i smile, and go on drinking tea

living with yourself for not having taken a chance vs. getting rejected

regretting things you did vs. regretting things you didn't

shooting out of your league vs. settling

i don't know what i'm freaking out about. it's not like guys don't get rejected all the time.
but i just DO NOT HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS.
i just don't.
alskdjfhalksdjfsahkldfjawelfa;sdfsd

*twitch*

i really, really want you.
and there's three weeks left and i won't do anything but stare at you
and you won't do anything but stare at me
and i know you do.
would you seriously just put me out of my misery and ask me out already.

ugh it's late

me:  lol

why did we do this to ourselves

this wasn't necessary

 Evan:  whoooo knows

because otherwise we wouldn't have met?

 Sent at 1:38 AM on Tuesday

 me:  we met

you wouldnt have known that's when we met

 Evan:  and you wouldn't have cared

 me:  well said

 Evan: 

I'm going to go to sleep now

my algorithm is doing its thing

and taking up 99% of the processing of all 4 cores of this computer

so I think it's in God's hands now

 me:  or mine

when i steal into your house

and break it

 Evan:  if you break my computer while this is running

I will ruin everything you know

 me:  you would have to ruin yourself

 Evan:  you would have already done that to me

 me:  worrrrth ittttt

 Evan:  I see

well, goodnight

I'll see you in hell

 me:  k i'll be carrying your broken computer with me

 Evan:  good luck. I will have broken your arms and fingers by then

we have a weird relationship

 me:  we very much do.

let her have it

so jennifer's ex boyfriend has found someone new, and i think the reason she doesn't know is because she's not on facebook. and i don't think she's fundamentally over him, not like you have to be, because she still talks about him when she's drunk.
it's probably none of my business, right? i shouldn't tell her? but what if she finds out later?

one of the things i hate most is when things are dying or bad or someone's moved on and nobody has the guts to say anything, because that's when you're blind. the whole fucking thing is a blind spot. it's a blindfold. but i mean, maybe you can be happier that way? is that worth it? is ignorance really bliss?

i really wonder.

i love you joey comeau

On unrequited love

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts. 

pun so, so intended

IT'S TOO LATE, paperclip. you have been replaced with another just like you. i took you off for TWO SECONDS and you just decided to peace out like a motherfucker, no matter how many tens of seconds i spent trying to find you. literally TWO SECONDS! how dare you make a fool of me. but that's right. i went and got another one, a red clip. and now you'll just have to live with yourself. clipping what you can to get by, knowing that somewhere, some other clip is holding together my optimization homework.

oh, pull yourself together, man.

TSPs and shit

think about this for a second.
you place a request into the stingerette system, and it determines where to insert that job such that you can pick it up en route, taking into account not only the source destination but also the sink. if you're going from IC to crecine, and you've got 4 other queued jobs/students, where they place a new job could differ than if you were to have entered 'IC to north ave', or 'Perry to crecine'. the variability increases exponentially with the number of queued jobs. but also with the fluctuation (e.g at one point you may have 4 jobs, at another you may have one).

additionally, consider vehicle constraints. the system must be programmed such that the van doesn't exceed capacity, and this is on a purely stochastic level when jobs are constantly entering and leaving. which is to say, REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT.

i really wish this dude in front of me would wear shirts that covered his midriff. why does that even. lookofdisapproval.jpg

anyway. what you essentially have is a traveling salesman problem, except all the nodes are CHANGING ALL OVER THE PLACE LIKE MOTHERFUCKERS, and really, i never find my isye more enthralling when i consider the sheer complexity and usefulness of its applications.

can you even imagine the depth of that model? jesus christ.

a few phd people/professors are working on optimizing the trolley system, but (and yes, that is nigh impossible) it doesnt even seem as impressive as the stingerettes. well, i suppose it's difficult in its own way, with stochastic interarrival times x 3827363819147. idk, whatever. tbdiscussed at a later time.

ok, ok, i'll shut up now

he has this thing called Surprise Candy, where he just puts candy everywhere in random places. and then he forgets about it, and then when he finds it, it is a surprise.

i kind of mutely stared at him for a few moments, unable to comprehend how fucking adorable he was.

