addendum

for the record, you asshole, there was so much to save.

what was your 2012 like?

i said it almost bitterly, but really.

it was absolutely wonderful.

even though sometimes it feels i'll never be able to let go of 2012 (i know it's a matter of time),

i wouldn't trade the way i laughed for anything.

i gave all the love i could, and it was absolutely wonderful. 

Ghosts

I should have left more of myself with you so that you'd be haunted like I am.

everyone is trying to hang out and do things and go places this weekend or even today and i just can't

dante

i know you have to be pushy as a guy, or else someone else will swoop in, and i know they wait in the wings.

but could you give it a fucking second?

it takes me a long time because i am immersive in my connections.

bigger graves take longer to dig and longer to fill.

it's a volume thing.

fish bones

i can't think about the memories or else i'll choke on them.

i did, for the record, have a great christmas. lots of good food, and cheer, and a fuji instax, and also spanish wine.

hey, remember that one time you just got back from charlotte and walked over from art foundry to meet me halfway from amli? you had this goofy grin on your face as we caught each others' eyes and you picked me up and spun me around (clockwise, you were wearing a white shirt and i was wearing a fluorescent yellow one), and we kinda just stayed like that for a few seconds with the 7 o'clock sun in our faces before walking over to yardhouse holding hands.

GOD DAMMIT why the hell do i REMEMBER EVERYTHING when i have a kid they're not learning piano because i'm convinced this is to blame

also i got a harmonica

it's all like fish bones stuck in your throat
either way you can't say a word

but i guess you can sing the blues because you now have a harmonica

il vaut la peine

stomping grounds

this post is complete vindictiveness, and honestly, i give no fucks.

you're not gonna know all the good restaurants to take her to, anyway.
because your turf is midtown and buford.
mine was EAV, and L5P, and the highlands, and decatur, and grant park, and inman park, and poncey highlands, and every fucking where.

it's getting hookah next to the variety playhouse and knowing where to park. it's buying spicy sipping chocolate from cacao and drinking it while looking at cards from the paper source or preserved lemons in bella cucina. it's cakes and ale, and bsp, and leons, and krog bar and the goat farm and the atlanta cupcake factory, and the earl and urban cannibals. it's ria's bluebird and dancing at noni's, the elvis shrine in star bar and wowser bowser at mjq. it's tiki night at the bookhouse, and a sazerac at octane, the carpaccio at atmosphere and wrecking bar and octopus bar and dr. bombay's underwater tea party, carver's kitchen and the king plow. the 529 and not only the masquerade but the playground on the beltline next to it. you can take her to holeman and finch, but you don't know their best cocktail, the indulgent and complex pleasure of putting your name down for a burger at 7:30 and whittling the night away with bone marrow and drinks until the horn sounds. you see, as much as you missed new york, atlanta is actually full of wonder. its heart is gorgeous. you just didn't see any of it, because you were too busy being uncomfortable.

so try your hardest, kiddo.

give it your best fucking shot.

in repair

wow, so... in a detail that i absolutely should not know, M arrives in atlanta tomorrow.
i would be a lot more filled with dread, were i not so morbidly enthralled. in the sense that i would like to get some popcorn and just watch this as a movie and see how it all plays out. will he get with her? will he forget about me? will it have the tiniest modicum of something meaningful? will i cross his mind? will he continue to be wracked with ennui? who knows! i wish it weren't as fascinating as it is, but there you have it.

in other news, i rode on the back of daniel's bike yesterday, and uh. whew. that thing they say about bikes being chick magnets. he accelerated and i was so delighted and i couldn't help but think, oh man, i have the world's tiniest crush on you now for no rational reason whatsoever. not that, you know, i'd ever date him, because, my life can't be normal, but. whew. he, uh. he's. y'know. he's cute.

...

/flustered

one day i'll have a new years eve kiss.

i'll be patient

!

i hear about you going out drinking, 'going nuts', flirting/hooking up with girls, and i think it's safe to say, in a pique of irony,

i feel sorry for you.

but then, i can't find the meaning for you. and you couldn't find it for yourself anyway.

slow it down

i know i'm not that close with them, and was never a huge part of it, i know, but still, vaguely, sitting at dinner today,
i wish you could have met that part of my life.
that time back then was immeasurably precious to me, and i wish you could have known that.

iron

i feel so... strong.

(not in general, mind. in relation to what i felt like before.)

working out is pretty great.

i'm not doing as much as i could, but i like to think i am reaping the results of a consistent, sustained effort.

table for two

sometimes when i'm particularly proud of the things i've made (especially these days), i can't help but irrationally wonder how you could've broken up with a girl that could cook some damn good food.

i'll eat it all myself, but i'd rather have shared it with you.

more power to the drunken hook up
to the meaningless hook up
because sometimes you just need to take a break from the sadness and shit
and in the moment, i feel like i really, really understood kevin
and why he would do what he's going to do.

and don't get me wrong, i love the work and the comfort and the quiet loveliness of a relationship with a future.
but i love the tension and the tactile sensations of a potentiality that i possibly never even noticed before.

and looking at his pictures now, he seems so much like a stranger.
and looking into the other's eyes as he was leaving--
i could have run after him in the hallway--
i could have grabbed his shirt lapel--
i could have wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him down to meet my lips--

--

--

afterparty

shoulda hooked up with him.

and i would have, too.

damn.

the way things work

me:  there will actually be a cute girl a the party today

though she has bf apparently so w/e

need more cute single girls

 Linda:  aww janet

she doesn't count as a cute girl then..

Stray thoughts

Was I your first anything at all?

history

just got back from brunch with a good friend.
he tells me i'm amazing, and stunning, and the things i say set such a high standard for him, because we learn so much from each other.
he looks at me like i'm the most incredible woman he's ever met,
and then he tells me so too.
and he is hands down one of the best people, the best people in my life.
we have this deep, deep mutual respect for each other, and when we talk it feels like we've known each other for years.
i think if i pass this up, i'd be just as stupid as kevin.
but-- oh, i don't know.

AH WELL, JOB STUFF FIRST

April

the sudden sincere realization that i want your happiness for you.

before, i believed you to be happiest with me (and maybe you were, but didn't know it). and that's why it seemed right to me for you to be sad when we were apart.

but i want you to be happy; true, deep happiness that reaches down into your soul and pervades through you.

and i want you to have this more than i want you to be with me.

fine. hook up with her if it makes you feel better.

