meow

holy crap, it's been a long time since i've written anything here.

life's been changing at an interesting pace, and i'm not quite sure if i have less thoughts and so i write less, or if i write less and so i have less thoughts. or if it's a giant vicious circle. i'm at home right now anyway, and taking a bit of a breather. so i suddenly felt the desire to update.

job's been okay. need to look for a new one that's more challenging. at what point is condescension okay/not okay? people in my position at work went to perimeter, 2 year colleges; they took 5 years to graduate high school, and basically a trained monkey could do it. I know that nobody is really better than anyone else in the realm of willingness to learn/ambition/all those self controlled factors... but i feel deep down that i'm better than this. i feel some sort of disdain that i'm ashamed to even verbalize, and yet i can't bring myself to deny or convince myself otherwise. because then, i might become content, and to me that's worse than knowing myself to be arrogant. i'll say it right now if it gets me out: i deserve better, and i am damn well gonna make it happen.

paris with the moms is more and more likely. i'm pretty stoked, tbh. i love that every time i go home, i can bring back pastries, or donuts, or flowers. i love that i can buy frivolous, quietly indulgent things that they don't usually partake in. because that's what bright yellow dots do to the greyscale pointillist painting of life. and sunflowers, oh, if i could tend a field of sunflowers. if i could wake up and carefully place a few of them in the kitchen table vase, and drink my tea until the sunlight illuminates the leaves.

i've been living with kevin for the past week while he bides his time and moves to his new condo. It's been interesting, to say the least. i've finally un-freaked enough to date someone for longer than three months. yes, i am incredibly astonished. is there a How To Be Together for Dummies?

he's implied he wants to be In An Actual Relationship (or, if we're in high school, boyfriend-girlfriend) but i'm still hesitant. i want to be too, honestly; i think a lot of people in life are just looking to be happy and caught. with the right person, of course. as the right person. but i digress. he also said that at the beginning, errone's trying to impress each other. but by the 6 month mark, the honeymoon period is over, and you start letting down your guard, and idk, farting around each other. and you have to decide whether you want to take them as they are, or kick their farting ass to the curb (his words, not mine).

and well, why would i want to be his girlfriend if he hasn't decided whether or not he wants to take me as i am?

i guess that's what i'm really waiting for. i like him well enough, it's not that. and it's ironic that he probably feels like he's waiting for me to come around, because it's actually the very opposite. when he decides i'm someone he wants to be with, awkwardness and weirdness and farting and all, maybe he'll let me know.

ugh, would write more, but time to sreeping.