on dealbreakers

me:  there's a cute boy here who i could potentially be interested in

but i think i vetoed it because he uses 'your' instead of 'you're'

 Elliot:  oh shit

you can't date someone like that

he would never be able to understand you're world view

 me:  i hate you, go die

step up yo game, playa

forget it. done. moving forward.

misery time was fun for a while, time to grow a pair of balls and work toward something worth a shit.

relapses to come. comebacks sure to follow.

complet

I miss being full. in all senses of the word.

physically, i miss eating regularly, and in healthy quantities with a big appetite. even though i want to be full, i either dont feel like it or can't bring myself to care.

being emotionally full, bursting with laughter. those deep belly laughs where you can't stop, or waking up and drifting back to sleep in someone's arms. having engaging and meaningful and meaningless conversations all wrapped up in one, over dinner-- feeling ...affection.

i miss the full days. spending the whole day with someone, always having them to hang out with and go home to and never, ever, ever being sick of seeing them. i would say one of the hardest things to get used to has been coming home to an empty apartment and eating/sleeping alone. i never had a problem with it in college, but i never knew what it was like otherwise. watching lets plays on youtube is just... it just depresses me.

I MISS NOT POSTING EVERY DAY ABOUT ANGSTY SHIT GOD DAMMIT

can we just stop this, seriously, i can't even

remembering things clearly:

SUCH. AN ASSHOLE, OH MY GOD

not sure how much this is the bitterness talking, but i bet your friends think you're an idiot for letting me go too.

forgo the parable

ugh. terrible day.
missed a 3 hour meeting on top of everything else at work lately, so management's been watching me like a hawk. and acting all passive aggressively, jesus christ. give it a rest, will you, ladies?

i caved and went on his facebook again today. he's sick :/

i just thought, no one would be there to make sure he eats well. i wanted to make him homemade chicken soup like my mom always would, and curry, and brush his hair from his forehead.

and then maybe i'd feel a little better, being there with him too, from my terrible terrible day.

i know that he wants his freedom and not to feel like he's settling or something.

but sometimes for the life of me i just can't see how it would be better for either of us.

it really pains me. i wish there were a way to be less... nurturing. ugh.

to make you feel my love

Strangely enough, one of the most helpful things has been foroud's writing.

Mon petit moineau, perdu à jamais

c’est la nuit à nouveau

les oiseaux se taisent

j’écris des tragédies

tandis que vous posez, loin

rêver d’autres

why is this still so hard?

d'avoir faim

i just spent the whole day with dtong at starbucks, and i'm supposed to jam with vik (though i think we may raincheck), but

oh my god, it's like this sort of crippling loneliness that i haven't felt in a while

like i never used to be terribly lonely, because i didn't know what it was like to want or have someone's company 24/7. i never used to check facebook first thing i woke up in the morning on my phone, or last thing before i went to bed. who needs pseudo superficial details about the lives of people you don't even really care about?

i realized it's our desire for deep and meaningful relationships, and eventually it's just like mal de coucou: you can consume an entire buffet of chit chat and still be hungry.

sucks, because for a second there it really felt like he was enough of an asshole that i could just be angry and indignant the whole time. but eventually the sadness does curl its tendrils around your toes and settle in.

did you know in french, "tu me manques" means "i miss you"? but it literally translates into, "you are missing from me."

you are tehring me apaht.
you are missing from me.

ad nauseum

the thing with heartbreak is,
who fuckin' gives a shit?
what person in their right mind cares how you feel right before bed,
morose and in possession of a phantom limb?
because the feelings just don't translate. doesn't involve anyone else, so who cares?

but--

i wanted him to be someone i fell asleep with at night, for a long, long time.

why do you get to be over it?

why do you get to be totally fine?

i still remember at the beginning how frustrated you were that no one ever returned your affections or efforts in a way that panned out. i couldn't have known then that in the end, you probably left before they did.

but we always end up passing on the best things. i could've stayed with the only boy who ever gave me flowers, all those years ago. he cared for me so, so much, and i just threw it all away.

oh well, karma is as karma does. maybe this is for all those years i was such a bitch.

on the worst days, you only remember the good things

(i wonder if he misses me at all)

accidents

every time i get depressed about the breakup, i console myself by thinking about the alternative.

relief is knowing that i'm not in something that is going nowhere and wasting my time.