活该

qu'est-ce que tu voudrais que je dise?

c'etait toi qui m'as quitte

there's this rotund bird outside my office window, it's this cardinal i've named clifford.

i wonder if he will in any sort of lifetime or universe realize that he brightens my day whenever i see him!

he's really fat.

physics

my motivation decreases the longer i haven't seen my brother.

today, let's be thankful for the people in our lives that propel us forward. they make us not want to be them, but to be better versions of ourselves.

i have a wide spectrum of friends, no lie. but if you're the type of person that is inherently inertial to me--

i want to start investing in you.
and i want to start returning the favor.

expect me, is what i'm saying.

to the world

you know what, i'm gonna make you regret ever breaking up with me.

you're gonna think back and realize it was the dumbest fucking mistake you ever made.

and i'm gonna do it by trying to be the kindest, strongest, most awesome person i can be.

...fine, that's just how it plays out in my head. but even if you never ever regret it

i'm gonna do it anyway

beats

i, um. i think i've changed?

i used to explore, and do things all the time, and never check facebook compulsively and now, i can't remember the last time i've been to a new neighborhood or restaurant. i could say i'm busy, and trying to get my shit together. but i think somewhere, something shifted inside me and it makes me a little uncomfortable to think about. like i've been domesticated, and now that i have no owner, i dont know what it's like to roam anymore. if that makes sense.

on the bright side, i think vik and i are gonna go to the park next saturday and play more music! and i'm learning guitar, the right way this time. and reading more on my nook. my 30 day challenge is going pretty well i think, learning lots of new origami :) i'm probably doing this to distract me from the fact that the longest he's ever gone without dating someone is 3 months, if even that, and we're nearing month two. it kinda sucks when people move on and you're still having a hard time, huh? but hey, it's not mike, and that's something! at this point, you take what you can get.

it's just...well...how could you?

also, it literally pains me how much i'm dwelling on this. i really wish i could maybe not do that so much. better than broadcasting on facebook though, right? right?

i dunno...i feel like talking about it here is almost a catharsis for me. but at the same time, what if it's only exacerbating it?

just the girl

as badly as you treated me, i'm still a bit sad we won't talk over the break. because i know how you feel about your brother, and your family, and it somewhat pains me to know i can't be there for you if you are feeling ... spikey.
i'd have liked to send you home with a box of asian pears, too, for your mother.
but we're just splitting hairs now.

pass me by

the way the year passed by so fast--
reaffirms my belief that when you're happy
or working, or happy to be working,
you'll blink your eyes and wake up next to someone thirty years later.
that's how i know people can stay together.

voler (n.)

recording!! making music again!!

other stupid emotions that aren't worth mentioning!

but, love as much as you can. and then more.

--

Not only our memories, but the things we have forgotten, are “housed.” Our soul is an abode. And by remembering “houses” and “rooms,” we learn to “abide” within ourselves.

_gaston bachelard, the poetics of space

stray thoughts

did i ever give you a reason to doubt me?
for even one fucking second?

tree of life

dear (other) kevin:

did it feel like this when you saw pictures of him and me together?

(you two are cuter in pictures. but i think you both want it to last. i couldn't say the same for him)

Suddenly I get it--

Your life was better with me in it.

That resistance and tension-- it was the tearing so that new muscle could grow.

I'm not waiting for you to realize this too.

Maybe I was waiting for me to realize it.

shut it down

nope, fuck it, not doing it.
go fuck whoever the hell you want.
run around the town with someone new, for all i care.
but i'm not gonna.
you meant more to me than that.

it's not really my problem if you don't feel the same.

break it til

having lunch with A this sunday, i know it sounds cliche
but as we spoke, about those typical things like trust and self actualization
i could see this look of wonder in his eyes
and in that brief moment, understood how it was possible
to watch someone start to fall in love with you

at home

within the past week, i've been asked out by 3 boys and 3 more are interested.

while yes, a part of me is flattered that i still got game (yes i said that unironically), the other part of me wonders two things:

1. is this going to end? should i be taking advantage of a time when dudes aren't all married and settled down? what if i'm missing opportunities by waiting and 'dealing with the kevin thing the healthy way'?

2. should i?

y/n, dating while still trying to get over the wreckage of a breakup: good idea, or fucking terrible idea

some of these boys are really wonderful. the best people i know. but.. i know deep down that i was never the type of person to sweep the baggage under the rug and find replacements or diversions. because that shit is just so dumb, and it doesn't ever truly work anyway. i'm just worried that one of these may be the real deal, and i'll have given it up because to me at the time, all he was was a distraction.

even though i know that's what kevin will be doing, and yes, i might be "winning the breakup", it all seems so--

gauche.

she said to me quietly on the stairs

you're right, i can't make you happy.

but neither can anyone else.

and most importantly,

neither can you.

which is your real problem.

(i could have loved you though, and don't even pretend that that wasn't what terrified you.)

the only thoughts i have when i'm drunk

i'm not going to drink anymore.

persistence

but


i still can't delete the voicemail that you left me while you were in new york.

you kept on talking about how cute other girls were, and i got really mad.

you always were careless of my feelings like that.

you asked how i'd been, and for me to text or call you when i got the chance.

hearing your voice was... difficult.

maybe that's why i can't bring myself to get rid of it. i would be lying if i said i didn't cherish it.

i wonder how easy it has been to eradicate me from your life.

inks

Y'know those guys with the tattoos visible, like on their neck and arms? I think that's awesome. I love the way it tells a story and curves from the elbow up to that vulnerable inner part of the forearm, down to that delicate jut of wristbone. Or the way it caresses the underside of a jawline. The curves of the human body are, after all, geographically astounding and ever changing.

As much as I love it, what it also means is that they live in a world that will always be vastly different from mine. One where there is no such thing as a corporate job interview and a desk job. The ones they would qualify for and pass are those of a completely different nature than mine: valve. any number of san francisco startups. 

