on the central limit theorem and n= 31 being the magic number

me:  duly noted

please dont leave out the wlln and strong law too

 Evan:  of course not

they're very closely related

 me:  i dont even.

 Evan:  all of this makes me very disappointed by the author of hitch-hiker's guide

should not have been 42

 me:  the universe is anything but normal

especially with all the shit he writes about it in those books

and if it's not normal

you can be damn sure it's not normally distributed

 Evan:  well, if you took 31 of them and averaged them...

it would be normal

 me:  god dammit evan

 Evan:  assuming they're i.i.d. which of course they would be

 me:  you can't even assume that

there are mice

they seem to be an organization

meaning they are far from being independent

 Evan:  if we can consider the big bang to be a big Random Vector

then, so long as each universe came from a big bang...

 me:  some argue that they come from white holes

 Evan:  okay, so then big bangs are a function of white holes?

 me:  OH MY GOD

SHUT UP

i don't expect anyone to really read this, but. oh evan. 

elliotbot

Elliot: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i just wanna play video gaaaames

me: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me tooooooooooooooo

Elliot: oh man
you wanna play um
metal slug or something

me: kongregate

Elliot: (i) suuuuuuuux

  me: IF NOT IN ITALICS IT DOESNT COUNT

Elliot: img src = "dealwithit.jpg"

  me: oh you think you're funny huh
hey gmail, this guy thinks he's funny
do you think he's funny

  Elliot: system.out.google("yes he's great")

hahahaha oh smaf.

crcrc

HITTIN' THE GYM
GETTIN' MAH ABS BACK
ORGANIZIN' MY SHIT
DRESSIN' LIKE I KNOW HOW TO DRESS
BENCH 65


cuz if you like it in other people, you gotta expect it from yourself first.

i'm on a mission to get those runners legs......
and really, when you get down to it, there's no excuse for consistent sartorial sloppiness.

aww yea

trial by fire

I have had a fucking weird day.

you know, as much as i don't want to run into mike, or shrug off his arm when he rests it on my shoulder, or even so much as look at him, it really comes down to this.

i don't want to go through the semester catered around it.

  it's been a while since i've thought myself a coward, and i know some people may say, going to utc while his girlfriend's there, or talking to him, or anything him, is just masochistic and it'll only hurt you. but if i was gonna go there anyway, i'm not gonna change tracks. i'm gonna face it because if i'm not stronger enough for that, then i'll learn how to be.

if it's awkward or an inconvenience to you, then you can fucking deal with it. if my presence only registers apathy, so much the better. but i'm gonna push through it and learn how to live around you. even when you're being a douchebag for trying to talk to me.

perhaps i'm not being fair to him? there's no way he knows how hard i took it.
oh well. i get to be a bitch about it.  the one walking away with the bruised heart gets to be a bitch about it. the one who moved on can suck it.

only... only i generally try not to be a bitch.
so, i don't know. this is for my edification only, then. i have no idea what goes on in that head of yours when you talk to me. probably nothing, i expect. but i'm gonna keep salting the wounds until they close up completely.

in another sheer fit of pettiness, i saw pictures of his ex the other day. he's an idiot. just keeps downgrading every time. she's radiant. (she's absolutely radiant.)

i just-- i don't understand, why would anyone not want to be friends with chad and kosine?

http://xkcd.com/684/

i used to think i overdramatized when i got a crush, or started dating someone, or what have you.

but then it struck me: fuck everyone who doesn't.

because you should. you should write poetry about her like foroud does. it should squeeze your heart and make it feel three sizes too small, should take your breath away, should make you smile uncontrollably, and most other times when similarly alarming symptoms occur you make an appointment with the doctor.

so if you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, go on dates. write her poetry, write her songs and notes, write her anything, hold her, sing to her, let everyone else just fuzz into the background, and don't be ashamed about it. don't be private about it. cook her things. read her things. make funny faces next to her and tell your best friend she's the best thing that ever happened to you and then look at her that way. make her the music as long as the music lasts.

