortunately, my body size prohibits me from attempting to jump out of windows with just an umbrella. But you can always (try to) float away, little dandelion-saurus-rex. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

sodom and gomorrah

in the end, it isn't nostalgia that turns us to pillars of salt. only our fear that we must have lost something important along the way, buried invisible in the indent of our own tracks. whatever it is, we think, we'll never get back. some of us turn back and kneel in the sand, ever swept onward, looking in vain until our eyes burn hot. some of us choose to fly faster. but god, all the things we could be, unshackled from that dread--

it's a wonder you could hear it at all over the clamor of your own doubt.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

go on okcupid dates.

because you know what happens when you go on okcupid dates?

you get signed copies of the new all get out album.

i sent blake to get me an autograph at their athens show and they just fucking gave him an LP. and they were all about to sign it but he told them that only one of them should sign it, and i'd come back to get the rest of the signatures.

this distresses me. that i could have had all the band members sign it. BUT THEN I REALIZE WHAT I HAVE IN MY HANDS.

jesus fucking christ.

on doctor who

i linked emily to this after our marathon yesterday, all like alskdjfhadklfjhas

Emily:  i feel like youre watching softcore nerd porn
stop it!
 Sent at 7:42 PM on Saturday
 me:  no!
i can stop any time i want!
i just don't want to !

it's sexy. i can't even front. 

Friday, February 3, 2012

M, recurring

the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you
the you i meet in dreams is not the real you

Thursday, February 2, 2012


i can't deal. :/ was talking to jef today about how job searching is like dating girls. you of course are the boy.  it's one thing to apply to fifty bajillion companies. you're like, well, couldn't hurt. and then you get what you wish for, and people start calling you, and wanting to schedule interviews, and all of a sudden it goes from harmless flirting to "so, where are we? where do you see us going?" and you're all like, shit, shit, you have OCD and daddy issues, maybe i don't actually want to be in a relationship with you, but i wanna be married by 33 and i ain't gettin' any younger..

in conclusion, i just kinda wanna talk to kevin and hear him say "no worries, t-rex, just do your best." and be patted on the head.

buuuut that's not feasible at the mo, so we're gonna fake it till we make it. and i'm gonna talk to daddy -issues company tomorrow, and hope goth-girl-that-chews-her-hair company doesn't call me about that offer, and actually interview with control-freak company next week. who ironically is named Kontrol Freek. they make ergonomic accessories for game controllers. but i digress.

when you get down to it, weakness is only appealing in strong people.
and i wanna make people proud.

also i'm still taking pictures every day, i just have to freaking edit and post them all. soooon.

power dynamics are... intriguing.

i have someone younger than me who's calling me kiddo because he's been working for a year.
it's... hm. i don't mind as much as i thought i would. not sure if it's because i've always had tons of older brother figures, or, if this person and i are still feeling out our roles in relation to each other. hm.

job offer drama, too. murrrrr.