I guess I don't have a particular focal point to this. It's just interesting sometimes to think about how vastly different and similar we all are. both when we open our eyes and when we don't.

her morning elegance

i'll always love utc because for a second there, i got to be a part of the people behind the scene.
you know, like when you sit at a coffee shop and wonder what it'd be like to walk behind the bar because you're friends with the barista and sip on an espresso while she takes drink orders from some other customer.

we all wonder what it's like to be more than a passerby.

or more than some kid coming into a student center to study for a few hours.

but anyway, that's just random thoughts.

awesome thing of today: sleeping with loose sheets. people who just sleep with blankets, you are missing out. you are missing out so hard.

calibre

hahaha, hell yea i'm gonna make this as awkward as possible for you.

if you think i'm just gonna try to hide within myself with my tail between my legs, you can fuck right off.

you are hardly mike.

gimme a moment

oregontraildiary.tumblr.com

i hope this person doesn't mind me posting her URL on here. she's a mutual friend i met once or twice.

reading this blog, i felt so strange, like i was being handed evidence of a world where girls will tell their moms, "i'm gonna marry this boy", and where boys just get it so, so right.

comme des enfants

(but you're still a dick, so, 10 points for feeling bad and learning absolutely nothing from it)

let me know when y'all graduate middle school.

i hate this so much, but: kcho was right.

capitulation

at the mouth of a minor tributary

yesterday i held open a door for someone! and taqlked to jason about texting this girl so they could talk about stuff and not have a bunch of unspoken weirdness between them. it felt good, no matter how small the deed, to stop looking inward into some big black hole of --well. everything you feel the aftermath to be.

i want to do operation christmas child shopping and gather some friends to do it, but i have no idea if i'm prepared to drive to the drop off point. and i dont think anyone else cares enough to drive 40 minutes to , idk, bumfuck georgia (jk like jimmy carter orsomething idek) but... i'll look into it i guess.

BMP 11/3: drove on unfamiliar roads for the first time by myself. went to the porter to meet up with a friend and took briarcliff all the way to north druid hills. it was gorgeous, especially during the fall! for some strange reason, it made this thought appear in my head that i really should move out of georgia. but i have no idea why? drove on some access roads by mistake, found my way back home. ACCESS ROADS ARE WAY BETTER THAN HIGHWAYS. but yeah, i loved the winding roads, and the way the trees arched over me..i began to understand a little more why people like driving. so... cool

haven't done any of the things i said i wanted to keep up with. mea culpa. life is a WIP though, so let's just try to keep at it.

5 stages

reading back on it, i recounted something i'd completely forgotten about:

that time at dinner, where you said, "well, we had a good run." jokingly? somehow, you put my mind at ease about it a few days later, but--

we had a good run?

we had a good run?

you are the worst kind of moronic asshole, and i wouldn't have anything to do with you if you were the last boy on earth.

how fucking dare you even think about saying that to someone while you're dating them. not while you're breaking up with them-- WHILE YOU'RE DATING THEM. i'm literally sitting here, incredulous.

aaaand WOW, with that, went pretty much the last shred of any sort of sympathy or longing i had for you. you deserve everything that comes to you, you son of a bitch.

on value added

revenge: buying yoga pants after a breakup. WUT WUT

in other news:
taylor swift and christmas ornaments make me sadder. can you imagine your apartment smelling like mulled wine and decked out in lights and stockings and a tiny tree and bing crosby in the background --

but david helps me immensely.

BUT I HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER NEW ALBUM, BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

and he'll probably be dating someone new by christmas. but i doubt he'll upgrade, because diamonds aren't his type (he'll stick with what he knows).

in the end, you can't really keep paying for other people's mistakes, especially if they don't know how to separate the wheat from the chaff. and trust me, it's not that i believe myself to be some wonderful, amazing person. but i treated him the best, and, well. for you, i guess that's punishment enough.

AH MY GAHD TAYLOR SWIFT

Awesome thing of the day: finding the one parking spot in a completely almost bursting parking lot and just sliding perfectly into it. amazing.

on dealbreakers

me:  there's a cute boy here who i could potentially be interested in

but i think i vetoed it because he uses 'your' instead of 'you're'

 Elliot:  oh shit

you can't date someone like that

he would never be able to understand you're world view

 me:  i hate you, go die

step up yo game, playa

forget it. done. moving forward.

misery time was fun for a while, time to grow a pair of balls and work toward something worth a shit.

relapses to come. comebacks sure to follow.

complet

I miss being full. in all senses of the word.

physically, i miss eating regularly, and in healthy quantities with a big appetite. even though i want to be full, i either dont feel like it or can't bring myself to care.

being emotionally full, bursting with laughter. those deep belly laughs where you can't stop, or waking up and drifting back to sleep in someone's arms. having engaging and meaningful and meaningless conversations all wrapped up in one, over dinner-- feeling ...affection.

i miss the full days. spending the whole day with someone, always having them to hang out with and go home to and never, ever, ever being sick of seeing them. i would say one of the hardest things to get used to has been coming home to an empty apartment and eating/sleeping alone. i never had a problem with it in college, but i never knew what it was like otherwise. watching lets plays on youtube is just... it just depresses me.

I MISS NOT POSTING EVERY DAY ABOUT ANGSTY SHIT GOD DAMMIT

can we just stop this, seriously, i can't even

remembering things clearly:

SUCH. AN ASSHOLE, OH MY GOD

not sure how much this is the bitterness talking, but i bet your friends think you're an idiot for letting me go too.

forgo the parable

ugh. terrible day.
missed a 3 hour meeting on top of everything else at work lately, so management's been watching me like a hawk. and acting all passive aggressively, jesus christ. give it a rest, will you, ladies?

i caved and went on his facebook again today. he's sick :/

i just thought, no one would be there to make sure he eats well. i wanted to make him homemade chicken soup like my mom always would, and curry, and brush his hair from his forehead.

and then maybe i'd feel a little better, being there with him too, from my terrible terrible day.

i know that he wants his freedom and not to feel like he's settling or something.

but sometimes for the life of me i just can't see how it would be better for either of us.

it really pains me. i wish there were a way to be less... nurturing. ugh.

to make you feel my love

Strangely enough, one of the most helpful things has been foroud's writing.