because what less as humans do we deserve?  

what about that quiet love, you ask. well, darling, when is anything ever quiet?? if you're painting it in complete silence, that still seems loud as ever.

anyway, just some sunday morning thoughts.

for the future reference, you might never hear my voice, but i would always be loud. promise. (you know, prospectively speaking).

snerk

i don't care that no one else finds you cute or that your hair literally looks like you stuck your finger in a plug outlet.

as you were standing there, eyes crinkling as you laughed and looking down while adorably fiddling with your coffee cup holder, i just.

i would date you in a heartbeat if you just asked.

but you're not gonna ask. are you???

things every boy should know how to do by their early 30's:

1. wear a suit.

dear future husband,
one day i will dress you in Canali.

*_____*

teen angst

on a trolley today, i saw a girl on the side of the road, being prepped to go in an ambulance and bleeding out.

it was seeping into the asphalt, intensely red and probably warm.

what the hell kind of problems could anyone complain about after seeing that?

and i love the phrase 'bleeding out into the streets' because maybe it rhymes or something and it accurately describes my emotional bleeding out into the-- yeah ok, see, it doesn't at all. here's where i tell myself,
you sad sack of shit. you're gonna compare that to your stupid little first world problem where you're hungover for maybe the second time in your life, or where some immature kid you never really knew has a new girlfriend? are you kidding me?

god damn.
nobody say anything. nobody say a single fucking word.

urgh, mood swings

i hate who i am when i'm around you.

you render me incapable of doing SIMPLE MATH. that is the absolute worst. i become equal parts sullen and then ebullient to make up for it.

i wish i could say, take a leaf out of evan's book. i'm always myself around him. but it's not you who changes, it's me. so whatever. i just wanna be normal again.

by the by, love, if you're wondering, the proper word is 'adoring'. i look at midsock, at jason and chad-- with adoration. whether they earned it or didn't.

i don't really know what i look at you with. i don't look at you anymore.

where have i been?

where do you think, kiddo?

on pettiness

every time i get jealous or resentful that people are getting married/engaged/in relationships, i have to remind myself that it's just not easy to find someone and learn how to work together. and if they've crossed that hurdle, then more power to them, and everyone should just be happy for them.

and that actually helps, you know.

and maybe when i stop pms'ing i won't even have to think about it lololol

but seriously. everyone, be as fucking happy as you can possibly be, because that's what life is all about.

find the meaning.

BMP 9/17

BMP 9/17: ran around outside


in a thin tee and very little else. for shits and giggles, because it was a nice day, because i was going stir crazy inside. this may not count, but i did get one (1) scandalized look from a car passenger, so i'm counting it as a win!

and this was cool but it was also in the day, i'm going streaking for real one day soon. when it's darker. and there's more alcohol and people involved.
america, fuck yeah.

facebook is evil

attention all;
should have looked for a girl like foroud's.
SHE SEEMS AWESOME.

is that a creepy sentiment since i don't really know either of them?

oh well. sometimes you just hit gold, you know?
the rest of us gotta keep trying our hands at alchemy.
only where this is concerned, alchemy exists.

the betterment of self is always, always a tangible possibility. if you want it to be. if you try.

if you're not a bitch.

tides

i have to say something really quick before i go do homework all day.

crushes are like waves. maybe even love is like a wave. if you're at the beginning, where it builds and builds and you find yourself dangerously tumbling with affection and irrationality-- well then--


you just have to wait until it crests, and then neatly washes away.


so people should just be patient. don't fight the falling. if it's inconvenient, tolerate the madness because everything has to run its due course.

fevers break, but not before they break.

and i've written about this quite a few times, but it bears reminding when times get frustrating. when it feels like you fell in love because you fell in infatuation so hard. quel cauchemar.

