i didn't want to review the year, so i'm not going to. it's a bit difficult when you're a student and the school year is different from the real year, with a giant summer in between. i imagine it'll get easier as t approaches infinity. oh god. in any case, i had resolutions last year and i managed about half of them. not great, but not terrible.

i'm a firm believer in resolutions though. i know people say it's pointless because you end up breaking them, or being unrealistic, but then. why get married? why love, or aspire to anything? it's always worth a shot.

1. read a book a month. (this will be easier now that i have a nook and can read trashy novels instead of impressive classical literature)
2. www.reddit.com/r/projectreddit
3. yes, i do still want to do BMP. 
4. run my first 5k! and run a six minute mile. 
5. halfway through hanon, somewheres with rach
6. go somewhere outside of the country, and do it right. 
7. talk to someone i've lost touch with or haven't talked to in a while, at least once a week. 
8. apologize to the people i should apologize to. this is actually just minhee. 
9. be kind. 

I GIVE YOU TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF TEARS
TEARS OF JOY
TEARS OF UNMITIGATED BRAIN TRAUMA

when i have a house i wanna keep it completely empty (minus bed and shit) and slowly fill it with things i love.
like lights in mason jars, and canvases that say "IS IT ART YET?" and ceiling to wall bookshelves and tables placed just so.

win some money

they're trained from the start to go for the jugular, the only difference is when.
and if you forget it for a second, so much the better for them.
just because you're playing poker with a nice person does not ever mean you've stopped playing poker.
nice means they bleed you out subtly, but you don't bleed out any less.

at its very core, it's a game of ruthlessness.

and that's the last about it that you'll hear from me.

that awkward moment when i realize jin is sang and nash combined and then jacked up to +50 intelligence.

that subsequent moment i realize i may have gotten myself in over my head....

suddenly--


--

i find i have so little to say.


but these things come and go, like they always do. a brief intermission before the resumption of play.

i have a significant crush on the eleventh doctor.

god, why is this show so good.

the anonymous love meme

http://bookshop.livejournal.com/467532.html

words and words and words and memories

jamais vu

i'm gonna buy a camera before i go to taiwan next, so you can understand.
one of those fancy shmancy things that makes everything look better than it is
because i remember everything better than it was
and the significance of things holds more weight by far than their actual existence

green

if we were really sure we were one of a kind, there would be no envy. my envy demeans both of us-- no wonder it is the hardest sin to confess. it says i am not who i think i am unless i have what you have. it says that you are what you have, and i could have it.

no one will ever know exactly how close i cut it every semester...

=w=

meaaaaaaaawr we haven't talked or seen each other all day but i'm definitely not sulking.

i don't care if i get out with a bang or a whimper or on my fucking knees kissing the asses of all my professors.

i just. want. out.

intro

Jin: k
later stupid head

me: night dumb butt
 Sent at 2:09 AM on Saturday

this is what we've progressed to :|

Never Tell (exerpt) _ James Christy

Hoover: you know how you said you needed a change?
Liz: yeah.
H: I'm the change.
L: How are you the change?
H: I don't know how to say this.
L: Just say it.
H: [exhales] You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together. [beat.]
L: really?
H: yeah.
L: when did you decide this?
H: today at work. but i didn't decide. i had this sort of vision. and you were in it. you were all over it.
L: i was. so what about me, do i have any choice in this?
H: choice doesn't really enter into it. this is fate.
L: oh, it's fate. you didn't tell me it's fate.
H: it is.
L: the rest of our lives? that's, that's a long time.
H: right. so it's a bit sudden. but the point is, it'll be a better thing for you, us being together.
L: a better thing?
H: i mean, i think there's something wrong. with you.
L: this is how you pick up women? does this work?
H: i'm just saying i think i could help. and these [panic] attacks, they won't happen when you're with me.
L: why not?
H: because you won't be scared anymore.

alksjdfhaskljasfhd

Jin:  I just yawned, and my chapped lip thing hurt

 me: aw :<

get some chapstick

it's not girly if you get the kind with the black label

 Jin:  never, chapstick is the most annoying thing ever, it's like constantly having something on your lips

 me:  yeah

something that keeps it from being dry and or cracked

 Jin:  Hm. Sounds too girly.

 me:  in general though, vaseline is the best

or burts bees

 

 Jin:  I've seen the guy checking out of the grocery store with vaseline, and I know what I don't want to be:

The guy checking out of the grocery store with vaseline.

we're gchat friends now!!!
:)
more later on general thoughts of pursuing someone who by nature makes a habit of ruthlessly learning and cutting people down with that sharp tongue.
BUT FOR NOW FINALS

sunny day

 "It's Real" nails the feeling of when love goes from being The Great Intangible to something that settles in your bones. --Martin Douglas

taken from the pitchfork top 50 songs or something. and that new real estate album is pretty damn baller, not gonna lie. but something about this wording, is just so. true. not true in the binary sense; true in the way that self respect or the soul is true.

being able to recall someone's face from memory, rather than intangible birds eye views of clothing and movement. because they are familiar now.
understanding, really understanding them, and making allowances for when you don't.

love never really stops being The Great Intangible, but all that mystery and wonder and fierce feeling takes residence in your bones and flows through like DEADLY NEUROTOXIN

wait
insert something poetic instead of a Portal reference
..
nope gonna keep it

zach braff-ness

him: why are you always here?
me: well, who do i see here that i don't see anywhere else
me: the more i talk to you, the braver i get 
me: I'M WEARIN' YOU DOWN, BABY, I'M WEARIN' YOU DOWWWWN
me: my computer at home is too slow

CHASE//runaround

from the skinned knees or the scars on your arms or your face or the way athletes walk with a subtle limp and the callouses on a guitar player, you carry your scars with you everywhere. imperfections are wonderful despite (or because?) skin is sacrosanct and i intend to spend every minute of my life giving it its due reverence. 

from the hollows of your collarbone to the dips in your hips.

, WOMP WOMP


also: my reaction to things that happened last night? this.

no but really

i'm trying to condense my squee so it doesn't overflow twitter and make brian even more disgruntled than he already is, but all that's happening is i'm bringing it to blogger.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he's here and he's wearing That Shirt and and he's here and he said hi, even --

oi. i hope this strange phase ends pretty soon.
JUST KIDDING I'M GOING TO MARRY THIS BOY
juuuuust kidding about that.
cough.

crushcrushcrush

we talked for nearly two hours yesterday. on chat (-_-) while in the same room (-______-;;;;;)

but i got to hear him quietly laugh at the things i wrote.
and i guess he got to hear me burst out laughing in a nearly silent lab. 

and i was telling him about the urban planning paper i was writing and how i wanted to work for something like the beltline one day and then he goes, he goes, oh i know a beltline kid. they gave me some of his work to correct.

at which point i was like wat. this! you! this!
IS THIS BOY EVEN REAL
ok, enough with the histrionics.

back to work.

lakjsfhasdfas happy

that moment you realize giving your crush candy may actually be the key to getting him to like you.

#mylife

boundaries

i had a meeting with someone from my urban planning class at the CULC today (he was pretty cute, not gonna lie) but holy crap, so many young people and.. and attractive, lively people..and ... and english speakers..and... young people...

...

phd kid is not ever allowed to venture farther than the student center.

>:|

i will thoroughfare for public interaction that shit. or plan a giant skyscraper obstructing it.
see, this class is proving useful already.

&#^@^

i honest to god blushed when i saw him today.

fuck it, it's a lost cause.

