*#&@*#(@

please tell me more about how the weather is great and you're missing literally every fall festival and beer fest and wine fest IN EXISTENCE at the moment because you realize you don't actually have very many friends you hang out with on a consistent basis and even if you did you don't feel like doing anything anymore which is sort of a self perpetuating cycle if you think about it.

god fucking dammit.

it's like i've lost any and all will to explore or create.

could there be a worse metaphorical death?

in other news, i emailed tim last night to apologize for pulling a kevin. he responded and talked about his life for a bit. how his fiancee and him are 'really perfect for each other', which made me both happy and not. happy in the sense that he genuinely deserves it, and i want things to work out for him. not, in the way that salt in wounds doesn't feel good-- in the way that he found what kevin was looking for in a girl and it worked out, and, idk, maybe that works out and kevin was right to leave for greener pastures.

not sure if i can handle that.

the inner child in me wants it to come full circle. i left tim, i found mike, discovered what it meant to be head over heels. but unless you have the inner... maturity that tim had, it just. kind of explodes in gooey messiness. I WANT THAT, BITCH. i want karmic retribution. i want you to learn that it's about work too, and that looking for an 'easy relationship' isn't all it's cut out to be.

but if, in the end, happiness comes out of it instead, well.

that's fine too, i guess.