Mon petit moineau, perdu à jamais

c’est la nuit à nouveau

les oiseaux se taisent

j’écris des tragédies

tandis que vous posez, loin

rêver d’autres

why is this still so hard?

d'avoir faim

i just spent the whole day with dtong at starbucks, and i'm supposed to jam with vik (though i think we may raincheck), but

oh my god, it's like this sort of crippling loneliness that i haven't felt in a while

like i never used to be terribly lonely, because i didn't know what it was like to want or have someone's company 24/7. i never used to check facebook first thing i woke up in the morning on my phone, or last thing before i went to bed. who needs pseudo superficial details about the lives of people you don't even really care about?

i realized it's our desire for deep and meaningful relationships, and eventually it's just like mal de coucou: you can consume an entire buffet of chit chat and still be hungry.

sucks, because for a second there it really felt like he was enough of an asshole that i could just be angry and indignant the whole time. but eventually the sadness does curl its tendrils around your toes and settle in.

did you know in french, "tu me manques" means "i miss you"? but it literally translates into, "you are missing from me."

you are tehring me apaht.
you are missing from me.

ad nauseum

the thing with heartbreak is,
who fuckin' gives a shit?
what person in their right mind cares how you feel right before bed,
morose and in possession of a phantom limb?
because the feelings just don't translate. doesn't involve anyone else, so who cares?

but--

i wanted him to be someone i fell asleep with at night, for a long, long time.

why do you get to be over it?

why do you get to be totally fine?

i still remember at the beginning how frustrated you were that no one ever returned your affections or efforts in a way that panned out. i couldn't have known then that in the end, you probably left before they did.

but we always end up passing on the best things. i could've stayed with the only boy who ever gave me flowers, all those years ago. he cared for me so, so much, and i just threw it all away.

oh well, karma is as karma does. maybe this is for all those years i was such a bitch.

on the worst days, you only remember the good things

(i wonder if he misses me at all)

accidents

every time i get depressed about the breakup, i console myself by thinking about the alternative.

relief is knowing that i'm not in something that is going nowhere and wasting my time.

(i think, in this regard, he was somewhat kind-- knowing that i wanted to stay together, but also wanting his freedom, he didn't stay with me halfheartedly to delay the inevitable. i can only imagine how much worse it would have been down the line.)

and for the record, dear god could you PLEASE stop telling people you feel like an asshole. everyone already knows you feel like/are one. if you really wanna try working on being someone worth a shit, maybe saying sorry to me would be a good starting point.

but i suppose if you were the type of person to do that, you wouldn't need to apologize in the first place.


here is how i know you won't be happy either way: because wherever you go, there you are.
if you're always looking for the next best thing because the feeling fades fast, and you never put in the work or open up or be truly vulnerable or try-- that's a you thing. and that won't go away until you fix your shit, no matter if it's the next girl, or the one after that, or the tenth after that. so you can try to find the right girl, the perfect one. but she won't exist until you can be the right one for a girl.

so suck it.



...ahh, but who are we kidding. you're just me circa 4 years ago, back when i was still emotionally stupid and treating every well meaning boy like crap. maybe you're just too young for this shit, this 'being good to another person' shit. qui sait?

the kicker

don't get me wrong, he was good to me sometimes. most times, except for the important parts like not liking me enough (lmao boys are so dumb sometimes).

what makes him the asshole though?

is that if i didn't stand up for myself, we'd still be together right now. he'd be in something lukewarm at best, and constantly constantly looking, and never even trying very hard where it mattered, and then one day he might have met someone and disconnected completely or started acting like a douche to get me to break up with him (equally likely).

that's the part i can't stand, is that things weren't good enough to stay together--

but if given the choice, he wouldn't have had the balls to do anything about it.


take it to heart.

always, always demand respect. because life is too full of emotionally immature people who don't know how to be responsible for the things they tame.

on self respect

even though it was against my will and i

wasn't strong enough to do anything about it

(but give more)

you forced me to be thankful for all the red flags i tried to ignore

whose services are now no longer required.

rule #1: don't rebound with someone you wouldn't actually date now.

even if they are very, very cute.

parallels

seeing J around her boyfriend these days breaks my heart. because i see everything i escaped: the clear disparity in investment, and all the consequences and frustration that come with it. how that permeates into body language, behavior, everything.

but that's not why.

it's because that could still have been me, and i can't say for sure if i would or wouldn't have preferred it.

talking with her about my breakup just lends to this uncomfortable atmosphere, where everything i talk about can be applied to her, but we're both involuntarily denying it.

i am constantly barraged with the bullets i dodged when i see or talk to them. and that's bad enough, but somehow, seeing her still hold on, falling asleep next to him, one arm around his waist and her face smushed kind of underneath his armpit, like she can keep him and make him change if she just insists enough-- i see myself, in a path i could have taken.

and i can't,

i can't--

man up, man up

i refuse to let you ruin shoya for me just because you chose to make it both our first and last date like some sort of trite asian drama.

you hear me? i absolutely refuse.

no matter how much it hurts, i am more than the places that you've gone from. and you know. fake it til you make it.

vulnerability, while the true mark of courage, is also truly exhausting.

*#&@*#(@

please tell me more about how the weather is great and you're missing literally every fall festival and beer fest and wine fest IN EXISTENCE at the moment because you realize you don't actually have very many friends you hang out with on a consistent basis and even if you did you don't feel like doing anything anymore which is sort of a self perpetuating cycle if you think about it.

god fucking dammit.

it's like i've lost any and all will to explore or create.

could there be a worse metaphorical death?

in other news, i emailed tim last night to apologize for pulling a kevin. he responded and talked about his life for a bit. how his fiancee and him are 'really perfect for each other', which made me both happy and not. happy in the sense that he genuinely deserves it, and i want things to work out for him. not, in the way that salt in wounds doesn't feel good-- in the way that he found what kevin was looking for in a girl and it worked out, and, idk, maybe that works out and kevin was right to leave for greener pastures.

not sure if i can handle that.

the inner child in me wants it to come full circle. i left tim, i found mike, discovered what it meant to be head over heels. but unless you have the inner... maturity that tim had, it just. kind of explodes in gooey messiness. I WANT THAT, BITCH. i want karmic retribution. i want you to learn that it's about work too, and that looking for an 'easy relationship' isn't all it's cut out to be.

but if, in the end, happiness comes out of it instead, well.

that's fine too, i guess.

lasers

days it took before i broke into the alcohol: 16

if you asked me why i suddenly felt crazed and broken and aching again, i couldn't tell you.

suddenly you just start crying again, and know that you have to wait until it gets better, because it always does.

call it a relapse.

but today i am cutting off ties so help me god, i am getting rid of all of them.

even if i'm drunk for it.

just the right amount of love

you used to joke about what it would be like when we were married.

and call my parents mom and dad.

julian mentioned it off the cuff last night because it happened to come up.

i'd completely forgotten.

i got so fucking sad, hahaha.

