merry christmas (eve), all. :)

Lay your weapons down

Fine, I'll humor you a little.

I invariably find myself reading W.H. Auden. When your soul is dry, you go back to poetry and it lifts your spirits a little. Rubs salve in the brittle cracks of your heart, even at the height of incomprehension. Like Housman said. Terence, this is stupid stuff.

And should someone ask, "Well isn't this some form of distraction so you don't have to address other emotions and issues?"

To which I would reply, "Ain't that the way."

no i don't know why my posts are all emo lately

Last night as I was lying in bed, I thought about how little time left I had in this room. After college, we eventually find apartments, get married, work full time... I felt as though I'd really miss this place when I'm no longer living here. You know, your home before you have your own home. The home you never had to make yours because it belonged to you from the day you were born.

I'm a little more dependent on my family and parents than other college kids, which I accept. It's good and bad. I think going home so often is just another choice, like going to parties every weekend. And I would love to say I don't regret partying it up more, making wilder friends, or being part of That Scene. Even tamer things, like being able to hang out on weekends. But of course I do. Still, I think I would miss the absence of a home life much more than I miss the absence of a college life. It kinda sucks sometimes, but I would like to hang on to this for as long as possible.

all over the place

When I was in Illinois eating dinner with my roommate, we would talk about various things. I mentioned something to her once about how something wasn't feasible, and I gave her all my (bullshit) reasonings. She merely laughed and said I wasn't trying hard enough. I think she was right. All things are usually possible if you are persistent enough, and if you want it that badly. But there's a vulnerability threshold that varies for everyone.

Which begs the question: if you let things go more easily, are you really better off?

Sometimes I think to be my absolute best, I should constantly ask myself, "what would Brandon Pauli do?"

And if I did what he did, I'd be about 384x more efficient, hardworking, and all around great.

Jeez, how do people like him even exist?

damn it

Think we'll never fall into
The jealous game
The streets will flood
With blood of those who felt the same

Friends, lovers, or nothing
There can only be one
Friends, lovers, or nothing
There'll never be an in-between

So give it up

when i have grandkids, we're gonna watch tech football together.

GAME TIME, BITCHES. WHAT'S THE GOOD WORD?

this is gender universal

sometimes you just gotta man the fuck up.

if you must fight for that which is freely given out to others,

should you?

pride says no.

it doesnt stop you from wanting to.

you just feel like sneering as you do.

indecision no more

I have always been curious. I have always scorned hesitance, as much as I've embodied it. I've always wondered if anyone else looks longingly at other people's lives, wondering what it's like. The art majors, the frat boys, and indie rockers, the musicians, the Friends carbon copy.

So I think I'm going to go. I'd like to know what it's like to walk in an unmarked lounge for drinks.

You know what's weird? I think if I could do it all over again, with the knowledge that I have now, I would join a sorority.

An honest to god sorority, like alpha gamma delta. (I don't consider dr. phil a real sorority lollll *is bricked by a million asian girls wearing too much makeup*) Not even shitting you.

I don't even think I would have minded the inevitable white washing that would have occurred.

How strange, right? But oh well, we just move forwards as always.

sent, bitch!

Antico's pizza: yum. 

I have orange nails!!

halloween plans: skipping the overrated clubbing and baking cookies and drinking spiked hot chocolate at emily's. because she has way too many reese's and i need to fix that problem.

In other news, preproposal's done! I think with the amount of people in our group, it may actually be possible for some people to go through it this entire year and not do anything at all. Wonder, that. But I really like some of the people in my group. I think they're pretty awesome. 

RESIGRTRATION

all of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling. 

...

what kind of bullshit justification is that? 

one word answer

You may be beautiful and talented and highly intelligent. Possibly even necessary. But if you don't show up, then of what use are you? 

In retrospect

All the awkwardness and politics of interning at cat was worth it for the price of meeting a truly competent leader, in all senses of the word. 

I know all our internships and the experience they come with are not nearly so important as they seem, or as we make them seem. But even I realize how rare it is to meet someone you're able to throw your support behind, unquestioningly. 

I hope one day I can inspire that kind of dedication in just one person. 

If you could be my punk rock princess

I would be your garage band king

title

I fucking swear, cat, if you go on a 12 dollar pull back again as I buy you today, I'm gonna choke a bitch. Then I'm gonna find one of your tractors and paint it green. 

Quite possibly I am a very angry individual. 

I'm just glad I never went into finance.

i got a 160 gb eyepod for my birthday!!

What happens when you realize you have nothing left to say?

Falling on our own swords

This is getting ridiculous, and I don't even care.

Maybe sometimes make it easy.

I love that you asked instead of demanded. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE

(on august 12th.)

dinner was great fun :) tipsy stephanie == stephanie on no sleep before review. we have ascertained this.

unphotoshopped (unfortunately, we all have redeye) pix found at : www.flickr.com/ceilingdistrict

see you all soon! with school. hehe

Love's all

...Roethke. alkjsdhlakdaf. I was telling Steven today that in the way you read t.s.Eliot when you're depressed and feeling hollow, you read Roethke when you're in love. I'm not by any means familiar with enough poets. My (extremely) limited viewpoint is biased regardless. Because I just. I've never, in my entire life, heard a man describe a woman like that. Like something reverent and lovely and wondrous. And no matter how many adjectives you hear, it just doesn't cut it. It's like you can feel his emotions through the pages, even with no analysis. You'd just know, and you'd just revel in it all. 

 

I knew a woman, lovely in her bones,
When small birds sighed, she would sigh back at them;
Ah, when she moved, she moved more ways than one:
The shapes a bright container can contain!
Of her choice virtues only gods should speak,
Or English poets who grew up on Greek
(I'd have them sing in chorus, cheek to cheek.)

How well her wishes went! She stroked my chin,
She taught me Turn, and Counter-turn, and stand;
She taught me Touch, that undulant white skin:
I nibbled meekly from her proffered hand;
She was the sickle; I, poor I, the rake,
Coming behind her for her pretty sake
(But what prodigious mowing did we make.)

Love likes a gander, and adores a goose:
Her full lips pursed, the errant note to seize;
She played it quick, she played it light and loose;
My eyes, they dazzled at her flowing knees;
Her several parts could keep a pure repose,
Or one hip quiver with a mobile nose
(She moved in circles, and those circles moved.)

Let seed be grass, and grass turn into hay:
I'm martyr to a motion not my own;
What's freedom for? To know eternity.
I swear she cast a shadow white as stone.
But who would count eternity in days?
These old bones live to learn her wanton ways:
(I measure time by how a body sways.) 

YAY FOR PASTA

The dreamy blue-eyed boy who sometimes works at Figo thinks I'm cute :) 

I have time for one tiny victory dance and then I have to get back to my boring boy-less routine. Sort of. k

more nutshells

Camping was awesome!! 

Some stuff costs lots of money.

People are great. Really great. x10000000^4

Six people in a four person tent hyped on smores is conducive to bonding and laughter. 

Dubious perishable foods in a cooler for three days. wtf faces all around.

River street :) 

and kayaks ahahahhaa damn. Story for another day. 

Company/conversation gold. But you know, stick around tong/elliot/myles long enough and you pretty much never stop laughing. 

It was epic and unpredictable and predictably we got in crazy shit and I loved it (ex post facto). I wanna do stuff like this all the time. Fuck the quotidian!

One step forward, two steps back

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.

_Jane Austen

someone who I never knew

Finally managed to get my hands on a pernice brothers album. Fucking finally. It's every bit as good as I expected, but I'm not holding my breath hoping to get the others. ELUSIVE, MY FRIENDS. V V ELUSIVE.

p.s horton hears a who is one of the funniest movies ever :) :) :)

I remember you happy (I remember it all)

I'm having a hard time reconciling this whole 'if you love someone, let them go, and if they come back they're yours' bullshit. What's the line between loving someone enough to let go and not caring enough to stop them? 

I just typed in scottrade.livejournal.com. 

