Friday, January 16, 2009

after some time, it's something i find true (love love love)

people hate logical conclusions  because they can be understood. it's easier to chalk everything up to emotions and everyone knows emotions aren't logical. but here's the plain and simple truth: if we cared for people, we wouldn't treat them the way we do. i found today that under the thin veneer of acting for their welfare lay my selfishness. 

we think so highly of ourselves. we believe we have so much power over others, to change what they see in us and what they feel and what they think. but here is the thing. people? relationships? connections? they aren't transformations. they're layers. it's like a painting where you put the white on first, and then the green, and the blue, and if you feel like painting a house over that green then you do it. and just because that is now the ugliest house you've ever seen doesn't mean you loved that white canvas any less when you loved it. 

some things take a long time to forgive. but if you begin to loathe someone for it, you hate who they've become, not who they were, or even who they are. i'm tired of games. i'm tired of juggling people. hearts are fragile, right? so if i respected them as much as they deserved, i wouldnt. do this sort of thing, just to avoid awkward conversations. 

i think it's time to grow up. hearts aren't something to manipulate or play around with like they're toys. the way i've acted in the past is no longer acceptable. i won't pretend it's not easier, now, to face that you can't always get what you want. even in your lowest time, when your demands are so simple and unassuming. and you can't, so you don't, and you don't feel any better but in the end you still aren't, and that counts for something. 

you're in the middle of the road. you're in the middle of the road, and you realize you're gonna get run over soon. it's only a matter of time, because that's what roads are for; they're for cars. so no matter how much of a wreck you are, you start walking. because that's what you do. that's how it works. 

yeah. that's what i learned today. oh, and also that ctrl+x moves things in excel. 

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