i always used to think i would make you happy.

hey wait

listening to someone rant about how their boyfriend does x/y/z, doesn't have x/y/z qualities and how it's really frustrating leads to sudden realizations:

at least for the time being

I DONT HAVE TO DEAL WITH ANY OF THAT SHIT

lmao

no viniste

when i do talk about it sometimes to people, i'm always met with a change of subject or a frown face, or something that leaves me so unsatisfied. to an extent i do look for an open ear, but mostly just honest discourse, or something i didn't know, or a different perspective. sympathy is passe.

but at the same time, i don't think i can really be that disgruntled.

after all, what more is there to say about the matter?

even in the afternoon

i miss now the things we could have been and the places we could have gone together--
decorating a christmas tree in your apartment
going on picnics
discovering atlanta together
cuddling in the holidays
holding your hand

but i realize now

you were not worthy

and while i can't help the emotions i feel for the memories of the past and potentiality of the future
i will not continue putting my energy into those who do not deserve it.

karma II

How selfish i was back then.

Wed, Dec 30th 2009

i wonder if we'll ever talk again. i wonder if the 'x period of time' is really just code for, 'indefinitely'. you've stopped going on gchat, which i suppose is also for the best. when you're there, i just kind of stare at your name in a completely, completely pathetic manner.

this is exactly why i was prolonging the inevitable. because, strangely enough, i face a lot of guys confessing. it always seems to follow the same pattern, actions-wise. so if i am a worse person because i wanted to continue this whatever-we-had as opposed to the complete demise of our friendship, then that's what i am. sure it was unfair to you, who are looking for a long term girlfriend. mea culpa.

but with any of them... save that one REALLY persistent guy; if i could have had their friendship over pained silence, i would have feigned ignorance.  and i did. call me weak. i did it voluntarily.

you said, at some point you just have to grow a pair and do something. was there no way we could have remained friends? that eventually, you would have gotten sick of me, and the infatuation would have just faded away? is it really easier to get rid of the feelings forcefully like this? i don't agree.

but i am the one who made the decision.

so my agreement means nothing.

karma

an entry that i wrote years ago, addressed to tim
that i now would like to address to myself:

---


"what are you so afraid of?"

right? that's what you asked. here, then. here is a list.

• that you aren't the right one for me.
• not even that, but that i don't want you to be.
• if sometime down the road, i decide i dont want you to be,
• that i'll break your heart.
•  
• that i'll let you down
• that i'll actually be happy being with you
• years of rationalization
• the same things everyone is afraid of
• that you, that i, that we are not enough to overcome these fears. 

---

it is now, and only now, that i begin to see very real and very cruel parallels.

twin sized bed

comfort:
if there was life after him
there will be life after you
and after you the you that follows
apres tout, la vie continue

when other people break up, it feels like nothing. it's just something you hear or talk about. when it happens to you, you are crushed and haunted with all the space you will live without someone that you once ate and slept and made plans with.

i know it's a dumb 7 month dating excursion. nothing compared to one year, two years, five years, marriage.

but it still hurts and stuff.

qui sait?

Countdown

Okay, I give it one month. If I'm still feeling raw by then, we begin with the systematic defriending/unfollowing. It took me fucking forever to get over mike, so I suppose that's an optimistic estimate. But... I can't continue being friends with him like this if I keep feeling like this.

In my opinion, I don't understand why he is sad or drunk or mildly belligerent, because he clearly didn't like me enough to even want to try. Sadness reserved only for those who were broken up with, kthx. Fuckers trynna have their cake and eat it too.

I woke up today because I suddenly realized, oh. The talk that there are others that fit us better, the question of whether or not I believe in soul mates, the knowing tones of all my guy friends-- you broke up with me because you were waiting for someone you liked better. Duh. I realize now that aside from distance, this seems to really be at the heart of why everyone breaks up.

It's such a predictable pattern by now that it's almost laughable too. Here, lemme write it out for you. Guy is interested in girl, pursues her hard. Girl is hesitant, but eventually agrees, they date, girl likes the guy more and more, guy begins to wonder if he is settling. Girl has taken her time and now is ready and wants to solidify things, guy is now unsure, girl is blindsided, gives ultimatum, guy refuses and or breaks up, everyone is back to square one. Or, alternate ending, guy accepts and lives a married and lukewarm life.

There are exceptions of course. But out of ten couples, I'd tell nine not to hold their breaths.

The end. Hope you enjoyed the story

Le temps perdu

I'm going to make a running list of the universe's most painful questions. I begin below:

1. Do you want me to go?
2. 
   

denouement

why does everyone else get to stay together?

why was i not enough?

i wanted so badly to decorate a tree with lights, humming bing crosby and tugging on the hem of your gaudy christmas sweater.

i don't miss the memories; i miss the possibilities.

when did i get so fucking crazy?

cheshire

i couldn't do it. i just couldn't.

tell me, anyone. what's worse: looking through someone's phone for evidence, or finding it?

if you told me to judge between one or the other, i couldn't do it.

i wouldn't even consider it unless the circumstances were extreme.

i feel horrible even for that.

but i still don't know what's worse.

queen of hearts

3am moral dilemmas.

i hope i can live with what i'm about to do.

real estate

i kind of thought when i started dating, it would be this big to-do, and boys would hear about it and just be like wtf are pigs flying?

but when i met kevin, it happened so quietly. he asked me out, and i said yes, and on we went.

there were no awkward declarations of attraction, or angst filled periods of indecision.

he started showing up to my friends' parties. making friends with my friends. he made his presence known in such an unobtrusive way, with no whispers behind his back about being That Flying Pig.

maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.

beach house

you know what i realized about utc?

i always felt like i had to be weird to be 'relevant'.

like oh man, i'm into .. i dunno, chillwave shit that no one in their right minds would listen to, or paisley pants or weird pictures of tie dye cookie monster tommy wiseau.

you know what i realized about the real world?

you just have to be successful.

and you know what it is about life?

you have to find some grain of yourself that is immutably yourself, and hold the fuck on.

stagnancy

lessons learned from my brother:

your environment, relationships, job, and body are a reflection of you. get your shit together. don't take any bullshit. work at a job that stimulates you, read books, exercise regularly. get. your shit. together.