but perhaps love, real love, is like the sun.

lethe

the things that matter to me don't have to be the things that matter to you, but i'm going to remember them because for me there is simply no other way.

i've accepted now that i was made to linger and dramatize and romanticize.

that's how i find meaning in life, in the details and the wonderful things that are ephemeral and transient.

there are certain moments when i'll be home in the burbs doing homework on a friday night lamenting my nerdiness and suddenly it's not ok to think so much because of the nostalgia and ensuing run on sentences, so then you have to write something to reassure yourself that it's okay to be like that. it's okay to miss things even when nobody else misses them.

i understand too well people that find joy in the present, in savoring and relishing the unquenchable thirst of the life lived in the moment, enjoyed for what it was at the time, appreciated to its full extent and then relinquished when its time had passed. you don't have to remember anything, if that's how you choose to live.

i have to remember everything.
unfortunately, this doesn't help the run on sentence thing.

NO FORKS

me:  got

dammit

i has leftovers and no utensils

Evan:  I have utensils but no leftovers

me:  .__.

so for now i'm just staring at this bowl of food in bewilderment

because it's like ... gloppy stuff

Evan:  haha

eat it anyway

me:  my brainstorms are getting more and more drastic as t approaches infinity

 Sent at 1:07 PM on Friday

Evan:  hahahahahah

stochastic convergence towards crazy

 

patience

my general sentiment with jin is all like WHY DOESNT HE LIKE MEEEEEE WHY DOESNT HE TALK TO ME

but if i really like a boy, i'm rather silent about it for a while and then the words explode like a maestrom. of doom. so, i guess, sorry about the ensuing year of angst on ze blog about how you no like-a da short girlz no more, hirthy, but at least for about a month after we met i didn't mention you at all.

that's how i tell, anyway.

the important ones require feeling out.

that's also how i know there's nobody quite there yet. you know; close, but not quite...right.

but we'll continue to hope.

random thoughts

someone once said sex is like a language where two people are desperately trying to make themselves understood and to understand each other. he said it more poetically than that. whatever. i'll have to get the exact wording sometime.

but sex is not a language, it's a ladder.

i would explain it to you. but why should i?

BMP 9/15

BMP 9/15: called james. 

i hate these things.

he was probably the cutest boy i dated. definitely the most fun. sad to see him go.

triumph

you can impress me doing anything you're passionate about. anything you're good at, or anything at all, really.

but boy, if you can impress me with words, i'll pretty much hold you in high regard for about the rest of your life, and it takes about five minutes if you're really good at it.

ron mendola, GT orchestra conductor, talking about beethoven, for instance.

off the cuff remarks in another ordinary class and god, i wish i'd had a tape recorder.

the call back

it would be so easy.
who knows where i'll be a semester from now. i have an out. i could claim distance.
i could have fun just dating james. he's really cute, and we have an awesome time together.

but something kind of nags at me.

if i dated him, i know it'd be temporary. i can't see myself years down the road, with someone like that. or someone like what eli tells me, anyway. and he's dating other girls right now too from the looks of it.
i could let it mean nothing to either of us. or something, at the same time. HA, yeah that works out well. (hint: that never works out well)

i don't wanna be with someone and not know why i'm with them. and i don't want an established expiration date, and. there's a lot to be said for chemistry etc but before that, you have to want the same things, or else it just ends kind of stupidly.
i want someone to trust and commit to and see a future with and settle down with.

i may deserve less, but i dont think i can settle for it.

that's dirty

me: think you should do it again
Elliot: i want MORE BLACKOUTS
MORE EMBARRASSING STORIES
me: i want all the embarrassing stories
can you plez tell them
Elliot: i've got tons but not many involve alcohol
i am working on creating those
me: they all involve spooning with smash bros
Elliot: 1 at a time baby
it's gonna take a while to get all of em
Sent at 11:54 PM on Tuesday
me: hahaha
just do all of em at once
Elliot: 4 players per game, man
that's the rules
me: a real man makes his own rules
Elliot: it's basically a free for all with 4 people
sometimes there's items
me: gross

