economic decision analysis

i could be cleaning my kitchen. for some reason it smells gross and i swear i am gonna fix it one way or another.

or, i could be doing my shit that i have due tomorrow. or.... not

so, i was wondering.

are you allowed to be happy when you know you shouldn't be? when that married 20-something woman who works at the cafe smiles at you, or your best friend's boyfriend, is it okay to let that not-quite-hope bloom in your chest?

where is the line? what's allowed?

because of course you know you shouldn't. but happiness is happiness, and for such a short time as 80-something years, do we just say fuck it? we take what small pleasure we can find, wherever it is?

i'm of two minds on the matter. sometimes it just leads to no good, and everyone knows it.

but i've always been prone to needlessly complicating things. maybe i should just give  it a rest.
if there is one thing i have learned, it's that everything comes at a price.


take what you want and pay for it.

pen in hand

my life is currently a freaking t.s. eliot poem.

i know you're displeased with me.

i'm sorry.

even though you don't look at me anymore,

i still find you utterly captivating.

all we've got tonight

before this school year is over, i'm going to heavyatl.

don't exactly know when, or how, since i lack that particular friend set. and a fucking car

but it's gonna happen, so.

there.

does no one else have wanderlust? 

take it slowwoaahhhhhh

so i'm 22.
i spent my first year being legal in beer bars and the occasional show?

can we spend this year getting wasted and going to graveyard tavern and electro-hop dance parties? cuz i like those too.

who knows?

try everything once. or twice.

i need people willing to do new things. WHERE

greed in excess

i should just leave well enough alone.

i got what i asked for

and now i let go.

know what i mean, boys?

today prof. hackman smiled hi to me when he entered the classroom. he's one of those professors that really likes putting people on the spot, you know? he'll randomly go "and that's project valuation, guys. andrew, are you eating? what are you eating? man, that's healthy. i like tomatoes too!"

he knows my name, and he asked where i went for undergrad. by going here, i feel like i have something to live up to.

despite the dead-on impression of a deer in headlights look that i do when he calls on me (and he does so often), he seems to tolerate(? like?) me.

so you know what, hackman?

i am going to ace the fucking shit out of this class for you.

peer evaluation

wasn't prepared for that hot curl of jealousy, low and steady in the pit of my stomach. wrapping itself around my vocal chords.

but you know what they say.

keep kicking ass and being awesome.

oh...that's not what they say?

sucks for them, i suppose



but actually, you know what i realized?

we have no claim to the things we have no claim to.

we all still grasp as desperately as we can.

get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute

i started running again!! it feels so good. especially the day after, when you're pretty sore. love it love it love it.

the grass outside 8th street << grass in front of the love building. we did get in some quality grass rolling time though! that has got to be like the funnest activity in the history of the world that involves grass!

you know, among the things i'll never understand is the fact that all my post doc researchers from the physics institute? they go on facebook to play cafeworld. i just. what is this even.


so my roommate walked in at the exact moment i clicked on one of my internet friends' links that may or may not have involved a tom hardy picspam. damn, was that awkward. but considering the conversation went
bobo: hey, have you seen this buzzbags advertisement? they're offering money for eggs. i thought they meant chicken eggs?
me: .........

i'm just gonna consider that whole 3 minute exchange a wash and forget about it, possibly for  the rest of my life.


my engr econ prof really likes asking us things and saying "if you dont get it/if you can't do it by now, see me after class. because there are a few things you can do, but continuing this course isn't one of them."

this is me in a foetal position on the floor of the IC: orz

yes, i did just use the english spelling for that. i think it makes me more distinguished. is it working?

here's something.

no matter what i feel about you

i will never criticize you sincerely

and tell you you aren't important to me

not because i am against honesty

or because i am weak

but because as humans,

we never forget it.

life is too short

and there is no time for that kind of

lasting pain.

I'M OUT OF COOKIES

exerpts from a book written in my head

love, for me, will always be this: reconciling the desire to be close enough to someone that your souls are intertwined--with the thought that you are satisfied being a minute blip in their world.

make no mistake: i want to lick the tiny dip on the back of your neck, and kiss the wrinkles around your eyes and know you so completely that your competence no longer intimidates me.

i could go on for years just passing you in the hallway, marveling that you know who i am. never wanting more, just hoping for your quick smile.

it will always be this contradiction. i will never know which one, or how it's possible to feel both.

but i love you.

as long as i know that, i don't need to bother too much with the whys and hows.

maybe they were important, once, long ago, but no longer now.

life lesson no.284

i think one of the biggest lessons in life that we can learn is that we are happy to do things for those that we love. in the same way, we must understand that others are capable of feeling the same towards us, and we mustn't take that lightly.

i think i have very strange relationships with people in my life.

one is strangely domestic.

• 
  
• fuck i am SO 
• 
  
• BEHIND

ok... now what do i do?

all the possibilities, i'm sure you've heard

that's what you get when you let your heart win

how to pick girls up in an elevator

hahaha the look of derision on his face when i mentioned isye, and how quickly it slid off when i mentioned being a grad student. actually pretty hilarious.

also, not a sno cone's chance in hell.

(sno cones are more delicious than snowballs.)

ugh, terribly obvious

huh.

UNTIL THEN, LALALALALA





in other news, someone should rename grad school "That Place Where You Learn To Babysit Socially Inept Indians and Talk to Foreigners"

that is all.

pay no mind

so at student center training, mike and i switched name tags. i had nowhere to stick it after it was over, so i put it on my wallet. after being like HAY LOOK today, he was like "i stuck mine on my external hard drive :D" and i was like :O you didnt throw it away! so his external is probably named janet now.

mike is pretty much the best thing ever :)