i'd been thinking (read: fretting) somewhat about having to see M in less than a week, and on a nominally frequent basis thereafter. you can treat him like a friend, i told myself. it's not like the two of you acted any differently in public anyway. even more pressing was the matter of you can meet his eyes, but don't get that disgustingly soft look you always reserved for him. you can smile, but not too widely. and not too fake. smile like you're friends, you silly girl. some calibration is required, i suppose.
and then i thought, you realize how often you use a poker face when you're playing hold'em, right? you realize how good it is, don't you? stupid. you're not actually bad at this sort of thing.
but the thing is, i played no games with him. i still hated that time someone mentioned setting him up and i, sitting a few feet away, felt my face twist for a split second into something i can only describe now as distaste. oh god i felt him glance at me, i hope he didn't catch that. shit! ugh. it was always like that. i was disgustingly open with him on just about everything except maybe how unhappy i was towards the last few weeks.
as it were, it struck me that those days are gone. there won't ever be another moment around him where i haven't got my guard up, and if that's the case, then, it just becomes another game of poker when he's around, doesn't it?
the inside stuff, the gooey stuff, i have to take care of the healthy way. i have to get over him when i do, and be patient about it. i'm closer than i was yesterday, and yesterday closer than the day before. so more time, and i'll inch towards it. god damn, it's taking a long time, innit? whatever. all things in their due time.
meanwhile, i know my way around a deck of cards.