in a station of the metro

i was kind of thinking of what book to bring with me to europe (europe! that will never get old) since i likely won't have my ipod with me and total rail travel time is about 78 hours.

realized it was going to have to be poetry. there's probably no other option.

novels are nice, don't get me wrong. some people can read a novel one hundred times and get something new out of it each time.

that, though? that's Eliot. and Auden, and Yeats, and Pound. Siken and Neruda, even the tiny glimpses of half understanding from Eluard and Prevert and Rimbaud.

rubbing each letter's sound between your fingertips, weighing the heavy meanings between each (always) intentional space. those who claim overanalyzation detracts from the feelings gleaned from a cursory read-- never felt the triumph or truly connecting with the poet and his purpose. they felt instead the rush of universal emotions, centralized around themselves. which is fine, too, if that's what you want. that's where most of the beauty lies anyway.

it does in part exist to tell us things we already knew about ourselves, in a manner difficult to understand. but then you're not reading the poet's poem, you're reading his product. anyway, i think too much. here have a poem! it's pretty lovely.


Let not my love be called idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
Fair, kind, and true, is all my argument,
Fair, kind, and true, varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
Fair, kind, and true, have often lived alone,
Which three till now, never kept seat in one
- William Shakespeare

how to win friends and influence people

so i was thinking a little about people deserving other people and the nature of relationships. and how it's always this tradeoff between insecurity because they're better than you vs. annoyance that they're not. unless they're about the same, which you don't want either because sometimes you don't even like you.

and then i thought, this is stupid. stop being retarded and overanalyzing.

you just have to think, 'i'm lucky' and let that be that.

but also, they're kinda lucky too because i'm the shit.

/:)

fell asleep, had a dream

everything is sore. EVERYTHING. even my throat (it's pollen season). i'm never working out again.
jk i'm going to the crc today and probably every weekday. YAY motivation OW OW OW sore :( TIME TO GET IN SHAPE.

speaking of pollen season, is it possible that it won't happen if i will it hard enough with my mind? i sneezed today and was like WAIT. OH NOOOOOOOOOOO

speaking of nothing in particular, europe planning!!!! much more fun than hw when they're like "DUDE PROVE THIS THING and USE LOTS OF INTEGRALS lololol" that's what it says verbatim on the page. to which i respond with belgian beer thoughts.

exceedingly questionable premises.


space

you can be my punk rock princess

 

so something kind of nice happened today. 

i don't think i reacted the way i should have, but it made me smile anyway. you know, after.

it's just that, well, when you spend x amount of time actively trying to get over someone (for real trying, not just pansy trying), and then this nice thing happens, and then, you know, your heart gets a little confused. 

i was still in 'less eye contact maximum caution frustration-apathy-paradox' mode. 

plz be a little patient with me. 

i'm actually kinda really really happy.  /:) 

the thing about liking someone?

they get treated better and worse than all the platonic shades of grey in between.

deal with it.

some girls are kinda hot, but also annoying. hn

i wish i had defrosted meat for dinner. pasta is no culinary feat, i assure you

I AM SO SICK OF AMBIGUITY

beside myself with giddiness

I SAID, I'M GOING TO EUROPE OK

THEY SAID, WAIT UNTIL YOU GRADUATE

I SAID, AND THEN I'LL WORK FULL TIME

AND THEY SAID, WE'LL PAY FOR YOUR PLANE TICKET, YOU COVER THE REST


AND THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO EUROPE.

possibly one of the worst feelings in the world is having something to say and then not saying it.

in other news, i haven't told my parents about europe..........................

chewing gum

someone once described their brother to me, all like "he was the type of guy who had a girlfriend. and a backup girlfriend, and a backup backup girlfriend."

i didn't say anything to them about it at the time, but inside i thought, 'my condolences'.

to the girls who may or may not have been expendable. who may or may not have been into him the same, but themselves were put on some sort of ranked scale.

and also to the boy who thought the heart is spacious enough to house multiple people in DESC, as though people can be thought as 'if this doesnt work out, i have someone just as good who i'll feel similar for'.

i don't know much, or have any experience at all. but i know it doesn't work like that.

more and more i think you live by what you let go.

better to have one and ruin yourself.

closing time

strangely enough, i feel fine.

it's as though, in the asking, i finally let go.

i think we're gonna be okay.

we wouldn't have been good together, anyhow, haha.

i will like you as i see fit, and i'll stop when i stop. welcome to the beginning of the end, darling.

no.

no backing down. no covering tracks, or crying sour grapes, or covertly trying to salvage pride. no licking wounds. ok maybe a little of that is allowed. but only a little.

life is doing things that scare you. and learning to want things that are worthy enough that we risk losing ourselves a bit.

we walk that shit off. we square with what we want, and once given, we do not take it back (in all senses of the word).

we tell the truth. we do not flinch.

rehearse steps on an empty stage

why can't you want me like the other boys do
they stare at me while i stare at you



how do boys do this all the time. i feel like i wanna hurl! >:|

happy valentines day

i think tomorow i'll just right out and tell that little red haired girl that i love her. then i'll give her a big hug. then i'll go bungee jumping from the moon.

