seeing J around her boyfriend these days breaks my heart. because i see everything i escaped: the clear disparity in investment, and all the consequences and frustration that come with it. how that permeates into body language, behavior, everything.
but that's not why.
it's because that could still have been me, and i can't say for sure if i would or wouldn't have preferred it.
talking with her about my breakup just lends to this uncomfortable atmosphere, where everything i talk about can be applied to her, but we're both involuntarily denying it.
i am constantly barraged with the bullets i dodged when i see or talk to them. and that's bad enough, but somehow, seeing her still hold on, falling asleep next to him, one arm around his waist and her face smushed kind of underneath his armpit, like she can keep him and make him change if she just insists enough-- i see myself, in a path i could have taken.
and i can't,