Saturday, January 31, 2009


i dreamt of riding down a countryside

in sunny May with the windows open and sweet home

alabama playing on the tinny radio. 

green, green grass and sunny Hay

(your thin, scraggled hair au couleur du ble) 

and the camera pans out above the winding road

a tired, overdone film 

with the air so clean sky so blue

it broke my heart with joy. 

Thursday, January 29, 2009

i had my heart set on buying one of these before i left, but.








Wednesday, January 28, 2009

dropping 'i'm sorry's like you're still around

i worked 13 hours today! and i will do the same thing tomorrow!

but that's okay, because of this freaking awesome machine! more on that later.

random thought of the day:

remember how i was all like 'what the fuck i am an engineer' at abercrombie.

but now i'm at caterpillar where the ratio is 1:30 with GIANT INDUSTRIAL MACHINES and all i can think of is how i belong in a frilly dress at the mall.

it goes to show, i am suffering an identity crisis. and that's not really. new. um. oh hey look pizza!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

like dr jekyll and mr hyde, only completely not

the worst has happened. even when everything at hollister is so cheap, i can't bring myself to press the 'check out' button. 

i have become an abercrombie snob. 


Saturday, January 24, 2009


yesterday i found the office supply closet. *GRINS* anyone who's been around me long enough knows i have a huge thing for pens. nothing in particular about them. i just like having them. and, there are lots of them. 

toby brought lots of donuts because i think it was his birthday. some of them were jelly filled, and since they sit in a cubicle next to us, i could hear the conversation:

  • random woman: oo but how do you know what kind of jelly's inside?
  • toby: just do like andy, and stick your finger inside.
  • toby: in the bottom. 
  • me: ....omg. omgomg. i have to, um. *flees*
  • me, 2 minutes later in the bathroom: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID

oh, also the cute RA of my apt building came around to get signatures of all the residents. more conversation fail ensued.

  • mike: oh btw since you're not an icc student you missed the sex and chocolate seminar.
  • me: (vaguely hunted look on face) er.
  • mike: basically we want you to practice safe sex. so here, take a handful of condoms. *holds out bag*
  • me: um, no thanks. i-i-i don't. um. use them. i mean, or need them. so, uh. i mean, not that i don't use them, but i mean i don't .. use them? 
  • me, thinking: oh God. 

i told matt that mike probably thinks i'm on the pill. *FACEPALM* so yeah that was incredibly, incredibly failtastic.

that night we went out to eat at an irish pub in downtown peoria and i met some new people! and then we got back and did a movie night. i walked back to my place to drop off the leftover food, and on my way to their room i got hit on by 3 guys on the stairs. it was really creepy. 

  • one of them: how YOU doin'? 
  • me: hi (WALK FASTER OMG) 
  • 2 others: haha you got owned.

i get to the room and go

  • me: eurgh, i just got hit on. it was really sketchy.
  • sean, chris, zack, all over 6'1: they outside? want us to go beat 'em up? cuz we'll do it!
  • me: ...nothing wins me over faster than when boys offer to inflict pain to defend my honor. *__*
  • sean: what are the odds of the RA coming over? whatever, i'm getting a beer.

about four hours later, when the movie's over and i'm walking back to my apt, i pass him again. this time his arm's around a girl.

  • sketch guy: how YOU doin'?
  • me: hi (SERIOUSLY?) 
  • guy (overheard 5 seconds later talking to the girl): but baby, i know her! i swear!
  • girl: AND I'M THE QUEEN OF FRANCE (ok she didn't really say that)
  • me: AHAHAHAHA. LAWL. hey why is there a condom filled with snow on the sidewalk? 

yeah. that plus driving down the boonies to walmart to get cookie mix and having the girls blast savage garden, complete with hand movements. and at the end, wailing "I WANT A BOYFRIENDD. WHERE'S MY PRINCE CHARMINGGGGGG T__T" it was fun. 

insert pickup line here

i went out today. on a friday night. with people (I KNOW. I KNOW.). it was really fun! it's late now....i'll update tomorrow. if the world hasn't esploded because i actually decided to be social. 