HE LOOKED SO GOOD ALKSDJFAHKLSDJFAHS;KASHDFLAK
i don't even care if no one understands. because i get it.
(i get it really, really bad.)

needle to skin

had dinner with my brother today. you know those leadership/business books where they always talk about having a mentor, and how it changed them in x amount of ways? i really believe that's what daniel's set the course to becoming. and i'm unbelievably blessed for it. it's frustrating a lot of times, but. idk, i actually took so much away from our meeting. he said this:

you have to have a plan. you have to be working towards it. it could be overarching, or long term, or it could change at the drop of a hat. but you can't just be floating. it's ok to not know what you want to do, but you should have an idea of what you want. 

and after thinking about it, i might just have an idea. it's really scary, because that means you take responsibility for it now, right? but i'm thankful.

in other news, i was mulling a bit over the E and M situation in my spare time on the bus, the one that may be unfolding UNBEKNOWNST to me. i don't want him to sleep with her. i don't want him, knowing she's offering a no strings attached hookup, to be the kind of person who would take her up on it. i'm not being selfish because i don't want them to be together. they can be together; they might even deserve each other. i'm being selfish because if that happens, i don't want the knowledge that i liked a complete asshole.
salvage value's still something, innit darling?
meanwhile, popcorn's still in the microwave.

if someone asked me who the person was that was able to make me cry most easily, i'd probably say daniel. with alarming, embarrassing efficiency.

but at the end of the day, the pros outweigh the cons, (which is the most important thing), and i guess i'll always be glad to be my brother's sister. he's blood, and that means something.

fuck, i have to go to sleep, and i've still got so many thoughts and i don't really know what to say
i like someone and i think i see something in them that people don't really often see, you know, they just call him weird but i think he's wonderful and belligerent and maybe a little boring like me and we could get along if he ever knew the me that i knew. the one that doesn't giggle.

but it's stupid because we both know i'm leaving in less than two weeks and for him to do anything about it would be to hold him to standards of courage i'm unwilling or unable to assign to myself.
and i'm not fucking prepared for finals and i can't ever get up in the morning, and fuck, i just need to settle down because in the outcrop-- ahhh i have no idea what i'm talking about. this is the last time i read questionable things before bed. the end.
i have cinnamon rolls and panettone in the fridge that i will never finish.

pinolillo

giving things to people makes me happy. giving things and cooking for people, and leaving my mark. i could hardly bear to wear those cheapo heart shaped glasses for fear i'd scratch them, and it's a shame that mike will probably never understand something like that (though i shouldn't be so quick to cast aspersions on his character, right? so it goes.)

it's not because i'm trying to be a good person either. maybe it's even the opposite of that.
i've never really thought about it before, honestly, but i think what it is, is that when it comes to other people,

it's the only manifestation of love or affection that you can ever control.

there's no telling if someone cares about you like you care about them, or feels anything at all. but if you do, then you should outpour it. because you can.

a lot of thought went into giving chad my last twix, okay?! 

i want to remember this forever

http://nedhepburn.tumblr.com/post/5415576989/let-it-be-known

out there are people like ned hepburn and richard siken and merlin mann and you just get the feeling that, oh, people are made terrible and cruel but sometimes people are made extraordinary.

 

on le corbusier and the plan voisin: the hell was that hippie up to?

you cannot love people who do not ask for love

 a poem from....someone i don't know IRL? but admire very much
 

What My Ex-Boyfriend Will Tell His New Girlfriend When She Asks About Me
(with apologies to a., who knows to never trust poetry)
That we met in exigent circumstances.
That he had a thing for girls built like me, and so —
That to him I was always like a cartoon character, something half real.
That he was in love with someone else at the time, and I mocked him for it,
and that’s why he was drawn to me.
That the girl he was in love with broke up with the man she was dating —
a no good philosopher with a hard on for Marquis de Sade
and a tendency towards obnoxious prose —
so he had to break up with me, and he thought I’d understand, and he thinks I did.
That once he texted me while I was driving back from a road trip,
and I almost drove into a pick-up truck, and I picked up
a candy bar for him from a gas station, and it was all the more romantic for it.
That the first thing I ever said to him was this is why you can’t trust poetry,
and it is still the truest thing I’ve ever said.
That he thought I had body issues, commitment issues, religion issues,
daddy issues, sexuality issues, trust issues, him issues, me issues.
That we never had a real conversation.
That it turns out he didn’t understand what he wanted from me, and
I didn’t want anything from him.
That you cannot love people who do not ask for love, and
I never asked him for anything.
That you cannot love people who ask for love, and
he never asked me for anything.

like cleopatra, joan of arc

we weren't meant to fuck and run.

justify it however you want. but the only reason we do it is because the other person isn't enough to make us stay in the way that we crave.

you really think that if someone came along that turned your world upside down in the best way, you'd say, 'yeah, i'm not really looking for anything right now' or 'i don't do long distance' or something?

bull shit.

you know it, i know it, everybody knows it. because life is about opportunity cost.

and when something's worth it to us, we damn well know.

we don't fuck and run.

what really is the quest for truth?

do we pursue it at all costs?

here's the way i see it.

if someone out there can be ridiculously endearing and charming and all those wonderful things and be completely oblivious to it and not even try --

well, maybe somewhere out there is someone that likes me just for me, as i am.

maybe?

#pining

you smiled at me and it was all over.

i smile, and go on drinking tea

living with yourself for not having taken a chance vs. getting rejected

regretting things you did vs. regretting things you didn't

shooting out of your league vs. settling

i don't know what i'm freaking out about. it's not like guys don't get rejected all the time.
but i just DO NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS.
i just don't.
alskdjfhalksdjfsahkldfjawelfa;sdfsd

*twitch*

i really, really want you.
and there's three weeks left and i won't do anything but stare at you
and you won't do anything but stare at me
and i know you do.
would you seriously just put me out of my misery and ask me out already.

ugh it's late

me:  lol

why did we do this to ourselves

this wasn't necessary

 Evan:  whoooo knows

because otherwise we wouldn't have met?

 Sent at 1:38 AM on Tuesday

 me:  we met

you wouldnt have known that's when we met

 Evan:  and you wouldn't have cared

 me:  well said

 Evan: 

I'm going to go to sleep now

my algorithm is doing its thing

and taking up 99% of the processing of all 4 cores of this computer

so I think it's in God's hands now

 me:  or mine

when i steal into your house

and break it

 Evan:  if you break my computer while this is running

I will ruin everything you know

 me:  you would have to ruin yourself

 Evan:  you would have already done that to me

 me:  worrrrth ittttt

 Evan:  I see

well, goodnight

I'll see you in hell

 me:  k i'll be carrying your broken computer with me

 Evan:  good luck. I will have broken your arms and fingers by then

we have a weird relationship

 me:  we very much do.

let her have it

so jennifer's ex boyfriend has found someone new, and i think the reason she doesn't know is because she's not on facebook. and i don't think she's fundamentally over him, not like you have to be, because she still talks about him when she's drunk.
it's probably none of my business, right? i shouldn't tell her? but what if she finds out later?

one of the things i hate most is when things are dying or bad or someone's moved on and nobody has the guts to say anything, because that's when you're blind. the whole fucking thing is a blind spot. it's a blindfold. but i mean, maybe you can be happier that way? is that worth it? is ignorance really bliss?

i really wonder.

i love you joey comeau

On unrequited love

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts. 

pun so, so intended

IT'S TOO LATE, paperclip. you have been replaced with another just like you. i took you off for TWO SECONDS and you just decided to peace out like a motherfucker, no matter how many tens of seconds i spent trying to find you. literally TWO SECONDS! how dare you make a fool of me. but that's right. i went and got another one, a red clip. and now you'll just have to live with yourself. clipping what you can to get by, knowing that somewhere, some other clip is holding together my optimization homework.

oh, pull yourself together, man.

