Thursday, August 18, 2011

BMP 8/18

so one of my resolutions this year was to do one thing a day that scared me. the first time i'd heard of it, i blinked. and then the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. do things you wouldn't normally do. conquer petty fears. adrenaline spikes. soul strengthening.

so i'd been trying to keep it up throughout the year, with moderate success. i think it would have helped/been nice to record it somewhere though. so better late than never, right?

so i'm calling it the Bogey Man Project. it was very nearly the Clown Project, as clowns are immensely more frightening than, oh, anything in the world, really. but i digress.

they really won't be anything big, either. well, sometimes they will. speaking up to someone. changing lanes. i dunno, it'll be what it is, because these fears are not contextualized by your experiences. they're contextualized by mine.

Went on a late night drive with my father for no reason.

we are not, and never will be, the type of family that hugs and talks about feelings. we are the family of stilted conversations, awkward dinners, hurt feelings. we do not say i love you. we carry scars from decades of emotional abuse in all directions.

outwardly expressing desire to spend time with my father, of whom it took me years to forgive for past transgressions, --such an ordinary, everyday thing-- felt like such a huge concession. it's just not done. but........

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