LJ...slowly clusterfucking my internetz. AHH LUNCH TIME

This is all we have to say for ourselves: [nothing]

Stephanie: dude. so when am i scorching you with the eternal flames of my love.
 Sent at 12:15 AM on Monday
 me: never.
because i am armed with the fire extinguisher of personal space.
 Stephanie: never heard of it.
 me: you will when you're being extinguished with personal space bubbles.
 Stephanie: never heard of those either.
i think my firepower can handle it though
 me: it certainly didnt last night...
 Sent at 12:27 AM on Monday
 Stephanie: yeah, last night you were pretty wet 
all my firepower did was just make you wetter.
ironic.
 me: ...
 Stephanie: LOL COME ON THAT WAS GOOOD
 me: no that was horrible
we were like. toeing the line from PG to PG13
and you were like NO WE ARE GOING NC17 LOLOL
 Stephanie: LOLLLL

epik girly things

I've retired the black nailpolish because, whatever, black polish. Guess what's in now, kids. 

White! Funny how the things you are like EURGH at for like a year suddenly become Good Ideas to you.  Fashion trends are starting to intrigue me..crappy webcam photos aside, it's pretty awesome.

Also, digging the hot pink for serious these days. Pink t shirts ftw! :D + hot pink on white = amazing.

p.s because I'm a stickler for tradition,

 

MAHAHAHAHAHA *laughs wildly and runs away*

  

OH, and orange. I'm kind of going insane over hot pink, orange, and fluorescent highlighter yellow. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS, IT'S EPIK. 

hahahahaaha

Some guy made a nutella cake and he posted this on xanga:

Here is how to make nutella cake (The easy way):
Come over to my apt.  
Be a cute girl.
Ask.

Don't you just love goodbyes?

There's this little 9 year old girl named Chloe where I work, and she's so sweet it just breaks your fucking heart. Some girls are cute and others are nice. They're a dime a dozen, and you don't really care. But this one, good grief. You just kinda want her to like you. 

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a microcosm of the real world. 

 

p.s was running today and I saw a firefly for the first time in a long time. So I caught it. But it didn't light, so I let it go, and it lit up, and I was happy. 

 

p.p.s oh seriously, Mew's frengers is up on my top 10 favorite albums of ALL TIME. I've been replaying 156 for the past 4 days..

 

ppps:

LIZA: Freddy's not a fool. And if he's weak and poor and wants me, may be he'd make me happier than my betters that bully me and don't want me.

HIGGINS: Can he make anything of you? That's the point.

Weeked update with jimmy fallon

• Hilton head: beach dirty, trip overall pretty good
• So much seafood.
• Why does kumon have a disproportionate amount of hot girls? Kinda like how you can expect skater guys to be working at Pacsun. Or hot girls at Ruehl. But...kumon??????????? (The new girl is half french, half chinese. Others include half arabian half japanese, and stephanie k. NEED I SAY MORE?)  You'd be a lucky bastard to work here if you have a Y chromosome.
• It's worth living by the ocean for the sunrises alone
• A little saddened to find myself having somewhat outgrown Abercrombie. *stares wistfully*
• Still a baby baby. But one day it's not gonna be about what's in my closet, It's gonna be about who. (That's right. Sartorial smackdown starts fall '09. Fine, fledgling smackdown. Like I said...still a baby baby.)
• HAMMOCKS. A summer dress, a hammock, a book, and the sound of the ocean. Best afternoon nap ever. The sunburn was worth it.
• Pix of said sunrise to follow... sometime. /:)

Re: NoH8

"My son asked me one time, 'Some guys have girlfriends and some girls have boyfriends, but do boys sometimes have boyfriends?' " Hoppus told us at the rally. "I said, 'Yeah, all kinds of people love different kinds of people. And that's the world we live in.' "

A declaration of intent

Confession: I like singing jazz the most. 

Something I've always longed for: to love someone so much and for so long that I've serenaded them with every single Sinatra, Ella, Etta, and Torme song that I know. Seeing as that's a shitload, well. 

I'd love to sing for you on a porch at the peak of august, or under the covers. Quiet moments, you know? Not in the car, or outside in daylight. But holding your hand while we're both studying, or over the phone miles away at midnight when the sky is purple black and there's a cool breeze with the lingering smell of cigarettes from a nearby ashtray. Or with your head on my shoulder as I'm washing the dishes. I love singing while I'm washing the dishes. 

And even though that's actually (surprisingly) what I'm best at, you'll only ever hear it from me once in a blue moon. And even then, probably unintentionally. 

Because I'm saving it. For you. Whoever you are.

/:) 

she knows i'm not fond of asking

Sometimes I wish I could be more sympathetic, or idealistic, or optimistic. Or trusting, whichever. And I usually am. Just not in people. 

No one has been been as opaque as we'd like to believe, not for a very long time. 

Yes. If you're wondering if I have faith in people to bail me out of jail, protect me from lecherous marta freaks, etc, the answer is yes. 

It's the everyday things that are a bit trickier. And I've just been doing things myself for too long to see things any differently.

It would be nice, though. To believe that all you need are friends. I'm sure I would be happier, at least. Or maybe not; it's hard to tell with these sorts of things.

We all want something beautiful (sha la la la la)

Please. Stop playing Kings of Leon on 95.5 and 94.1. I'm all for exposure and support, but. But. *cries* 

So the beach trip is being finalized and we've got 10ish people, +/-. woooo! Read my lips: Rum and beach. Corona/lime okay too. 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha I subjected Emily to Horrible and Lame things of Epic Proportion today. Although possibly I'm not allowed to ever, ever talk about it. >___>

Wait. Wait now that I think about it, Corona/lime required.

The church of what's happening now

So here I am, just minding my business. Fishing in a freaking pond in Twilight Princess that changes seasons every time you enter (it was autumn this time. Gah, the intricacy of it all. The falling leaves!! I love this game. I love this game.) Just minding my own business, row your boat, cast the line, reel reel reel HOLY SHIT A DUCK. 

It was so much awesome, once the heart attack subsided. 

Yeah, they freaking put ducks in the pond. They do that thing where they stick their heads underwater to look for food and their little tails waddle. I've had this game for like 2 years and I'm still amazed every time I play it.

p.s when you're in the town squre, there are cats in one guy's yard! There's a tiny one too. It plays with a ball of yarn. You can pick it up. 

--------

So I suddenly have this urge for chocolate cake. I'm gonna go make that 3 minute mug cake. Here is the recipe, for anyone who wants to do the same. When you're done, call me so we can make a toast with our chocolate cakes. And our broken microwaves. And our burned down houses. 

Salud! 

1 large mug
4 Tbsp. flour
4 Tbsp. sugar
2 Tbsp. cocoa
1 large egg
3 Tbsp. milk
3 Tbsp. oil
1/4 cup chocolate chips (plus some extra for sprinkling on top when it comes out of the microwave)
a small splash of vanilla extract

MIX TOGETHER AND MICROWAVE.

-----

ETA: It was good. (added cinnamon, salt, and coffee to it. It was. Good.)

Does it thrill?

Wanna find out? 

aughhhh

How did it all go to shit so fast?

for serious

posting hiatus until i finish a project i'm working on. Approximate time period = ~1 week.

 

And I was gonna post some sort of I'M SERIOS LOL icon but then look what I found. Good times, huh? /:)

foresight (hindsight)

I don't know if it was only the guys I knew, or if it's all of us and we just haven't realized. I don't think I'd know even with serious introspection. 

There's something in us that is just. Ugly. Where, if we don't get what we want, we'll feel the need to hurt that other person. Claws out and words specifically uttered with the intention of wounding. I can't say I've felt it, but it's been a really long time since I badly wanted something of someone. 

Of course, I could just be spouting shit. But sometimes I don't think we realize what other people can see from the things that we say. 

just gonna take a minute to let it ride

aw man... The pharm drug stock I'd invested in was supposed to get its FDA ruling yesterday, but turns out there'll be a delay for one or two more weeks. 

Let's see what happens.

I have a friend in new york who I've been talking to pretty frequently for a few weeks now. He's been trying to get me to fly up, but... yeah. Anyway, he was like I could take you shopping! (in new york, envy envy envy) and if you want to go to a more upscale restaurant, bring heels and something nicer. And I thought, for the first time since I was in Chicago, what an interesting lifestyle. Idk it just seems so different from here, where everyone still lives with their parents and doesn't really experience the atlanta nightlife. Definitely a different vibe...thought provoking, in the least. Snow in NY would really be something to see, huh? 