TSPs and shit

think about this for a second.
you place a request into the stingerette system, and it determines where to insert that job such that you can pick it up en route, taking into account not only the source destination but also the sink. if you're going from IC to crecine, and you've got 4 other queued jobs/students, where they place a new job could differ than if you were to have entered 'IC to north ave', or 'Perry to crecine'. the variability increases exponentially with the number of queued jobs. but also with the fluctuation (e.g at one point you may have 4 jobs, at another you may have one).

additionally, consider vehicle constraints. the system must be programmed such that the van doesn't exceed capacity, and this is on a purely stochastic level when jobs are constantly entering and leaving. which is to say, REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT.

i really wish this dude in front of me would wear shirts that covered his midriff. why does that even. lookofdisapproval.jpg

anyway. what you essentially have is a traveling salesman problem, except all the nodes are CHANGING ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS, and really, i never find my isye more enthralling when i consider the sheer complexity and usefulness of its applications.

can you even imagine the depth of that model? jesus christ.

a few phd people/professors are working on optimizing the trolley system, but (and yes, that is nigh impossible) it doesnt even seem as impressive as the stingerettes. well, i suppose it's difficult in its own way, with stochastic interarrival times x 3827363819147. idk, whatever. tbdiscussed at a later time.

ok, ok, i'll shut up now

he has this thing called Surprise Candy, where he just puts candy everywhere in random places. and then he forgets about it, and then when he finds it, it is a surprise.

i kind of mutely stared at him for a few moments, unable to comprehend how fucking adorable he was.

i realized i just like it when he's sometimes not terrifyingly competent

enamoured?

i have to taper down this uncontrollable smiling when certain people enter the room. and maybe how happy it makes me when it happens when i'm stuck in the damn lab at midnight.

today our conversation went like this:
[11:30pm in the lab, phd kid comes in]
J: what are you still doing here?
PK: what are you still doing here?
J: i'm always here.
PK: well...me too. QED. [wanders off to his usual compy]

so, if we're both already here, does it mean we're meant for each other and can just get married now?

sekai no yakusoku

the thing about hayao miyazaki's films is that they don't try to make sense except on the basest level. the teacups are painstakingly done, as are the books and the candlestick holders, all wonderfully realistic, and then they're mashed together exponentially with fifty million other things to the point that the room becomes absurd.
it's as though he understands that what he's making isn't real life, and if it isn't, then by all means he will go completely in the opposite direction. as if to say, look how much this isn't real. 
some of that scenery....goddamn

'cept for ponyo. that shit was cray, and i can't even begin to rationalize any of it.

first world problems, entitlement issues, sartorial

if you are going to wear a suit, by god, wear it well.

get it tailored. maybe even bespoke, once we graduate and have money to burn.

because a t shirt is exactly what it is. we know perfectly well its form and function.
but oh, the potential of a suit jacket. it is meant to be a very certain thing, and how dare we insult it with the equivalent of wearing the wrong prescription eyeglasses.

now, far be it from me to advocate a 3,000 dollar simon spurr that could be buying food for hungry children. it is a bit much.

$100 in alterations though? by all means. because every man should have a fuck-you tie from Hermes. a nice watch. a Cross pen, a Mont Blanc fountain pen, and a nice suit. everything else is negotiable.

otherwise, in your thirties, you're still just a college kid trying to make do with extraneous folds of inferior material.

(for the record, i wouldn't have even let you out of the house looking like that, darling.)

mur?

doing a drake remix and got a local natives collab in the works with steph.
creative juices flowing and loving it. for reals. wine and jamming were made for each other.

SKYWARD SWORD SKYWARD SWORD SKYWARD SWORD

phd kid still endearing when he faceplants on the desk and i can see smoke coming out his ears from Teh Brain Hurts. self discovered terrible nurturing tendencies.

we're straight up american style kooking thanksgiving dinner this year! which means it's time to look for pecan pie recipes. and maybe a chocolate mousse cake. and stuffing.

shit's peaceful when you're not miserable anymore.

i don't really understand why people are allowed to move you so much.

i mean, it's a part of life. it makes you human. blah blhalahblblah bullshit blah blahb alhb

CEMENT SHOES

NOOOOOOO

i like jin a lot more than i thought i did.

fuck.

(this also means, by the way, that i act absolutely fucking retarded around him.)

aaaa;ragakljdfhaskldfa

chains

here's something to chew on. things never go as planned. like, ever. like sometimes how you plan out just how you'll approach someone and what you'll say and how they'll react and what they'll say and all that good stuff. and it's fairly feasible too. definitely feasible, but the problem is, there's too much variability. like how sometimes you know exactly what to say and then the other person leaves before you can even begin to set these things in motion. shit like that. so things never go as planned, but that's ok, because they just go another, unexpected way, and you roll with the punches and make it as good as possible. that's why you have to capture these opportunities as fearlessly as possible in the time you have.

at the same time, there's a very real and deep pleasure in being able to daydream to the boundaries of your imagination. for me, i think about a day when i'd get to see that stupid phd kid somewhere other than the grad lab. it makes me smile thinking about walking through the door with arms full of groceries, calling out "tadaiiima, chompy"; and falling into 7 feet of stuffed shark while he puts away the milk. but you know, that's just me. domesticity is probably my most closely kept happiness. because i've said it before: when given no limits or boundaries, the geography of desire is at once grander and more humble than we ever imagine.

i mean, someone wise would of course say, 'keep dreaming, kid, it's never gonna happen.' and they would be right.

but it's nice sometimes to keep dreaming. it's a bit necessary. it keeps a part of us alive, a very, very essential part of us.

stupid shark.

PHD KID IS SO FUCKING CUTE I CANNOT STAND IT

i'm fine, bitch

i watched the last half of the halloween episode of the office and wanted to cry.

in fact, i'm pretty sure the fact that i'm at the grad lab is the only thing deterring me.

and even that gate is a bit tenuous

so apparently M.F. and his whole developer team went to facebook headquarters, as showed up on my stalkerbook feed. i saw minhee in that picture and nearly dropped my fork in shock.

what the fuck?

and then on the comments, i see that both him and mike have 'liked' the status. HOW FUCKING WEIRD?
i'm not sure if it's weirder that they're connected like that or that nobody, least of all them, knows it.

oh, man.

i still remember sitting in his chair drinking shitty pina coladas, sitting in the hallways with him shooting the shit, talking with him every day on fucking AIM. he was both more and less of a brother than i've ever had, you know.

i really miss him sometimes.

i didn't do it for show. i did it to be done

it's not that obvious to me

So today I'm taking out the trash, and with it, almost every insignificantly significant thing I had of mike's. I haven't thought of or opened the bag in so long I've forgotten what's even in there. Let's see..

•   One (1) pair of heart shaped white rimmed sunglasses that he bought in spain for like two euro, to be returned
•  One (1) piece of creased blank white paper that he folded into an airplane at under the couch while talking about his father, who is a pilot
• One (1) blue post it note with a smiley face on it that he drew, and a produce sticker of an apple. I used to bite smiley faces into his apples, and move the mouth so it would talk. 
• One (1) ticket stub to the Yeasayer concert we went to. Details not worth rehashing. 
• One (1) holga film photograph of his felt gameboy ipod cover next to my felt SNES phone cover. 
• One (1) empty gum packet from when he left the last piece for me before leaving for class one day
• One (1) antennae headband from the Bugs? show. Details omitted despite being worth rehashing. 
• One (1) string of blue beads from the show too. See above.
• One (1) nametag from when we switched during student center training. Stuck on my wall and of infinitely more significance to me at that time, his name, than its physical representation
• One (1) burned cd copy of Pavement given to me for my birthday 

Looking at all these things now, it's easy to see how very little I had. Quel cauchemar. They meant so much to me then, you know?

