accidents

every time i get depressed about the breakup, i console myself by thinking about the alternative.

relief is knowing that i'm not in something that is going nowhere and wasting my time.

(i think, in this regard, he was somewhat kind-- knowing that i wanted to stay together, but also wanting his freedom, he didn't stay with me halfheartedly to delay the inevitable. i can only imagine how much worse it would have been down the line.)

and for the record, dear god could you PLEASE stop telling people you feel like an asshole. everyone already knows you feel like/are one. if you really wanna try working on being someone worth a shit, maybe saying sorry to me would be a good starting point.

but i suppose if you were the type of person to do that, you wouldn't need to apologize in the first place.


here is how i know you won't be happy either way: because wherever you go, there you are.
if you're always looking for the next best thing because the feeling fades fast, and you never put in the work or open up or be truly vulnerable or try-- that's a you thing. and that won't go away until you fix your shit, no matter if it's the next girl, or the one after that, or the tenth after that. so you can try to find the right girl, the perfect one. but she won't exist until you can be the right one for a girl.

so suck it.



...ahh, but who are we kidding. you're just me circa 4 years ago, back when i was still emotionally stupid and treating every well meaning boy like crap. maybe you're just too young for this shit, this 'being good to another person' shit. qui sait?