oh my god

you are so adorable i cannot even

hypothetically speaking

Watching season 3 of the office is like hitting myself in the face with a baseball bat.

My pool cue came in!!!!!!!!!!!

As did my peanuts moleskines.

It comes with stickers! and one of them is schroeder, going "i think you have the cutest smile of anyone since the world began."

But I don't remember schroeder ever having a crush on anyone. Did he?

I mean, he sure as hell wasn't talking to lucy, right?

My God, what if it was the little red haired girl?

bitches be crazy

keep me out of this, a'right, love?

j'aurais du v2.0

the next one i have, i will treat ten million times better.

i promise.

(i'm sorry)

sometimes the best you can do to make up for past transgressions toward someone is to do better with anyone, everyone else.

I could not give up a fight

Soil and six feet under
Killed just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
And you know me


Blooming up from the ground
Three rounds and a sound
Like whispering you know me
You know me

CHRISTMAS SNOW.

THAT IS ALL.

called it

at the risk of sounding really really weird (though i can't find my Give A Fuck) have you ever been on facebook and clicked around and been like

'oh! you. you are perfect for him.'

i did that with T's current girlfriend like, way back in February. it was a strange feeling, sorta.

so i'm gonna go right ahead and say that you?

you're perfect for him.

how terribly presumptuous of me!

but we shall see.

dougie dougie dougie

LOL oh yahoo answers.

"what's the best music to jerk to? (THE DANCE)"

it's like they thought, 'OMG MUST MAKE DISTINCTION' >___>

btw, i'm mildly ashamed that i'm going to phrase it like this but there's no other way.

jerking? hella fun.


...(the dance!)

sunlight on the garden

Si j'avais seulement cinq minutes pour dire tout ce qu'il faut dire à toi; alors, lisez. s'il vous plait.



The sunlight on the garden


Hardens and grows cold,

We cannot cage the minute

Within its nets of gold,

When all is told

We cannot beg for pardon.



Our freedom as free lances

Advances towards its end;

The earth compels, upon it

Sonnets and birds descend;

And soon, my friend,

We shall have no time for dances.



The sky was good for flying

Defying the church bells

And every evil iron

Siren and what it tells:

The earth compels,

We are dying, Egypt, dying



And not expecting pardon,

Hardened in heart anew,

But glad to have sat under

Thunder and rain with you,

And grateful too

For sunlight on the garden.

_Louis MacNeice

love by nature

so i'm looking to start up piano again after neglecting it for a good year. guess i miss the couch building late nights or something, i dunno.

i thought i could do the whole 'rhapsody in blue piano solo' thing when i was perusing sheet music on amazon, but after listening to it a bit on youtube, i realized that that's not for me.

you gotta play the original version gershwin wrote, with the orchestra-- incomplete without the orchestra-- even if you don't have one. because that's the way he wrote it. and that's the way it's played.

when it comes down to it, you make do and hear the accompanying music in your head. god knows that's not gonna be a problem.


and you know, anybody who plays their repetoire solely for the sake of impressing others is just lame. you know, that guy who can't stop churning out tunes in a roomful of people that are more interested in talking to each other. because anybody who's been at it longer than a year or two knows that the real issue is the ugly underbelly. playing five measures over and over for half an hour because your fingers just don't work that way. and the triumph, and the steady progress that follows.

though, when you play for someone, that's an entirely different beast.

anyway, if you can face that head on, that's the true test of worth.

now, then you got your prodigies and people who are always gonna be better because they're naturally talented. i think they go through the same process, just quicker. and you live and let live. because you just try your best, and next time, you try to top it. and slowly, you inch forwards.

i think it's about time to go back.

obduracy

do not go gentle into that good night.
rage, rage against the dying of the light.

_dylan thomas

&#^#&*@(

PUTAIN DE MERDE.

i may have to grow up a lot quicker than i had anticipated.

if you wanna take a ride with me

you know when you worry about something and someone says 'dont worry, there's nothing you can do about it now'?

it's not that you are really worrying. it's more that you are dreading the potential bad outcome.

and there's nothing about that you can rationalize away, darling.

SO WE WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY.

trouble trouble trouble

i like our names close
next to each other on the screen that we waste our lives over
or paper that we waste our lives
over
even bodies far
and uneven hearts farther
tiny letters stay still
as peace wells up and spills over the page.

so sentimental

this morning i was eating a banana. a flying bug thing flew close, intrigued. i watched it. i watched it come closer.

SMACK, and its life was no more.

i felt moderately bad about it afterwards.

i mean, there it was, maybe just being curious about something. and all of a sudden, its life ended.

and then i thought, what if that were us? what if we're like these bugs, just gettin' on like we are. trying to do well in bug school, trying to get your boyfriend's bug friends to like you, making bug money, chillin' on the neighborhood banana. and then one day, out of the blue, unexpectedly, in the blink of an eye---

smack. 

my brain. MY BRAIN.

"so, as a grad student do you actually take finals, or do they just put you in a room and beat you with sticks?"

_hirthy


my study breaks are involuntary daydreams. shit. tomorrow's gonna be nasty. well, looks like we're gonna have to use brute force again.

finals, what?

i fell asleep last night at 11pm, woke up at 9 today, took a shower, and here i am.

was supposed to go to a party, but my ride bailed so instead i chose to get TEN HOURS OF SLEEP.

i feel so fucking good right now it's unbelievable.

last super emo poast for a while, i plomise

it's too easy to fall together, but it's too hard to fall away.

11:11

i can't keep wanting to stay away because my self discipline is shit like everyone in the world's except yours.

ain't that the way.

xanax

when i am with you, i feel all at once less of me, and more myself than i have ever been.

like i am trying too hard to be someone else; someone better. but that i am closer to a happier state than before.

but that's all you get.

you get involuntary concessions of time and attention. push your luck far enough, or let the circumstances happen as they will, and they're gone in the blink of an eye. you won't see them for another few days again, if you're lucky.

that's all you get now.

daily happenings

chris simmons visited me today at utc dressed as santa and handed me a teddy bear.

it has made my disposition better than it was before.

kyle was dressed as an elf.

evan had nothing to gift for his MN secret santa so he goes into the back room of utc, takes out the bin with the soldering equipment, the bin with the soldering equipment, and proceeds to solder a little human with a penny head and a sign made out of ticket stubs that says i love you. on a music stand.

jesus christ, sometimes tech really just. i dont even.

good grief

you know what i love about snoopy? snoopy is awesome.
snoopy is adorable even when he shouldn't be. he's only in it for his supper dish, and he steals linus's blanket all the damn time. he gets in boxing fights with lucy and then kisses her. ok that part is pretty adorable. but he does have his bad moods, etc.

but he loves his people. he takes care of woodstock, and takes care of charlie brown in is own way. and that signature dance!! he does things as he sees fit, with a remarkable sense of right and wrong. we never doubt that part; that he knows right from wrong. just sometimes he chooses to follow it and sometimes he really really wants that blanket.

everything about him is adorable, from that cute little rounded belly to his distinctive nose.

but you know, i have a feeling if we met a real live person like that, we would all be equally as fond :)

p.s if schroeder is any indication, stay away from musicians.

wine wine wine

yes: i am exhausted and delirious and terrified--
and i would love to call you and tell you to come over so you could stroke my hair and tell me it's all going to be ok and maybe even just sit there and smile at me. or let me fall asleep on your shoulder
and i really really would, if i thought for a second you would come.
oh well, that's not who we are anymore.
that's not who we ever were, it's just who we could have become.

the red wheelbarrow

so much rests on so little

it reminds me of that chicken poem. that wheelbarrow poem. please read on as i take some time to find it using the power of THE INTERNET

so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens.

_william carlos williams

group dynamics

sometimes you have to piss a few people off and not be afraid about it to get what you want.

i'm in america. i want a presentation speaker who is decently good at english.

i'm willing to hurt a few feelings to make this happen.

auden speaks

you should have --

you should have just --

things wot i wrote when i should have been listening to professors

of all nameless faces that pass you on the street, in atlanta or tokyo or providence or montevideo; every one of them means something to somebody, more than they have ever meant or will ever mean to you.

likewise, somebody passes and your eyes widen, your face softens. and everyone, forgettable bodies already, becomes less than that. blurs. but you are not a blur, and neither are they.

this is what the world is about. this is what it means to be human and whole and alive.

that we are all the same; we yearn for happiness and peace and love -- note i did not say truth. that we are all the same, but we are immutably and intimately different to each other.