Anyway, off to the dumpster I go....

ok, you always do something stupid at one of their parties so good god, j, do try to -- ok there's my ride

hot doorknobs

i wonder if other people felt what i feel with jason. when i see him understand that he can do better, that he deserves better. what went through people's minds when i stood on newborn legs, shaky with undodged bullets and unfinished wants. i can't help that brief bloom of --of something, when he opens his phone and then closes it again, "i'll text her later", the brief canine internal conflict before "nah, you and chad are here and i'm gonna hang out with you guys".

the knowing is enough for me, i suppose. back when i was lost in the haze, and mike could do no prosecutable wrong, and everyone, everyone, saw something frail and watery in him that i didn't-- so of course i would rather jason find someone more...more. i'm moderately satisfied if he goes into it at least knowing it's a bad idea. better that than some bright delusion. but how do you even look after someone you know nothing of, and simply feel some unexplained, illogical affection for?

hope does spring eternal, mind. lightning rods exist for a reason.

but--but-- i see that unhappy tilt of his mouth and all i can think

of is when i stuck my head out the window of a smoky room and breathed that sweet, clean air

rambleramble

chad wrapped his freakishly long (read: normal for a tall guy) arms around me yesterday in a brief hug and it was pretty much the best thing. i felt so warm and cuddled. i wish we hung out more, but i don't think we're that type of people.

've been looking into making mulled wine as the temperature drops. things have been crazy hectic these past few days, and there were definitely times i felt crazy inside. felt lately that i just can't speak with the relative ease i used to. who knows why... just have to power through it, i suppose. some days you're ahead and some days you're behind.

went and got ribs/beer with elliot etc the other day. it was mucho nice after so much business to sit back, eat stick to your gut food, drink a cold beer, and listen to blues music. like i don't even know why i haven't gotten behind this combination before. there's a party tomorrow at his place and i'm still debating how strange i wanna get. aw shit, and there's jca on sunday. welp. that's gonna be.... um. crap, i haven't thought this through.

just rambling.

took pictures of my mom. not posted, the genuine ones. the ones she wants to delete, the ones i wanna develop and frame.

i wish i had more to say.

just rambling.

BMP 10/19

BMP 10/19: pushed that button.

maybe will elaborate more later, but it was a button. we didn't know what it did.

i can't be more clear about this sentiment: after 5:30 tomorrow, NOT A SINGLE FUCK WILL BE GIVEN.

taxi cab

phd kid has this terrible habit of looking up at me unintentionally through his eyelashes and i cannot even.

it tangles up my insides somethin' crazy.

toooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaad :/

but seriously.

insides: AKLKSDJFASLDFJASHDKFA
feelings: lololololol
brain: shut up shut up shut up

locks and keys

i listen to classical music because sometimes, more often than not, when i do it just feels like--like--

there will be two measures in a chopin impromptu, trite. but it still makes sense to me, like everything is as it should be.

sometimes elgar feels like forgiveness, and beethoven feels like helplessness, and schubert feels like warmth.

but it all feels like home.

E Emily:  i think even though u super liked him

some of it comes from the fact that you weren't done

but i can't be that crazy bitch anymore. i don't wanna see you, i don't want you to miss me or think about me, or be sorry. not that you do. i'm just saying that's not what i want from you anymore.

a lot of girls are crazy, i won't be one of them

sorry it's taking me so long. it may take a bit longer. 

she tells me there's a light at the end of the tunnel though, and for the first time i think i really believe her. 

BMP 10/16

BMP 10/16: wiped up and threw away the spider i had smushed with a large book and left there for a day (and intended to leave there until it magically disappeared).


NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

the great cb

“there are worse things
than being alone
but it often takes
decades to realize this
and most often when you do
it's too late
and there's nothing worse
than too late.”
― Charles Bukowski

OKKKKKKK, OK, GETTING BACK TO BMP TOMORROW

what i realized today

i have memories of people where there was no awkwardness, or general bad feeling-ness associated with it. the eye of the shit storm, if you will. oases in shit deserts? too much. but really; nothing bad followed, and nothing bad came before. nothing bad balanced out the good; they were just these diamond gems that must have been gifts.

memories of sang that were purely good: 

1. watching the world series in the study lounge
2. that one time he knocked on my door before camping out for football tix and i made him late because i refused to let him leave 
3. that time we went grocery shopping 
4. calling him every night on thanksgiving break from an orlando hotel balcony, having someone to call that was strangely home, the feel of that warm night breeze 

memories of tim that were purely good:

1. that time i was sick and couldn't stop coughing every few seconds and he just stayed in bed and stroked my hair
2. that time before we had to DTR when we sat outside and he laced his hands with mine for a brief moment
3. that time we went to carvers and piedmont park and played page france in the car with the windows down
4. that text you went while i was working at kumon that said 'how are the little punks treating you?' i still have it saved in my phone. 
5. the first time anyone ever brushed back a tendril of my hair behind my ear 
6.  god that boy was so sweet to me

memories of mike that were purely good:

1.  

   

manquer

talking to fozz at 7:30a and knowing it's almost midnight for him in NZ and that he has to go to sleep
makes me sad.
that whole, knowing that while i was sleeping, he was x thousand miles away, getting off work and going home and being awake.
distance hurts a tiny bit, sometimes, you know?
when you realize how great it is.
even when they're right next to you.
distance in all forms.
remember that.
(especially you assholes that try to break up with your girlfriends the 'kind' way)
i miss you, ben.

muuurrrrrrrr

hello0o0o0o...

so.....just you and me....alone in the grad lab....again....

[looks over]

[looks back]

....

:*

oh for crying out loud. really? really?

glances

hey, don't gimme that shit.

I'm the one that can look, ok. I'm the one with the crush. You're just the guy who won't make a move, you can turn around and get back to work. I don't wanna see you all -- well-- ok, yeah, I don't really mind.

:3

absurdity

phd kid hums under his breath sometimes. and gestures with his hands a lot when he speaks.
i am a tiny bit smitten. just a tiny bit.
ಠ_ಠ

but then i always did have a soft spot for people that have something to say. 

i need someone to tell me to stop being an idiot.
stop being such a shitty person, stop drifting back to mike when i've had more than one beer, or at least stop talking about it (it's getting old), stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

i should be doing things that actually matter. not fostering my self absorbed ... ness.
let's try to do that instead.

I WOULD LIKE TO REITERATE THAT BOYS ARE DUMB AND I HATE THEM

alksjdfa;sdfalkdjfas;dlfkasj

FUCK THIS SHIT BOYS ARE DUMB

[LEAVES LAB]

phd kid is more trouble than he's worth.

(and he doesn't even DO ANYTHING, although, is that the problem?)

[throws up hands]

GRARGH

the transience of life to a general people is seemingly such that nobody cares until it is gone, and even after that, the interest wanes after a few days.

although we affect a choice number of people, it seems clearer than ever that our lives, as numbered and tiny as they are, are best filled from everlasting to everlasting with God in between.

that's good enough for me. that's more than enough.

seriously, though, i give it a week before all the steve jobs quotes go away

thingz

you don't think i know what you're doing, or that i notice.

but i do,
and it helps more than you know.
thank you.

