retrospection again

This is a long ass entry. Ahhhh the end of the school year. This was actually one for the books, I'd say. Don't think I ever would have seen it coming. So much heartbreak. MY MOM THREW AWAY MY FAVORITE PAIR OF PJ PANTS. God that still kills me. okay but really, I stepped foot off that 20 hour flight and a few hours later, started working at under the couch next to a newly introduced mike. (I hate that I can actually remember the day we met, because it was the first day of school, and, that makes it like, god damn my memory)  (aug. 23rd)  I was so 'homesick' that week I could barely sleep for the dreams where you'd wake up with your hand in the air, someone's name on your lips, because you'd dreamed them here, not oceans apart. You dreamed them whole, and able to watch you grow old. And then two weeks later, a misguided confession in the grass that I couldn't stop shaking to, whereupon everything afterwards quietly stung like a papercut because of this color and these bovine eyes.

Then school really started, and I swear the only thing that kept me sane was utc and the few smears of people left that hadn't moved on with their lives already. Sang and Jef were givens. Ben was new. Dev is, I think, so close to being my sister sometimes I think I believe it. And then it was being overwhelmed to the point of tears a lot of days, because of the coursework.

Then a bunch of mn people decided to go to rocky mountain one day, and I found the mid soc. God, I fucking love you guys to death. Many a beer was drunk over conversation of oh shit, I think I like hirthy for real, enough to completely risk it (never happened before) all the way to its end of oh, shit, mike doesn't like me enough to treat me with a modicum of decency (never happened before).

In the end, it was eli's quiet conversations tinged with overprotectiveness, and evan's constant reassurance that I was someone worth loving that just-- they just, I mean I don't even-- where would I be without them? Where would I even be without them?

But don't get me wrong. I don't regret mike, most of the time. Some days, I do believe that some of it was genuine. He was the first I actually really liked, and I took a chance, and that's fine. That's what you're supposed to do, because was the risk so great that it was better to live without him? And on the days of indifference, and being treated like shit, the risk was still worth it. We (I, really) gave it the old college try. And I'm still glad I was more a fool than a coward. Up until I ended it, he genuinely made me happy because of who he was, and sad because of the sheer amount of power and affection I placed in his clumsy hands. I suppose now, I'm waiting until I can meet his eyes again. Or smile for real. Or just get over him so we can be decent friends. (for the kids who are grubbing for gossip, don't say I never did you any favors)

In any case, the year's done. I know not a lot of people care, or even think about it. But I have attachment problems, and I linger, and I remember everything. From the first midsoc pitcher of sweetwater happy ending to the pattern of ben's sweater as I hugged him for the last time. The shape of the table Dev and I studied at, in an abandoned IC, Yohan's thursday dinners. The taste of cheap sangria in a slightly sandy cup in south walton, where people walk out of their houses to food stands strung with christmas lights. and hirthy's bright blue basketball shorts when we met for student center training. That sounds creepy, doesn't it? I just-- it's just detail. Everything in life is startling with its vivid intricacy. Those three soft kisses that one cloudy morning, my favorite thing of it all. The thing I would keep if I were allowed to remember one minute of our entire 'togetherness'.

I clinked glasses enough times at sweetwater, so here's a proverbial cheers. It was one of the most meaningful years so far, in my limited and tender time, and I never want to repeat it again.

TL;DR MY MOM DIDN'T EVEN ASK ME BEFORE SHE THREW AWAY MY PJ PANTS

dino boy's got a dirty mouth. i like it.

sorry, after everything that's happened, am i supposed to give a shit about what some inconsequential freshman thinks of me?

i suppose i can say it here, because any other medium would be passive agressive. RIGHT? i really gotta get it out though.

i know who i am. strengths, weaknesses, inhibitions, velleities.
what could you possibly tell me that i don't already know of myself? what could you possibly say that i couldn't corroborate or refute?

you lack maturity, and substance. you think yourself better than me because you can talk so freely. i pity you because you have nothing to say.

but we're young. we'll give it time.



bitch.

HAAAAAA

be with someone who wants to be with you.

if they don't, then what are you still sticking around for?

of the many unsavoury things i am, ignorant of my self worth was never one of them

across a great wildnerness without you

you wouldnt recognize me in town
my hands lost in my pockets, two disabused tools

i've retired from their life of touching you.


_keetje kuipers

smells like teen spirit

molly posted a fb status that says, "love is a swimming pool with no bottom."

i really wanted to comment with "yeah, the deeper you go, the more likely you are to drown."

but that would be really emo.

but i mean, come on, what kind of metaphor is that?!?! it's just asking for it! >:|

thought it was a bad cough

sometimes i think i remember the little things about M the most. it's very easy to think only of the sad things, and forget the good. or only the good things, and gloss over the bad.

but then, i was always such a sucker for the details.

sometimes, i probably take for granted how he treats/has treated me. the way he went to get me a jacket those months ago, or when he wore that strange green shirt because he knows i like it. or when he played page france. idk, sometimes it's nice to think back these small things that are more than the sum of their parts.

in return, i suppose i offer the rejection of all those other boys in favor of devotion to you. i offer consistency, and anything of myself i could possibly give.

don't get me wrong, i am going to deeply regret it. and i already do. and to be sure, i expect exactly nothing from him. expectation is what kills. expectation has taken me on a roller coaster lately.

but still. i don't actually know what i'm writing anymore. i guess i'll stop here.


I have been risky in my endeavors,
I have been steadfast in my loves.
_mary oliver