This is the bed I made. Some days it feels as though I will never get out of it.

things are not going to be okay.

in other news, i had a dream that i was falling asleep and waking up, in my dream. i was drifting off! in my dream!!! strangest feeling ever. and then i went to go dig omelettes out of the bathroom sink.

mccallan time

i'm having 3 define the relationship talks tomorrow it's gonna be great

technically one is a define my grade in your class talk

that one is going to be extra great

I NEED

A DRINK

i'm going to just keep a bottle of scotch in my room. jesus christ.

doin' 55 in a 54

i hate when i'm all like ready to go and hug it out but then niggas be all idle and shit

oh man i need to stop listening to jay z

now we're going to skewer the torkey.

what my parents bought for thanksgiving:

• sliced pork and beef for hot pot
• honey baked ham
• a rotisserie chicken (???)
• potato rolls
• chips
• pecan pie

we are at a crucial time where i could either buckle down and cook the rest of the stuff for an american thanksgiving... or be super asian and do hot pot.

either way, we need a bottle of prosecco before this night is over. and martinelli's cider. because come on, peeps.


for all the unhappiness of the year, it was because such wonderful things to miss. the people i met this year and the brief time we had before it all ended or went to shit-- i would do it again in a heartbeat. and for the things that didn't end, so much the better. there's an inordinate fondness i have for you all, and i remember it in startling detail. going to the star bar with jennifer, talking every single fucking day with lauren. i wish i'd have known when i met you in second grade that thirteen years later we'd still be here. sleepy time with bisca and steph, super mario galaxy on weekends with emily. the butts brigade. walking around tipsy in the woods at midnight, oh god.

shooting the shit with jeff and those two great months for all they were worth with tim. all of taiwan. all of it, even days when i was sick of sweating and family politics. i can't even think of those people; it would take too long. i would get too-- something. reminisce-y. daniel tong stretching my facebook and just being there for me, and getting beer at brickstore with sang. damn that scotch ale was strong. mike and his nametag and the pineapple ice cream and his apples that i liked better even if mine were sweeter.

you aren't ever the same after people come into your life. blah blah carl jung blah blah pieces of others.

for all i thought i was lonely or fucked up this year, i was blessed so much. even if i dont ever or can't ever show it the way i want or should, i love you all.

delusion

feelings should be reciprocated. in equal amounts, mind. everything should be quantified, and people can like each other the exact same. no one would like someone more or less. no one would settle. no one would be scared, or be with someone safe just because they were hurt in the past by someone they really loved. everything can be quid pro quo, and whatever you give of yourself to someone, you receive the weighted amount in return.

 there will be no uncertainty. no variability. no one would be left, no one would leave. no one would cheat, or feel anything at all, even. except for the knowledge in the back of their head of depending on a person, as solid and instinctive as 2+2=4.

so fuck you. maybe somewhere in the vast universe there are other beings and maybe it's like this. and maybe they wish for a world where people are swayed by their emotions and to put love in a box like that would be to disrespect it.

but fuck that. i'm going to live in a world today where everyone misses just as much as they are missed.

lost in the world

kanye's album. buy it. listen to it. download it. i can't stop plugging it because it's so different and so, so, SO, GOOD.

used to date a guy who was way pretentious about his music. i think i still am too, a bit. lol i wouldnt let emily play katy perry at under the couch when she was here yesterday. but hey, music is music, and if you feelin' it, you feelin' it.

if you like justin bieber or miley cyrus though, well i'm just sorry because you are wrong.

i decided against hooking up with Guy. at this point, my honest motives would have been mostly vindictive, and that is never ever ever a good idea. i hope Other Guy still wants to be friends, that would kinda suck if he didn't. oh well. there's an elephant in the room and i'm bout to call its punk ass out.

so apparently there are these things called SKITTLES WITH CRAZY CORES? and they're like SKITTLES? with CRAZY CORES? what is this i don't even. WHO IS GOING TO BRING ME THESE MAGICAL CANDIES?

speaking of candies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 it's almost christmas time. and you know what happens at christmas time?

see's candies.

the files are IN the computer

pros and cons of hooking up with this guy:

pros:

• we have past history. 
• no strings attached. absolutely none. he goes back up north after thanksgiving is over
• we click well. it's easy. no jealousy, no claws, no masochism. no mind clouding affection.
• sometimes it's nice to just have fun. 
• did i mention the no strings attached? 

cons:

• someone else sort of has prior claim
• i'm too old for this shit
• it feels vaguely like betrayal even though it isn't
• doesn't mean anything =>waste of time? 
• it's probably not a morally good idea, or something 

um. >_o

prepositions. propositions. tomato. tomahto.

OH SHIT. THAT JUST HAPPENED.

HAHA I STILL GOT GAME.

jason mraz

after an afternoon
Face to palm, Tear to tear
& Mouth to tongue
Heart to ground
Say, “I am in love”
Oh, Heart to ground
I am in love


very cute song. :)

#.021

over the courses of day

i fluctuate and sway like a drunkard

over trite comparisons of your intoxicating being.

at noon, i have resolved to knock down your door

demanding recompense and answers.

mid morning, i state you are too warm, too sharp

and deserving of brown

sweet

doe eyes; spaghetti hair

and fuller figures.

early evening, when my tangent thoughts

run most swiftly towards conclusions.

late evening,  like cracks in concrete

like caulk in tiles

like trails of birds flocking toward southern refuge.

float like a feather in a beautiful world

so here's what i'm wondering.

you know the whole, idklol where people are like this is DIFFICULT i am going to ignore you for a good long while and then after a few months, feelings have suddenly diminished or gone away entirely?

if feelings can be dampened and if they can disappear like that, can you likewise foster them through SERIOUS HANGING OUT TO THE MAJOR N-TH DEGREE?

i was never under the impression that feelings of attraction could be forced and or manipulated like that.

but you know, if falling out of 'love' by avoidance actually works*...


however, i'm in no state to test out this theory. someone will have to let me know. take one for the team, COMPLETELY GLUE yourself to the chick you're into and see what happens. you know, assuming no one fucks it up and then starts proving the other theory. which, there's no groundbreaking work to be done there, kiddos.


*take this word with a grain of salt. i mean relatively speaking

i think i have found it

Just got back from a great dinner/night of pool playing with some really great people!

I can see how if you surround yourself with laughter and keep yourself busy, you don't think about anything or anyone at all.

"it's been wonderful, sweetie. it really has."

"but i think we should call it quits."

_QC

list of demands

plz to give me 1 massage..................

and 1 vacation................

when that whole mad season comes around

and since i'm immature, and didn't really feel sorry; i dont' know. i just wanted you to feel like i was feeling. 

dear self,
walk it off. 
there i said it.
 sincerely,
self. 

i'm still not sorry, and i probably won't be for at least a few days.   

woop woop

it bothers me to a certain degree that one of my friends just bought a balenciaga purse. she can afford it now that she works full time, which is good on her. i don't mind.

i just think about my mother staring longingly at the display case in neiman marcus.

so fyi, once i start working full time, that's what you're getting! :)

it does seem like a lot, doesnt it? until you realize that's what you'll probably make in one week.

i cannot wait until i can start spoiling my parents.

possibly i'm going crazy

so apparently each of these four algorithms on one of my homework problems takes around 4-5 hours. IT IS ON. IT IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. BRING IT.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THIS VEHICLE ROUTE MY BITCH.

[WAR CRY]

how to win friends and influence people

dear self,

be mature. be mature. don't ignore your group members because they ignored you and started doing useless shit. talk to him. be mature. you're better than that.


 ...
 ...


maybe i'll reply in an hour or two

we would take trips but never pictures

ok. so this is srs business, because i had a warehousing project review in one of the isye conference rooms and the entire time all i could think of was how fucking awesome these chairs were. they were ergonomically designed. they were soft and cushiony, and they leaned back like they were designed to. they were heaven. i wanted to marry this chair. i wanted to make a shrine for this chair. i wanted to buy this chair nice things for the awesomeness it bestowed upon me.

mostly, i wanted to get on the floor and check the tag because i'm sure this upwards of 200 dollar chair would be making an appearance in my house once i have a full time job/am rich enough to afford it. alas, this is impossible with so many people around, includin gyour professor. i also thought about stealing it, but that would maybe be impossible too. with people around.

oh god i need to plot.