ALSO NEED TO GET BACK TO THE BMP NAW MEAN

to the kid with the bob marley hair

sometimes i wonder if the future is going to be like this:

5 years later, if we're still in contact, i'll say, you know i used to have this strange sort of crush on you, and most every day i'd peek over the edge of my computer when you were at the lab, wondering if you'd ever come over and talk to me.

come talk to me :< come talk to me come talk to me i'm right here. and i wanna do things like hold your hand and kiss you hello on the cheek.

i don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way, i realized mike was not good enough.

and so, having re-re disposed of the monster

phd kid hates poetry.
this could be a problem.
but he says, "we could keep arguing about this for the next two or three years. you won't win."

ha, mechanical.
well, so it's mechanical!

on the central limit theorem and n= 31 being the magic number

me:  duly noted

please dont leave out the wlln and strong law too

 Evan:  of course not

they're very closely related

 me:  i dont even.

 Evan:  all of this makes me very disappointed by the author of hitch-hiker's guide

should not have been 42

 me:  the universe is anything but normal

especially with all the shit he writes about it in those books

and if it's not normal

you can be damn sure it's not normally distributed

 Evan:  well, if you took 31 of them and averaged them...

it would be normal

 me:  god dammit evan

 Evan:  assuming they're i.i.d. which of course they would be

 me:  you can't even assume that

there are mice

they seem to be an organization

meaning they are far from being independent

 Evan:  if we can consider the big bang to be a big Random Vector

then, so long as each universe came from a big bang...

 me:  some argue that they come from white holes

 Evan:  okay, so then big bangs are a function of white holes?

 me:  OH MY GOD

SHUT UP

i don't expect anyone to really read this, but. oh evan. 

elliotbot

Elliot: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i just wanna play video gaaaames

me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me tooooooooooooooo

Elliot: oh man
you wanna play um
metal slug or something

me: kongregate

Elliot: (i) suuuuuuuux

  me: IF NOT IN ITALICS IT DOESNT COUNT

Elliot: img src = "dealwithit.jpg"

  me: oh you think you're funny huh
hey gmail, this guy thinks he's funny
do you think he's funny

  Elliot: system.out.google("yes he's great")

hahahaha oh smaf.

crcrc

HITTIN' THE GYM
GETTIN' MAH ABS BACK
ORGANIZIN' MY SHIT
DRESSIN' LIKE I KNOW HOW TO DRESS
BENCH 65


cuz if you like it in other people, you gotta expect it from yourself first.

i'm on a mission to get those runners legs......
and really, when you get down to it, there's no excuse for consistent sartorial sloppiness.

aww yea

trial by fire

I have had a fucking weird day.

you know, as much as i don't want to run into mike, or shrug off his arm when he rests it on my shoulder, or even so much as look at him, it really comes down to this.

i don't want to go through the semester catered around it.

  it's been a while since i've thought myself a coward, and i know some people may say, going to utc while his girlfriend's there, or talking to him, or anything him, is just masochistic and it'll only hurt you. but if i was gonna go there anyway, i'm not gonna change tracks. i'm gonna face it because if i'm not stronger enough for that, then i'll learn how to be.

if it's awkward or an inconvenience to you, then you can fucking deal with it. if my presence only registers apathy, so much the better. but i'm gonna push through it and learn how to live around you. even when you're being a douchebag for trying to talk to me.

perhaps i'm not being fair to him? there's no way he knows how hard i took it.
oh well. i get to be a bitch about it.  the one walking away with the bruised heart gets to be a bitch about it. the one who moved on can suck it.

only... only i generally try not to be a bitch.
so, i don't know. this is for my edification only, then. i have no idea what goes on in that head of yours when you talk to me. probably nothing, i expect. but i'm gonna keep salting the wounds until they close up completely.

in another sheer fit of pettiness, i saw pictures of his ex the other day. he's an idiot. just keeps downgrading every time. she's radiant. (she's absolutely radiant.)

i just-- i don't understand, why would anyone not want to be friends with chad and kosine?

http://xkcd.com/684/

i used to think i overdramatized when i got a crush, or started dating someone, or what have you.

but then it struck me: fuck everyone who doesn't.

because you should. you should write poetry about her like foroud does. it should squeeze your heart and make it feel three sizes too small, should take your breath away, should make you smile uncontrollably, and most other times when similarly alarming symptoms occur you make an appointment with the doctor.

so if you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, go on dates. write her poetry, write her songs and notes, write her anything, hold her, sing to her, let everyone else just fuzz into the background, and don't be ashamed about it. don't be private about it. cook her things. read her things. make funny faces next to her and tell your best friend she's the best thing that ever happened to you and then look at her that way. make her the music as long as the music lasts.

because what less as humans do we deserve?  

what about that quiet love, you ask. well, darling, when is anything ever quiet?? if you're painting it in complete silence, that still seems loud as ever.

anyway, just some sunday morning thoughts.

for the future reference, you might never hear my voice, but i would always be loud. promise. (you know, prospectively speaking).

snerk

i don't care that no one else finds you cute or that your hair literally looks like you stuck your finger in a plug outlet.

as you were standing there, eyes crinkling as you laughed and looking down while adorably fiddling with your coffee cup holder, i just.

i would date you in a heartbeat if you just asked.

but you're not gonna ask. are you???

things every boy should know how to do by their early 30's:

1. wear a suit.

dear future husband,
one day i will dress you in Canali.

*_____*

teen angst

on a trolley today, i saw a girl on the side of the road, being prepped to go in an ambulance and bleeding out.

it was seeping into the asphalt, intensely red and probably warm.

what the hell kind of problems could anyone complain about after seeing that?

and i love the phrase 'bleeding out into the streets' because maybe it rhymes or something and it accurately describes my emotional bleeding out into the-- yeah ok, see, it doesn't at all. here's where i tell myself,
you sad sack of shit. you're gonna compare that to your stupid little first world problem where you're hungover for maybe the second time in your life, or where some immature kid you never really knew has a new girlfriend? are you kidding me?

god damn.
nobody say anything. nobody say a single fucking word.

urgh, mood swings

i hate who i am when i'm around you.

you render me incapable of doing SIMPLE MATH. that is the absolute worst. i become equal parts sullen and then ebullient to make up for it.

i wish i could say, take a leaf out of evan's book. i'm always myself around him. but it's not you who changes, it's me. so whatever. i just wanna be normal again.

by the by, love, if you're wondering, the proper word is 'adoring'. i look at midsock, at jason and chad-- with adoration. whether they earned it or didn't.

i don't really know what i look at you with. i don't look at you anymore.

where have i been?

where do you think, kiddo?

on pettiness

every time i get jealous or resentful that people are getting married/engaged/in relationships, i have to remind myself that it's just not easy to find someone and learn how to work together. and if they've crossed that hurdle, then more power to them, and everyone should just be happy for them.

and that actually helps, you know.

and maybe when i stop pms'ing i won't even have to think about it lololol

but seriously. everyone, be as fucking happy as you can possibly be, because that's what life is all about.

find the meaning.

