to the world

you know what, i'm gonna make you regret ever breaking up with me.

you're gonna think back and realize it was the dumbest fucking mistake you ever made.

and i'm gonna do it by trying to be the kindest, strongest, most awesome person i can be.

...fine, that's just how it plays out in my head. but even if you never ever regret it

i'm gonna do it anyway

beats

i, um. i think i've changed?

i used to explore, and do things all the time, and never check facebook compulsively and now, i can't remember the last time i've been to a new neighborhood or restaurant. i could say i'm busy, and trying to get my shit together. but i think somewhere, something shifted inside me and it makes me a little uncomfortable to think about. like i've been domesticated, and now that i have no owner, i dont know what it's like to roam anymore. if that makes sense.

on the bright side, i think vik and i are gonna go to the park next saturday and play more music! and i'm learning guitar, the right way this time. and reading more on my nook. my 30 day challenge is going pretty well i think, learning lots of new origami :) i'm probably doing this to distract me from the fact that the longest he's ever gone without dating someone is 3 months, if even that, and we're nearing month two. it kinda sucks when people move on and you're still having a hard time, huh? but hey, it's not mike, and that's something! at this point, you take what you can get.

it's just...well...how could you?

also, it literally pains me how much i'm dwelling on this. i really wish i could maybe not do that so much. better than broadcasting on facebook though, right? right?

i dunno...i feel like talking about it here is almost a catharsis for me. but at the same time, what if it's only exacerbating it?

just the girl

as badly as you treated me, i'm still a bit sad we won't talk over the break. because i know how you feel about your brother, and your family, and it somewhat pains me to know i can't be there for you if you are feeling ... spikey.
i'd have liked to send you home with a box of asian pears, too, for your mother.
but we're just splitting hairs now.

pass me by

the way the year passed by so fast--
reaffirms my belief that when you're happy
or working, or happy to be working,
you'll blink your eyes and wake up next to someone thirty years later.
that's how i know people can stay together.

voler (n.)

recording!! making music again!!

other stupid emotions that aren't worth mentioning!

but, love as much as you can. and then more.

--

Not only our memories, but the things we have forgotten, are “housed.” Our soul is an abode. And by remembering “houses” and “rooms,” we learn to “abide” within ourselves.

_gaston bachelard, the poetics of space

stray thoughts

did i ever give you a reason to doubt me?
for even one fucking second?

tree of life

dear (other) kevin:

did it feel like this when you saw pictures of him and me together?

(you two are cuter in pictures. but i think you both want it to last. i couldn't say the same for him)

Suddenly I get it--

Your life was better with me in it.

That resistance and tension-- it was the tearing so that new muscle could grow.

I'm not waiting for you to realize this too.

Maybe I was waiting for me to realize it.

shut it down

nope, fuck it, not doing it.
go fuck whoever the hell you want.
run around the town with someone new, for all i care.
but i'm not gonna.
you meant more to me than that.

it's not really my problem if you don't feel the same.

break it til

having lunch with A this sunday, i know it sounds cliche
but as we spoke, about those typical things like trust and self actualization
i could see this look of wonder in his eyes
and in that brief moment, understood how it was possible
to watch someone start to fall in love with you

at home

within the past week, i've been asked out by 3 boys and 3 more are interested.

while yes, a part of me is flattered that i still got game (yes i said that unironically), the other part of me wonders two things:

1. is this going to end? should i be taking advantage of a time when dudes aren't all married and settled down? what if i'm missing opportunities by waiting and 'dealing with the kevin thing the healthy way'?

2. should i?

y/n, dating while still trying to get over the wreckage of a breakup: good idea, or fucking terrible idea

some of these boys are really wonderful. the best people i know. but.. i know deep down that i was never the type of person to sweep the baggage under the rug and find replacements or diversions. because that shit is just so dumb, and it doesn't ever truly work anyway. i'm just worried that one of these may be the real deal, and i'll have given it up because to me at the time, all he was was a distraction.

even though i know that's what kevin will be doing, and yes, i might be "winning the breakup", it all seems so--

gauche.

she said to me quietly on the stairs

you're right, i can't make you happy.

but neither can anyone else.

and most importantly,

neither can you.

which is your real problem.

(i could have loved you though, and don't even pretend that that wasn't what terrified you.)

the only thoughts i have when i'm drunk

i'm not going to drink anymore.

persistence

but


i still can't delete the voicemail that you left me while you were in new york.

you kept on talking about how cute other girls were, and i got really mad.

you always were careless of my feelings like that.

you asked how i'd been, and for me to text or call you when i got the chance.

hearing your voice was... difficult.

maybe that's why i can't bring myself to get rid of it. i would be lying if i said i didn't cherish it.

i wonder how easy it has been to eradicate me from your life.

inks

Y'know those guys with the tattoos visible, like on their neck and arms? I think that's awesome. I love the way it tells a story and curves from the elbow up to that vulnerable inner part of the forearm, down to that delicate jut of wristbone. Or the way it caresses the underside of a jawline. The curves of the human body are, after all, geographically astounding and ever changing.