i realized i just like it when he's sometimes not terrifyingly competent

enamoured?

i have to taper down this uncontrollable smiling when certain people enter the room. and maybe how happy it makes me when it happens when i'm stuck in the damn lab at midnight.

today our conversation went like this:
[11:30pm in the lab, phd kid comes in]
J: what are you still doing here?
PK: what are you still doing here?
J: i'm always here.
PK: well...me too. QED. [wanders off to his usual compy]

so, if we're both already here, does it mean we're meant for each other and can just get married now?

sekai no yakusoku

the thing about hayao miyazaki's films is that they don't try to make sense except on the basest level. the teacups are painstakingly done, as are the books and the candlestick holders, all wonderfully realistic, and then they're mashed together exponentially with fifty million other things to the point that the room becomes absurd.
it's as though he understands that what he's making isn't real life, and if it isn't, then by all means he will go completely in the opposite direction. as if to say, look how much this isn't real. 
some of that scenery....goddamn

'cept for ponyo. that shit was cray, and i can't even begin to rationalize any of it.

first world problems, entitlement issues, sartorial

if you are going to wear a suit, by god, wear it well.

get it tailored. maybe even bespoke, once we graduate and have money to burn.

because a t shirt is exactly what it is. we know perfectly well its form and function.
but oh, the potential of a suit jacket. it is meant to be a very certain thing, and how dare we insult it with the equivalent of wearing the wrong prescription eyeglasses.

now, far be it from me to advocate a 3,000 dollar simon spurr that could be buying food for hungry children. it is a bit much.

$100 in alterations though? by all means. because every man should have a fuck-you tie from Hermes. a nice watch. a Cross pen, a Mont Blanc fountain pen, and a nice suit. everything else is negotiable.

otherwise, in your thirties, you're still just a college kid trying to make do with extraneous folds of inferior material.

(for the record, i wouldn't have even let you out of the house looking like that, darling.)

mur?

doing a drake remix and got a local natives collab in the works with steph.
creative juices flowing and loving it. for reals. wine and jamming were made for each other.

SKYWARD SWORD SKYWARD SWORD SKYWARD SWORD

phd kid still endearing when he faceplants on the desk and i can see smoke coming out his ears from Teh Brain Hurts. self discovered terrible nurturing tendencies.

we're straight up american style kooking thanksgiving dinner this year! which means it's time to look for pecan pie recipes. and maybe a chocolate mousse cake. and stuffing.

shit's peaceful when you're not miserable anymore.

i don't really understand why people are allowed to move you so much.

i mean, it's a part of life. it makes you human. blah blhalahblblah bullshit blah blahb alhb

CEMENT SHOES

NOOOOOOO

i like jin a lot more than i thought i did.

fuck.

(this also means, by the way, that i act absolutely fucking retarded around him.)

aaaa;ragakljdfhaskldfa

chains

here's something to chew on. things never go as planned. like, ever. like sometimes how you plan out just how you'll approach someone and what you'll say and how they'll react and what they'll say and all that good stuff. and it's fairly feasible too. definitely feasible, but the problem is, there's too much variability. like how sometimes you know exactly what to say and then the other person leaves before you can even begin to set these things in motion. shit like that. so things never go as planned, but that's ok, because they just go another, unexpected way, and you roll with the punches and make it as good as possible. that's why you have to capture these opportunities as fearlessly as possible in the time you have.

at the same time, there's a very real and deep pleasure in being able to daydream to the boundaries of your imagination. for me, i think about a day when i'd get to see that stupid phd kid somewhere other than the grad lab. it makes me smile thinking about walking through the door with arms full of groceries, calling out "tadaiiima, chompy"; and falling into 7 feet of stuffed shark while he puts away the milk. but you know, that's just me. domesticity is probably my most closely kept happiness. because i've said it before: when given no limits or boundaries, the geography of desire is at once grander and more humble than we ever imagine.

i mean, someone wise would of course say, 'keep dreaming, kid, it's never gonna happen.' and they would be right.

but it's nice sometimes to keep dreaming. it's a bit necessary. it keeps a part of us alive, a very, very essential part of us.

stupid shark.

PHD KID IS SO FUCKING CUTE I CANNOT STAND IT