i met a hot boy at dinner. more on that tomorrow, probably. no, nothing! nothing! i'm really not going to try anything, i swear!

seriously, though? damn

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

the thing i have to own up to

i will trust God's plan for every area of my life, including this one. 

quiet now, you're sucking the charm out

so i had a lot of things to say about love. sex. friendship. but i'm too tired. maybe later

went to dinner/drinks last night because it was my roommate's birthday. i told her about lorraine, and she said something that actually surprised me. 'oh, don't be so lazy. you're just not willing to put the effort to convince your parents'. which i suppose is true. so i was dead set on it today. and then i flip flopped. ahh whatever. 

my REAL roomies sent me a video :) it was awesome (esp. the edited text 'THATS WHAT SHE SAID'). except for shune. shune, if you read this, i'm going to exact my revenge when i come back. 

i do have to say: not having to deal with boys is like the BEST THING EVER.  

so yesterday, conversation went something like this:

  • guy: blah blah blah, turrets blah blah
  • me: *perks up* turrets?! like in portal? and i wanna be the guy? do you think turrets exist in real life? what are turrets? *is completely fascinated*
  • guy: well you see they are people who believe that the U.S is the embodiment of evil, and want to take down christianity blah blah blah
  • me: [o-oh. OH. wow i'm going to continue this conversation with horrified growing awareness and debate whether the awkwardness of telling you what i thought you said outweighs the embarassment of seeming like i do not know what a terrorist is. CONVERSATION FAIL ABORT ABORT ABORT]
  • me: i see.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

she's a brick and i'm drowning slowly





yeah i'm just being overdramatic.

i was thinking about relationships and i finally understand something. two things. more on that later. 

p.s women are sneaky bitches. stick with boys. boys are cool unless you're another boy, in which case boys are sneaky bastards.

also i'm really curious to see who you'll become in my absence. and if anyone will notice. i know i will. 


also, epic conversation fail. more on that later too. 


Sunday, January 18, 2009


is 16 too young? 16's too young. 

alright, duly noted.

They tell me it gets easier

if this is ever a situation you find yourself in, just. well. 

ARGH. gtl is stressing me out. i find it awesome how the only real thing stopping me is the fact that i don't have an airplane buddy. 

i spent all weekend watching movies, cooking, and playing this math card game hibisca taught me. and surfing the internet! 

when i was at home, whenever my parents wanted to go out for dinner and i was in bum pants and who knows what else, i'd just say 'i dont feel like going out' and then we'd eat at home because they didn't want to leave me out or whatever. but there's so many restaurants out there that are so good, just waiting to be explored. i think after i get back i'm gonna spend more time eating out with the fam. because they deserve to eat more good food, and not just a steady supply of chipotle and h-mart food court fare. also i really really want to take mom out to afternoon tea. it's 28 dollars a head, but what else am i gonna be doing with all this paper besides NOT GOING TO FRANCE?

have you ever talked with someone and just like. done a double take? like WOW, when did you turn into a bitch? =/

speaking of which, men: if you can't stand her when she's pms'ing, get out now. because that shit ain't goin anywhere for a while. 

craving korean food....craving so much korean food...

there's apparently been a peanut butter recall due to salmonella. but honestly, i just discovered the deliciousness that is peanut butter toast. i'm going to have to do a little prioritizing here. 

p.s who won america's next top model?


Friday, January 16, 2009

after some time, it's something i find true (love love love)

people hate logical conclusions  because they can be understood. it's easier to chalk everything up to emotions and everyone knows emotions aren't logical. but here's the plain and simple truth: if we cared for people, we wouldn't treat them the way we do. i found today that under the thin veneer of acting for their welfare lay my selfishness. 

we think so highly of ourselves. we believe we have so much power over others, to change what they see in us and what they feel and what they think. but here is the thing. people? relationships? connections? they aren't transformations. they're layers. it's like a painting where you put the white on first, and then the green, and the blue, and if you feel like painting a house over that green then you do it. and just because that is now the ugliest house you've ever seen doesn't mean you loved that white canvas any less when you loved it. 