_charlie brown

beau geste

i wanted to post on my twitter, badmouthing someone constantly if they didn't do anything to you doesn't make you a better person. it actually just makes you an asshole.

though, i realized a few things. i've done it before, to a friend. not sure if that's better or worse than badmouthing someone you barely know, but. also, i can do better than that. i can call up your best friend, and your ex girlfriend, own up to my negligence, and fix my friendships with them.

and i'd love to put that in a place where you would see it. start some passive agressive unspoken war of words and hearsay. but you're not even worth it. i don't give a shit about you. we have no history, and sure as hell have no salvage value.


you? you can go right ahead and keep talking shit. lie some more, while you're at it. personally i'm hoping it makes you feel great and helps you mature as an individual.

ahh, procrastination.

so i sort of remotely own will smith's will 2k single.....ON VINYL.

there are balloons at utc and one of them looks like a cookie monster NO MORE ELABORATION

skrillex show in two weeks i'm kinda excited it is DUBSTEP i hope it's insane

gathering courage for you you you you and you. and saving you for last because you make my insides feel funny.

i get deja vu all the fucking time now. i think i've seen the things i'm about to do, in my dreams before. i either need to stop remembering them or find someone to tell them to. else i may esplode.

grad students have feelings too, you know. today it was totally like

prof: we're going to start on this theorem because i don't want to waste the last five minutes of class
class: [collective groan]
prof: we won't finish, and it's just a little bit
class: [collective groan]
prof: oh come on.
class: [collective groan]

yep. you don't fool me. you all may be some freak geniuses that like to take hard classes 'in order to learn something' but at your core, and deep deep deep down, you're normal. ish. a little. passably. maybe

son, you fucked up.

we are just constantly trying to better ourselves, and love each other despite their faults, despite our own.

ah, i can be such a jerk sometimes.

in other news, i'm never drinking again. from now on i'm sticking to pot

(just.. kidding.)

eliot is a mastermind

The October night comes down; returning as before
Except for a slight sensation of being ill at ease
I mount the stairs and turn the handle of the door
And feel as if I had mounted on my hands and knees.
“And so you are going abroad; and when do you return?
But that’s a useless question.
You hardly know when you are coming back,
You will find so much to learn.”
My smile falls heavily among the bric-à-brac.

“Perhaps you can write to me.”
My self-possession flares up for a second;
This is as I had reckoned.
“I have been wondering frequently of late
(But our beginnings never know our ends!)
Why we have not developed into friends.”
I feel like one who smiles, and turning shall remark
Suddenly, his expression in a glass.
My self-possession gutters; we are really in the dark.

inane ramblings

oh my goddddd i've been fucking around for the past month doing jack shit and it's about to come full circle. today is my DO YOUR HOMEWORK OR ELSE day. jebus.



also this band is great. have had em on my ipod for the better part of a year or something, and just started getting obsessed with them a couple days ago. if you havent heard of them you are now well on your way to being ~indie~, ~relevant~, and ~hip(ster)~. JK they're not recent enough everyone in the know has heard of them you're too late.

yesterday at bisca's birthday party, when we were waiting for her i accidentally maybe whispershouted "shut the fuck up!" when the same group of guys started giggling and causing a fuss in the dark.

wow, was that effective.

incidentally, i didn't mean to, ok :< i just forgot that i was in a room full of super christians.

more and more, i think this:

your body is not a temple. it's an amusement park. enjoy the ride.
_anthony bourdain 

if i'm being super sacrilegious right now, idk. i just thought, a relationship with God is 100% first priority. but in a world of so much color and culture and whatever else; in a place where your life is rife with opportunities missed (you could have been a ballet dancer, or a lacrosse player, or a painter, or) why would you not struggle to imprint as much of that on your soul?

i think sometimes christians are just scared.

HYPOCRISY HYPOCRISY HYPOCRISY HYPOCRISY

that was my hypocrisy marquee. in my weak defense, i'm a coward in the boy arena, not the being okay with new (non boy related) things arena.

speaking of which, i realize fell more in it in the worst way, as he fell out of it. damn i'm like a psychic. i should have said yes, sure, ok. wrote it a thousand times on post it notes and stuck them to his forehead. i should have run screaming after him into the dark. haha 活該.

OK WORK TIME T____T

what is the sound of one hand clapping?

turn to stone

duuuude

i'm so obsessed with bassnectar. that shit is so heavy.



damn. just-- damn.


take a hint also take the hint
 
to understand or do something that is communicated indirectly I can take a hint – if you don't want to talk about it, that's OK with me. “Weren't you going to check your messages?” she asked. I took the hint and left.

See also: hint, take


evidently i don't know what this is, so i thought i would do myself a favor and look it up

har har self deprecation

do you hear that beat, jesus christ