---

you give pieces of yourself away. you get some in exchange. the rate of exchange is incidentally never equal, and life is learning how to be okay with that.

--

can boys stop being such little bitches? seriously. i'm sorry i dated your brother and he ended up finding another girlfriend he's now super happy with. please maybe acknowledge me when i say hi to you! :)

 i'm sorry we ended up not doing as well as you expected us to in senior design. we got an A and almost made finalist! please talk to me. i'll be calling you tomorrow and demanding you be my friend again. BE MY FRIEND AGAIN OMG


sorry i-- well, actually, you are just an unpleasant person. i think you just don't like me, and that happens with everyone. sometimes you just have a feeling about someone, and nah, i can't begrudge you that. though on the whole, i would consider the circumstance of you sucking to be more of a bad thing for you, really. because my feelings get hurt whenever i talk to you, but you? suck. and that's unfortunate.


yeah, i dont understand. it actually takes more effort to be unfriendly and to go out of your way. though i guess if you are pissed at a person, it's deemed worth it. maybe once i get the balls, i'll stop bitching about it on blogspot and deal with it the normal way. w00

shoot it's late.


HAIRCUT TOMORROW

truer words never spoken

"this is not a song. it's a mathematical equation. designed to make every girl who hears it melt."

_hirthy, on john mayer's Gravity

hahahaha [is bricked]

the best advice i can try to follow, and that i advise others to take up:

stop being a little bitch.

now, you may think me insincere. but let's think about this for a second. 

if we all stopped being bitches, can you imagine how much better life would be? how much more we would get along? it would actually probably contribute way more to society and friendships and personal relationships, and what not. 

and if you're a girl, you're not excluded. you can keep this in mind as well. 

i got a girl but you look good tonight

have you ever, ever, ever, even once in your life, allowed yourself to be vulnerable with someone?

c.s. lewis said, to love at all is to be vulnerable.

now, i didn't say stupid. if homeboy be lookin' at other girls left and right, you better dump his ass.

but, well...to give of yourself to someone. it's not trusting that they won't break your heart, because that's naive.

whatever, idk, i'll think about it later

fragmented and tampered

it's not that they "know" you or "understand you" more than anyone else. they're not magical, or better than any of the rest.

you just want them to, and so that's who you tell your shit to. you want them to know your favorite kind of cookie, your favorite color, your childhood memories. your dreams.

so, that's what that is. don't be fooled into thinking it's different. it's not different. they are.

(to you)

rebuilding and cleaning

we date people we look like, and people on the same level of attractiveness, usually. with a few exceptions, but when have there not been exceptions?

so many many times, i'll see people who used to like me or still do or idek what and they'll have pix of past or current girlfriends. it always corroborates with aforementioned law of numbers, and then i'm like, well where do i fit in?

i look nothing like any of you, or your types.

the true problem is possibly this: maybe i don't believe myself worthy of the kind of love i want.

just some food for thought as i try to finish this damn homework

i want to lull you to sleep whispering my favorite french poems into the crook of your shoulder.

fun in advanced engr econ

[insert complicated things here]
Hackman: so i offer you instead of the market price of 18.18, C portfolio choice at $18. you buy it, the next day, p=0.8 of the market increasing to 125 from 100. what are you gonna want from me? the 25 dollar profit, right? so what can we conclude about the consumer and the seller?
m.s. from germany: *makes a driving steering wheel motion with two hands*
Hackman: what... what is that. *makes it too*
m.s. from germany: it means "i screw you"

[presumably in second language accented english, that he got a better deal out of it than if he had bought at 18.18. or, hilariously.]

Hackman: so tomorrow morning, you're going to call me up and say "dr. hackman, i screwed you."

Hackman: so, you would be [snicker] basking in the glow, so to speak, in the sense that you would be gloating.


this class is, collectively, five years old. too busy cracking up to mind too much.

i probably can't make this any clearer

I LIKE YOU.

round and round and round

i believe:

• homosexuality is not a sin
• you don't need to be baptized to get into heaven
•               -(though you should be baptized if you believe)
• women can and should be pastors or religious leaders
• sex is something incredibly intimate between two people dedicated to spend their life together
• straight divorce should be fixed before gay marriage 
• abortion should be allowed if the mother was raped and/or unable to provide for the child
• marijuana should be legalized
• the death sentence should be illegal 

maybe people don't want to stir the waters, and step out of the safe bunkers of neutrality. but if you have a belief and you are too afraid to stand up for it, then you don't deserve to believe in it.

*assuming, you know, you're not gonna be killed by the government or taliban militants or something.

i realized i forgot

to link this from the lyrics last time 0.0

.019

being unable to escape fondness in my heart

for you, and having forfeit the rights to any sympathy

regarding the matter

we continue dancing a bittersweet maze

around each other

as echoes of doorknocks and telephone rings

swell impossibly larger, then disperse

like waves on weathered cliffs.

woowwwww

Welcome to my world's most relevant song atm.

We did what we could
To save this house from falling
But it burns because it's wood
And now you'll never call me darling

I coughed your name
I smoked all day
And I slept myself sleepy
I was sleeping it away

Don't let it burn
Don't get confused
Don't let it get to you

We did what we could
To save this car from crashing
Your pretty face is soaked in blood
You know, I still find you dashing

Airbag suffocates
You need a little space
The rain on the windshield
I watched you limp away

Doesn't have to hurt
Don't get confused
Don't let it bother you
Don't try to call you'll lose it all
You get used to her bad news,
It's just bad news

ohhhhh lawdy. 8ams.

Well i trip over everything you say

we lie, we lie together

but not too close

BLOCKS OF GRAPHITE

I MUST HAVE MORE AND MORE BLOCKS OF GRAPHITE

IN EVER INCREASING AMOUNTS

you are driving me crazy

I GIVE UP

I AM THROWING IN THE TOWEL

i gotta feelin (woooohoooo)

i love that there are traces of other people in us.

like it's because of your father that you like gouda cheese, or listen to fleetwood mac and tom jones. because of my brother, i eat my eggs over easy with soy sauce and listen to dr. dre.

we keep parts of those that changed us, for better or worse.

neato.

first things first

god, i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE playing blu & exile at under the couch. that subwoofer makes it sound so good, unlike anything ever. better than speakers, headphones, whatever the heck else. SUBWOOFER WIN it is AMAZING.

there's this girl lauren that i work with whom i absolutely adore. what is it about people named lauren? i adore all my lauren friends. <3 <3

who would have thought i'd still be hanging out with jennifer from senior design? it's lovely. we're pretty much awesome.

going apple picking, to the apple festival tomorrow with jeff!!!!!! so super excited. i totally love this autumn hay ride apple butter pumpkin picking bonfire shit. i do wish more people could come along, but why make people do what they dont wanna do? missing out is a spectrum. as long as i'm somewhere on that side, i'm happy. HAUNTED CORN MAZE WOOT i have a feeling this is going to be epic funs.

also, i was thinking, generally speaking, person to person,

i would probably be okay with someone dating other people if they were ok with me dating other people.

which is to say, if they felt nothing anymore, i think i'd let it go.

is that strange?


APPLE FESTIVAL I'M SO EXCITED GUYS

PREPARING OUR PICNIC AS WE SPEAK

jesus christ. you're killin' me here, sweetheart.

life lesson 2741

you know that whole, ask a random question, get a random answer?

we reciprocate that which is directed at us, concerning all facets.

the world, large as it is and small as it is, gives me hope. if we hadn't met already, it would only have been a matter of time.

it's always a matter of time.

oh man...

it's fall!!!

let the sartorial experimentation resume.

(on non test days)

(or the day before those)

dear self,

you're getting a little pathetic. you should try to stop it soon.

and just because those arcs are bidirectional doesn't mean you can just write down things willy nilly. you're not a ph.d student okay.

plz to get it together.

sincerely,
self2

ouch. brick to the head

"The hardest of all is learning to be a well of affection, and not a fountain; to show them we love them not when we feel like it, but when they do." 
_Nan fairbrother

I got so caught up in self preservation that I forgot this.

probably

I AM NOT JEALOUS OK

my room is full of your shit. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN, I BLAME YOU

GRATUITOUS CAPS LOCK.  WE'RE FRIENDS WHY WOULD IT BOTHER ME

whatever. i actually blame me.

i've got better things to do than look after shit that i don't own.

but i won't be at the phone

 ie6203 transportation, aka the class from hell.

sometimes the situation is so dire that all you can really do is step it up.