some things take a long time to forgive. but if you begin to loathe someone for it, you hate who they've become, not who they were, or even who they are. i'm tired of games. i'm tired of juggling people. hearts are fragile, right? so if i respected them as much as they deserved, i wouldnt. do this sort of thing, just to avoid awkward conversations. 

i think it's time to grow up. hearts aren't something to manipulate or play around with like they're toys. the way i've acted in the past is no longer acceptable. i won't pretend it's not easier, now, to face that you can't always get what you want. even in your lowest time, when your demands are so simple and unassuming. and you can't, so you don't, and you don't feel any better but in the end you still aren't, and that counts for something. 

you're in the middle of the road. you're in the middle of the road, and you realize you're gonna get run over soon. it's only a matter of time, because that's what roads are for; they're for cars. so no matter how much of a wreck you are, you start walking. because that's what you do. that's how it works. 

yeah. that's what i learned today. oh, and also that ctrl+x moves things in excel. 

Thursday, January 15, 2009

baby's first subzero weather!

yeah. not gonna lie. it was pretty cool. i was scraping the inside of the windshield for my carpool buddy's side as she was driving on the inside line. ok, pretty cool other than the fact that it was cold. 

last night we had dinner at this chinese buffet thing, it was like the millions of other chinese buffets. but alas, group think. nevertheless, i should make a point here.

Janet: [makes conversation with cute boy] *mumble mumble*
Cute boy: what?
Janet: [looks down] *MUMBLE MUMBLE*
Cute boy: oh, haha, yeah. I’ll try that, then.
Janet: I’m really quiet lol. 
Cute boy: It’s okay, I’ll just learn to listen better. *gets up for more food*
Janet: …huh.
Roommate: hey what was that plopping sound?
Janet: my willpower hitting the snow with a dull, ironic thunk. 
Roommate: …wait--
Janet: SHUT UP.

Which goes to prove, yes. Women are incredibly easy (TO UNDERSTAND). so, is it november 2nd yet? no? damn. 

p.s you make bullets by pressing the button on top of the toolbar next to the quote button! ok nap time.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

you can breathe, but the air is running out

i am always, always hungry these days. despite having a moderate breakfast (BREAKFAST! ME!) and a huge i am, clutching this bag of pretzels like it's my firstborn son. 


p.s it snowed about 7 inches today. i have never seen this much snow in my life. it is one of the most beautiful things i've ever seen. 

that being said, the high tomorrow is 0F. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


so everyone in my office seems to look like someone from either The Office or Office Space. i kid you not. 

1. my supervisor reminds me of jim halpert. not because they look alike, although he does have boyishly good looks, but because they act alike. he is pretty freaking awesome. i like him a lot.

2. there's two guys who work in the cubicle next to us. there's no other way to describe them but AWESOME. SO AWESOME. one of them looks like this: 

and i'm not even exaggerating. he seriously looks like that, to the point where i was considering asking him if anyone had ever said anything to him. 

3. the guy next to him is my favorite. he's 22 but never went to college i think but he's reeeally high up. or not high up, but really important. works with spindles and other various things... he keeps reminding me of someone else, but i can't figure it out....the closest i can come to is bereta.

he's just as sarcastic, and really funny, and flings rubber bands at his coworkers. they are like 40 years old. "fling it at [supervisor]!" Toby-lookalike tells Bereta. jim halpert is in a meeting. as much crap as they give jim (" guys are so full of crap." -Jim), even bereta would not dare.

4. there's a guy in hard grind (shut up shut up shut up) who looks like this: 

but he's really nice and does all his work, even the bitch work, so that the lowly interns do not have to update his value stream maps. and he always smiles. i like him. 

there's more, but i'll leave off for now. today was just talking to these processors about the maps, walking around the floor with all the machinery and other stuff. it was nice because jim, toby, and bereta are hilarious. x]

then after work, we went to downtown peoria to look around and eat dinner. we ended up going to 



...yeah. it wasn't my idea. take note that we were two girls (my roommate and i). 