(get some damn furniture for your room.)

if you have bullshit in your life, it's good for someone to call you on it.

i think my brother makes me a better person, and i need to be around him as much as possible. he instills in me a need to move, and do.

he looked me in the eye before he left, and said, everything you do, you know.. attack it. 

where does the good go?

so i just found out someone i used to know now has a son. no wonder she got married so fast.
i suppose i am being a bit spiteful (or some other similar adjective), but damn those conservative christians really know how to make you feel horrible and judged and then go around and pull shit they supposedly disapprove of.

i am seriously so fucking done with god's fan club. maybe it's just been a really long time since i've been exposed to genuine christians though. it's sure as hell been a long time since i've been one.

i need to get my ass back to church.

eyes for eyes

we have to choose the places we don't walk away from.
and when someone said relationships were hard work, it didn't really strike me at the time how difficult it would be. to kiss someone goodbye when you feel like slamming the door, or to fight that base instinct to be petty.

but oh well, random thoughts.

i got a haircut today!

twin sized beds

more strange discoveries--
captain's log, if you will.
i grow used to morning breath so close to my face.
mundane and offensive and so unstartling as i roll over and he settles his arm around my waist.

islands

isn't it funny our hearts actually heal?
it seemed unfathomable at the time, even though i told myself logically every day that it would happen.
now, the thought that i gave someone i sort of-dated so much significance is what seems unfathomable.
her name was mallory, and i feel absolutely nothing.

dating industrial engineers....

kevin:  meow

listening to all my shazam tags over

passion pit made it in there

hehe

 me:  sigh, manners was such a good album

he made it as like

it was inspired from someone he was with, i think

so the whole album is pretty much dedicated to her

 kevin:  aw

i dedicate this.. order status message to you!

<3

such a good message

 me:  ....

ಠ╭╮ಠ

this is why i dated musicians!!

 kevin:  mew... 

want me to send you the xml? or the translated flat file?

the xml is more human readable, but the flat file is so raw.. and uh.. machine readable

 me:  .....................

.........................

 

oh alright, fine, i'll give you a free pass for those girls in ny if you don't give me any grief about those boys at that dance show.

new ceremony

why do i still feel like my life is on hold?

do i need to get out of this city?

affection was meant to be given and taken in equal parts

i find these days i'm a little bit starved

On goldfish

and how they can actually grow super big:

Daniel:  and .. they'll get really large if you let them: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_2pSV1CBssXk/Szq783ccR8I/AAAAAAAAA3k/AMNMQLgaZkk/s400/caught_goldfish2.jpg

 me:  WHAT THE FUCK

 Daniel:  GOLDFISH LIFE

equinox

i hope we last long enough for you to carve pumpkins with me in the fall.

nuclei

i used to think it strange that people in relationships would revolve around each other. you know, the No Spaces Between Your Names syndrome. "hey, are BobbyandKate coming?" it becomes weird if you're not with your significant other. like what the serious shit, gaiz. and then i lived with kevin for two weeks, and saw him every day*. i would fall asleep and wake up the sound of him coming home at 2am. it seems so different from going out on dates.

and now, i find myself sad that when i go back to jeffhouse he's not there putzing around. we'll probably go back to dinners, and dates, and that's cool too. it's just strange because i think something has changed, and now i wonder where he is and what he's doing. it feels like he should be somewhere within my vicinity like some sort of electron cloud.

and since this is all still very new to me, i'm not sure if this is a normal progression or not. he'd never let me hear the end of it if he knew, either. and i wonder if we'll lose some of that familiarity, (the one that comes with domesticity) and if that's a good or bad thing. i'm really feeling my way around in the dark, and hoping to god i don't fuck it up.


*and holy mother of fuck, i'm not sick of him. i still like him. will wonders never cease? i really thought by the end of it, one of us would end up dead. or both. actually i was envisioning some sort of alcohol induced murder-suicide, so on the whole i'd say things turned out okay.

hydrogen peroxide

does it ever get easier?

no matter how happy i am (and i'm pretty damn happy right now)--

does it ever stop feeling like a paper cut, seeing them together?

i haven't thought about him in a while, but it still-- kind of just--

why are some people so hard to eradicate from your heart?

meow

holy crap, it's been a long time since i've written anything here.

life's been changing at an interesting pace, and i'm not quite sure if i have less thoughts and so i write less, or if i write less and so i have less thoughts. or if it's a giant vicious circle. i'm at home right now anyway, and taking a bit of a breather. so i suddenly felt the desire to update.

job's been okay. need to look for a new one that's more challenging. at what point is condescension okay/not okay? people in my position at work went to perimeter, 2 year colleges; they took 5 years to graduate high school, and basically a trained monkey could do it. I know that nobody is really better than anyone else in the realm of willingness to learn/ambition/all those self controlled factors... but i feel deep down that i'm better than this. i feel some sort of disdain that i'm ashamed to even verbalize, and yet i can't bring myself to deny or convince myself otherwise. because then, i might become content, and to me that's worse than knowing myself to be arrogant. i'll say it right now if it gets me out: i deserve better, and i am damn well gonna make it happen.

paris with the moms is more and more likely. i'm pretty stoked, tbh. i love that every time i go home, i can bring back pastries, or donuts, or flowers. i love that i can buy frivolous, quietly indulgent things that they don't usually partake in. because that's what bright yellow dots do to the greyscale pointillist painting of life. and sunflowers, oh, if i could tend a field of sunflowers. if i could wake up and carefully place a few of them in the kitchen table vase, and drink my tea until the sunlight illuminates the leaves.

i've been living with kevin for the past week while he bides his time and moves to his new condo. It's been interesting, to say the least. i've finally un-freaked enough to date someone for longer than three months. yes, i am incredibly astonished. is there a How To Be Together for Dummies?

he's implied he wants to be In An Actual Relationship (or, if we're in high school, boyfriend-girlfriend) but i'm still hesitant. i want to be too, honestly; i think a lot of people in life are just looking to be happy and caught. with the right person, of course. as the right person. but i digress. he also said that at the beginning, errone's trying to impress each other. but by the 6 month mark, the honeymoon period is over, and you start letting down your guard, and idk, farting around each other. and you have to decide whether you want to take them as they are, or kick their farting ass to the curb (his words, not mine).

and well, why would i want to be his girlfriend if he hasn't decided whether or not he wants to take me as i am?

i guess that's what i'm really waiting for. i like him well enough, it's not that. and it's ironic that he probably feels like he's waiting for me to come around, because it's actually the very opposite. when he decides i'm someone he wants to be with, awkwardness and weirdness and farting and all, maybe he'll let me know.