--tomorrow.

tonight i'm getting beer with a friend who needs it just as much as i do.

jeebz.

buh.

still the stuttering.
inject inflection to your tone, and
carefully, peel up the layers of a heist
in which precious beats are made off with.
so erratic, they, and more fool you.
ring the bells and drink your tea
in dark afternoons of threadbare rooms
imagine, missing your creativity,
j'en ai rien a foutre, vous avez dit

et et et moi non plus.

and then, before shy eyes start shuttering
and your stills keep stuttering
change. and winds of.
and trickles of greed, which you respect not.

levity

i'm not jealous. i would rather eat my shorts than admit that. i don't get jealous.

fuck that shit.

do we get no points for the try?

grad school makes me feel really stupid.

strangely enough, this didn't happen that much in undergrad.


i feel like lately, i've been even more awkward and unprepared and inefficient than normal. like it's really hard to do things right. like i can't speak to people, or express myself, or do my damn laundry. like i need people to step in for me or take care of me, and make no mistake; they do so wonderfully.

the words just seem stuck in my brain and they can't get out past my stuttering lips, until i sit down and type it out on a computer. jebus.

i just have never been good with speaking, or first impressions, or whatever the fuck else. but i can take care of myself, and the people i care about, and i can get my shit done.

i probably CAN'T: be unawkward. but that's just who i am, and i'm gonna have to square with that one way or the other, and so is everyone else, because that's who i am. oh, or tall. i also probably can't be tall. honestly, for the amount of time people dwell on it, you'd think it was new. like OH MY GOD i am short, you don't say! i've never heard that one before!

拜託.

tell me something useful for a change, like how to stop being so scared. how to stop running. how to stop sabotaging myself. how to stop treating people like shit.

but i digress.

it's probably time to strive for a little more competency.

you can do better than me.

don't break the rules, son.

when you're at a show, you gotta dance. move around a little.

this is cardinal rule number 1.

unless it's like, shoegaze or whatever, but fuck that.

it's so much less fun if you just stand around.

and then no one wants to stand next to you either, because it's that much harder to get into it when you're standing next to the guy who's no fun.

yeasayer was really really good. they played red cave, so my life was pretty much complete. best line ever:

i'm so happy to have spent the time
with my family, and the friends i love
in my short life, i have met
so many people i deeply care for.

god, mike and his roommates are so cool. they're all like. talented musicians and listening to them jam is just really awesome. ahhhh hirthy. what am i going to do with you. idek

oh man, it's late. ok . ok sleep time

george michael in the hizzouse

you know, i could probably keep up the charade if i wanted to. but probably not. nous sommes tellement différents, n'est-ce pas?

it kind of hurts.

hopefully i can find my voice one day.


in other news, my friday:

1. hw
2. laundry
3.
4.
5. profit??? :D

you know that girl dancing in really weird clothes at the laundromat? totally gonna be me.

like a fucking beacon in the night

i have no food in my apartment.

i have resorted to desperate measures.

i'm not going to tell you what they are.

OH MY GOD I HAVE LEFTOVER SWEET TEA FROM JIMMY JOHNS

THE DAY IS SAVED

economic decision analysis

i could be cleaning my kitchen. for some reason it smells gross and i swear i am gonna fix it one way or another.

or, i could be doing my shit that i have due tomorrow. or.... not

so, i was wondering.

are you allowed to be happy when you know you shouldn't be? when that married 20-something woman who works at the cafe smiles at you, or your best friend's boyfriend, is it okay to let that not-quite-hope bloom in your chest?

where is the line? what's allowed?

because of course you know you shouldn't. but happiness is happiness, and for such a short time as 80-something years, do we just say fuck it? we take what small pleasure we can find, wherever it is?

i'm of two minds on the matter. sometimes it just leads to no good, and everyone knows it.

but i've always been prone to needlessly complicating things. maybe i should just give  it a rest.
if there is one thing i have learned, it's that everything comes at a price.


take what you want and pay for it.

pen in hand

my life is currently a freaking t.s. eliot poem.

i know you're displeased with me.

i'm sorry.

even though you don't look at me anymore,

i still find you utterly captivating.

all we've got tonight

before this school year is over, i'm going to heavyatl.

don't exactly know when, or how, since i lack that particular friend set. and a fucking car

but it's gonna happen, so.

there.

does no one else have wanderlust? 

take it slowwoaahhhhhh

so i'm 22.
i spent my first year being legal in beer bars and the occasional show?

can we spend this year getting wasted and going to graveyard tavern and electro-hop dance parties? cuz i like those too.

who knows?

try everything once. or twice.

i need people willing to do new things. WHERE

greed in excess

i should just leave well enough alone.

i got what i asked for

and now i let go.

know what i mean, boys?

today prof. hackman smiled hi to me when he entered the classroom. he's one of those professors that really likes putting people on the spot, you know? he'll randomly go "and that's project valuation, guys. andrew, are you eating? what are you eating? man, that's healthy. i like tomatoes too!"

he knows my name, and he asked where i went for undergrad. by going here, i feel like i have something to live up to.

despite the dead-on impression of a deer in headlights look that i do when he calls on me (and he does so often), he seems to tolerate(? like?) me.

so you know what, hackman?

i am going to ace the fucking shit out of this class for you.

peer evaluation

wasn't prepared for that hot curl of jealousy, low and steady in the pit of my stomach. wrapping itself around my vocal chords.

but you know what they say.

keep kicking ass and being awesome.

oh...that's not what they say?

sucks for them, i suppose



but actually, you know what i realized?

we have no claim to the things we have no claim to.

we all still grasp as desperately as we can.

get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute

i started running again!! it feels so good. especially the day after, when you're pretty sore. love it love it love it.

the grass outside 8th street << grass in front of the love building. we did get in some quality grass rolling time though! that has got to be like the funnest activity in the history of the world that involves grass!

you know, among the things i'll never understand is the fact that all my post doc researchers from the physics institute? they go on facebook to play cafeworld. i just. what is this even.


so my roommate walked in at the exact moment i clicked on one of my internet friends' links that may or may not have involved a tom hardy picspam. damn, was that awkward. but considering the conversation went
bobo: hey, have you seen this buzzbags advertisement? they're offering money for eggs. i thought they meant chicken eggs?
me: .........

i'm just gonna consider that whole 3 minute exchange a wash and forget about it, possibly for  the rest of my life.


my engr econ prof really likes asking us things and saying "if you dont get it/if you can't do it by now, see me after class. because there are a few things you can do, but continuing this course isn't one of them."

this is me in a foetal position on the floor of the IC: orz

yes, i did just use the english spelling for that. i think it makes me more distinguished. is it working?

here's something.

no matter what i feel about you

i will never criticize you sincerely

and tell you you aren't important to me

not because i am against honesty

or because i am weak

but because as humans,

we never forget it.

life is too short

and there is no time for that kind of

lasting pain.

I'M OUT OF COOKIES

exerpts from a book written in my head

love, for me, will always be this: reconciling the desire to be close enough to someone that your souls are intertwined--with the thought that you are satisfied being a minute blip in their world.

make no mistake: i want to lick the tiny dip on the back of your neck, and kiss the wrinkles around your eyes and know you so completely that your competence no longer intimidates me.

i could go on for years just passing you in the hallway, marveling that you know who i am. never wanting more, just hoping for your quick smile.

it will always be this contradiction. i will never know which one, or how it's possible to feel both.

but i love you.

as long as i know that, i don't need to bother too much with the whys and hows.

maybe they were important, once, long ago, but no longer now.

life lesson no.284

i think one of the biggest lessons in life that we can learn is that we are happy to do things for those that we love. in the same way, we must understand that others are capable of feeling the same towards us, and we mustn't take that lightly.

i think i have very strange relationships with people in my life.

one is strangely domestic.

• 
  
• fuck i am SO 
• 
  
• BEHIND

ok... now what do i do?

all the possibilities, i'm sure you've heard

that's what you get when you let your heart win

how to pick girls up in an elevator

hahaha the look of derision on his face when i mentioned isye, and how quickly it slid off when i mentioned being a grad student. actually pretty hilarious.

also, not a sno cone's chance in hell.