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I SLEPT 14 HOURS TODAY (collectively, not at once). I'M REGRESSING. 

Damn, now I know why everyone uses Pirastro Gold.

We might as well be strangers (for all I know of you now)

wow, uhhh. I ran into K today by random chance in the parking lot with Em and Sanjay. He was all well spoken and confident and social. Looked good, too. Haha, didn't even recognize him until he said hi to us.

But yeah. That's the price you pay, I guess. 

Whatever, it's all gravy. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. 

lol

UHHHHH I don't have enough tolerance for pharm stocks awaiting fda approval. Sure, if they do it potentially jumps like A MILLION PERCENT. But the risks are pretty huge.

LOL I BOUGHT IN ANYWAY

Expect euphoria or extreme anger within the next six days.

p.s Finally saw Kubrik's Eyes Wide Shut today. Tom Cruise circa 1999 was a Very Good Looking Man. 

giving me a run for my money, honey

Somebody is making creme brulee today!!!

Where's my blowtorch?

Coldplay

Oh

Wow

 

[deep breath]

COOOLLLLDDDDPPLLLAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

*HYPERVENTILATES*

The power of facebook picture perusal

...Damn. I was a lot hotter in freshman year. 

WHAT HAPPENED? 

I need to draw diagrams and assess the situation. Who knows how to make stick figures out of toothpicks and gumdrops? Cuz I have use for people with that particular skill set.

Piano

Dude. Muscle memory is an awesome, awesome thing.

:D :D :D

Man, what is this? People are actually blogging, and my dashboard isn't completely dead and stagnant.

THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!1 

 

andy stanley_staying in love

• Falling in love requires a pulse. Staying in love requires a plan.
• Love is not a state of being. It needs to be a verb.

Wow. Today's sermon....wow. Once again, Andy changes everything I thought I knew about a life-relevant topic. I mean, the above points were main. But if you guys could hear it.... it's so much more than that. Dunno how to say it, but I feel. Like I'm going into something a little less blind. Andy does something as a pastor that I have never heard or felt anywhere else. Man, it's amazing.

"And we know that in this world and in this culture, the chances of finding someone you can stay in love with, something deeper than soul mates, forever, is slim. Not just someone to live with but to really do life with. But somehow, despite that, we all hope and believe that it can happen. And I think that is the thumbprint of God on your soul."

eta: OH DUH. YOU CAN HEAR IT.

www.northpointministries.org  under messages. 

I wanna draw you a floorplan of my head

Yay for awkward guitar chords coming easier to me! 

I actually like Matt Costa. Still sounds like every other eric hutchinson matt nathanson gavin degraw jon mclaughlin I know of, but not too shabby, Mr. Costa. 

Slowly reverting back to the person I don't want to be. Much as I love summer, that shit is not going down.

The distance is killing me. 

Death cab concert was not bad at all! I wonder if Ben will ever do a solo tour again. Next up: COLDPLAY. 

The worst thing a critical person can be is observant. Fuck. 

This weekend we're gonna plant basil, tomatoes, and whatever else. Carrots? Possibly eggplant if I can convince my mom to buy it. 

Saw venus flytraps for the first time ever. Dude, how do they eat bugs?! It's amazing!!! Also weird.

Come on, come on...

Today is the death cab concert!

I hope it'll be as great as last time. But then, last time I was holding someone's hand as the dying strains of 'Transatlanticism' echoed through the Tabernacle. It was pretty epic.

Things that rules don't apply to

The truth, plain and simple: Everyone's a sucker for somebody. I could elaborate, but it would be a whole lot of crap about something everyone already knows. The question is, is this explanation or rationalization? 

 

SQUEE

MY BROTHER JUST CALLED MY MOM AND TOLD HIM HE WAS POSSIBLY BUYING AN ENGAGEMENT RING. 

Am I too much of a cynic for thinking half the reason he wants to get married is because it's like the best time to buy a house if you actually have money right now? 

I've heard in American customs the ring is supposed to be 3 months salary, right? But he's not really thinking of buying her a >10k ring, right?

 

Right?

errit

*sound of a record scratching*

Wait. 

Wait wait wait wait. 

Did my brother just leave his guitar here?

The one that is 5x as expensive and better than mine?!!?!? So between that and all the books..and sheet music...and office supplies (he hoards BOXES of them..)...

You guys, his room is like a treasure trove!

this is important, y'all.

www.43things.com

a site where you sign up, make a list of things you want to do, and track your progress in doing them. The most active approach to goals on the internet I've seen by far. 

 

1,995,278 people in 15,162 cities are doing 1,575,554 things including…
find a job stretch every day smile more sleep under the stars learn hindi I want to be succesful watch all of Johnny Depp's movies meet Rachel McAdams lesetoiles wants to Make a list of 100 things that I can do for free. sleep outside Lose 20 pounds catalog and digitize my CD collection Get a tattoo eat less ~*Serenity*~ wants to create my own website lose wieght view yahoo webcam without permission Take more pictures Be fitter! have my movie shown at a movie theater stay organized Go skydiving make my own animated film chanel1989 wants to lose weight watch 100 Bollywood movies finish my degree Spend New Years in New York City write a novel i want to fall in love with someone who loves me as much as i love them! Be able to sing Defying Gravity from Wicked perfectly! go to Italy help the world get my dog back Memorize "Howl" by Ginsberg donate sperm read every book I own build a coffee table Hedgepiglet wants to pass my driving test finish reading half-read books get married and have kids become fluent in spanish go on vacation make a video 4 youtube finish college become a passport-carrying citizen of NSK direct a feature film improve myself Stu wants to fly in a helicopter talk dance drink lots of water exercise consistently donate to locks of love identify 100 things that make me happy (besides money) try salvia again Lady Lucy :) wants to read the Bible daily learn a new language learn about wines improve my portuguese learn to cook. Really cook. play golf find a prom dress write my own songs make him love me have conversations late into the night with fascinating people move to europe live without a television for a year get my license Live and let live improve my spanish have tea with the queen Get over it PerfectSonnet wants to SEE FROM FIRST TO LAST LIVE Learn to speak, read and write Hindi be promoted Improve my finances astral project mariiiiia wants to Lose 20 pounds Do NaNoWriMo Say I'm sorry Carve a pumpkin Volunteer find love PRACTICE PIANO 30 MINUTES A DAY mermaid cruise the Carribean live below my means free ps3 find a job i enjoy Learn how to French-inhale cigarettes and blow smoke rings. Even though I don't smoke. eat more fish Meet the love of my life watch all X-files episodes conquer my fears stop being so tired randomuser wants to declutter my house see all 50 states watch all the episodes of the L Word finish remodeling my house Learn Japanese Rope Bondage teach English in China see London Speak French fluently research my family history funkyChicken wants to sing more exercise daily be on The Suite Life of Zach and Cody update my website write song lyrics beat up paris hilton

What do you want to do with your life?

 

I signed up. 

WTF?

The thing about the stock market is that, for the average semi-ignorant investor, you're permitted to seemingly make something out of nothing. Out of a few clicks of a button and the money you already had. The cons are that it works the other way, and that there's a price for doing nothing. Every day, you see lost profit. But I guess that's the cost. 

Le vicomte est mort

I intend for this to be a period of speculative learning. If you are better, then you are better. But it does not make you worth more. Don't make me laugh; of course I would choose you ten thousand times over. Comparison is moot. In the meantime, while I am waiting for you to somehow mean less, I'll think I'll open some books. And another one. And then another one.

Just because no one compares to you doesn't mean no one ever will. And until then, fuckin' Ralph Ellison. YOU WILL BE CONQUERED.

yeah

K, fuck this. 

it's 1:42am on a monday night. I don't think so. Holidays are nice and everything but one day of this shit and I'm ready to get back to work. After tomorrow, I'm going back to 10pm curfews and 6am wake ups. ... um. ok maybe 7:00. uhhh 7:30. 

Seriously, I work the entire week to have days as unproductive as today. Today was like Saturday. 

This is ridiculous. Taking back my productivity now. 

cottleston pie!

I've been looking forward to the that crispy, delicious seasoned fried chicken at Love Letter pizza&chicken for four months. It is gonna taste really, really good when I get my hands on you, Mr. bawk bawk. 

