economic decision analysis

i could be cleaning my kitchen. for some reason it smells gross and i swear i am gonna fix it one way or another.

or, i could be doing my shit that i have due tomorrow. or.... not

so, i was wondering.

are you allowed to be happy when you know you shouldn't be? when that married 20-something woman who works at the cafe smiles at you, or your best friend's boyfriend, is it okay to let that not-quite-hope bloom in your chest?

where is the line? what's allowed?

because of course you know you shouldn't. but happiness is happiness, and for such a short time as 80-something years, do we just say fuck it? we take what small pleasure we can find, wherever it is?

i'm of two minds on the matter. sometimes it just leads to no good, and everyone knows it.

but i've always been prone to needlessly complicating things. maybe i should just give  it a rest.
if there is one thing i have learned, it's that everything comes at a price.


take what you want and pay for it.

pen in hand

my life is currently a freaking t.s. eliot poem.

i know you're displeased with me.

i'm sorry.

even though you don't look at me anymore,

i still find you utterly captivating.

all we've got tonight

before this school year is over, i'm going to heavyatl.

don't exactly know when, or how, since i lack that particular friend set. and a fucking car

but it's gonna happen, so.

there.

does no one else have wanderlust? 

take it slowwoaahhhhhh

so i'm 22.
i spent my first year being legal in beer bars and the occasional show?

can we spend this year getting wasted and going to graveyard tavern and electro-hop dance parties? cuz i like those too.

who knows?

try everything once. or twice.

i need people willing to do new things. WHERE

greed in excess

i should just leave well enough alone.

i got what i asked for

and now i let go.

know what i mean, boys?

today prof. hackman smiled hi to me when he entered the classroom. he's one of those professors that really likes putting people on the spot, you know? he'll randomly go "and that's project valuation, guys. andrew, are you eating? what are you eating? man, that's healthy. i like tomatoes too!"

he knows my name, and he asked where i went for undergrad. by going here, i feel like i have something to live up to.

despite the dead-on impression of a deer in headlights look that i do when he calls on me (and he does so often), he seems to tolerate(? like?) me.

so you know what, hackman?

i am going to ace the fucking shit out of this class for you.

peer evaluation

wasn't prepared for that hot curl of jealousy, low and steady in the pit of my stomach. wrapping itself around my vocal chords.

but you know what they say.

keep kicking ass and being awesome.

oh...that's not what they say?

sucks for them, i suppose



but actually, you know what i realized?

we have no claim to the things we have no claim to.

we all still grasp as desperately as we can.