(i think, in this regard, he was somewhat kind-- knowing that i wanted to stay together, but also wanting his freedom, he didn't stay with me halfheartedly to delay the inevitable. i can only imagine how much worse it would have been down the line.)

and for the record, dear god could you PLEASE stop telling people you feel like an asshole. everyone already knows you feel like/are one. if you really wanna try working on being someone worth a shit, maybe saying sorry to me would be a good starting point.

but i suppose if you were the type of person to do that, you wouldn't need to apologize in the first place.


here is how i know you won't be happy either way: because wherever you go, there you are.
if you're always looking for the next best thing because the feeling fades fast, and you never put in the work or open up or be truly vulnerable or try-- that's a you thing. and that won't go away until you fix your shit, no matter if it's the next girl, or the one after that, or the tenth after that. so you can try to find the right girl, the perfect one. but she won't exist until you can be the right one for a girl.

so suck it.



...ahh, but who are we kidding. you're just me circa 4 years ago, back when i was still emotionally stupid and treating every well meaning boy like crap. maybe you're just too young for this shit, this 'being good to another person' shit. qui sait?

the kicker

don't get me wrong, he was good to me sometimes. most times, except for the important parts like not liking me enough (lmao boys are so dumb sometimes).

what makes him the asshole though?

is that if i didn't stand up for myself, we'd still be together right now. he'd be in something lukewarm at best, and constantly constantly looking, and never even trying very hard where it mattered, and then one day he might have met someone and disconnected completely or started acting like a douche to get me to break up with him (equally likely).

that's the part i can't stand, is that things weren't good enough to stay together--

but if given the choice, he wouldn't have had the balls to do anything about it.


take it to heart.

always, always demand respect. because life is too full of emotionally immature people who don't know how to be responsible for the things they tame.

on self respect

even though it was against my will and i

wasn't strong enough to do anything about it

(but give more)

you forced me to be thankful for all the red flags i tried to ignore

whose services are now no longer required.

rule #1: don't rebound with someone you wouldn't actually date now.

even if they are very, very cute.

parallels

seeing J around her boyfriend these days breaks my heart. because i see everything i escaped: the clear disparity in investment, and all the consequences and frustration that come with it. how that permeates into body language, behavior, everything.

but that's not why.

it's because that could still have been me, and i can't say for sure if i would or wouldn't have preferred it.

talking with her about my breakup just lends to this uncomfortable atmosphere, where everything i talk about can be applied to her, but we're both involuntarily denying it.

i am constantly barraged with the bullets i dodged when i see or talk to them. and that's bad enough, but somehow, seeing her still hold on, falling asleep next to him, one arm around his waist and her face smushed kind of underneath his armpit, like she can keep him and make him change if she just insists enough-- i see myself, in a path i could have taken.

and i can't,

i can't--

man up, man up

i refuse to let you ruin shoya for me just because you chose to make it both our first and last date like some sort of trite asian drama.

you hear me? i absolutely refuse.

no matter how much it hurts, i am more than the places that you've gone from. and you know. fake it til you make it.

vulnerability, while the true mark of courage, is also truly exhausting.

*#&@*#(@

please tell me more about how the weather is great and you're missing literally every fall festival and beer fest and wine fest IN EXISTENCE at the moment because you realize you don't actually have very many friends you hang out with on a consistent basis and even if you did you don't feel like doing anything anymore which is sort of a self perpetuating cycle if you think about it.

god fucking dammit.

it's like i've lost any and all will to explore or create.

could there be a worse metaphorical death?

in other news, i emailed tim last night to apologize for pulling a kevin. he responded and talked about his life for a bit. how his fiancee and him are 'really perfect for each other', which made me both happy and not. happy in the sense that he genuinely deserves it, and i want things to work out for him. not, in the way that salt in wounds doesn't feel good-- in the way that he found what kevin was looking for in a girl and it worked out, and, idk, maybe that works out and kevin was right to leave for greener pastures.

not sure if i can handle that.

the inner child in me wants it to come full circle. i left tim, i found mike, discovered what it meant to be head over heels. but unless you have the inner... maturity that tim had, it just. kind of explodes in gooey messiness. I WANT THAT, BITCH. i want karmic retribution. i want you to learn that it's about work too, and that looking for an 'easy relationship' isn't all it's cut out to be.

but if, in the end, happiness comes out of it instead, well.

that's fine too, i guess.

lasers

days it took before i broke into the alcohol: 16

if you asked me why i suddenly felt crazed and broken and aching again, i couldn't tell you.

suddenly you just start crying again, and know that you have to wait until it gets better, because it always does.

call it a relapse.

but today i am cutting off ties so help me god, i am getting rid of all of them.

even if i'm drunk for it.

just the right amount of love

you used to joke about what it would be like when we were married.

and call my parents mom and dad.

julian mentioned it off the cuff last night because it happened to come up.

i'd completely forgotten.

i got so fucking sad, hahaha.

i always used to think i would make you happy.