In other news, I created a database today for fun because it's strange not doing any work for 8 hours. Ok well it was for a purpose so I can say I needed it? 

Time is of the essence. 

SADFACE. ULTIMATE SADFACE

You guys, I'm sad. And I may have expressed this sentiment in some sort of juvenile whine across all electronic mediums (twitter, aim, blogspot...) some time in the past 6 hours. 

I heard my supervisor argue in a meeting for the first time today. I was like O_O. There was a lot of 'I disagree' and the operators going 'you can disagree but it doesnt change anything' and a snarled 'I'm trying to make this right!!' Guys, he is seriously the most impressive man I've ever met, hands down. Not only that, everyone likes him. Everyone. There is some strange quality about him that makes you think, almost against your will, 'how can I do more for him, even if there is no compensation for me?' It is just weird. My relationship with him has been really awkward, actually. Because I tend to freeze up. But he's pretty much the epitome of the kind of person I want to become in the future..

And THE STACK ATTACK. His real name is Fred Stackley, and onversations with him were incredibly awkward too, now that I think about it. Until the last few months, when I let the sarcasm show up in my voice, and he laughed. And then I was less nervous! Plus he said my dinosaur was a dinosaur, and not a killer chicken. So +1000 points for him. He's young-ish (my brother's age) so for some reason I kinda secretly wanted to drink beer and hang out with him. And be sarcastic. Okay, Supervisor's 27 too, but he's married with a kid. So...less with the wanting to hang out. But yeah, Fred was just, idk. Man, I really liked him. 

Then there's Mustang!fred, who drives the yellow mustang. He was always nice to me... T___T 

I don't get attached to a lot of things, but for those few that slip under the radar, it takes me a really, really long time to let go. But I think if I had 6 more months of this crap, I definitely would not be feeling this emo over it. Ugh, all the awkwardness. SO MUCH AWKWARDNESS, GUYS. 

Still, it was kinda great. To them, we were just another round of interns. But to us, they were part of a team of highly capable men whose presence was all at once intimidating, impressive, and comforting. Kinda like how you're in a room of engineers and you feel strangely safe because you know every one of them can simultaneously school your ass and get shit done.

So, uh. Take your time forgetting us. It'll be slow going on this side of the fence.

Bye bye, Peoria! 

I win.

Man. Usually I try to approach work with a good attitude. And it's not easy; there's a fine art to define being magnanimous and letting someone walk all over you. But our evaluations were done today, and it felt SO GOOD knowing my supervisor rec'ed me for another internship term but didn't rec my coworker. Well, he eventually did after she asked him. But I did not have to!!!

I KNOW, OKAY. It's horrible and petty to feel that way. I won't even try to justify it. But I won't deny that in my head, I was kind of screaming

wOOOOO SCORE ONE FOR THE UNDERDOGGGGGGG!!!!

...

...

I guess it's kind of strange to see me so stoked about something so small. But dang, if you only knew half the stuff I had to put up with. Fact no. 84: Girls are sneaky bitches. And it feels great to have someone not immediately discount the quality of my work because my coworker is more outgoing/both one foot taller and wider than me. (trufax)

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I DIDN'T FUCK UP THE INTERNSHIP(that much).

He steps away from his car with a song

There's a cool place here called the Burger Barge. Since Friday was so nice outside, we sat on the benches/patio when we went to lunch. It was really pretty since it's right on the edge of the river. 

• K: what happened to your hands?
• Dan: they got scratched up... I was doing some rough work.
• J: what, from pitching or catching?
• Dan: o_o
• Dan:
• Dan:
• Dan: LOLOLOL

Also nice was looking right and seeing 3 LARGE ducks about 1 foot away from me, begging for food. Like the cute little fat birds that wait outside of moe's at tech square, these were. Unafraid. And then there comes this GIANT BIRD. Seriously, its neck is about a foot long, and it just stares dan down while slowly approaching. 

• K: I am not feeding that bird. It looks like it's fixin' to eat off my plate.

Dan gives it an onion ring. Soon 3 more appear. 

p.s tried vinegar and chips. A+

My apartment is filthy.

Also, resume update fail. Wish I could just staple my monthly reports to the back instead of having to condense it all into four lines. 

Right on the foyer on this dark day

And then it came to me: the perfect word. Taken from Jon Stewart, I will say it in this context: THE ECONOMY AND MARKETS ARE PRETTY MUCH A CATASTROFUCK. I see what you did there, yahoo finance. Of course you took down the giant "Housing markets suck, jobs suck, new econ data shows recession is far from over" within the first 5 minutes you posted it. The dow was up +111, of course you did. I guess I'm being too harsh...if I had hundreds of thousands in equities, I would follow mob mentality too, even if it's just high tier manipulation.

• Dan: my wife had a dream that I was gay. When she woke up, she asked me if I was the pitcher or the catcher. I told her I was both.

I had TGIFriday's today. I said it once, I will say it again: crackburgers. crackburgers and sweet potato crackfries. It was so good, I took one bite and my eyes comically widened.

Oh high schoolers. I forgot how y'all typed and spoke. grargh

Everywhere you go, there you are. What do people really expect to be miraculously solved? 

Is it so hard to get a martial arts teacher around here that isn't. Uhhhh. How do I put this without sounding racist. Well in any case, not sure if I wanna take a class where my friend tells me you had them sparring within two weeks and it was "crazy". Presumably because no one knew what they were doing and were just punching and flailing hoping to make contact. Crazy, alright. (are you out of your mind?) On the other hand, can beggars be choosers? 

And again, I go to bed at an indecently late hour, for no readily discernable reason. Fuck. 

p.s random conversations of the day

It's shut down week but all the processors are still here doing routing changes/clean up. About 5 hours into day two:

• Nick: *is interrupted by a series of loud bangs presumably from the shop floor*
• Nick:
• Nick:
• Nick: ... looks like someone couldn't take it. Poor guy.

• Nick: alright. alright we can do this. ready to tear it up?!? :D
• Andy (incredulously): tear it up? tear it up? do you know what we're doing here? I'm about to tear my hair out D:<

• J: hey what is that smell? it smells like these fluffy white buns called man tou. ^^V
• K: ...that's the ethanol burning.
• J: ...oh

p.s HH: badass because we have our own electric power grid. Until Mama tech center comes, with its bajillion power grids, and then HH turns its tail and walks away. 

From my boat I can see your house

I'm glad I can say 'shit' again. Also glad I don't feel like it very often anymore. 

Due to certain recent developments, I am REALLY REALLY EXCITED. Also, about to be really poor. JEEBUS, SO EXCITED. I GRIN EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT.

I think when I get back, I'm putting an end to most of my t-shirt/baseball cap wearing days. Got too many nicer clothes that are just collecting dust in the closet. +too used to the cool papery feel of dress shirts. 

Dang, missed the gucci watch sale. sadface

T-11 days. OH MY GOODNESS 11 DAYS. You know what this means?! I can finally get my computer reformatted!!!

I'm planning afternoon tea with my mom for mother's day!!! It's going to be Expensive =/ but we can both get dressed up all preppy and crap and eat things with clotted cream, so what the heck. 

Wish the market rally would end already. It's starting to become annoying, waiting for the downfall. 

Today I finally met someone over the phone that I'd been hearing about really often for a while now. He was every bit as interesting as I thought he'd be. Anyway, his laptop got stolen ("dude it got fuckin' ninja'ed!") and he was talking about how he'd actually read a book. (+ like 8 hours on his DS; I liked him immediately) Which got me thinking. How often do I look at the time but ignore how I'm spending it? And then half the stuff I do has no real value at all. I could be reading! Or learning something!!! ==> I'm going computerless once every week. Once I get back from work, anyway. Supervisor wouldn't be too happy. 

He is risen

After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. 

 There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. 

 The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you." 