ugh, would write more, but time to sreeping.

tupelo

i think, above all things regarding kevin, that i would like to be good to him.

even if he hurts me with careless words sometimes, or isn't able to tell me what he really feels, or if he never really gets over the past with that girl he used to love. that's his shit.

as for me, i'd like to be there when he's feeling vulnerable. and make him lunch, and keep him company whenever he feels lonely. i'd like to do things together with him like peach picking, and cooking together, and falling asleep.

i want to treat him well, and take care of him, as best as i can for as long as i'm able to.

it's super weird but this is the first boy where i'm not constantly freaking out or running away. or hurtling toward. it feels like we're just strolling along together, easy and sweet like honey.

cinco de mayo: supermoon, dropping acid, twinkly lights. only one of these things was supposed to happen.

transatlanticism

what is difficult but necessary is this: we have to make an effort with everyone we know.
(i'm decent at this if they're present, notoriously bad at this if they're not)

we live in an age where we ride the bus surrounded by people and check facebook on our phone, deluded into thinking that one is a lonelier place than the other.

but sometimes it's so damn hard to bridge the gap of unfamiliarity. to take an interest in the people around us, or to rekindle friendships that haven't burned out but have instead faded away. Perhaps it's apathy, or circumstances. and maybe it's hard because we don't wanna be left hanging, caring for someone who values us less than we would like to value them.

i'm not sure. i think loneliness is self inflicted.
and i'm no longer content, if i ever was, avec les personnes que j'avais apprivoise.

i don't want Deep friendships with people i'm currently around. or a Deep connection to my significant other and no one else.

i want Deep friendships with the people i love and have invested in, whoever they are and whenever i've invested in them. 


it's so true that you get what you give. and what i hear when i inwardly wonder that i'm (emotionally/physically?) distant is: "wah wah wah, familiarity isn't worth any inconvenience".

alright. let's see if you pass the friend test.

let's see if i find a damn condo.

feels good to be around

i know, i know, it's nothing, and it's stupid, but this is all very new to me and no matter how many times he says it it's still just, nice. i'm domestically sentimental like that. it's been one month and i still haven't freaked out yet, and i'm wondering why not and when or if it will happen.

 kevin:  heading out now

see you in about.. 45? ish?

 me:  kk

fingers crossed for no traffic

 kevin:  me too

haha

see you babe

:*

 me:  you could always live in my spare bedroom

rent is 6000/month

+utilities

 kevin:  -__-

woman

 me:  i would pay off that mortgage so fast..

 kevin:  I'VE GOT THE JOB AND THE CAR AND THE CONDO MEOW

 me:  i'm catching up, baby

 kevin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 me:  hahaha

 kevin:  http://nooooooooooooooo.com/

 Sent at 5:02 PM on Tuesday

 kevin:  gotta keep you down

because i'm the man

literally

 me:  haha

 kevin:  :(

will you still look up to me when you're richer than me?

ow ow ow ow
the name of the game is vulnerability, kids
jesus christ.

careless words can be very damaging
ow
ow
ow

imagine

and granted, he doesn't make my toes curl like mike used to, but he holds my hand and looks me in the eye and leaves marks on me and calls me beautiful and wants to meet my friends.

and i suppose i'll never quite measure up to that one girl he used to be in love with. it's still too early to say, i suppose.

i do very much like him.

strange still, this beating thing

there was previous context, i swear

 k:  baby

you're the pineapple to my heart

 me:  pineapples and hearts dont go together

you should have said

you're the goat to my wheel of parmesan cheese

 k:  i

you're

 me:  hahahahaha

 k:  you're so

this boy is as weird as i am. 

do you think that sometimes the saddest story is that someone just didn't love you and found happiness with someone else?

how in the hell am i going to hide this giant ass hickey during tomorrow's interview

with your shield or on it

this week is do or die.

i want an offer.

gonna do my best, my absolute best, to make sure i get it.

spotty memory, sore all over. tinged with vague shame, etc, etc, etc.

overly flirtatious behavior recalled, but no truly bad decisions. successkid.jpg

i'm glad i got to be a part of the hype. sometimes you kinda just wanna be out in the streets partying with a million other drunk people, instead of being inside claiming you're too cool for that shit.

saint patrick's day in savannah was hella fun.

time to get my ass to bed.

how do you tell the difference between discomfort with someone because they're wrong for you and discomfort because you've never actually learned how to be with someone?

smoothed

travel, and travel often when you have the means.
it's good, i think, to face our mortality. and to face the streams of others' lives that we only get to be a pebble in, instead of a raindrop.
(which is to say, we don't get to live that life, and see it through to its end in the ocean. we get a snapshot, staid and sedentary--)
and it's good to be reminded of that, to understand that even though we're all just river stones, it's one thing to become wet from being thrown in;
we become smooth and weathered
and forever changed, slowly and continually. those are the true impacts of people and places in our lives.
even if we don't realize it just yet.
it's our duty to grow. and to revel in all the water in the world. tempus fugit.

denmark. hong kong. reykjavik. mallorca. corfu. utah. auckland.
i would love to make much of you.

have not been sleeping well.

scumbag circadian rhythm, too.

last night, wasn't sure if it was because my mind was so cluttered or it was the green tea before bed, or the sheer stress, but i just laid in bed staring up, unable to move. usually it takes me 2 minutes, 3 tops.

had some decently unsettling dreams too, can't remember them.

i think something is wrong. this hasn't happened in years.

really need to stop watching those amnesia walkthroughs.

