costs nothing but change

I think I'm mostly better now! Not really sure what better is, tbh. But thanks to everyone who was patient with me while I complained my ass off. And bought me donuts or dinner or generally stuffed food in my mouth so I would stop eating half a meal per day. Part of it nags at me while I wonder, well, do you not care about those possibilities anymore? Because to appreciate your time here, you almost have to forget your time there. ('Look back fondly' 你的頭.) But it really meant that much to me, and I can't begrudge it that, I suppose.

Today is a brand new day.

hold on, sweetheart

domestic shit. gets me every time, haha

ETA

i ate properly! the first time since i've been back that i felt full. with the help of my parents and like 6 mainland chinese people, 4 of whose names i still do not know.  parents and i went to yeah!burger. it was great! if very expensive. 900NT, are you serious? for 3 burgers?! but yeah. i was totally ready to just cook a simple meal tonight, when my roommate and a bunch of her friends were like [TAKE OVER KITCHEN WITH MAINLAND ACCENTS AND HEAVILY INFLUENCED CHINESE COOKING] and then they looked at me and before i knew it i was sitting down at a table with them eating a bunch of food.

dreams i have had not involving taiwan: 0.5 (i dont remember it. also, 0.5>0, so i'm counting it as a win)



progress!

Hope

You can't stay sad forever.

dear taiwan

i miss you more than words can say.

i know we get used to it all, and i cried for a week when first went to peoria.

but even though you were hot and i got bitten by your mosquitoes 837264723 times, you had by far some of the most delicious food i've ever eaten in my life. some of the best company, highest highs, prettiest views, funnest times.

there is never any time to be a part of all the lives you want to be a part of.

i would love to be around when kuan kuan gets married next year, or watch zhang buo finally get a girlfriend, and follow around yeh buo with stars in my eyes for the next n years. and go clubbing with bruce and fiona and eat brunch with them the next day, when we're all fucked up but not in the fun way. wave bye to my favorite nightguard every day on my way out. meet up at hi-life every day after that noodle place that sells pork blood soup and pig intestines.

god, how wonderful people can be.

why do i always get so much more attached than other people? i really kinda wish it would stop.



we'll just make do.

love in its forms

i have eaten more than i ever could have imagined.

shida, shilin, raohe night markets. bistro O, ximen hookah bars. insomnia, brown sugar lounge. barbados pregaming. all of dong qu, god, all of it. zhonxiao dunhua, in all its glory like a fucking hot mess. the tattooed subculture behind those streets, unforgettable. xiaobitan, bali, dansui, maokong, the very very top of yangminsan. eating barbeque corn by the shore, watching as miles and miles of blue pass you by from the car. coffeehouse after coffeehouse perched on the edges of the coastline. it looked like what you'd imagine heaven to be. or what i would. nothing but clean lines so blue it makes you thirsty. a bright umbrella to shade you and a small cup of coffee to keep you. watching this beautiful sunset more orange than i've ever seen.

you did good, taipei. fist bump.

T_____T

this was nice. a reprieve from the real world, where every day is fun and more fun.

i've grown so used to it that i started expecting it, and grad classes are depressing the fuck out of me on top of the ttt leaving part.

but i need to get back to reality and take responsibility again.

let's drink to the summer. 超 EPIC.

fun time's over, but damn was it good while it lasted.

ehhh

there was this quote once that i forget. it's at home! and i'm not. so i'll look it up later.

the hard part about loving someone is that you love them not when it's convenient and not on your timetable, but on theirs.

or something like that.

you just do what you do. whether they love you back or not

really shouldnt have any effect on how much you love them.

i'm sure to some extent everyone uses everyone else, but, how stupid is the Ultimatum.

try, if you deem them worthy.

leave when the feeling is gone, and not a second before.

偉

let me have my crush for just a little bit longer.

when i get back i'll look for someone less mature and awesome and capable and probably infinitely more attainable.

but for now i want all of these things and it's exciting.

we're always striving to become worthy of those we pursue.

you? you live up to your name and then some.

i will go ahead and let my friend's 4 lines speak for everyone.

verochen0921: i dind't have enough time!!!
i am so pissed now
with everythikng
i didn't have enough time



ugh. all of a sudden i miss everyone. and i'm still here.

there's nothing quite like the feeling of time escaping while you are gripping onto the last vestiges of it. anyone who's taken a final at tech knows what i'm talking about.

one more week

school starts soon.

not ready to let go.

fuck

"time flies, man."
--my dad

i burst out laughing right then and there.

life lesson no. 7462

if you know you're going to regret not doing it when you go back, and you're still there, common sense dictates you should do it.

YEAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm scared.




eta: (but fear is better than regret)

bare boned and crazy

oh my god i am crushing so hard.

i wanna stare at the planes of your face and the curve of your cheekbones down to the bow of your lips.

instead i stare at the tiny goldfish you keep in the tank above the cabinet.

fuck.

different names for the same thing

power to you, the tourist. in your floral hawaiian t shirt, and your road map and your absolutely misguided determination to visit overrated landmarks.

because your home is somewhere, and you understand that you can only have one and the world is not that small.

so maybe they'll look down on you because you havent lived like a local and you don't know where to go. but life is too short to belong everywhere. all you can do is fill your head with as much beauty as you can, for as long as you can, with as much as you have.

being a local is only half the fun.

go and explore.