 So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

salvation is like a fish-induced BAM

faulty snapshot (12:48:16 AM): dude
faulty snapshot (12:48:21 AM): you know what i really want right this second
faulty snapshot (12:48:28 AM): fish tacos and a beer.
chamele0 (12:50:03 AM): you sound like a pipe smoking sailor
faulty snapshot (12:50:15 AM): soooooo hungryyyyyyyy
chamele0 (12:50:27 AM): haha
chamele0 (12:50:31 AM): ij ust bought fish sticks
chamele0 (12:50:37 AM): good stuff
chamele0 (12:51:32 AM): do you have bread?
faulty snapshot (12:51:45 AM): yuup
faulty snapshot (12:51:50 AM): maybe we can join forces
chamele0 (12:52:08 AM): yes
chamele0 (12:52:13 AM): throw your break to the east
chamele0 (12:52:16 AM): really hard
chamele0 (12:52:17 AM): bread*
chamele0 (12:52:24 AM): and ill throw the fish sticks
faulty snapshot (12:52:30 AM): dude
faulty snapshot (12:52:35 AM): they'll land somewhere in the middle
faulty snapshot (12:52:44 AM): where neither of us can eat it.
chamele0 (12:52:46 AM): and some poor fellow will be really happy.
chamele0 (12:52:51 AM): happy easter
faulty snapshot (12:52:54 AM): hahahahaha
chamele0 (12:52:57 AM): heres some bread and fish sticks
chamele0 (12:53:04 AM): just like jesus did
faulty snapshot (12:53:07 AM): omg
chamele0 (12:53:09 AM): hahahahahaha
faulty snapshot (12:53:13 AM): rofl
chamele0 (12:54:10 AM): man you know we could change someones life
chamele0 (12:54:18 AM): someones out hungry
chamele0 (12:54:29 AM): and then they see bread and fish sticks drop outta the sky on easter
chamele0 (12:54:36 AM): and bam theyre christian

Mixes

No pretentious indie artists; borderline mainstream, even. Music says it better than I ever could.

01. Snow Patrol: Run

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

02. Our Lady Peace: Somewhere Out There

You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there

And all we are
Is oh so far.

03. Dashboard Confessional: Currents

If it is born in flames then we should let it burn
Burn as brightly as we can
And if it's going to end then let it end in flames
Let it burn all the way down

If this ever meant to end,
Then I hope it ends where it began.
So hot with love, it burns our hands.

04. Empires: Under the Bright Lights

Everyone's dressed in the scenery.
I can't stop looking. We blend in.
Everyone's right where they've got to be.
Under the bright lights, I want you.

Where have you been?

05. Kings of Leon: Use Somebody

you know that i could use somebody
you know that i could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

off in the night,
while you live it up, i'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

i hope it's gonna make you notice.

06. Explosions in the Sky: First Breath After Coma

[instrumental]

07. Frank Sinatra: The Very Thought of You

The very thought of you and I forget to do
The ordinary things that everyone ought to do.
I'm living in a kind of daydream, I'm happy as a king,
Foolish though it may seem, to me that's everything.

08. Frank Sinatra: You'd be so Easy to Love

You'd be so easy to love
So easy to idolize all others above
So worth the yearning for
So swell to keep every home fire burning for

And we would be so grand at the game
Carefree together that it does seem a shame
That you can't see your future with me
'Cause you'd be, oh, so easy to love.

09. The Subways: Strawberry Blonde

If we find the light and turn it into ourselves
They will hunt us down like animals
In the morning clouds will cover you, oh well
In the afternoon the sun is yours.

Tell me, yeah, sing your song
For my lonely soul.

10. Boys Like Girls: Hero/Heroine

I never thought that you could break me apart
I keep a sinister smile and a hold of my heart
You want to get inside
Then you need to get in line
But not this time

Cause you caught me off guard
Now I'm running and screaming

I feel like a hero and you are my heroin(e).

11. Acceptance: So Contagious

Oh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you at first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line?
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously.

12. Imogen Heap: The Walk

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

13. Tal Bachman: She's So High

But somehow I can't believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing's gonna happen

'Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
She's so high, high above me

14. Aqualung: Strange and Beautiful

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I know that waiting is all you can do, sometimes.

15. Dave Matthews Band: The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

16. Maria Taylor: Xanax

Afraid of my heart that beats too slow
Or that I died and just didn't know
Or of a fate I will have to choose
And I'm afraid of how much I love you

There's just a time when we must all let go of that that we hold
There's just a time when we must all let go of that that we hold
With not being known, we'll have to go

It's just now that I've found a place where I can breathe
It's just now that I've found a place where I can sleep

Link to download: http://www.box.net/shared/38r4kj9odr

Glimpses into the glamorous life

"This is so not ergonomically designed," Janet muttered as she pried open the can of pineapple chunks with a spoon handle. 

No matter which way you go

Sure, I feel jealousy from time to time. 

But I can only be myself.

And I think I'd rather have a person than all the attention. I don't want to be so insecure that I'm addicted to the feeling of being thought attractive. 

Also why do I never do what's good for me? Should have been asleep by now...

The very thought of you...

I need to stop listening to Sinatra and being mushy. Seriously, my eyes go soft, my brain goes elsewhere, and I zone out for a good three minutes. Hey, like the song! ..People are starting to give me funny looks.

I ran into diesel mechanic guy today. AHHHHHHHWWWWQQQUUUAARRRD. 

Either the workplace makes you more direct and efficient or I've just never looked people in the eyes before. I suspect it's both. Because when I walk in with a question and three eyes are like ZUUUMMM focused on you with lazer intensity, it makes lesser mortals kind of. Back up into cubicle walls. Not that I did that. Today, anyway. Jeebus, sometimes the day is so full of caterpillar fail. 

I did find pictures on Kdrive though, so I can finally explain to everyone what the heck TTT component factory HH makes. Last time I tried, I drew a diagram that vaguely resembled a bean. I say this because Peter asked, "Is that a bean?" 

(the conversation continued in my head: 'no. no it is the lower powertrain of a track type tractor.'  'well it looks like a bean.') 

My brother loves me :) Ok, he didn't say that in so many words. Ok, he didn't say that at all. But he sent me movies and indie music! Through the mail!! (the writing was big and insistent in permanent marker on the envelope, doesn't it figure. Daniel has always given off a very 'I WILL NOT BE IGNORED' vibe. Not that anybody ever could, anyway) And he didn't sell the Wii because I told him not to! (until mario galaxy is beat, anyway) In my world, that combination's about as close to love as anybody will ever get. Come to think of it, the other time was when he left his DS for me. Huh. WHAT, NINTENDO BRINGS MY FAMILY TOGETHER. /:)

P.S PLANNING EPIC ADVENTURES MAY-AUGUST, Y'ALL. 

healthy, creamy, slightly sweet

 

1. Wash rice as usual.
2. Dice sweet potatoes into chunks. Avoid skewering any major and/or desired limbs.
3. Let rice rest for 10 minutes, adding extra 3/4 cup of water and potatoes.
4. Steam.
5. Eat as is or mash/blend swt potatoes with fork into rice until tinted orange.

The next day:

1. Oil pan
2. Spread rice evenly into pan, add a splash or two of barley tea/mugicha/boricha
3. Stir till absorbed, then mash down
4. Let sit 5 mins or until a nice crust forms on the bottom
5. Enjoy the fact that your life just got a little bit better.

I like this with tea eggs (茶葉蛋) and stewed beef/pork in soy sauce. But that's because it's the only thing I make that reminds me of my mom's cooking. Ahh...mom's cooking. Has the ability to make me miss it a lot, and then once I'm home, I'll be like can we go get some jia jiang myun from hmart? It's a mysterious thing. 

Retrospect

I'm so tired of waiting
For your sins to come along
If I said you're beautiful
I'd be wrong

Oh, there is nothing baby
When I look into your eyes
But you're so far between your little white lie

Maybe next time
We can both find someone to hold down
someone to hold down

Maybe next time
We can both find someone to hold down
someone to hold down


Anything worth having has a price. Je crois que tous les choses seront toujours amères, avec toi. Mais il vaut la peine. Je ne regrette rien, maintenant.