BMP 9/17

BMP 9/17: ran around outside


in a thin tee and very little else. for shits and giggles, because it was a nice day, because i was going stir crazy inside. this may not count, but i did get one (1) scandalized look from a car passenger, so i'm counting it as a win!

and this was cool but it was also in the day, i'm going streaking for real one day soon. when it's darker. and there's more alcohol and people involved.
america, fuck yeah.

facebook is evil

attention all;
should have looked for a girl like foroud's.
SHE SEEMS AWESOME.

is that a creepy sentiment since i don't really know either of them?

oh well. sometimes you just hit gold, you know?
the rest of us gotta keep trying our hands at alchemy.
only where this is concerned, alchemy exists.

the betterment of self is always, always a tangible possibility. if you want it to be. if you try.

if you're not a bitch.

tides

i have to say something really quick before i go do homework all day.

crushes are like waves. maybe even love is like a wave. if you're at the beginning, where it builds and builds and you find yourself dangerously tumbling with affection and irrationality-- well then--


you just have to wait until it crests, and then neatly washes away.


so people should just be patient. don't fight the falling. if it's inconvenient, tolerate the madness because everything has to run its due course.

fevers break, but not before they break.

and i've written about this quite a few times, but it bears reminding when times get frustrating. when it feels like you fell in love because you fell in infatuation so hard. quel cauchemar.

but perhaps love, real love, is like the sun.

lethe

the things that matter to me don't have to be the things that matter to you, but i'm going to remember them because for me there is simply no other way.

i've accepted now that i was made to linger and dramatize and romanticize.

that's how i find meaning in life, in the details and the wonderful things that are ephemeral and transient.

there are certain moments when i'll be home in the burbs doing homework on a friday night lamenting my nerdiness and suddenly it's not ok to think so much because of the nostalgia and ensuing run on sentences, so then you have to write something to reassure yourself that it's okay to be like that. it's okay to miss things even when nobody else misses them.

i understand too well people that find joy in the present, in savoring and relishing the unquenchable thirst of the life lived in the moment, enjoyed for what it was at the time, appreciated to its full extent and then relinquished when its time had passed. you don't have to remember anything, if that's how you choose to live.

i have to remember everything.
unfortunately, this doesn't help the run on sentence thing.

NO FORKS

me:  got

dammit

i has leftovers and no utensils

Evan:  I have utensils but no leftovers

me:  .__.

so for now i'm just staring at this bowl of food in bewilderment

because it's like ... gloppy stuff

Evan:  haha

eat it anyway

me:  my brainstorms are getting more and more drastic as t approaches infinity

 Sent at 1:07 PM on Friday

Evan:  hahahahahah

stochastic convergence towards crazy

 

patience

my general sentiment with jin is all like WHY DOESNT HE LIKE MEEEEEE WHY DOESNT HE TALK TO ME

but if i really like a boy, i'm rather silent about it for a while and then the words explode like a maestrom. of doom. so, i guess, sorry about the ensuing year of angst on ze blog about how you no like-a da short girlz no more, hirthy, but at least for about a month after we met i didn't mention you at all.

that's how i tell, anyway.

the important ones require feeling out.

that's also how i know there's nobody quite there yet. you know; close, but not quite...right.

but we'll continue to hope.

random thoughts

someone once said sex is like a language where two people are desperately trying to make themselves understood and to understand each other. he said it more poetically than that. whatever. i'll have to get the exact wording sometime.

but sex is not a language, it's a ladder.

i would explain it to you. but why should i?

BMP 9/15

BMP 9/15: called james. 

i hate these things.

he was probably the cutest boy i dated. definitely the most fun. sad to see him go.

triumph

you can impress me doing anything you're passionate about. anything you're good at, or anything at all, really.

but boy, if you can impress me with words, i'll pretty much hold you in high regard for about the rest of your life, and it takes about five minutes if you're really good at it.

ron mendola, GT orchestra conductor, talking about beethoven, for instance.

off the cuff remarks in another ordinary class and god, i wish i'd had a tape recorder.

the call back

it would be so easy.
who knows where i'll be a semester from now. i have an out. i could claim distance.
i could have fun just dating james. he's really cute, and we have an awesome time together.

but something kind of nags at me.

if i dated him, i know it'd be temporary. i can't see myself years down the road, with someone like that. or someone like what eli tells me, anyway. and he's dating other girls right now too from the looks of it.
i could let it mean nothing to either of us. or something, at the same time. HA, yeah that works out well. (hint: that never works out well)

i don't wanna be with someone and not know why i'm with them. and i don't want an established expiration date, and. there's a lot to be said for chemistry etc but before that, you have to want the same things, or else it just ends kind of stupidly.
i want someone to trust and commit to and see a future with and settle down with.

i may deserve less, but i dont think i can settle for it.

that's dirty

me: think you should do it again
Elliot: i want MORE BLACKOUTS
MORE EMBARRASSING STORIES
me: i want all the embarrassing stories
can you plez tell them
Elliot: i've got tons but not many involve alcohol
i am working on creating those
me: they all involve spooning with smash bros
Elliot: 1 at a time baby
it's gonna take a while to get all of em
Sent at 11:54 PM on Tuesday
me: hahaha
just do all of em at once
Elliot: 4 players per game, man
that's the rules
me: a real man makes his own rules
Elliot: it's basically a free for all with 4 people
sometimes there's items
me: gross

BMP 9/11

BMP 9/11: finally (finally) talked to jin. 

we talked about zombies.
it's kind of adorable how shy he is.

i am up to my elbows in boys, jesus.
in other news, i sorta hate how everyone knows everyone these days. it's awkward when eli tells me he met mike's gf, or wondering if chad likes her more than me, or wanting to meet daniel b, (is sleepy still trying to set us up, eep) man, everyone plays smash, or that strange look kosine gets when i mention mike's name, or brian being so nice to me these days (wtf?). or james, oh god, i've kissed eli's roommate and then there's his other roommate who was totally about to ask me out. everyone knows everyone and it's just WEIRD.

but i guess re: his gf, it's comforting that i don't ever have to wonder about midsoc. it's a petty thought, wondering about the New Girl, but it's a universally human one. so i'll have to beg forgiveness for a bit longer. people like jason and chad and kosine are all up in the air, and i like em, but they're his. it's nice knowing that midsoc's not like that. the midsoc boys are mine, and they know where their loyalties lie, and not that she would ever try like she would with his friends (naturally) but if she did, she wouldn't get anywhere. at least not anywhere ahead of me, and i love them a little bit for that certainty.

call it what you want; pettiness, irrationality-- resentment, even. call it a moment of weakness? lol don't ever have to wonder about brian, though (surprising, innit?).

wow, that was a bit of a tangent.

ah, there it is, the butterflies.
like a jump started heart.

boogey man predictions

gonna talk to jin today.

gonna ask him out before the semester's over. mark my words.

because aside from the pretension of phd kid, he's also kind of a phd kid.

and he drew me a dinosaur, and wow, does he work out.

NEVERMIND he just walked up and talked to me

gonna call it a day now

BMP 9/9 and 9/10

BMP 9/9: chatted up a random dude in the bookhouse pub. 

not bad! alcohol helped. it always does re:these sorts of things. 
  
BMP 9/10: ran through the campanile fountain in regular clothes. kissed a boy. stole a 'keep off the grass' sign. 

probably the best date i have ever been on. details later.

i really want this boy situation to pan out, but i don't think it will. ah well. he opened car doors for me. it was nice for what it was. and it was an awesome date.  

BMP 9/8

BMP 9/8: talked to that guy about that thing. 

urgh 

????

he called me and asked me out to dinner.
and then he asked if he could call me tomorrow to talk about where/when.

i'm a bit conflicted
but no one's really done that before, ever.

oh and i guess i have a date on friday too but he gives me the heebie jeebies and i think he's actually just trying to get me drunk but i gave my word and so here's hoping i can get it over with asap i actually wouldn't be surprised if i found eli and thomas spying in the bushes.

now that i think about it, i wouldn't be surprised if they did that both nights.

suggestion

today i learned how much more provacative a loose v neck is, over straight up being in your underwear.

only half empirically, mind.

tu me manques

Ben: HOW ARE YOU
woops caps
me: fozzzzzzz!
Ben: oh thats right, i just remembered that you annoy me :@

--
Ben: yep!
at a bomb shelter working with deloitte to help the new zealand defence force reorganise their out of control forces
me: against the crazy kangaroos huh
Ben: fuckin kangaroos
got some weird looks from some sheep that live near the bomb stores
me: that would be so weird coming from anyone else.


i miss ben terribly. 

philanthropy

sorry, you don't get those things anymore.
you know, those looks i'd give you like you were the best thing.
or my words.

i hope you miss those.

you don't get texts about finding pinatas on sale, or my fingers tracing your eyelids whispering random lines of french poetry.
no more souvenirs from the beach, or any place i go from here on out,
and no turning towards you when you enter a room like a flower bending to face the sun.

but i'm civil, and i say hi, and i fucking defend your girlfriend, which, gross, so i'd say in terms of generosity that's more than you should expect by far.

edit

i guess when i think about it, ID boy is also kind of a hipster fuck that likes wearing loud and often strangely patterned shirts, and i haven't actually had a lot of luck with those?

but i'll give 'im a chance.