(sno cones are more delicious than snowballs.)

ugh, terribly obvious

huh.

UNTIL THEN, LALALALALA





in other news, someone should rename grad school "That Place Where You Learn To Babysit Socially Inept Indians and Talk to Foreigners"

that is all.

pay no mind

so at student center training, mike and i switched name tags. i had nowhere to stick it after it was over, so i put it on my wallet. after being like HAY LOOK today, he was like "i stuck mine on my external hard drive :D" and i was like :O you didnt throw it away! so his external is probably named janet now.

mike is pretty much the best thing ever :)

costs nothing but change

I think I'm mostly better now! Not really sure what better is, tbh. But thanks to everyone who was patient with me while I complained my ass off. And bought me donuts or dinner or generally stuffed food in my mouth so I would stop eating half a meal per day. Part of it nags at me while I wonder, well, do you not care about those possibilities anymore? Because to appreciate your time here, you almost have to forget your time there. ('Look back fondly' 你的頭.) But it really meant that much to me, and I can't begrudge it that, I suppose.

Today is a brand new day.

hold on, sweetheart

domestic shit. gets me every time, haha

ETA

i ate properly! the first time since i've been back that i felt full. with the help of my parents and like 6 mainland chinese people, 4 of whose names i still do not know.  parents and i went to yeah!burger. it was great! if very expensive. 900NT, are you serious? for 3 burgers?! but yeah. i was totally ready to just cook a simple meal tonight, when my roommate and a bunch of her friends were like [TAKE OVER KITCHEN WITH MAINLAND ACCENTS AND HEAVILY INFLUENCED CHINESE COOKING] and then they looked at me and before i knew it i was sitting down at a table with them eating a bunch of food.

dreams i have had not involving taiwan: 0.5 (i dont remember it. also, 0.5>0, so i'm counting it as a win)



progress!

Hope

You can't stay sad forever.

dear taiwan

i miss you more than words can say.

i know we get used to it all, and i cried for a week when first went to peoria.

but even though you were hot and i got bitten by your mosquitoes 837264723 times, you had by far some of the most delicious food i've ever eaten in my life. some of the best company, highest highs, prettiest views, funnest times.

there is never any time to be a part of all the lives you want to be a part of.

i would love to be around when kuan kuan gets married next year, or watch zhang buo finally get a girlfriend, and follow around yeh buo with stars in my eyes for the next n years. and go clubbing with bruce and fiona and eat brunch with them the next day, when we're all fucked up but not in the fun way. wave bye to my favorite nightguard every day on my way out. meet up at hi-life every day after that noodle place that sells pork blood soup and pig intestines.

god, how wonderful people can be.

why do i always get so much more attached than other people? i really kinda wish it would stop.



we'll just make do.

love in its forms

i have eaten more than i ever could have imagined.

shida, shilin, raohe night markets. bistro O, ximen hookah bars. insomnia, brown sugar lounge. barbados pregaming. all of dong qu, god, all of it. zhonxiao dunhua, in all its glory like a fucking hot mess. the tattooed subculture behind those streets, unforgettable. xiaobitan, bali, dansui, maokong, the very very top of yangminsan. eating barbeque corn by the shore, watching as miles and miles of blue pass you by from the car. coffeehouse after coffeehouse perched on the edges of the coastline. it looked like what you'd imagine heaven to be. or what i would. nothing but clean lines so blue it makes you thirsty. a bright umbrella to shade you and a small cup of coffee to keep you. watching this beautiful sunset more orange than i've ever seen.

you did good, taipei. fist bump.

T_____T

this was nice. a reprieve from the real world, where every day is fun and more fun.

i've grown so used to it that i started expecting it, and grad classes are depressing the fuck out of me on top of the ttt leaving part.

but i need to get back to reality and take responsibility again.

let's drink to the summer. 超 EPIC.

fun time's over, but damn was it good while it lasted.

ehhh

there was this quote once that i forget. it's at home! and i'm not. so i'll look it up later.

the hard part about loving someone is that you love them not when it's convenient and not on your timetable, but on theirs.

or something like that.

you just do what you do. whether they love you back or not

really shouldnt have any effect on how much you love them.

i'm sure to some extent everyone uses everyone else, but, how stupid is the Ultimatum.

try, if you deem them worthy.

leave when the feeling is gone, and not a second before.

偉

let me have my crush for just a little bit longer.

when i get back i'll look for someone less mature and awesome and capable and probably infinitely more attainable.

but for now i want all of these things and it's exciting.

we're always striving to become worthy of those we pursue.

you? you live up to your name and then some.

i will go ahead and let my friend's 4 lines speak for everyone.

verochen0921: i dind't have enough time!!!
i am so pissed now
with everythikng
i didn't have enough time



ugh. all of a sudden i miss everyone. and i'm still here.

there's nothing quite like the feeling of time escaping while you are gripping onto the last vestiges of it. anyone who's taken a final at tech knows what i'm talking about.

one more week

school starts soon.

not ready to let go.

fuck

"time flies, man."
--my dad

i burst out laughing right then and there.

life lesson no. 7462

if you know you're going to regret not doing it when you go back, and you're still there, common sense dictates you should do it.

YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm scared.




eta: (but fear is better than regret)

bare boned and crazy

oh my god i am crushing so hard.

i wanna stare at the planes of your face and the curve of your cheekbones down to the bow of your lips.

instead i stare at the tiny goldfish you keep in the tank above the cabinet.

fuck.

different names for the same thing

power to you, the tourist. in your floral hawaiian t shirt, and your road map and your absolutely misguided determination to visit overrated landmarks.

because your home is somewhere, and you understand that you can only have one and the world is not that small.

so maybe they'll look down on you because you havent lived like a local and you don't know where to go. but life is too short to belong everywhere. all you can do is fill your head with as much beauty as you can, for as long as you can, with as much as you have.

being a local is only half the fun.

go and explore.

I am compiling

pictures of everyone I have ever loved. half heartedly, wholeheartedly, secretly, gloriously, for love's own sake and expecting nothing back.

that includes you, sean the diesel mechanic from missouri who dipped tobacco and leaned down to catch my face clearly in the dark.

and you, boy i fell in love with at first meeting and never saw again.

and you, tim, for what a nice run it was, with your open face and worn in tees that smelled like laundry soap.

and much much more, from my brother to my sweetheart of a cousin to my second boyfriend and all in between.

then i'll print them out and put them in the large scrapbook i call my room.

WTF

construction was being did on my bus stop so i had to walk in the TAIWAN SUN like a mile away to go to the next one. i need  to find a solution fast because it's 10am and i'm exhausted and possibly dehydrated.

in other news,

Myles: lol
it's not important
also i was a farm hand
a sheep kicked me
wtf sheep
i was just trying to take your wool
not your skin
play nice

Today:

my first ever offer to ride on the back of a taiwanese boy's moped. CHYEAH

:3

TTT Orientation

There's too much to say about it, will probably have to devote a few hours to writing a blog on it next week or something.

there were a few things relationship wise that came up during whenever. they don't really have to do with orientation at all, so it's super random, but they really moved me with their deceptive simplicity:

one of the guys said this while he was drunkenly slinging his arm around his complicated is it isnt it sort of-girlfriend. it struck me as the truest and possibly most wonderful thing about relationships that i'd heard in a long time: 她是我的.

we were also talking with our counselors about whatever, and the topic of what you look for in a guy came up. she said this, roughly translated: i look for someone whom, when i see them, i can see myself marrying. ahhhhhhh one of those a ha moments, huh?

since time is so short,

oh taiwanese boys. why so cute? :<

off to get breakfast. gonna try the peanut drink cold this time! and radish cakes.

i woke up today and thought, i really really want to have fun tomorrow. i hope orientation will be great. and if half the circumstance is disposition, let the battle be half won.

LOL that sounded so fucking poetic, huh? i am a BALLER like that. or uber lame.

HUNGRY TIEMZ

aw, man

damn, i am crushing so hard...
eta: having adequate amounts of fun in taiwan. :)

food for thought

if i were a vulgar guy, i would say i just came in my pants.

but, you know, i'm not.

what's your name, what's your name?

a classic case of Just Another Pretty Face.

don't get your panties in a twist.

damn those half half boys. should be illegal, how cool they are.

to claim (v.)

