i'm not happy when other people are happy, and i'm not happy when others are sad.

i don't particularly feel like examining this, but either way, aint nobody got time til they got a new job.

drinking the kool aid

one of those days where you're just drained, and you don't know who to talk to or what to say to them or what to do in order to fix it.

it's these times i miss you the most.

not because i think you would've solved anything. but because maybe what i want is a hand to hold and the crook of someone's neck to settle into.

reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaach reach inside for the numb

futility vs. resistance

it's stupid to say, i would have worked the hardest to make you happy.

if that's how it worked, i'd be with andrew already now.

that being said, it is 99% of what matters.

ugh, idk what i'm talking about. spent most of today being wired off one cup of extremely good coffee.

but we press onwards.

masochism

i will be the first to say that for some reason this weekend, things have been a little more vulnerable than usual. that weird ache when i think about kevin dating someone returned, but hopefully it'll go away soon. it's like, a really dumb twinge though.

it's become really easy, you know. to say to people, 'you'll get over it soon. it'll just be numb, and you eventually stop thinking of them.' because i was there. to an extent, i still am.
but i remember those attacks of nostalgia in between the days of slow recovery. how awful it was, heartsick and frozen with fear.

elysia's feeling particularly vicious today. and because i'm feeling vicious towards myself, this is probably the day i'll ask her how he's doing.

i couldn't ask her on a day she'd even think about sugar coating it.

why do you care?

btw i can guarantee you that i'm not going to remember that post i just made. because i already dont remember what the fuck i wrote in it. just...just puttin that out there.

Old stomping grounds

Sometimes I ponder about the fact that after everything, I still couldn't call you my boyfriend.
But also I'm cold and pleasantly drunk and I went to cafe nineteen and was served by the waitress you thought was so hot, and I remember all my reservations and why I never would have wanted a boyfriend to disrespect me like that. So maybe it's sad on two counts. Pyrrhic victories all around. Tha k god for autocorrect

metamorphose (v.)

by the way, dear, i'm not sure if you noticed, but you were on the cusp of something very new right when we broke up.

it was in your considering eyes when i mentioned an art show.
it was in the gym shorts newly rested on your sofa.
it was in the way you asked to cook together.

it really is a shame.

you were a god in the chrysalis.

mnemosyne

yknow, i did have some great times with kevin, though. i haven't laughed that bone crushing, gasping for air kind of laugh since we broke up. even though i don't feel much now, i can see why i felt there was so much of him to make my peace with.

and at the end of the day when he's done being the fake him that he thinks will impress people, i hope his thoughts drift to me once in a while and in those moments, that he thinks of me fondly.

viices

crush on D waning, just like i was pretty sure it would.
interesting new side development: starting to be okay with casual dating.
as long as i'm single, and as long as i'm here...
well... might as well enjoy it~

the paradox of wanting to tell people you don't care anymore, but by doing so you prove yourself wrong.
so far i think i'm doing okay

Perils of being a techie

Context: received a fb notification that K invited me to a gt alumni happy hour. The first thought to enter my mind: "I wonder if Kevin wrote a script to send invites to all the Asians on his flist, because why the hell would he invite me to an event he is going to be at." ...the hell? Automation is the only possibility I can think of atm. My thought process can't be normal.

BREAK IN CASE OF INFATUATION

i'm full, thanks

i wish i could get past the frozen in place, can't eat, uncomfortable nervousness of the crush.
to the part of me that could maybe be just a little bit charming.
so that i could win over that part of you that's just a little bit charming

it seems so easy for everyone else

the no bullshit version: daniel will probably be the jin equivalent from way back when.

you could do worse though, sweetie.

あのさ ... sometimes mike still crosses my mind. and even though it sucked, god, am i grateful that he happened.

it goes to show, it's like that dude said: better even the swiftly fading moment of blah blah blah than the epoch long unconsciousness of the stone. or something.

nothing hurts forever, and that right there; that's some wonderful news

ever wonder if i will ever like someone as much as i liked him? anyway.

god, i want you out of my life so fucking bad.

ohhhh that dirty bastard, he figured out how to fire his shots so they hit, and of course it would be through music.

orion

i am okay with this mild and harmless crush i have on you being the most poorly kept secret in the world.

maybe then you'd know that if you ever wanted to, you could do something about it.

you know. not that it's the right time,

but if the stars ever aligned.

day after snowboards

everything hurts so bad but

• everyone else boarded way harder than me
• my friend is currently dealing with road burn
• soreness always goes away

so i'm just going to sit here and feebly mew on my blog 

olympic airwaves

it doesn't hurt anymore.
i dont visit your facebook or feel the need to talk about you to other people online.
it's like, when you moved on, suddenly i realized that i did too.

soon, i won't even mention your name. not anywhere, not even here. that's how i'll really know that it stuck.

and then after that, you won't even cross my mind.

defriending kcho was the best decision i ever made. if your name follows, i daresay it won't be skin off either of our backs.

!

god, i can't explain it, but i feel so fucking fine today.

it doesn't hurt anymore, and i don't know if it's a one day thing and i'll relapse, or if it's the start of something better, but oh my god, i'm okay, holy shit, i've been waiting forever for you. even if it goes away, i know without a doubt that this, this is the first time i've been default better. and it feels amazing.

i'm doing great!!!!!!!!

:D