Friday, June 29, 2012

oh alright, fine, i'll give you a free pass for those girls in ny if you don't give me any grief about those boys at that dance show.

new ceremony

why do i still feel like my life is on hold?

do i need to get out of this city?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

affection was meant to be given and taken in equal parts

i find these days i'm a little bit starved

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

On goldfish

and how they can actually grow super big:

Daniel:  and .. they'll get really large if you let them:

Monday, June 18, 2012


i hope we last long enough for you to carve pumpkins with me in the fall.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


i used to think it strange that people in relationships would revolve around each other. you know, the No Spaces Between Your Names syndrome. "hey, are BobbyandKate coming?" it becomes weird if you're not with your significant other. like what the serious shit, gaiz. and then i lived with kevin for two weeks, and saw him every day*. i would fall asleep and wake up the sound of him coming home at 2am. it seems so different from going out on dates.

and now, i find myself sad that when i go back to jeffhouse he's not there putzing around. we'll probably go back to dinners, and dates, and that's cool too. it's just strange because i think something has changed, and now i wonder where he is and what he's doing. it feels like he should be somewhere within my vicinity like some sort of electron cloud.

and since this is all still very new to me, i'm not sure if this is a normal progression or not. he'd never let me hear the end of it if he knew, either. and i wonder if we'll lose some of that familiarity, (the one that comes with domesticity) and if that's a good or bad thing. i'm really feeling my way around in the dark, and hoping to god i don't fuck it up.

*and holy mother of fuck, i'm not sick of him. i still like him. will wonders never cease? i really thought by the end of it, one of us would end up dead. or both. actually i was envisioning some sort of alcohol induced murder-suicide, so on the whole i'd say things turned out okay.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

hydrogen peroxide

does it ever get easier?

no matter how happy i am (and i'm pretty damn happy right now)--

does it ever stop feeling like a paper cut, seeing them together?

i haven't thought about him in a while, but it still-- kind of just--

why are some people so hard to eradicate from your heart?

Saturday, June 9, 2012


holy crap, it's been a long time since i've written anything here.

life's been changing at an interesting pace, and i'm not quite sure if i have less thoughts and so i write less, or if i write less and so i have less thoughts. or if it's a giant vicious circle. i'm at home right now anyway, and taking a bit of a breather. so i suddenly felt the desire to update.

job's been okay. need to look for a new one that's more challenging. at what point is condescension okay/not okay? people in my position at work went to perimeter, 2 year colleges; they took 5 years to graduate high school, and basically a trained monkey could do it. I know that nobody is really better than anyone else in the realm of willingness to learn/ambition/all those self controlled factors... but i feel deep down that i'm better than this. i feel some sort of disdain that i'm ashamed to even verbalize, and yet i can't bring myself to deny or convince myself otherwise. because then, i might become content, and to me that's worse than knowing myself to be arrogant. i'll say it right now if it gets me out: i deserve better, and i am damn well gonna make it happen.

paris with the moms is more and more likely. i'm pretty stoked, tbh. i love that every time i go home, i can bring back pastries, or donuts, or flowers. i love that i can buy frivolous, quietly indulgent things that they don't usually partake in. because that's what bright yellow dots do to the greyscale pointillist painting of life. and sunflowers, oh, if i could tend a field of sunflowers. if i could wake up and carefully place a few of them in the kitchen table vase, and drink my tea until the sunlight illuminates the leaves.

i've been living with kevin for the past week while he bides his time and moves to his new condo. It's been interesting, to say the least. i've finally un-freaked enough to date someone for longer than three months. yes, i am incredibly astonished. is there a How To Be Together for Dummies?

he's implied he wants to be In An Actual Relationship (or, if we're in high school, boyfriend-girlfriend) but i'm still hesitant. i want to be too, honestly; i think a lot of people in life are just looking to be happy and caught. with the right person, of course. as the right person. but i digress. he also said that at the beginning, errone's trying to impress each other. but by the 6 month mark, the honeymoon period is over, and you start letting down your guard, and idk, farting around each other. and you have to decide whether you want to take them as they are, or kick their farting ass to the curb (his words, not mine).

and well, why would i want to be his girlfriend if he hasn't decided whether or not he wants to take me as i am?

i guess that's what i'm really waiting for. i like him well enough, it's not that. and it's ironic that he probably feels like he's waiting for me to come around, because it's actually the very opposite. when he decides i'm someone he wants to be with, awkwardness and weirdness and farting and all, maybe he'll let me know.

ugh, would write more, but time to sreeping.