いいよ。

CTFD

We humans are all so very territorial, huh.

need more cillian murphy

I leave in 6 days for taiwan.

A FINE TIME TO START THINKING ASIAN BOYS ARE CUTE.

This is going to suck!! All the boys are so cute there >:|

I blame asian dramas. It was like a fucking gateway drug.

we all have to get stronger

i won't ever understand how we as people can coexist after our relationships have been irrevocably changed: makeups, breakups, jealousies, triangles, betrayals, letdowns...

the only explanation i can come up with is that any and all involved parties have ceased to care about it. (not to say that they don't care about each other. but also not to say that they necessarily do.)

does this work? or are we all just fooling ourselves? my ignorance these days seems to know no bounds.

apathy has always seemed to be the last frontier in which memories are given significance. long enough, and they eventually mean nothing.

is it better? is being on friendly terms worth discounting the memories and emotions that caused them to be on bad terms?

does this work?




..actually, fuck that. i'm not fucking around with any of this shit, it's a fucking zoo in here. where's my nintendo?

superficial post is superficial

i watched this drama called Atashinchi no Danshi and long story short, i totally think asian boys are attractive again. WTF

relapse into 2008, only replace nishikido ryo with kaname jun. BUT THEY LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER?

clearly i either need to stop watching dramas or find a nongirly hot japanese boyfriend

in other news, quote of the day:

Daniel: i will conquest of asian women
through enourmous SC placeings

rules don't stop

oh thank fuck i have plans tonight.

i was beginning to wallow in my own pathetic-ness despite carrying on a pretty regular conversation with sang, regular being par for the course insults and snark.

off to my favorite beer bar with emily! hello porter. hello, hitachino. <3

your face all aglow

makes me long for the crisp, broody shock of autumn. but we savor summer as long as we do.

Have regrets. They are fuel. On the page they flare into desire.

_geoff dyer

aka the other transcendentalist

all my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.

_ralph waldo emerson

more facebook shenanigans

on one hand, i can see it. when you've lost someone, you want the whole world to know who they were. you don't want anyone to forget, least of all yourself. or what they meant to you.

on the other hand, i can't understand. especially for the loss of life.. grief has always seemed to me such a private thing.

tl;dr

restless waiting.  dragging out a slow death while knowing the end game is making me twitchy and full of anxiety. i want nothing more than to do something, and yet i can't. currently in limbo.


tattoos intrigue me. i've resolved to get one sometime, but require more thought on where. i also can't help but think people who get them, with their proud pictures on facebook, are incredibly stupid. trust me, i'm all for it. i actually thought that tribal pikachu on your forearm was kinda cool. and those gothic wings that cover your entire back? really, really hot.

do people think before they do these things? what about your wedding dress, or company dinners or things like that? are you going to deal that inconvenience forever to gain the lust of more boys in our too-short youth? it's not unheard of, i suppose. but these people won't necessarily be working in the corporate field, where rolling up your collared shirt would be a great thing to do. or maybe having a tattoo will make them more interesting at their wedding. idk. for me, the cost is too high. more deliberation required.


i'm trying to do one thing a day that scares me, inspired by baz luhrmann's sunscreen song. i think it'll be good. it's been good. i can look back and think of situations where if i had said to myself, 'hey, remember this can be your thing for today!" i know i wouldnt have regretted it.

sometimes it's stupid shit, like working up the nerve to talk to someone i think is interesting, or throwing caution to the wind. sometimes it doesn't really matter if i do it or not, except for tiny little parts in you that become glad you did it. other times, you realize there's a reason you were scared to do it. that doing shit like this is not always going to pay off. awkward silences, funny stares, near car crash misses.

idk, it was just a thought. this past week has been interesting, to say the least. never before, i think, have i felt conflicted so many times and then ruled in favor of  'ok'. when before the ideas would have been shut down with no room even for debate or indecision.

it's somewhat of a horrible feeling. but we press on, and i'd rather feel it every day, for what it brings me.

you're stuck in my mind all the time

fuck, how is this so beautiful?

THE SHOW

jukebox was amazing. i'm kind of in love with the pianist, he played all those octaves so fast and accurately!! i wonder if he was classically trained. mini tigers was only okay, but not bad at all. at first i was surprised that free energy was headlining...and then they started and it was so fucking loud and fun and awesome that i was like oh. ok. awesome!!

it was their farewell gig that marked the end of their tour together, so for all 3 bands, members of the other bands would get up on stage and play tambourines and shit. it was so cute! everyone just rocking out having a good time. when free energy did it, i got to jump onstage and play some weird rainmaker that mini tigers used. it was kinda awkward lol but so much fun! I GOT TO DANCE ONSTAGE AT THE STAR BAR, GUYS. I DONT EVEN KNOW.

probably the best concert i've ever been to, for sheer good times.

i love star bar. the show was completely amazing.

COMPLETELY AMAZING.

everybody's changing

could not be more transparent if you tried

I'm sick of just listening to music.

Time to dance.

thought837

i was talking to someone over video chat since they are not currently in georgia, and hang out tiemz are hard with anyone anyway in the summer. staring at the tinny screen and listening to the click clack of the keyboard, i felt this immediate rush of fondness.

i am so very lucky to know the people that i know.

there i go again!

There's this masquerade/birthday party thing going on tomorrow, should be fun tiemz. Lpei and I are gonna go to l5p and pick out some cute masks, but I don't think I have enough to get some wacky costume haha. Yay for meeting more architecture people? Those people are crazy SOBs with amazing photos and great fashion sense. Also hopefully I get to hang out with Steven before he leaves for new york too.

Hey friend, here was a time you would call me from there, frustrated and feeling like an idiot. You never did like it. I suppose it's not my place anymore, but I would have liked to sit and talk to you for a bit, and commiserate. Sorry hun, I know airports suck.

It feels strange playing mg2 without emily, because player2 can kill enemies and get 1ups for you and freeze fire and bullet bills and stuff. It's so much harder when there's just one person D:

Time to go hang out with Jun!

today's title is the mario galaxy 2 theme song

Being satisfied with life is bullshit.

I want more. I want everything. I wanna do one thing every day that scares me.

Cuz it sucks, always wanting. It emphasizes what you don't have.

But at least you try to get it, and even if you don't it's so much better than not having anything at all.

The hardest part is that ache, you know? Looking at other people and wanting their faces, their experiences, their lives. It gets you places. Maybe not the same places; maybe it's just some sort of mediocre attempt of show. And it's especially bitter to swallow, because some things are just out of your reach. But it gets you places.

I like places. Places is better than square one.

stargazer

pretty close to throwing in my lot with the post rock bitches.

omg

Daniel: omg cook me dinner
hangry
Sent at 7:58 PM on Wednesday

me: no you are playing starcraft i am resentful
Sent at 8:23 PM on Wednesday

hahaha this is pretty much it, in a nutshell

trufax

it's no use being jealous.
some days you're ahead, some days you're behind.
i guess you just do what you can with what you have, in the time you have.

eet

too many things going on in my head, and also, i wish i were still in midtown so i could be partying it up on a friday night. instead i went to target with my parents.

HOW DID I SURVIVE 3 YEARS OF GOING HOME ON WEEKENDS? or i suppose more accurately, why didnt i meet jennifer in my freshman year D:

on the flip side, i hear beer + carbonated lemonade is really good. time to try.

places to go

I dreamt of the maldives last night, and it was blue beyond beauty, but every time I dream of water it soon enough turns gray and threatening, kind of like it can be in real life. Like something incredibly powerful and terrifying; but just like how things are bluer, in my dreams the water reaches the sky.

It wasn't really a nightmare because for some reason, dream!self rationalized that --worst case scenario-- it would be too poetic a way to go.

I also dreamt of cartoon white beluga whales in Zelda ice caverns, so. That was pretty cool.