:w

new devalopmants

oh man, is this what it feels like to have an active dating life?

i just found out this ID hipster boy i'd been messaging on okc buys his things from foroud and was at chad/brian's party last week.

HOW WEIRD?

we kinda just had a 3 hour conversation. it's kinda nice being single. i mean yes, yes, [insert everything i said on this blog ever], but uh. yeah. if you're single, might as well have fun with it >:D

quid pro quo

would you let this work out for me if i didn't wax poetic about it?

first world problems

WOW. everyone is pretty aware, but it's surprising how far you can get just by being pushy.

in other news, i'm going on a date next weekend.

how this finagling happened, i still have no idea.

i need to talk to elliot.

and then that spurred another conversation with another dude who asked if i had feelings for him?
DAMMIT EVERYONE STOP DRUNK GCHATTING ME
AT LEAST WAIT TILL I'M DRUNK TOO

and i don't really know what'll happen with stargazing dude. would it be weird to hang out with him this weekend on the same weekend as another date? that seems weird.

can i just put a sign on a sandwich board that says I LIKED MIKE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME UNTIL MAYBE THIS NEW GUY IT'S EVEN TOO EARLY TO TELL BUT, NOBODY ELSE, SERIOUSLY, NOT EVEN ANYBODY ELSE*

how expensive would that be

how much do sandwich boards cost



*except for steak n shake boy. and that teensy unnamed crush i had. and tom hardy. and JGL.

STUPID GRINNING SO MUCH STUPID GRINNING

there's an app

that tracks the stars and moves as you move the phone across the sky!

if nothing comes of it, i won't harbor any ill will. the brief feel of his soft hair against my fingers and the clean smelling grass mashed up against our faces as i stared inches away into these pretty eyes and the scratches i have from rolling down that hill and those damn annoying 20 mosquito bites i got and the great conversation, it was just a really nice way to spend that night. and BATS! and three stars. nothing has to come of it. it was great for what it was, and i can appreciate that. it doesn't have to be anything more. it's lovely just like that. 

we can press onward.

open a window

my mom, dad, and brother all tell me these grievances they have to each other with all these super deep seated family issues and assumptions and tears and hurts and drastic strange leaps in logic that don't actually make any sense and it makes them all angrier

INSTEAD OF COMMUNICATING LIKE ACTUAL ADULTS AND FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS

so on any given day i hear some variation of 'don't tell your mom/brother/dad'.
and i often ask, why don't you just tell them and the answer is always, 'they already know.' 'they should know'.

BREAKING NEWS: THEY DO NOT


things at home are pretty heavy.
but when it's as shitty as it is and no one will change, i suppose all you can do is go home when you can and be the punching bag.

BMP 9/1

bmp 9/1: laid my drunken self down in the middle of the road outside rocky mountain pizza.

got RIGHT BACK UP in about 2 milliseconds, but STILL COUNTS cuz there was a car coming

asdf in a constant state of buzzed. in terms of beers and no liquor, i wanna say 5? 4?. viva la gameday.

i met a boy

ummm i met a boy.

eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

we spent two hours stargazing in the burger bowl and talking and maybe being a little too close.

eee.

[grins stupidly]

illiad

i found out today that a lot of our mutual friends think his new girlfriend is super annoying.

i know i said to go in peace and when i'm not around it, i don't even care, but
that's still fucking hilarious hahahah

and no,
considering everything i went through, and the fact that apparently you're being all PDA with her in public, and the fact that i am by nature defending this chick to lauren and idek why--
i get to be as petty about this as i want.

hmmm..

something interesting is happening.

i think i like it....

also, yoga: SHIT IS IMPOSSIBLE

no bmp tonight either. i was completely not terrified today. la vie continue.

ATTENTION: WE ARE TOGETHER

i never understood the point of being grossly (in all senses of the word) PDA on facebook. what, like you don't see this person every day that you have to publicly post on their wall "I MISS YOU HONEY". no such thing as a text, einstein?
i suppose a lot of the things we do are pretty transparent. and i'll never rag on public PDA like a lot of people will, because the human touch is probably one of life's most wonderful things and i loved every second i got to hold someone's hand. touch away. love away. make someone feel special- away.

in times where no one knows how to be alone, we can find our solaces where we do. and there is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing someone is proud to slip their fingers around your waist. to quietly declare to all who care to notice, that they've chased and are happily caught in return.

the facebook posts are kinda dum tho. lmao

BMP 8/29

BMP 8/29: waved from the back seat to the guy driving behind us.

for the hell of it. we were stopped on north ave, and randomly there were fireworks coming from the stadium! they were intensely pretty. i loooooooved them.

someone come set off fireworks with me. <3

 

BMP 8/28

BMP 8/28: talked to a guy passing by as i was on my stargazing bench. 

a lot of these are about talking to people. but people are usually the scariest things i know.  

i still love lying back on those picnic tables in hemphill courtyard and looking at the stars when it's cooler and there's a breeze out. the best part is that no one has to know. no one passes by and thinks 'oh, that girl is so contemplative and deep just looking up and thinking deep thoughts.' it's really nice, actually.

BMP 8/27

BMP 8/27: talked to people across the hall. 

socialized! asked for a corkscrew. ;) and got one! and good times were had by all with our 3 dollar trader joes cabernet sauvignon. it's no eurowine, but. eh. made new friends!

i'll tell you a secret, now that i can.
i always liked your roommate better.

the last

whatever you feel or didn't expect to feel,
lock it down and shut up.

flocking

i used to think you didn't remember anything worth remembering
the truth is, you probably don't remember anything at all.
it slides off your feathers like water drops
if i am too entrenched in the past
you, not nearly enough.
if i am the only one with all the details
all trepidation and tangled seams
all bleeding out on warm asphalt
all the glacial oil in alaska
or more appropriately, tar
then more fool you.

bmp826

mpb i went to the party

i love chad an jason they are my favorite and also kosine
not cuz kosine and i talk or anything but he's cool on principle i guess
and even though they'll be mike's first no matter what i still think they are the best people
ok not the best people but so damn

chil

o i guess jason is emma's?
and chad is.? ?????

now that i went to the party and mike was there and it was fine i can go to otherplaces with mike there and be ok too. ezpz!!!!

chad is the best. not that he'll ever be buddy budddy but he's one of the good ones and don't you forget that world. you better lay yourself out for him like MAGIC like he's a goddamn sorority girl at tech, world. you better make good things happen fr him.
i'll be so pissed if you dont go out of your way to make things good for him like travel and stuff
and shit mike asked me one word about europe an how do you even describe europe but no way in hell am i gonna be like, we need a few hours and a couple trappist beers because i do that with people who don't break my heart but that's what you need for europe ok. so i said unforgettable and that's all you get, a cheesy thing because that's what surface people get.