As much as I love it, what it also means is that they live in a world that will always be vastly different from mine. One where there is no such thing as a corporate job interview and a desk job. The ones they would qualify for and pass are those of a completely different nature than mine: valve. any number of san francisco startups. 

I guess I don't have a particular focal point to this. It's just interesting sometimes to think about how vastly different and similar we all are. both when we open our eyes and when we don't.

her morning elegance

i'll always love utc because for a second there, i got to be a part of the people behind the scene.
you know, like when you sit at a coffee shop and wonder what it'd be like to walk behind the bar because you're friends with the barista and sip on an espresso while she takes drink orders from some other customer.

we all wonder what it's like to be more than a passerby.

or more than some kid coming into a student center to study for a few hours.

but anyway, that's just random thoughts.

awesome thing of today: sleeping with loose sheets. people who just sleep with blankets, you are missing out. you are missing out so hard.

calibre

hahaha, hell yea i'm gonna make this as awkward as possible for you.

if you think i'm just gonna try to hide within myself with my tail between my legs, you can fuck right off.

you are hardly mike.

gimme a moment

oregontraildiary.tumblr.com

i hope this person doesn't mind me posting her URL on here. she's a mutual friend i met once or twice.

reading this blog, i felt so strange, like i was being handed evidence of a world where girls will tell their moms, "i'm gonna marry this boy", and where boys just get it so, so right.

comme des enfants

(but you're still a dick, so, 10 points for feeling bad and learning absolutely nothing from it)

let me know when y'all graduate middle school.

i hate this so much, but: kcho was right.

capitulation

at the mouth of a minor tributary

yesterday i held open a door for someone! and taqlked to jason about texting this girl so they could talk about stuff and not have a bunch of unspoken weirdness between them. it felt good, no matter how small the deed, to stop looking inward into some big black hole of --well. everything you feel the aftermath to be.

i want to do operation christmas child shopping and gather some friends to do it, but i have no idea if i'm prepared to drive to the drop off point. and i dont think anyone else cares enough to drive 40 minutes to , idk, bumfuck georgia (jk like jimmy carter orsomething idek) but... i'll look into it i guess.

BMP 11/3: drove on unfamiliar roads for the first time by myself. went to the porter to meet up with a friend and took briarcliff all the way to north druid hills. it was gorgeous, especially during the fall! for some strange reason, it made this thought appear in my head that i really should move out of georgia. but i have no idea why? drove on some access roads by mistake, found my way back home. ACCESS ROADS ARE WAY BETTER THAN HIGHWAYS. but yeah, i loved the winding roads, and the way the trees arched over me..i began to understand a little more why people like driving. so... cool

haven't done any of the things i said i wanted to keep up with. mea culpa. life is a WIP though, so let's just try to keep at it.

5 stages

reading back on it, i recounted something i'd completely forgotten about:

that time at dinner, where you said, "well, we had a good run." jokingly? somehow, you put my mind at ease about it a few days later, but--

we had a good run?

we had a good run?

you are the worst kind of moronic asshole, and i wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last boy on earth.

how fucking dare you even think about saying that to someone while you're dating them. not while you're breaking up with them-- WHILE YOU'RE DATING THEM. i'm literally sitting here, incredulous.

aaaand WOW, with that, went pretty much the last shred of any sort of sympathy or longing i had for you. you deserve everything that comes to you, you son of a bitch.

on value added

revenge: buying yoga pants after a breakup. WUT WUT

in other news:
taylor swift and christmas ornaments make me sadder. can you imagine your apartment smelling like mulled wine and decked out in lights and stockings and a tiny tree and bing crosby in the background --

but david helps me immensely.

BUT I HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER NEW ALBUM, BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

and he'll probably be dating someone new by christmas. but i doubt he'll upgrade, because diamonds aren't his type (he'll stick with what he knows).

in the end, you can't really keep paying for other people's mistakes, especially if they don't know how to separate the wheat from the chaff. and trust me, it's not that i believe myself to be some wonderful, amazing person. but i treated him the best, and, well. for you, i guess that's punishment enough.

AH MY GAHD TAYLOR SWIFT

Awesome thing of the day: finding the one parking spot in a completely almost bursting parking lot and just sliding perfectly into it. amazing.