You know when someone you love hurts you, and it's that much deeper because you love them? and when they come back saying sorry, you know you should be angrier but for the life of you, you just can't be. because of the same reason that they had any sort of affect on you in the first place. their apology is good enough, even when logically it shouldnt be. even when you know they'll hurt you again because they're just the type of people who are prone to harsh words, or condescension, or pride. so that was my brother this weekend. it's strange, feeling all the anger rush out of me, dissipating at his quick emailed sorry. even stranger, considering the vague bitterness that it had that effect, and that will again no matter how many times it happens in the future. love is love, and it's unfair in all directions. in this respect, i think this is the closest i'll ever get to understanding God and His grace towards us.

memo

omg guys, give it a rest.

on top of that, this:

everyone needs to calm the fuck down.

fading testaments

i'm sore in places that have rarely been sore before. insoles, underarms, ribs, shoulders. i've got bruises in places and i dont know how i got them, and scratches that maybe i remember getting. odds i'm right are 50/50. i've gone to sleep when the sun was almost breaking, kept a steady buzz off rum, vodka and beer for hours and hours, and done more in one weekend than i usually do in four. camera stores, funky shops, playgrounds, gardens, parks, popsicle stands, acoustic shows, beer bars, trinket stands, record stores, taquerias and spawning more overlords? that last one was vicariously of course.

i want this always.

we've got everything

so senior design final presentations! i've already said it like a million times, but i'll say it once more: SABOTAGE. actually, just technical malfunction, but it sounds cooler if i say SABOTAGE.

went to sweetwater brewery after to celebrate (though we still have report, client presentation, work compilation left). it was p cool! i'd actually been longing to go since 2 weeks ago and then there i was! great.

jennifer and i then headed over to the street food extravaganza over at Souper Jenny's. the wine was drank, most things were gone. The gourmet popsicles sold out. oh well myles and i are gonna go soon anyway so GET YOUR FIX WHILE YOU CAN. www.kingofpops.net

ended up getting a hot dog on french toast bun with coleslaw, mustard, and maple syrup. sounds weird, but it was gourmet street food and also DELICIOUS.

then we headed to holeman and finch to kill an hour before their FAMOUS 10PM BURGERS. ohhhhhhh. they were good. they were very, very good.

i <3 jennifer. she takes me to all the places i've always wanted to go and plus she's super awesome and also LITERALLY ALL THE PLACES I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO. first carver's, and now h&f? she just keeps dropping shit into my atl foodie bucket list.

i think instead of bacchanalia (at $75 a head for 4 courses) we'll go to holeman and finch for graduation dinner. cheaper, and also maybe we'll save that for grad school graduation? or something special like mom's bday? damn, it was so, so good.

http://www.chowdownatlanta.com/holeman-finch/
http://blissfulglutton.com/holeman-finch-public-house-buckhead/

i'm skating a very thin line here.

on relationships

it's not enough to be so comfortable that you can stay the way you want together.

people need to be in relationships where their significant other makes them want to change. for the better. if you have chemistry with someone, if you have that special kind of love between you, they should foster your growth, and you theirs. because that's the basis of respect, where they are at a level where you are not. maybe it's finances. cleanliness. timeliness. maybe it's a certain stage in life. and maybe they are lacking something in turn that you can provide or teach them.

you should be with someone that makes you want to be a better person than you were yesterday.

everything else falls under this category. love them enough. care for them. or just be there, and have your presence irrationally influence them with no action on your part. these are your sole duties to each other; you seem to need little else.


also, i really want a sam smith's right now. or a hoegaarden. ughhh beeeeer i wants it.

silhouettes

i've got a cupboard with cans of food
filtered water, and pictures of you
and i'm not coming out until this is all over.

take it home

it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate

thus sayeth manchester orchestra

I don't know what to do
not anymore, not anymore

and you,
well you mean
everything

1

a fluorescent room
bidding goodbye to secret
possibilities

"Dear Nintendo, We need a new Mario game, where you rescue the princess in the first ten minutes, and for the rest of the game you try and push down that sick feeling in your stomach that she’s ‘damaged goods’, a concept detailed again and again in the profoundly sex negative instruction booklet, and when Luigi makes a crack about her and Bowser, you break his nose and immediately regret it. When Peach asks you, in the quiet of her mushroom castle bedroom ‘do you still love me?’ you pretend to be asleep. You press the A button rhythmically, to control your breath, keep it even."
— Joey Comeau

wat the eff is going on.

my head is about to explode.

here and there

There are times when it's no longer acceptable to be incompetent. mostly, this is when you are in a group of people who are a) all better than you, or b) all worse than you. As the 2 projects + senior design final stretch roll around, I find I'm involved in both types. Dammit. It would have been nice to laze around in mediocrity for a little while longer.

I really really want a PS2. For Katamari and Okami. Whether I want it enough to buy it remains unseen.

OMG my dad erased all my progress on twilight princess. It's true, last night I cried myself to sleep. Now I just stare forlornly at the wii console, involuntarily willing that damn skeleton chase in the sacred grove to have already happened. Oh no...the more I think about it, the more traumatized I get.

I'm gonna start beachbody insanity! Was gonna start on monday, but from the looks of things, it's gonna start on thursday...

The parents said yes to Taiwan. w00t

And that's about the day. Roommate dressing up and going out dinner tonight!

nannannananana katamari damacyyyyyyyyyy

observation

maybe i don't want to proclaim it from the rooftops.

it's enough the way it is, without all the publicity of facebook or whatever else.

the only person that needs to know already does.


and while we're on the topic of facebook?

your closest friends won't really use it, because they won't need to.

savannah

was fucking awesome, and we didnt even lose any kayaks this time.

a little tension here and there, and i suppose some complications, but i havent laughed that hard for that long all year.

so... beach trip?

cs lewis

“There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way.”

gap

at the end of the day, you want someone with whom you can be yourself.

this is important.

people change depending on who they're around. around cute people, you tend to be more cheery, around introspective people you feel freer about expressing your thoughts.

so if you find someone and you find you're just, you, then

maybe you should keep them.

holy fuck

did anyone ever play the rocketboys' 'signs' and hear it lead straight into 'heartbeat'?

jeebus.

something interesting

Steven said something yesterday during one of our phone calls that I'd never considered before, thought of in that way.

He said, when you truly like someone and you click with them in a way that you are both connected to each other, something happens. Other attractive people do not get uglier. They just go out of focus.

When he said that, I could immediately see how he was right, empirically. It really never occurred to me before he said it, though.

Other people, and how cute they are, do not change. It seems that your perspective of them changes in regards to who you're with. They become background noise.

I think that's super interesting. Don't you?

fake plastic trees

we're on to round two.

i suppose on some scale, i am viscerally aware of how pathetic that is.

on the other hand, i'm ordering jimmy johns tonight!

like ice in water

all i need is a place to call home
just some peace of mind
to make me feel whole
a breath or two may be
what i have been looking for
but my time is gone
like ice in water

time is all we have
and i have been collecting
i told you i was empty
and you said:

"time is all we have
and you were just collecting
memories of a few good things you love"

i want to make this all up to you
but i'm sorry for not wanting to be sorry
but lately i've been wondering
if i'm good enough
am i really gone
like ice in water?

time is all we have
and i have been collecting
i told you i was empty
and you said:

"time is all we have
and you were just collecting
memories of a few good things you love"

time is all we have
and i am just collecting

Sometimes it's just easier to lie.

can't take my eyes off of you

 you know that thing, right? that thing inside you that says, hey, pay attention. this is important. this is really, really important.

it's almost 2am. i wonder if it's too late.

------------------------------------------------------------------

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time

And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off of you


I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind...
My mind
My mind...

Till I find somebody new

exclusivity

 in context: the coding part of our optimization model's pretty much been taken over by andrew and ab, who do most of it and are fiercely protective of it. the rest of the scheduling team is like doop doop doop

. which leads to this conversation:

-------------------

Rustann: what do we have left to do?
besides a lot

me: haha
we could start on client slides
while andrew and ab talk in their Secret Coding Club
lol i kid
but i mean, might as well get it out of the way

Rustann: we could pass that off to winfield and dane
you think we could do EDD for glaze?

me:  you mean like connecting it to the matrix information?

Rustann: glaze has no washes i think
Rustann: we could form our own club

me: yeah let's do it
i'll bring the juice, you bring the cookies
we'd totally be way more awesome than their club
just sayin'.

Rustann: robes
!

me: oh damn
baller haha

Rustann: all or nothing
nut up or shut up


me: ok
we'll order the robes
you've convinced me

note to self

the kid is too young

matt, where is the water sprayer

THE KID IS TOO YOUNG

 ...