*SHRUG*???? first of all, i'd like to know why they keep their legs this unnatural shade of tanned brown, especially if they're not going to tan their arms and face too. but i guess that way you only look half hideous. also, there's no need for those hula hoops, girls. you're not really-- ok, i'm just gonna leave that one alone. third, i saw their boss, and i'd like to know how he doesn't feel like a dirty old man. actually i'd like to know how the teenageish girls who work there and get leered at by middle aged guys can actually stand it.*shudder* that being said, at least i can say i went! first time for everything, right!? good grief. 

crap it's 8:45. CRAP! bedtime.

Monday, January 12, 2009

constantly thinking about

  1. a sundress for every day of the week.
  2. sand in your toes. in your hair. (ugh) in your swimsuit. (a bearable burden)
  3. water that sparkles so bright, you need sunglasses.
  4. open windows.
  5. no windows. nature.
  6. roadtrip.
  7. roadtrip.
  8. roadtrip.
  9. ice cream and bubble tea and shaved ice after a little time at the pool.
  10. the sticky, annoying feel of sunblock that never washes off. and the summery smell of it.
  11. sugared strawberries and ai-yu bing in the quiet afternoon after the yard work.
  12. "hey dad, you wanna go on a cruise?"
  13. horrible, cliche chick flick novels. maybe even a romance novel. (O_O?????) by the pool.
  14. summer rains.

i was thinking today; i was thinking, no matter how much you like or even love someone, everyone deserves to be with a person who puts them first in their heart. not because of convenience, or familiarity, or anything else. your mind wanders when you do value stream maps all day.

JEEBUS it was cold today.

work was more bearable with music.

if i don't come up with more ways to cook chicken, we're going to have a problem this semester.

i'm gonna work on smiling at people. usually i look down/away and smile. then i mentally smack myself because they might be offended that i looked away and smiled at the salt shaker. I CANNAH HELP IT.

the scrubs premiere was pretty good! and with that, good night.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

let's start a blog re-revolution. 

things i learned/did this week:

  • i like eating peanut butter with a spoon. seriously just discovered this today.
  • got my simplistic personal finances in order with Quicken.
  • even though intentions mean shit if you don't follow through with actions, sometimes they still count for something. 
  • i am not going to france this summer.
  • when you want to find solace in old things (e.g people) that used to make you happy, and they're not there anymore, you just have deal with it because you will get stronger.
  • God's presence doesn't lesson the pain, He just makes it bearable. 
  • the thing with finances and God is that He doesn't care about the worldly possessions, He just knows that if He gets our stuff, He gets our heart. 
  • love is not black and white. people are not black and white. (wait...) 
  • what i mean to say is. it's easy to think badly of someone because of how much they hurt you, but there was goodness and light there, once. 


Saturday, January 10, 2009

considerably less.

so i thought i'd upload some pictures of...organized chaos.

AHAHAA this one had to go first. not only because it made me laugh the hardest, but because emily will absolutely murder me when she finds out i posted this.

hommmeeeee. before i left.

on the way there. it's lots of cornfields.

my humble abode. don't let the kitchen fool you. IT'S A NEST OF BUGS. HIDING FROM THE COLD. but it's okay because i just killed the one that's been annoying me for 4 days 5 minutes ago. /:)


the backyard. it doesnt seem like it in this pic, but we're actually on the third floor and it's like a giant pit of dangerous forest separated by fragile railing. which means i better not piss off my roommate.

that montserrat mystique

i bought a beanie in atl and while it looks good, i also look exactly like the korean boys i usually go for. 


one day i'm going to go to school as a boy and see if anyone at school can tell. given how most korean boys at tech look like GIRLS, with their headbands and manbags and moderately feminine features. (fuck that.) 

on another note, next wednesday's low is a whopping -4F. baby's first subzero weather!!! i'm...kind of morbidly fascinated.

work is better. gotta set up the webcam today...i'm tired of talking to people on the phone. idk why, but it just seems like voices. and i miss people, not voices. still, it's getting a lot easier, like we all knew it would. you know. after the week of bitching.

also, it's been a whole day since i've killed a bug!!!!!!!