Simple things

Things to do when I get home:

1. The chicken and pizza place next to hmart.
2. Twilight princess. Stallord is going down, but man those zant heads are freaky.
3. Two words: emo bangs. no wait. 'fob hair'. No more of this conservative crap.
4. Reformatting my computer bc lawl surprise! Trojan.
5. Visit tech/roomies
6. Paint my nails black
7. JEANS. GLORIOUS JEANS. 
8. Vaccuum my room for spiders, make sure mom hasn't thrown away Giant Pikachu
9. Track down my brother. (He will have time for me, dang it! He will make it or I will be delivering epic Beat downs!) 
10. Zaxby's. 
11. Beanie hang out time. Complete with chinese newspaper runs at 10pm.
12. GUITAR
13.  
14. PIANO
15. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE

in no particular order. The last one especially is very dubious.

Things I will miss about Illinois:

• Doing thousand piece puzzles with my roommate
• Getting to learn about multibillion dollar technology (3 micron!)
• Drawing mario mushrooms on my cubicle magnets
• Proximity to Indiana, St. Louis, Chicago, etc
• Being given candy by people I don't know. wait...that happens no matter where I go.
• Church message == lying on the bed listening to Andy Stanley's podcast while drinking milk tea. 
• Business casual
• 3 words: chain link forging. 
• Peaceful saturdays with nothing to do but drink a cafe au lait with donuts
• Breakfast at 12, lunch at 4, dinner at 9
• Unrestricted access to pretty much every statistical package known to man. 
• Snow!!!

yeahp. 20 more days and I am outta here.

Fingers trace your every outline

This is so, so wonderful. From the jazzy strangely adorable accented singing voice to the reminds-me-of-bossa-nova guitar to the rapping that takes me back to Shinhwa, Sechskies and Drunken Tiger days. And who can forget JinuSean. +50 cool points, guys. Absolutely love it. 

lesson learned from a crappy day

• When your co-intern is really competitive, you cannot slip for one second. 
• It really sucks having to be polite to someone who is trying to sabotage you at nearly every turn. But you have to because that's just the nature of the job. And you can't walk away from it.
• Grow up and get over the awkward shyness. 

It's strange because in school, when you didn't like someone, you just stopped hanging out with them. But I guess it's important to learn how to deal with this sort of thing, right?

spn ftw

GOSH. I forgot how much I adore Supernatural. 

• writer: ooh.....well. this one's kinda different. like vonnegut different.
• dean (urgent): what, slaughterhouse five vonnegut or cat's cradle vonnegut?
• sam: *looks at dean incredulously*
• dean: ....what? 
• sam: nothing, nothing.

Brotherly love > Dean's pride!! Hello kitty bandaids! Castiel. If any show could pull off a scruffy Paul Walker-esque trenchcoat wearing angel, it would be this one. The way he can't interfere but when Dean threatens not to 'interfere' when the situation is reversed, he gives veiled help. In the form of LAWL not supposed to be doing this, but I need you. The slanted sideways look of Mutual Understanding just kills me. 

• dean: ok. so everything he writes about us somehow happens in real life. so we do EVERYTHING OPPOSITE today.
• sam: fine. we don't fight. that means you don't eat any bacon cheeseburgers.
• dean (disgusted): .....fine. i'll have a...tofu veggie burger.

When it comes, he takes a bite and goes dude. [beat] This is delicious. Tofu rocks! And then the waitress comes by and says 'oh sorry, I accidentally gave you the bacon cheeseburger instead.' She takes it away and Dean just looks at Sam like "O_O..." *IS MORTALLY OFFENDED AT HAVING BEEN TRICKED BY THE TOFU*

• castiel: you can't hurt him. he's a prophet.
• dean: what. 
• castiel: *shrugs* you should have seen luke. 

and yes. I would have to say the best line of the episode: 

"STOP. I AM THE PROPHET CHUCK. "

..."you've got to be kidding me." 

slow spinning redemption

I bought doughnuts today! Nothing can stop me now. Except for maybe a heart attack.

This is purely hypothetical, but has anyone ever tried to, um. Ride around in a laundromat drying machine? 

POLLEN. I spent yesterday wondering if I was getting sick, with all the sneezing and whatnot. And then I realized it was in fact the yellow SPORES OF DEATH. I'm not used to it being all tricky like this. In the dirty south pollen gets all in your face like O HAI i'm gonna cover everything in yellow bwahahahaa! Illinois is like you get snow. AND NOW FOR SPOREZ OF DEATH, SURPRISE LAWL. 

argh. I told my mom I wanted to get an apartment 2-3 years after I started working fulltime, and she got really sad. That's probably around 25...and rationally that's normal. But in my head I'm thinking, WHAT? That's only like 4.5 years from now. I'm too young for that. Us, self reliant? Come on, we can't even function normally now when everything's taken care of for us. Natural selection will kill us before we even step foot outside the door. Okay, exaggeration, but I don't even pass for pre-adult and I'm 20. I've got enough to handle actually trying to grow up, I almost wish I didn't have to worry about leaving my parents.

noticed today: everyone has REALLY BIG TRUCKS. seriously. srsly, they're like twice the size of regular trucks. 

look mom i can use fancy words!

You want to change this. There is something fundamentally flawed in the premise, and these things are never meant to be taken at face value, no matter what Occam claims. This will take time. You will let go because this is something you refuse to do improperly. You will come back with your shield or on it, and be told: you will not. Be carried back. 

For now, all you have are your intentions. Today was not so good. But you will try tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. Because your hand is clenched so tightly over your left breast that you would not give him over for anyone less. Not even yourself. 

It is the irony that gets you. You are finally growing up and facing the vulnerability and it makes you feel like you're twelve again. Oh, you would wax poetic. Would that you could hate him for this, but there is nothing to hate. You cannot even use the time-tested and plead disrespect, because such a thought is laughable. The last time anyone garnered such loyalty and regard through so little, you were a child clinging to your brother with wide eyes. 

Though, you don't understand much. The necessity of a heart that beats like the opening lines of Waldstein. The way the minutiae of someone else's life can mean so much to you. The way you rest your forehead on the shower wall and draw tiny hearts into the condensation.  Still, for all of that, you took some things away. Skin under your fingers. Brief seconds in someone else's life. Most notably this: you love someone hopelessly as you haven't done in years. It rings false because you have no idea what it is to pursue, and it rings true because this may very well be that mythical selflessness. 

You were due for this. You were due to learn how to love and expect nothing back. Your suitors were far braver men than you, for this. You'll try tomorrow to loosen the grip a bit. It might work, or it might not. After all, you would have no other. You couldn't. It tightens as you drift asleep. 

 

*is incredibly intimidated by the isye grad classes*

*kind of does not want to take them next semester*

*panic panic panic*

 

oO_Oo

---

ETA: DUDE. they have a class where you can do IC fabrication!!!!!!!!!! that's seriously the most awesome thing ever. also i'm gonna take that class on shakespeare next spring...

lessons from andy stanley

Everyone needs emotional and moral margin. So that when culture pushes you a little further, you can account for room for error.

How far you should go with someone: =>how far you want your future spouse to have gone with their past someone.

No one ever said 'I wish my standards had been lower.' or 'I wish I had slept with more people.'

1 year off: was not supposed to be about not dating. It's supposed to be about God. I unintentionally tried finding loopholes, and while I cut dating out, I didn't cut boys out. It's not about boys anymore. It was never supposed to be.

God is not against anything. He is for someone. He's not against money. He's for us, where money has no hold over our hearts.

[cue music]

jettisoned to the center of the storm

k I tried getting into oil, but contango and backwardation are kinda over my head. =/ 

I think it will be really weird getting used to having a microwave again. Seriously, heating up food in a matter of minutes, without a stove. It's going to be awesome. 

Two incredibly, incredibly attractive people got together recently. When I found out, I won't lie; I was pretty jealous. Probably because I was thinking about where I stood with the Law Of Numerical Attractiveness (tm) and because sometimes you just have to face when people are out of your league. So it mildly bothered me for about 15 minutes until I realized I'd give it all up in a heartbeat for you. And then I didn't think about it for the rest of the day. I guess that's the power of prioritization. I think it nothing short of a miracle how everyone is a different person, and that while two people may have the same qualities, no one will ever, ever be replaceable. I could talk about character traits until I'm blue in the face and someone could come along exactly like that and it wouldn't matter because it's not you. It's a beautiful thing, don't you think? 