BMP 9/11

BMP 9/11: finally (finally) talked to jin. 

we talked about zombies.
it's kind of adorable how shy he is.

i am up to my elbows in boys, jesus.
in other news, i sorta hate how everyone knows everyone these days. it's awkward when eli tells me he met mike's gf, or wondering if chad likes her more than me, or wanting to meet daniel b, (is sleepy still trying to set us up, eep) man, everyone plays smash, or that strange look kosine gets when i mention mike's name, or brian being so nice to me these days (wtf?). or james, oh god, i've kissed eli's roommate and then there's his other roommate who was totally about to ask me out. everyone knows everyone and it's just WEIRD.

but i guess re: his gf, it's comforting that i don't ever have to wonder about midsoc. it's a petty thought, wondering about the New Girl, but it's a universally human one. so i'll have to beg forgiveness for a bit longer. people like jason and chad and kosine are all up in the air, and i like em, but they're his. it's nice knowing that midsoc's not like that. the midsoc boys are mine, and they know where their loyalties lie, and not that she would ever try like she would with his friends (naturally) but if she did, she wouldn't get anywhere. at least not anywhere ahead of me, and i love them a little bit for that certainty.

call it what you want; pettiness, irrationality-- resentment, even. call it a moment of weakness? lol don't ever have to wonder about brian, though (surprising, innit?).

wow, that was a bit of a tangent.

ah, there it is, the butterflies.
like a jump started heart.

boogey man predictions

gonna talk to jin today.

gonna ask him out before the semester's over. mark my words.

because aside from the pretension of phd kid, he's also kind of a phd kid.

and he drew me a dinosaur, and wow, does he work out.

NEVERMIND he just walked up and talked to me

gonna call it a day now

BMP 9/9 and 9/10

BMP 9/9: chatted up a random dude in the bookhouse pub. 

not bad! alcohol helped. it always does re:these sorts of things. 
  
BMP 9/10: ran through the campanile fountain in regular clothes. kissed a boy. stole a 'keep off the grass' sign. 

probably the best date i have ever been on. details later.

i really want this boy situation to pan out, but i don't think it will. ah well. he opened car doors for me. it was nice for what it was. and it was an awesome date.  

BMP 9/8

BMP 9/8: talked to that guy about that thing. 

urgh 

????

he called me and asked me out to dinner.
and then he asked if he could call me tomorrow to talk about where/when.

i'm a bit conflicted
but no one's really done that before, ever.

oh and i guess i have a date on friday too but he gives me the heebie jeebies and i think he's actually just trying to get me drunk but i gave my word and so here's hoping i can get it over with asap i actually wouldn't be surprised if i found eli and thomas spying in the bushes.

now that i think about it, i wouldn't be surprised if they did that both nights.

suggestion

today i learned how much more provacative a loose v neck is, over straight up being in your underwear.

only half empirically, mind.

tu me manques

Ben: HOW ARE YOU
woops caps
me: fozzzzzzz!
Ben: oh thats right, i just remembered that you annoy me :@

--
Ben: yep!
at a bomb shelter working with deloitte to help the new zealand defence force reorganise their out of control forces
me: against the crazy kangaroos huh
Ben: fuckin kangaroos
got some weird looks from some sheep that live near the bomb stores
me: that would be so weird coming from anyone else.


i miss ben terribly. 

philanthropy

sorry, you don't get those things anymore.
you know, those looks i'd give you like you were the best thing.
or my words.

i hope you miss those.

you don't get texts about finding pinatas on sale, or my fingers tracing your eyelids whispering random lines of french poetry.
no more souvenirs from the beach, or any place i go from here on out,
and no turning towards you when you enter a room like a flower bending to face the sun.

but i'm civil, and i say hi, and i fucking defend your girlfriend, which, gross, so i'd say in terms of generosity that's more than you should expect by far.

edit

i guess when i think about it, ID boy is also kind of a hipster fuck that likes wearing loud and often strangely patterned shirts, and i haven't actually had a lot of luck with those?

but i'll give 'im a chance.