hey wait

listening to someone rant about how their boyfriend does x/y/z, doesn't have x/y/z qualities and how it's really frustrating leads to sudden realizations:

at least for the time being

I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THAT SHIT

lmao

no viniste

when i do talk about it sometimes to people, i'm always met with a change of subject or a frown face, or something that leaves me so unsatisfied. to an extent i do look for an open ear, but mostly just honest discourse, or something i didn't know, or a different perspective. sympathy is passe.

but at the same time, i don't think i can really be that disgruntled.

after all, what more is there to say about the matter?

even in the afternoon

i miss now the things we could have been and the places we could have gone together--
decorating a christmas tree in your apartment
going on picnics
discovering atlanta together
cuddling in the holidays
holding your hand

but i realize now

you were not worthy

and while i can't help the emotions i feel for the memories of the past and potentiality of the future
i will not continue putting my energy into those who do not deserve it.

karma II

How selfish i was back then.

Wed, Dec 30th 2009

i wonder if we'll ever talk again. i wonder if the 'x period of time' is really just code for, 'indefinitely'. you've stopped going on gchat, which i suppose is also for the best. when you're there, i just kind of stare at your name in a completely, completely pathetic manner.

this is exactly why i was prolonging the inevitable. because, strangely enough, i face a lot of guys confessing. it always seems to follow the same pattern, actions-wise. so if i am a worse person because i wanted to continue this whatever-we-had as opposed to the complete demise of our friendship, then that's what i am. sure it was unfair to you, who are looking for a long term girlfriend. mea culpa.

but with any of them... save that one REALLY persistent guy; if i could have had their friendship over pained silence, i would have feigned ignorance.  and i did. call me weak. i did it voluntarily.

you said, at some point you just have to grow a pair and do something. was there no way we could have remained friends? that eventually, you would have gotten sick of me, and the infatuation would have just faded away? is it really easier to get rid of the feelings forcefully like this? i don't agree.

but i am the one who made the decision.

so my agreement means nothing.

karma

an entry that i wrote years ago, addressed to tim
that i now would like to address to myself:

---


"what are you so afraid of?"

right? that's what you asked. here, then. here is a list.

• that you aren't the right one for me.
• not even that, but that i don't want you to be.
• if sometime down the road, i decide i dont want you to be,
• that i'll break your heart.
•  
• that i'll let you down
• that i'll actually be happy being with you
• years of rationalization
• the same things everyone is afraid of
• that you, that i, that we are not enough to overcome these fears. 

---

it is now, and only now, that i begin to see very real and very cruel parallels.

twin sized bed

comfort:
if there was life after him
there will be life after you
and after you the you that follows
apres tout, la vie continue

when other people break up, it feels like nothing. it's just something you hear or talk about. when it happens to you, you are crushed and haunted with all the space you will live without someone that you once ate and slept and made plans with.

i know it's a dumb 7 month dating excursion. nothing compared to one year, two years, five years, marriage.

but it still hurts and stuff.

qui sait?

Countdown

Okay, I give it one month. If I'm still feeling raw by then, we begin with the systematic defriending/unfollowing. It took me fucking forever to get over mike, so I suppose that's an optimistic estimate. But... I can't continue being friends with him like this if I keep feeling like this.

In my opinion, I don't understand why he is sad or drunk or mildly belligerent, because he clearly didn't like me enough to even want to try. Sadness reserved only for those who were broken up with, kthx. Fuckers trynna have their cake and eat it too.

I woke up today because I suddenly realized, oh. The talk that there are others that fit us better, the question of whether or not I believe in soul mates, the knowing tones of all my guy friends-- you broke up with me because you were waiting for someone you liked better. Duh. I realize now that aside from distance, this seems to really be at the heart of why everyone breaks up.

It's such a predictable pattern by now that it's almost laughable too. Here, lemme write it out for you. Guy is interested in girl, pursues her hard. Girl is hesitant, but eventually agrees, they date, girl likes the guy more and more, guy begins to wonder if he is settling. Girl has taken her time and now is ready and wants to solidify things, guy is now unsure, girl is blindsided, gives ultimatum, guy refuses and or breaks up, everyone is back to square one. Or, alternate ending, guy accepts and lives a married and lukewarm life.

There are exceptions of course. But out of ten couples, I'd tell nine not to hold their breaths.

The end. Hope you enjoyed the story

Le temps perdu

I'm going to make a running list of the universe's most painful questions. I begin below:

1. Do you want me to go?
2. 
   

denouement

why does everyone else get to stay together?

why was i not enough?

i wanted so badly to decorate a tree with lights, humming bing crosby and tugging on the hem of your gaudy christmas sweater.

i don't miss the memories; i miss the possibilities.