Thursday, March 29, 2012

strange still, this beating thing

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

there was previous context, i swear

 k:  baby
you're the pineapple to my heart
 me:  pineapples and hearts dont go together
you should have said
you're the goat to my wheel of parmesan cheese
 k:  i
 me:  hahahahaha
 k:  you're so

this boy is as weird as i am. 
do you think that sometimes the saddest story is that someone just didn't love you and found happiness with someone else?

Monday, March 26, 2012

how in the hell am i going to hide this giant ass hickey during tomorrow's interview

Monday, March 19, 2012

with your shield or on it

this week is do or die.

i want an offer.

gonna do my best, my absolute best, to make sure i get it.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

spotty memory, sore all over. tinged with vague shame, etc, etc, etc.

overly flirtatious behavior recalled, but no truly bad decisions. successkid.jpg

i'm glad i got to be a part of the hype. sometimes you kinda just wanna be out in the streets partying with a million other drunk people, instead of being inside claiming you're too cool for that shit.

saint patrick's day in savannah was hella fun.

time to get my ass to bed.

Monday, March 12, 2012

how do you tell the difference between discomfort with someone because they're wrong for you and discomfort because you've never actually learned how to be with someone?


travel, and travel often when you have the means.
it's good, i think, to face our mortality. and to face the streams of others' lives that we only get to be a pebble in, instead of a raindrop.
(which is to say, we don't get to live that life, and see it through to its end in the ocean. we get a snapshot, staid and sedentary--)
and it's good to be reminded of that, to understand that even though we're all just river stones, it's one thing to become wet from being thrown in;
we become smooth and weathered
and forever changed, slowly and continually. those are the true impacts of people and places in our lives.
even if we don't realize it just yet.
it's our duty to grow. and to revel in all the water in the world. tempus fugit.

denmark. hong kong. reykjavik. mallorca. corfu. utah. auckland.
i would love to make much of you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

have not been sleeping well.

scumbag circadian rhythm, too.

last night, wasn't sure if it was because my mind was so cluttered or it was the green tea before bed, or the sheer stress, but i just laid in bed staring up, unable to move. usually it takes me 2 minutes, 3 tops.

had some decently unsettling dreams too, can't remember them.

i think something is wrong. this hasn't happened in years.

really need to stop watching those amnesia walkthroughs.


/quietly sobs in corner

Saturday, March 10, 2012

double space thoughts

i don't think there's really such a thing as "winning the breakup".

while it does seem often that sometimes there's a clear winner/loser and other times there...simply isn't,

wouldn't you agree that the victories are always, always pyrrhic.

to reduce something to a game like that, to so cruelly assess who cares less, to take pride in having moved on or other people's breakups...

something about that doesn't seem very right to me either.

or is it naive to think of it in such a manner?

to deny the human nature of lashing out when wounded, eager to inflict pain--

what we are really doing is searching for empathy. it's just not fair,

that they should move on, and so you must eke out your misery in the form of anger.

that's normal.

we must be kinder. still, even when someone has the "better boyfriend" or "better girlfriend"

"upgraded" or "downgraded", so to speak,

one really has to wonder if it matters in the grand scheme of things.

does it justify the failure of this relationship? does that make the remnants less painful, or worthwhile, or slippery?

and if, in the context of this relationship, it means nothing

then what is the point of having "won"?

Friday, March 9, 2012

falling water

… And even those 
Catastrophes that seemed to alter everything 
Seem fleeting, grounded in a natural order 
All of us are subject to, and ought to celebrate. 
—Yet why? That things are temporary doesn’t 
Render them unreal, unworthy of regretting. 
It’s not as though the past had never happened: 
All those years were real, and their loss was real, 
And it is sad—I don’t know what else to call it. 
I’m glad that both of us seem happy. Yet what 
Troubles me is just the way what used to be a world 
Turned out, in retrospect, to be a state of mind, 
And no more tangible than that. And now it’s gone, 
And in its place I find the image of a process 
Of inexorable decay, or of some great unraveling 
That drags the houses forward into emptiness 
And backwards into pictures of the intervening days 
Love pieced together out of nothing. And I’m 
Certain that this austere vision finally is true, 
And yet it strikes me as too meager to believe. 
It comes from much too high above the world 
And seems to me too hopeless, too extreme— 
But then I found myself one winter afternoon 
Remembering a quiet morning in a classroom 
And inventing everything again, in ordinary 
Terms that seemed to comprehend a childish 
Dream of love, and then the loss of love, 
And all the intricate years between. 

— from “Falling Water”, by John Koethe

Thursday, March 8, 2012

while you live it up

i sat here for ten minutes thinking about how to adequately articulate my feelings.

all i could come up with is this:

i miss drinking coke.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012



Monday, March 5, 2012

what is this fucking strange feeling in my chest


fuck dis shit, 4reals


Saturday, March 3, 2012

looked just like you

possible date with K tomorrow :o

 it's comforting and annoying, doing this whole strange courtship thing with someone who clearly knows that you are both in fact doing this whole strange courtship thing. someone that knows with confidence (and tells you as such, in that manner) that you don't want just friendship.

you bristle, and narrow your eyes in their supposed presumptuousness. but you can't bring yourself to truthfully deny it.

before i start putting the cart before the horse though, i need to tell him about the premarital sex thing. i do worry that it'll be a deal breaker. odds are pegged at about 75%. but i think it's early enough that i'll move on pretty fast. we'll see.

weeeeeee'lllllll seeeeeeeee

Friday, March 2, 2012

the big painting project

1. emily (2/2/12)
i understand that i'm self centered. among other things.

i'm trying. it's a work in progress. give it time.