:w

new devalopmants

oh man, is this what it feels like to have an active dating life?

i just found out this ID hipster boy i'd been messaging on okc buys his things from foroud and was at chad/brian's party last week.

HOW WEIRD?

we kinda just had a 3 hour conversation. it's kinda nice being single. i mean yes, yes, [insert everything i said on this blog ever], but uh. yeah. if you're single, might as well have fun with it >:D

quid pro quo

would you let this work out for me if i didn't wax poetic about it?

first world problems

WOW. everyone is pretty aware, but it's surprising how far you can get just by being pushy.

in other news, i'm going on a date next weekend.

how this finagling happened, i still have no idea.

i need to talk to elliot.

and then that spurred another conversation with another dude who asked if i had feelings for him?
DAMMIT EVERYONE STOP DRUNK GCHATTING ME
AT LEAST WAIT TILL I'M DRUNK TOO

and i don't really know what'll happen with stargazing dude. would it be weird to hang out with him this weekend on the same weekend as another date? that seems weird.

can i just put a sign on a sandwich board that says I LIKED MIKE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME UNTIL MAYBE THIS NEW GUY IT'S EVEN TOO EARLY TO TELL BUT, NOBODY ELSE, SERIOUSLY, NOT EVEN ANYBODY ELSE*

how expensive would that be

how much do sandwich boards cost



*except for steak n shake boy. and that teensy unnamed crush i had. and tom hardy. and JGL.

STUPID GRINNING SO MUCH STUPID GRINNING

there's an app

that tracks the stars and moves as you move the phone across the sky!

if nothing comes of it, i won't harbor any ill will. the brief feel of his soft hair against my fingers and the clean smelling grass mashed up against our faces as i stared inches away into these pretty eyes and the scratches i have from rolling down that hill and those damn annoying 20 mosquito bites i got and the great conversation, it was just a really nice way to spend that night. and BATS! and three stars. nothing has to come of it. it was great for what it was, and i can appreciate that. it doesn't have to be anything more. it's lovely just like that. 

we can press onward.

open a window

my mom, dad, and brother all tell me these grievances they have to each other with all these super deep seated family issues and assumptions and tears and hurts and drastic strange leaps in logic that don't actually make any sense and it makes them all angrier

INSTEAD OF COMMUNICATING LIKE ACTUAL ADULTS AND FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEINGS

so on any given day i hear some variation of 'don't tell your mom/brother/dad'.
and i often ask, why don't you just tell them and the answer is always, 'they already know.' 'they should know'.

BREAKING NEWS: THEY DO NOT


things at home are pretty heavy.
but when it's as shitty as it is and no one will change, i suppose all you can do is go home when you can and be the punching bag.

BMP 9/1

bmp 9/1: laid my drunken self down in the middle of the road outside rocky mountain pizza.

got RIGHT BACK UP in about 2 milliseconds, but STILL COUNTS cuz there was a car coming

asdf in a constant state of buzzed. in terms of beers and no liquor, i wanna say 5? 4?. viva la gameday.

i met a boy

ummm i met a boy.

eeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

we spent two hours stargazing in the burger bowl and talking and maybe being a little too close.

eee.

[grins stupidly]

illiad

i found out today that a lot of our mutual friends think his new girlfriend is super annoying.

i know i said to go in peace and when i'm not around it, i don't even care, but
that's still fucking hilarious hahahah

and no,
considering everything i went through, and the fact that apparently you're being all PDA with her in public, and the fact that i am by nature defending this chick to lauren and idek why--
i get to be as petty about this as i want.