It also amazes me how long a person can hold a one-sided conversation through sheer will. (gg, man, seriously.) And how people aren't as ignorant as I thought, just that we can't bear to let go. 

aw man my supervisor comes back tomorrow. accountability sucks! meh, so it goes. 

crazy bought maps

cooking with canned tuna is usually a no no.

frying it with leftovers for fried rice tastes strangely like home and taiwan at the same time.

you know, eating really dry, preserved salted fish with rice and other things.

suddenly homesick...

 

i like

blue

DUCKS AND I CANNOT LIE

you other feathers can't defly

cuz when a bird walks in to an itty bitty grape

with a round string in its place you get

FLUng. 

Swear I was born right in the doorway

FRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAYFRIDAY

Lunch went okay! Wasn't too awkward, which was surprising. I learned the meaning of the word 'varmints'. (sp?) Which apparently Texas has a lot of. Also etiquette dictates that seniority pays, but I am having none of that. And lucky Fred is going to a bbq where his friends make their own beer. In a darkly comedic way, those guys had been laid off so they pretty much spent the whole week making beer. Given that kegs go for ~75 (trufax)....it's like growing your own food! Ssssoooorrrt of. 

k, I can't stand bright eyes. But I keep trying to find a song that describes it, and this is the only other one that does.

pretty much the best dinner ever: cheeseburger with a fried egg on top and fries with mayo. om nom nom nom. 

I realize now that all of our issues, while no less real, are so childish. And that's okay, because we're still children. We're still young and stupid, and it's going to take some time. We don't know the first thing about anything that matters. But that selfishness is what's owed to us. It's the summer breaks we get off from school, which are characteristic of students and quickly disappear as we go. So I don't mind when other people are working out the kinks, or if they're just by nature selfish people. I hope they can be as forgiving of my self absorbedness and other faults. 

It's going to be really strange going back to atl. So many asians. Not enough people with trucks and extensive knowledge about machines. I might...actually...miss that, maybe. Except for Mustang Fred. Mustang Fred has a yellow mustang. (gg)

=/

It's no use 
Mother dear, I 
can't finish my 
weaving 
You may 
blame Aphrodite 

soft as she is 

she has almost 
killed me with 
love for that boy

_sappho

 

this is definitely something new.

my life

my mom and i call each other during the day to discuss the stock market. 

sometimes she knows to hang up quickly ("it won't go to 30.90. better limit at 30.80." *it goes up to 30.98 in the next 10 minutes*) the ensuing conversation pretty much goes like

• me: "mom!!!!!" D: D: D: DDDDDD: 
• mom: "lololol" 

and other times i am all like collect! collect!!! 40% profit in a foreign alternative energy is weird!! and she marks it at 12 and the day's high is 11.99. 

gawd. the lawls. 

off your lips in slow currents

so i was reading about Apple today when they were all like blah blah blah pretty good AND THEN THE IPHONE HAPPENED. and like. idk it's just me but i wouldn't ever want to own one. they're too shiny and cool-looking. i would feel the compulsive need to wipe the cover every 5 minutes with a soft cloth and cradle it in my hand, while swiping gently at the touch screen. no. absolutely not. i need a phone with buttons i can mash. it has to survive the Bottom Of The Purse. and being flung onto the bed from across the room, even the times when it misses the bed and hits, say, the wall. hypothetically speaking. cough

i'm convinced the stock market will be the thing that finally teaches me patience. or, you know, gives me a lifelong pavlovian aversion to the color red.

in a classic case of Custodian v. Employee, everyone has now been ducking under the caution tape to use the bathroom. the custodians then got kinda annoyed and taped over it with LOTS OF TAPE and a Very Clear Sign. and then i heard this guy across the hall say "oh heck no. i'll slip through that tape, just watch me." (infeasible) and now all of it has been mysteriously cleared away and thrown in the trash can. guess we'll see what happens tomorrow :0

i found your song. i found your song. i found your song. after trying a couple out to moderate success, it appeared. and it is so unmistakeably and completely yours. 

anyways, how you know you're with cat interns: we were coming home from dinner and maria is all like what's making that noise in the trunk? and peter is like it's rattle. and i am like rattle? like baby rattle? and peter goes nah, rattle like with torsion. and goes on a 2 minute explanation. and i am like woah, so cool. and chris is like lawl. 

and now that i've made your brains regress a few years thanks to the way that conversation was written, good night~

skin new, hands true

dude, the dow went up almost 500 points today. 

GG.

and as much as i now want to collect profits, things have worked out so that i could stand to wait a while. as in a couple months. or years. ugh, patience. 

but the junior gold miners still make me kind of uncomfortable.

anybody up for zaxby's when i come back? gahhhhhhhhh!!!! ~____~ 

in other news, today was really really warm! also i feel like no matter how much we say, we're all equally as transparent. 

what else happened today. ummm i had to find the only open bathroom out on production floor since they closed the ones in the office. first foray out into the floor, came back 2 minutes later. second attempt, ended up getting lost and wandering through the undercarriage part of the building. then after that it was kind of like. 

• me: >___<'' *wanders around the building for 5 more minutes*
• me: *stops*
• me: 
• me:
• me: *goes back inside office building*
• me: *ducks under yellow caution tape and ignores giant BATHROOM CLOSED sign*
• me: *walks back to cubicle 3 minutes later*
• karla:  so did you find it?
• me:  yep.

seriously guys! don't laugh! the freaking building is as big as northview, but with dangerous machinery and multiple furnaces in heat treat that look like they belong in the gates of Hell. 

on another related note, i get to cook steak this week, woohoo :]

a list of the greatest things ever

• frozen custard
• seagull ftp
• stuffed penguins
• afternoon naps
• woot.com
• Portal
• zelda (OoT)
• mario
• andy stanley and northpoint community church
• nintendo DS
• zaxby's hot wings

in other news, the way i see it: everything you do, you pay a price for. so if what you gain is that your perception shifts so drastically that scales might as well have literally fallen off, well. it's not surprising that what you pay is equally as vast. so i'm not happy about it. but i'm not sorry, either. 

a slow revealing of the anon love meme

you came so late in the year that it seems kind of unfair. god, though, you make me feel so.. so different. so happy. so much. i dont know what to do, when you're moving on and on and i am gasping behind you, trying to catch my breath. trying to salvage my power and dignity, lying in heart shaped pieces obediently before you like they've known you all their lives.

that's what you get when you let your heart win

 

/agree

 

wall street took such a beating today...

since our plant's on shut down next week and there's only gonna be 7/hundreds of people in our building there (yes, the two interns are one of those 7) we've decided. ROLLER CHAIR DERBY. that's right. rolling rolly chairs down the hall with tbd-jousting implements and or flying cubicle magnets. and possibly brandon's nameplate. jk. probably only nick's. 

nick was the one who suggested it, but when i asked him if he wanted to take part he said, "can't do it while we're here...we wanna keep our jobs lol. just take pictures." 

i've been racking my brain but no one compares. no one even comes close.

i was emailing my dad through the day talking about random things like dwindling manf jobs, price of gold/silver, GLD conspiracies, when i was like o btw does mom want to start a garden? 50 dollars worth of seeds = 1200 dollars worth of produce. might be a good project. 

he replied, "i forwarded this to mom. i can hear her yelling now."

 

 

priorities

you know, i can't say i feel too bitter.

after all, i got the only part that mattered. 

oh jeebus. did i really just drop 1k on random gold stocks that i decided over the course of five minutes? 

after i pressed the ok button i was kind of like OH HAI J, MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THROUGH A LITTLE MORE.

on the other side of the coin, can the Fed just unilaterally print 1.2 trillion USD from nothing?

so we'll see in the next few months.

 

you are everything i want, 'cause you are everything i'm not

my inarticulate storebought hangover hobby kit, it talks

and it says, "you, oh, you are so cool." 

emo songs. i won't lie, i totally love emo songs if i can relate to them. the sadder melodramatic ones, not so much. but the whole "under the cork tree"-esque where it's all self loathing and desperation and "oh screw you," that crap i eat up with a spoon. 

i totally love this song, btw.

why:

because the market's not complicated. 

it's uncertain, but at the end of the day you have in your hands (or account, rather) the effects of what you'd sown. so you sold on the low. that's what you have. so you got out early. that's what you have. 

with people, sometimes you do all the right things and it still doesn't work anyway. sometimes you're the most beautiful, wonderful girl i know, and you've never been truly kissed. no one deserved someone more than her. but that doesn't matter because that's not how it works. it is completely arbitrary. 

what's more? the market's not selfish, and i never, ever lost respect for it. 

so that's why. because if i had any sense at all, i'd grow up, give thanks, and find something to preserve. i have no use for anything useless. 