Friday, January 9, 2009

you don't have to follow.

today was a relatively pretty good day.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

all is forgiven

my roommate said today that it's good to have a relationship even if you don't like the guy very much. or not a relationship, but to go farther along the walk of relationshippiness. she said it was because you're going to have to learn at some point or another how to keep a man close to you. idk it sounds corny when i say it here, but they really were profound, some of the things she said. 'your white knight is never going to come,' she replied. 'life is the little things, and the experiences. so go experience it with who you want.'

never let it be said i'm not constantly learning, i guess. i just thought it was interesting. 

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

yeah yeah we gotcha

they have a piano here.

it's old and worn down and out of tune. and completely in public.

but it's here.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Life goals

One day I'm going to buy my dad a Mercedes. 

It's gonna have one of those huge red bows on it and i'm gonna park that fucker right on the driveway and wait for them to wake up. 

because working is no fun. it's exhausting. and he has an hour long drive to a place where he's 60 and working as a COMPUTER SOFTWARE DEVELOPER. which means he's writing code. and he doesnt even like it but he does it for +20 years because that's what you do for your family. and then he comes home to my mom, who just nags. and i avoid his hugs. dude when was the last time anybody hugged him? but i can't because seriously, i am not going there after so much childhood trauma. but yeah. 

i can't even imagine how tired he must be. i can't imagine the weariness settling in his bones, year after year, and coming home to a cold house. where he does nothing but look at watches and look at news articles while he eats dinner. 

he's always wanted a benz, just because. it's nice. but you can't even afford those things with the weight of all that sacrifice for your family. 

wait a little bit. it's gonna be a huge fucking bow.

Monday, January 5, 2009


i just bug sprayed my apartment. it started out as a precautionary measure after those two tick things in my shower, but then. as i worked my way around the kitchen. it was all dead bug carcasses and bugs fleeing for their lives and daddy long legs slowly dying a Death By Spraycan.

also, today i had a 3 hour lecture on sexual harassment. among other lectures.

my dinner is going to consist of heating up IHOP-like leftovers because we DO NOT HAVE A MICROWAVE.

and my parents are driving awayas we speak. away from me. 


i fucking hate this place.


Sunday, January 4, 2009

it takes a little getting used to


to think i might not see those eyes

makes it so hard not to cry

and as we say our long goodbyes

i nearly do

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Friday, January 2, 2009

the atlantic was born today

Graeme said it best: you gotta grow up sometime.

it's as cold as expected up here, and that's only when it's 28. i hear sunday will go down to 16 D: i think i'm done complaining though. all of last week, everywhere i could think of, i told anybody who could listen that it was gonna suck. it'd be cold. i'll miss everyone, and all that. but it's not that big a deal. i'm probably just scared since this is the first time i've ever been away from georgia, or my parents. but in reality, how is this any different from kids going to college out of state? time to grow up, you know? i'm just glad people were so patient with me.

i've been hiding under covers my entire life. went home every weekend saying i had familial obligation. which is true, but somewhere along the way i think i started using it as a crutch. the same way i don't ever make decisions. i thought i was being considerate, when in reality i was running away from the responsibility of it.

everything will be fine, right? i hope i come back a changed person. a better person.

p.s i wrote today. but until i get the nerve to get off my high horse and find a fucking beta, no way will it be in good enough condition to post. the thing about writing is, it's so easy to get caught up in it that i forget it's a learning process. because life lesson no. 58 is that everyone has a blind spot. idk, we'll see.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door
Have been silenced forevermore
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh, no

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

Thursday, January 1, 2009

the national_bitters and absolut

Thought I saw you on the stairs
Of this American century
I went up through all the years
You were years ahead of me
Remember when you dipped your hand?
I never saw it coming
You took the wind out of me
If I were a spy in the world inside your head
Would I be your wife in the better life you led?


p.s does anyone else find it ironic that i work for a company called CAT?


it's a brand new year

a brief look inside my household:

mom: omgomgomg we leave tomorrow omgomg FREAK OUT

janet: where's the pizza? is there still pizza? i hope daniel didn't eat it...

brother: *pops in with an ornamental footstool* i need a tiny footstool to cut my hair. look how shaggy! 

dad: *wanders around the house*

janet: pizza?