;___;

/quietly sobs in corner

double space thoughts

i don't think there's really such a thing as "winning the breakup".

while it does seem often that sometimes there's a clear winner/loser and other times there...simply isn't,

wouldn't you agree that the victories are always, always pyrrhic.

to reduce something to a game like that, to so cruelly assess who cares less, to take pride in having moved on or other people's breakups...

something about that doesn't seem very right to me either.

or is it naive to think of it in such a manner?

to deny the human nature of lashing out when wounded, eager to inflict pain--

what we are really doing is searching for empathy. it's just not fair,

that they should move on, and so you must eke out your misery in the form of anger.

that's normal.

we must be kinder. still, even when someone has the "better boyfriend" or "better girlfriend"

"upgraded" or "downgraded", so to speak,

one really has to wonder if it matters in the grand scheme of things.

does it justify the failure of this relationship? does that make the remnants less painful, or worthwhile, or slippery?

and if, in the context of this relationship, it means nothing

then what is the point of having "won"?

falling water

… And even those 
Catastrophes that seemed to alter everything 
Seem fleeting, grounded in a natural order 
All of us are subject to, and ought to celebrate. 
—Yet why? That things are temporary doesn’t 
Render them unreal, unworthy of regretting. 
It’s not as though the past had never happened: 
All those years were real, and their loss was real, 
And it is sad—I don’t know what else to call it. 
I’m glad that both of us seem happy. Yet what 
Troubles me is just the way what used to be a world 
Turned out, in retrospect, to be a state of mind, 
And no more tangible than that. And now it’s gone, 
And in its place I find the image of a process 
Of inexorable decay, or of some great unraveling 
That drags the houses forward into emptiness 
And backwards into pictures of the intervening days 
Love pieced together out of nothing. And I’m 
Certain that this austere vision finally is true, 
And yet it strikes me as too meager to believe. 
It comes from much too high above the world 
And seems to me too hopeless, too extreme— 
But then I found myself one winter afternoon 
Remembering a quiet morning in a classroom 
And inventing everything again, in ordinary 
Terms that seemed to comprehend a childish 
Dream of love, and then the loss of love, 
And all the intricate years between. 

— from “Falling Water”, by John Koethe

while you live it up

i sat here for ten minutes thinking about how to adequately articulate my feelings.

all i could come up with is this:

i miss drinking coke.

god
dammit
fucking
premiere
cs5
laggy
as
hell

ARRRRRRRHGHHHHHHH

what is this fucking strange feeling in my chest

k

fuck dis shit, 4reals

o.0

looked just like you

possible date with K tomorrow :o

 it's comforting and annoying, doing this whole strange courtship thing with someone who clearly knows that you are both in fact doing this whole strange courtship thing. someone that knows with confidence (and tells you as such, in that manner) that you don't want just friendship.

you bristle, and narrow your eyes in their supposed presumptuousness. but you can't bring yourself to truthfully deny it.

before i start putting the cart before the horse though, i need to tell him about the premarital sex thing. i do worry that it'll be a deal breaker. odds are pegged at about 75%. but i think it's early enough that i'll move on pretty fast. we'll see.

weeeeeee'lllllll seeeeeeeee

the big painting project

1. emily (2/2/12)
2.

i understand that i'm self centered. among other things.

i'm trying. it's a work in progress. give it time.

i wanna give things to people who won't give them back

the grapist

"i'm gonna tie you to the radiator...and grape you?"




"why were they running?! why was that child screaming 'mom'?!"

no, i don't think it's hilarious at all that i'm soon to interview with K's company and today i just got a call to schedule one at B's.

the parallels are frighteningly similar. interviewing isn't like dating. it is dating.

title track

there is no discipline of forgetting.
but it does happen because we let it, too.

death cab for cutie's we have the facts and we're voting yes is SO GOOD.

some people's moods and habits are influenced by the weather. for some people it's the clothes they wear. would they not be so influenced if we, their audience, didn't reflect it back at them?

soon, when we put ourselves down, there is going to be no one to reassure us. instead, we must reassure ourselves, that we are strong, and powerful, and capable of anything...

i remember that brief year i didn't date anyone, and said i was using that year to get closer to God. looking back on it now, i wonder if he would have wanted me to stop using him as a crutch and to spend that time learning how to be with someone instead. which isn't to say i didn't, yknow, have a more personal relationship with him at the end of it. but we as christians tend to hide behind him because it is just so damn easy, so much easier than facing our problems. we take a lot of liberties with our God.

anyway, just some random thoughts as lent draws near. WOMP WOMP

the great minimum

In a time of sceptic moths and cynic rusts,
And fattened lives that of their sweetness tire
In a world of flying loves and fading lusts,
It is something to be sure of a desire.

_gk chesterton

YES YES YES YES YESYES


I GOT THE INTERVIEW


SQQQQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEE

fine, darling. you want me to be persistent? i can be persistent.

i want it, and i don't care if i've pissed off senior management or fucked the recruiter or other various things i give fuck all about. hypothetically, obviously. metaphorically, maybe.

i'm getting that interview. if you don't think i'm a good fit, you can kiss my ass.
i'm going in over your head anyway.

futureme.org

futureme.org is a website that lets you sent letters to yourself any time in the future. i recently found one sent to me, written in 2006 and sent in 2007.

(The following is an e-mail from the past, composed on Thursday, August 10, 2006, and sent via FutureMe.org)

so hi...

how are you doing now? are you happy? i hope that one year into college hasnt changed you too much, but at the same time i hope you've matured. are you STILL 4'11?

i hope not, anyways. have you found a nice boyfriend, or maybe started to get rid of your commitmentphobe?

maybe most importantly, are you still faithful in your walk with God?

i want you to remember to keep a part of yourself, no matter what the world takes away, no matter what gets destroyed by materialism. i hope you remember that every relationship you had or will have, dysfunctional as it is, is special, and significant.

i want you to remember you're at georgia tech and you're doing an engineering major that you might not always like because above all this is to support your family, which means more than anything.

how is that, by the way? are you dying? are you eating well, have you learned to cook?

by the time you get this, one year will have passed, and i know that year will be hard earned. i hope, though, that you'll stick with your major...and get one step closer to that degree. because it's your obligation, and you have to remember that.

are you still tithing ten percent, and did you finally learn the grieg concerto like your brother did? are you closer with your brother? because at this moment...that was one of the things you really really wanted, you know. is he married to his girlfriend yet, and does he have his own life six years older and six years apart from you?

i know it feels like you're throwing your life away by going into engineering for the next six years, and working in that field for the next 30. you dont even *like* engineering. but please remember that this is what you chose...so you and everyone you cared for could maybe have a little bit of a better life. so please...let that make you just a little bit happy. and let that make this a little bit more bearable.

i hope you still love southern comfort food, and that you finally look into what the heck T.S Eliot's The Wasteland means. i hope you still keep up with people like scott and whoever, and that maybe you understand e.e. cummings a little more.

please dont forget what rawlin said...that everything in literature and everything in life has a purpose. everything you feel has meaning and everything you experience is for a reason. keep growing. keep growing.

and above all, be true to yourself.

love,
me.