REAL PEOPLE GET BEERS

i love chad.

NOT GOING TO THE FUCKING PARTY

can't do it. nope nope nope nope.

but i'll probably change my mind in six hours, and six hours after that.

nopenopenopenope

noyer (v.)

rumors have surfaced
that you are in love again.
tiny bubbles of sweetness lodged in your throat.
heard from unfamiliar friends,
and you the least of both those things.
those pockets of air did you good.
meanwhile, fish, gasping
thrashing on hot sandstone, pleading and
beached like nothing so small should be.
there are too many words for the things water wrecks
the need and lack of it, like a tide.
but memories are not balance sheets.
they are collateral.
and fish have no use for them, they remain
preoccupied with more pressing matters

BMP 8/25

FORGOT TODAY, woops

BMP 8/24

8/24: gave up my seat on the trolley.

say what you will, but this has tons of potential to awkward it up. what if they don't want it? what if at the next stop, 5 new spaces open? what if they sit down and then get off at the next stop? WHAT IF EVERYONE JUST STARES? what if they're offended that you gave up your seat because they had grey hair, or looked intensely overweight?

as it were, everything went smoothly.

where'd all the time go?

thing is, i don't have time for this shit. the whole courting process of dates and 'does he like me does he not' and butterflies that makes dating so lovely and exciting and excrutiating, i just can't be bothered at the moment (as much as i would love to be). these archaic rules of ownership take a lot out of you. looking someone in the eye and saying 'you are mine, and no one else can have you. and even if she laughed at your jokes, you laughed at mine.'

i just kinda gotta do things like make dinner, and read papers, and look for a job. people will say, 'but you're not living! other people is what makes life interesting!' but we have responsibilities, but i've been doing fuck all for four years. five years. maybe if i weren't taking so many hours.

there's this one boy, and he's interesting. dangerous and intriguing and bad news though, because as much as i say otherwise, boys are predictable if you have a modicum of self awareness and two brain cells to rub together. you can usually see everything coming a mile away. the question is simply what you let happen and what you regret. i'd rather not repeat history, but things are going slowly and i'll stop it if it gets out of hand. he's cute though. can i get a what what.

but really, what this semester looks to be is four short months full of minute long exchanges with a boy i don't feel anything for anymore. they're meaningful to the extent of a phantom limb, but i get the feeling that's all i'll really let myself have at this point in time.

it doesn't really evoke any emotion in me one way or the other.
oh my god, is that emo? am i being emo? maybe i'm just really upset that i'm craving brownies and i didn't buy any box mix when i was at kroger >:|

BMP 8/23

8/23: um, i actually didn't do anything today.

woops?  

BMP 8/22

8/22: raised my hand in class. 

what on earth has come over me? 


in other news, chad still is, and most likely will always be, the coolest boy i've ever met. maybe even more than kosine.  

strange haikus

i saw you today--
nothing. i thought i would feel
something. anything.

welp, time for dinner!
dinner dinner dinner din-
ner, dinner dinner

Loving someone permanently is not the same thing as loving them forever

and if you don't get it, i'm not going to explain it to you

BMP 8/21

BMP 8/21: Had a conversation with an adult for longer than two minutes.

Usually, i defer to one word answers and lots of feet shuffling. New roommates moved in and one of their dads mentioned he was from colombia when i asked. He had an easy smile and i only shuffled a little, maybe. talking to adults just doesn't come easy, historically.. 

BMP 8/20

BMP 8/20:  I'm going to try to do this. [points below] 


frankly, this intimidates me more than 90% of the things i did before. 


---------------------


 Thought Verbs by Chuck Palahniuk

In six seconds, you’ll hate me.
But in six months, you’ll be a better writer.

From this point forward—at least for the next half year—you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use.

The list should also include: Loves and Hates.

And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those later.

Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…”

Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.”

Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.

Instead of saying: “Adam knew Gwen liked him.” You’ll have to say: “Between classes, Gwen had always leaned on his locker when he’d go to open it. She’s roll her eyes and shove off with one foot, leaving a black-heel mark on the painted metal, but she also left the smell of her perfume. The combination lock would still be warm from her butt. And the next break, Gwen would be leaned there, again.”

In short, no more short-cuts. Only specific sensory detail: action, smell, taste, sound, and feeling.

Typically, writers use these “thought” verbs at the beginning of a paragraph (In this form, you can call them “Thesis Statements” and I’ll rail against those, later). In a way, they state the intention of the paragraph. And what follows, illustrates them.

For example:

“Brenda knew she’d never make the deadline. Traffic was backed up from the bridge, past the first eight or nine exits. Her cell phone battery was dead. At home, the dogs would need to go out, or there would be a mess to clean up. Plus, she’d promised to water the plants for her neighbor…”

Do you see how the opening “thesis statement” steals the thunder of what follows? Don’t do it.
If nothing else, cut the opening sentence and place it after all the others. Better yet, transplant it and change it to: Brenda would never make the deadline.

Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating.

Don’t tell your reader: “Lisa hated Tom.”

Instead, make your case like a lawyer in court, detail by detail.

Present each piece of evidence. For example:

“During roll call, in the breath after the teacher said Tom’s name, in that moment before he could answer, right then, Lisa would whisper-shout ‘Butt Wipe,’ just as Tom was saying, ‘Here’.”

One of the most-common mistakes that beginning writers make is leaving their characters alone. Writing, you may be alone. Reading, your audience may be alone. But your character should spend very, very little time alone. Because a solitary character starts thinking or worrying or wondering.

For example: Waiting for the bus, Mark started to worry about how long the trip would take…”

A better break-down might be: “The schedule said the bus would come by at noon, but Mark’s watch said it was already 11:57. You could see all the way down the road, as far as the Mall, and not see a bus. No doubt, the driver was parked at the turn-around, the far end of the line, taking a nap. The driver was kicked back, asleep, and Mark was going to be late. Or worse, the driver was drinking, and he’d pull up drunk and charge Mark seventy-five cents for death in a fiery traffic accident…”

A character alone must lapse into fantasy or memory, but even then you can’t use “thought” verbs or any of their abstract relatives.

Oh, and you can just forget about using the verbs forget and remember.

No more transitions such as: “Wanda remembered how Nelson used to brush her hair.”

Instead: “Back in their sophomore year, Nelson used to brush her hair with smooth, long strokes of his hand.”

Again, Un-pack. Don’t take short-cuts.

Better yet, get your character with another character, fast. Get them together and get the action started. Let their actions and words show their thoughts. You—stay out of their heads.

And while you’re avoiding “thought” verbs, be very wary about using the bland verbs “is” and “have.”

For example:

“Ann’s eyes are blue.”

“Ann has blue eyes.”

Versus:

“Ann coughed and waved one hand past her face, clearing the cigarette smoke from her eyes, blue eyes, before she smiled…”

Instead of bland “is” and “has” statements, try burying your details of what a character has or is, in actions or gestures. At its most basic, this is showing your story instead of telling it.
And forever after, once you’ve learned to Un-pack your characters, you’ll hate the lazy writer who settles for: “Jim sat beside the telephone, wondering why Amanda didn’t call.”

Please. For now, hate me all you want, but don’t use thought verbs. After Christmas, go crazy, but I’d bet money you won’t.

(…)

For this month’s homework, pick through your writing and circle every “thought” verb. Then, find some way to eliminate it. Kill it by Un-packing it.

Then, pick through some published fiction and do the same thing. Be ruthless.

“Marty imagined fish, jumping in the moonlight…”

“Nancy recalled the way the wine tasted…”

“Larry knew he was a dead man…”

Find them. After that, find a way to re-write them. Make them stronger.