 
 
 
 
:<

personal opinionz

we're not old until the places we live stop being temporary housing. or other such things like that.
and that could be 23, or 27, or whenever you get married.

but make no mistake,

we're far from old. we just don't like to think of it that way because then we have to face that we're still young and immature.  at least i know i am.

you don't grow old with age. you become older when you have something to take responsibility for. your home. your kids. your wife/husband. tl;dr

observation 2

life is full of meantime people.

you know? the one you're with in the meantime, while you're waiting for someone who really matters.

fuck that shit.

why

has no one considered pairing cold sweet soy milk with tapioca bubbles? went to chinatown with daniel lpei and elliot today and now have some in my fridge. it's kind of awesome.

in other news: JCA LIVE '10 TOMORROW

ok LATA

exercise in futility

why do i even try?

it's not like anyone else compares.

it's not like anyone else even comes close.

Dear Self,

JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY.

no love,
J


In other news, I might give up soda for lent. I thought about my DS, but seriously guys. I have got a crap ton of flowers growing in animal crossing that will COMPLETELY WITHER AWAY in 40 days.

....

there's no way to make that sound any better, is there >_> maybe I need to admit I have an addiction. Maybe I need to give up kongregate.

In other other news, senior design interim reports are due next week and we are utterly, completely fucked.  Winfield wants to go get wasted after all of this. I am on my way to being on board with that. I'm bonding way more with Jennifer these days. Today we went to Ria's Bluebird, which was great :) cuz we get breakfast after our morning site visits. And possibly tomorrow we're going to Octane for their free wednesday beer tastings, should be interesting. Had my first Pabst a few weeks ago at Northside Tavern, that supremely sketchy place on howell mill that I was always intrigued by. ah yess....I'm feeling more hipstery already. [is bricked] kidddinggggg haha.

Brought my camera to school! I know what most of the buttons now do, which hey, I consider progress. Bisca and I are gonna wander around campus/possibly piedmont sometime soon and take some shots :)

You guys, I am actually trying to have a social life. The world may end.  Sublime caramel apple fritters are amazing and I'm sorry I waited until my fourth year to finally go in the store.

ok and cut cuz it's time to eat.

In a nutshell

Drew: alright, later. i love ya.

Denise: um, what was that?

Drew: that just sorta..slipped out

Denise: i'm just gonna assume that was the frosting talking, cuz, you know, that's not something i ever wanna hear. would you like to take that back?

Drew: yes please.

[closes the door behind him]
[opens it again]

Drew: hello again. yeah you know what? i don't wanna take it back. cuz it's the truth. from the second i met you, you've made everything in my life better. so, huh. yeah. i love ya.

eat some gingko and let the photos burn

I've run out of conversations to relive.

Even gmail has its limitations.

think i can use more expletives?

it's too fucking late

no seriously

it's fucking late

what the fuck

i need to manage time better

Intimidation du jour

It's sickening, how much I want.

I don't know anything.

And I still want everything.

the art of being undiscovered

Sometimes amidst all the secret criticism we have of ourselves, something like the squeeze of a hand reminds me that people are still good.

Their heart shines brightly in those few seconds and it catches you off guard.

Post mortem

Current favorite music artists:

• God is an astronaut
• This will destroy you
• Dr. Dre
• O'brother

 Of course, I realize this makes me seem like I'm trailing after someone else's music taste like a lovesick puppy. But I guess it could be worse. At least I'm not listening to Godspeed you! black emperor nonstop yet. Whatever, if we were condemned for our unoriginality we'd all be fucked.

va te faire foutre.

What's another year?

I was catching up on shows yesterday. and a movie, or something. Strangely enough, there was a common theme to some of them. In Psych, Girlfriend had to go to Uganda for 6 months+. This was, apparently, the end of the world.

All I could think of was, 6 months is done in the blink of an eye. Even when you're counting down the days, it goes by so fast. Who here remembers their senior fall semester? For me, it sped by. I still remember lazing around at home in the summer.

Maybe my perception of time has been skewed. 4 years of college have breezed past, and I can barely believe people I know, I met 3 years ago. 2 years ago. 5 years ago.

In the next 5 to 10 years, most of us will be well on our way to getting married. I won't be surprised at all if we blink and it's been half a decade.

So what is with all this 'i'm leaving for 4 months, plz to break up now'?

As much as it depresses me that maybe possibly we aren't living our lives the way they deserve to be lived, I think a part of me has changed in that I believe people were meant to grow old together.

One year is nothing. One year ago I was still crunching snow beneath my boots and damn if I don't still remember the smell of the midwest air or the weekend laundromat.

Being with somebody, if anything, makes the time pass by faster.

With the conviction of the utterly inexperienced and naive, I believe so much that if we can find someone we connect with on a deeper level, that we can see ourselves waking up next to for the rest of our lives-- we'll wake tomorrow and reach gnarled hands over to brush back grey hair and tell them it's morning.

RIP, salinger

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down.

That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.

_catcher in the rye

gmail status

Dane: Give me your data, i want to do things to it

Well don't stop calling

 you're the reason I love losing sleep.


p.s i am so freaking obsessed with phoenix's 1901 right now. wish i could stop listening to it ahhhhhhhh

look down, look up, look down

I only say that word for you

Gluey feathers on a flume

sometimes i think we can only say the most beautiful and painful and inexpressible things we feel in a language not our own.

and why not?

there is too much familiarity with our fluency to ever really give justice to our stumbling, irrational words.

they bleed all over paper streets,

soft, fickle, quick and dying.

I'm too busy

to afford being petty. I can't be my own person if I'm so caught up in what other people are being.

While I'm by no means a post rock bitch, I am quickly discovering it's a lot better than most of the new indie shit out there.

We are on the cusp of change. The stillness of the year, the past year, the past 4 years is slowly seeming like the calm before the storm.

Among other things, consideration was never any of our fortes. So it goes.

Lunch/hanging out with Graeme brought forth a discovery: Le petit prince pop up book. It exists.

better than the album version

such a fucking beautiful song.

OH MY GOSH

LISTEN TO THIS NOW.

quickly revising my opinion that post rock is not super duper awesome.

SRSLY LISTEN OK

pensées de fin de nuit

pour le moment, au moins
tu es irremplaçable.

ne t'inquiète pas
ta tristesse va bientôt s'arrêter

et moi, honnêtement, j'en ai marre.

on reste, en attendant pour la fin de ce chapitre.

alksdjfas

me: no you know what's funny
two peanuts were walking home late one night. one was assaulted

Matt: that's NUTS.

02. Methodology

Yohan: Instead of putting "aiming for a solution", you should just put "solution". You want to be confident, not just hoping.
Dane: Title it "God, I hope this works."

01. powerpoint slides

Winfield: Should we call it "root problems"?
Jennifer: Well, problem is probably a bad way to word it since things like breakdown and utilization are part of the system and unchangeable.
Me: How about 'present issues'?
Rusty: No no, go with constraints. Constraints works.
Dane: That's not entirely true, though, because they're not really constraining you. They're just fucking you.


 lolz

wh--

this is indescribable.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes
over the prairies and the deep trees
the mountains and the rivers
meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

direction determines destination pt. 2

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.
Alice: I don't much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go.



you have to know.

at the very least, you have to want to know.

direction determines destination

Sometimes i think it's easier to try and get an MRS than an MSIE.
but fuck that. you do what you do, and i'm gonna be an engineer.

so there

Enough enough enough of this INDIE SHIT.

I will probably not ever, ever get it.

Neon Indian is fucking horrible and sounds like all the other pretentious hipster shite out there.

Yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy/irony.

What is with making myself like these bands because they're SO AWESOME or whatever. Fuck that.

And also? Grizzly Bear is only SOMEWHAT OKAY. (Two Weeks. It gets a lot for Two Weeks.)

1pm breakfast

“Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching.”

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Leave your body where it lies

Whoa whoa whoa. O'brother is a really good band.

I think they're better than Manchester Orchestra.

Wow.

I'm blown away all over again.

let's go

lol substitute

because it's so easy, right?

dear abercrombie:

STILL TOO FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Sincerely,
J

also, happy new year to all! nothing like ringing in the year with expletives and materialism. lol i kid.

also also, you know you're a nerd when you use SMART method to write out your resolutions. because you know, goals based on management strategies always seem to be most efficient...