is this the point where you realize you don't have very many meaningful friends (in large part a self sabotaging thing) in the sense of, default, comfortable, don't want to hook up with you, meaningful friends, and then you decide to join the baseball team, or the book club, and then suddenly find a bunch of people with shared interests who inspire you and shit?

isn't that how it works most of the time and in the movies?

i don't know. but something does have to change, i think.