WAITING FOR TOMORROWZ?

pretty accurate, in light of all the optimism from the 4 day rally. also pretty cute. pretty cute. (lawl until we get the finance sector in somewhat passable condition, this is so not the bottom....never trust CNBC)

buh. sleep. 

who has to know?

i'll keep you my dirty little secret

don't tell anyone, or you'll be

just another regret

I'M SO CONFUSED

gg. i just spent literally 3 minutes convincing myself it was wednesday. because for strange reasons, i thought it was tuesday. wait, it really is wednesday right? because like. i think today was pizza day. and wednesday's always pizza day. tomorrow's thursday, right? 

breath is fast and the trains are slow

i remember the little things best. yellow t shirts as bright as the sun and almost as warm. allen's face on the first day of work. sharing a smirnoff ice by the pool with a few friends. drinking cream soda with my brother. 

hahahahahaha sneaking downstairs at 6:45 in the morning in 4th grade for some strange reason and hiding underneath the piano. while he came in, turned on the light, and stood there for a few moments. he can't see me. he can't see me, i thought. geez. looking back on it now, i really wonder what was going through his head.

when i think about it, if i ever liked you, i probably remember your exact position when i first saw you. even if i didn't. like you that way, i mean. the brain has a nifty little way of remembering things concerning people who will mean something to you. it was shaun, sang, minhee on that couch, in that order. zack, chris, sean, when i first met them. though i only remember the outline of sean's face. can't remember much of kevin's face anymore, but i can tell you the color of the frog he caught on my driveway and exactly where he sat in the library when he looked up and caught me staring. 

the second floor lounge with my boys. man, i miss them all. foreman, sang, minhee, shaun, hang, rosh, pratik. i really wanna say those were my happiest memories that year. 

walking arm in arm with emily down the hmart aisles every friday. late night talks on stephanie's bed. MAWR MAWR MAWR MAWR. eating chocolate covered strawberries with her from lexington on a sunny day. and chocolate covered strawberries by the pool. (is there a theme here?) making green tea out of my ghetto water boiler and eating ginger snaps and barbeque buns with ginger on a makeshift table. getting so sugar high off peanut butter cake and twirling down the hallways. the shape of the cup of water hibisca handed me in the morning after studying all night and feeling like crap. the layout of the room as we played filler on kongregate. 

getting up at 5am to go to a freaking waffle house in destin. or was it 1 am?3 am? whatever am; it was AM enough to ensure that going to bed after eating would be an Incredibly Bad Idea.  and 'delicious little balls'. 

so don't tell me to forget the useless information. it's precious. 

 

but saying what you mean is not one of them

the most interesting things always happen to me at walmart.

these two guys my age, probably a year or two younger, approached me today and asked me for money. i gave them a dollar, because while REALLY SKETCHY DRUGGIE JUNKIE looking, he also smiled and was really polite and i am kinda weak like that. 

now i'm kinda worried they needed food.

course, they could be trying to buy alcohol. so...idk i should have asked them. 

and then a random guy saw me in the water section and commented on how it was messed up that we had to read the labels on water. like "hmm i wonder what's in this. water, maybe?" he was pretty awesome.

and then the man stocking beef said hi to me! ever since coming here, i find that when random people say hi, it makes me v. happy. 

the end.

 

 

Tell yourself nothing's happened
You feel okay when you're asleep
It's the same mistake you keep making
You wake alone but you're not free

All your friends may go
and your luck may go
but you never feel as bad as when she goes 
It's all I know

All the time you were happy
It makes the end so hard to take
How a voice can fill a room like singing
the crooked moon upon her face

All your friends may go
and your luck may go
but you never feel as bad as when she goes
It's all I know

All I know
Some move like they were blinded 
some never let it show
I knew somehow, I'd have to let it go.

 

have you ever met someone that was just so skilled at twisting that knife in? frankly, it's a bit amazing.

picspam

so i stumbled upon this sort of outrageous british teen drama which i don't really plan to watch more than two episodes of because it's like gossip girl (but arguably better or so they say?).

conclusion: i now have a ridiculous tv!crush on nicholas hoult that actually rivals that of adam brody. 

how so attractive, nick? 

(lol)

(yeah the juxtaposition is intentional)

we must all let go of the breath that we hold

it's so easy to take for granted what i have.  in high school, we're too busy in our TEENAGER LIFE ZOMG to really care about anyone but ourselves. in college, we're surrounded by those who are smart and those who are smarter. of course there will be stupid people who like. run into doors and giggle or something, or sleep around. but for the most part, at tech, they then get up and head off to chem lab. adults consist of crazily intelligent theorists and research pioneers; anyone else tends to be parents. which i have found: my mother has never been wrong about anything where it mattered. stop worrying, i'll say. and then she's proven right. and then she proceeds to cook dinner and do my laundry. 

so given this type of environment, my world is so narrow, like the frog in the well who can only see a small circle of the sky. 

coming here, then, where most of the workers are over 40 with no college experience and doubtful high shcool education, is jarring. because i see how it looks in my mind as i read these words, and it's completely different when i'm surrounded by those actual people. 

walking in the shop, having a processor explain how the machines work; they cut in with their own comments. they're helpful. kind hearted. they smile, and one of them reaches out with a bucket of gum and urges us to take a few pieces.  some of them will mutter under their breaths about interns, but who could hardly blame them. 

"i'll be timing," i say to one of the guys running a test machine. "cycle time?" he responds, and i nod. the words sound reluctant on his lips, as though he's grasping for understanding. like that annoying kid in your class who asks questions with advanced terminology to seem smarter and suck up to the teacher. only this guy's not annoying. he's curious and grasping for straws because he wants to know something more. then, one of two things.

i never, ever want to take learning for granted. i'm surrounded every day by people two or three times older than me, all of whom probably wish they could have the same education. i know, i just know that when i get back to tech, i'll be complaining like i've done for the past three years about tests and late nights and stupid group projects. especially with senior design coming up soon. but geez, when i think about it now, every day i spent and will spend there suddenly seems so precious. it's both humbling and depressing, realizing where i am but realizing where they are, too.

it was easier when everyone around me was young and capable. to go on thinking this was all there was to the world. a world where everyone is in constant demand for your mind and skills, and your future shines bright with possibility. all we have to do is consent to try a little harder. they don't have that option, and i cringe a little to think of the bitterness they might feel. like how one of my friends came back with a green belt the other day. a second year! and i was like D: D: D: . i imagine it must be about one millionth of what they feel. 

my dad always tells me to appreciate tech, or just college in general, because i don't know how many other people would like to be where i am. but i never-- you know? i never--

until i came here. 

being around these people. their utter unrefined goodness makes me completely reevaluate what i thought the worth of a person was. of course there will be christian learnings in which we supposedly already know this. but i am not so naive as to believe none of us would feel (wrongly) ashamed of being a management major. we've all, at one point, considered ourselves better than our friends. 

i guess what i'm saying is--high school? you know, in that stage where the number of APs they take determines their sense of entitlement and they go on and on about college. and you wanna shake them by the shoulders and say once you get to college, none of that matters. there will be people smoking pot who are preternaturally gifted in computer coding and presidential scholars who write erotic poetry. your APs don't determine your personality, and how successful you'll be. maybe it's a factor, but then, so is everything. and then in college, i feel like someone should have shaken me--shaken all of us-- and said  this doesn't make you better than someone who studies communications at UGA. not better than journalism at georgia state, and not better than management at tech. there's someone hundreds of miles away who never made it past high school, with graying hair and a dirty shirt. he'll pull out a chair for you, and if you're bored he'll go get his rusty 10 year old radio, fish out an extension cord, and plug it in. 

you hear stories like this all the time. but when i realized it, i realized it. it hits with a terrifying clarity, and it's so terrifying because the truth is irrefutable. 

ugh long post is long